Nice Guys Are From Uranus? Why do so many women want a bad boy instead of a nice guy? Even models and actresses turn to these bad boy types when they are absolutely gorgeous and could get any man they want. Doesn't this encourage nice guys to turn into bad boys to get girls?
--Nice But Reconsidering
LET'S GET something straight: The polar opposite of a bad boy is not a nice guy, but an overly-nice guy. The difference is in the desperation. Nice guys call when they say they will. Overly-nice guys call every 20 minutes "to thank you for just being you, Kristin." ("My name is Kristine," their prey corrects.) Going out with an overly-nice guy is like being beaten to death with a Hallmark card.
Bad boys, on the other hand, are The Undesperate. They never call or drop by when they say they will (unless they need to mooch a twenty). A typical bad boy might even claim not to own a phone, then expect his woman to apologize for recalling otherwise. To a bad boy, truth is made of Spandex. The only absolute he knows is that he's absolutely never wrong. Bad boys are unpredictable, unavailable, underfunded, and serially unemployed. (Classic bad boy joke: What's a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.) Dating a bad boy is dangerous, exciting, and fraught with drama. The only reliable thing about a bad boy is his unreliability.
To fully understand bad boy allure (beyond the ever-present element of surprise), open your economics book to page one: "Supply And Demand." Bad boys are in demand because they make themselves scarce, thus driving up their value. They're like half-naked people. Half-naked people are generally sexier than totally naked people because the suggestion of what could be is usually better than what actually is. Truth be told, if a woman ever got as much of a bad boy as she thought she wanted, it would be only moments before she stopped sitting by the phone waiting for him not to call.
Bad boys appeal to three types of women: Thrill-seeker girls, girls who can't commit, and "Near Zeros" -- girls who aren't operating on a full tank of self-esteem. To thrill-seeker girls, bad boys are merely whoopee cushions in a sea of La-Z-Boys. Girls who can't commit enjoy bad boys' special non-stick coating which closely matches their own. Both thrill-seeker girls and Teflon enthusiasts can leave at any time and do -- generally when they've been stood up, mooched from, or cheated on one time too many. "Near Zero" types have the hardest time showing bad boys the door. Like Joan of Arc, they hear voices in their heads: "You're not worthy, you're not worthy." Any man, nice or overly-nice, who treats them otherwise is assumed to have something wrong with him, and is deemed unworthy of their unworthiness.
For success in love, look for women who appear to be completely happy without a man. These women want nice guys. For best results with them, borrow the bad boy's better qualities; namely, drama and surprise. This translates very simply: DON'T BE BORING. Call and show up when you say you will, but always keep a woman guessing about what you're going to say and do. You should also keep in mind that desperation is not an aphrodisiac, and saccharine, in large quantities, has been shown to be deadly to lab rats and single women. If you smother a girl in flowers, romantic dinners, and phone calls before you've known her for more than 22 minutes, she will rightly assume that you are trying to bribe her into loving you; probably because she is your last chance to offset lifelong celibacy. Unless she is in the market for an oversized boot-scraper, you're history.
"To fully understand bad boy allure (beyond the ever-present element of surprise), open your economics book to page one: "Supply And Demand." Bad boys are in demand because they make themselves scarce, thus driving up their value."
Faulty logic. The Fallacy of Composition, to be exact.
Scarcity does not drive up value unless there is a demand for the goods or service.
Just because something is scarce - like serial killers, does not mean that it is by default desirable. It also has to be desired. Then the value increases.
There are many thinks that are scarce that have no value. Murderers, rapists, molesters, one-wheeled automobiles, homes made of tissue paper, efc.
What you are implying is that there is something intrinsically desirable about Bad Boys, and that the fact that they make themselves scarce only increases women's desire for them, and their value.
You can have 'em.
After 15 years of being f'ed and c'ed by one after another, I am sure that those unreliable Bad Boys will make a good husband, provider, father and mortgage payer. Those 'doormats' and 'boot-scrapers' will have moved on to women who appreciate them.
Good luck with your cats.
Lee at April 28, 2006 8:16 AM
In response to Lee, she never said they were desirable for more than a fling, well unless the girl desiring them has nothing going in the self esteem department and a masochistic streak.
There is a huge difference between nice guys and "nice guys" That's the point of the whole thing a genuinely good man is desirable. Guys that whine something to the following extent: "Why can't I get a girlfriend, I'm such a nice guy?" are usually being nice to justify why said girl should just tumble into their bed with them, they don't really give a rat's ass about HER, just her naked body in their bed. No healthy woman would be fooled by this ploy. The other possibility on the "nice guy" as opposed to a genuinely good man is that he lacks spine and therefore is desirable mainly to women who want a puppet they can manipulate and use at will, knowing he won't stand up for himself. Dysfunction attracts dysfunction.
Myriah at July 30, 2006 1:50 AM
Hey gang I just wanted to put my two cents in if I may. I can empathize with Nice But Reconsidering because I’ve been there and done that and was once contemplating the very same change in my personality that he was. However things aren’t as dreary as he thinks and ‘Nice’ actually has more than a fighting chance if he makes a few changes. First off, it helps to not look for a woman to treat well. I theorize that woman react to this as desperation and with their more sensitive olfactory senses, they can smell it a mile away. When I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, lo and behold, I met my fiancée. Truth be told ‘Nice’ never mentioned his age and I find that to be a big indicator in the quest for a significant other who isn’t into the ‘bad boys’. Here is my hypothesis;
Think back to high school, what kind of car did you drive, or want to drive? When I was young there where a lot of students driving older sports cars with bad gas mileage and little to now back seat or truck space. They where exciting to drive and fast, yes? Yeah, I know you say that women aren’t into cars like that, and you’re somewhat right, however, I did see a few small two-seater cars being piloted by women so, you see what I’m getting at, no? What’s my point? Fast forward a few years, what are they driving now? Family sedans, minivans, (sorry Amy) large SUV’s, you get the picture. What has changed? Well think about it this way, people mature, and with that priorities change. The very things that made that 5 litre Mustang so great when you were 18 are the SAME THINGS that make it crappy when your 28 - 33!!!! I personally remember all the bad boys getting all the women when I was in high school whereas I was looking like Skee-Lo sitting on the bench with flowers and candies in my hand waiting for a woman in the music video “I Wish.” Where are they now? They have either changed or they are still bad…..and single. I happen to know a few who haven’t changed and yes…they can’t get woman their own age to save their lives!!! (I personally know a guy who has to date woman 8 years his junior because women his age smell his attitude a mile away, no joke!!) Don’t give up, things always change, mostly for the better.
Amax
Amax at August 1, 2006 7:47 AM
Very wise, Amax.
Amy Alkon at August 1, 2006 8:01 AM
I have personally observed that many women are attracted by tall, muscular men with broad chests, rugged faces, a deep(baritone) voice and broad, wavy blonde or light-brown hair. Typically, his personality is an afterthought. As long as he looks good, is well endowed, carries a wad of cash, has some measure of success, most women will druel on themselves to date these men. Most of the women I dated were shallow, 'plastic'(read "fake"), obnoxious, selfish, whiny, bitchy, and rotten to the core. When friends & family suggested I look for a good woman in church, I looked. But, all I found was more of the same. Don't let the 'appearance' of a righteous woman fool you. It truly is mostly just an act. Granted, there are a few good women in church. A very few. And, women who say that their choices are limited to doormats or jerks obviously have a limited pool of available bachelors to choose from. Most men are actually very nice, sensitive & sweet, yet still men. It's the women with the attitude. Sure, some guys are jerks, but usually have good reason to be. Women have stepped on, used, lied to & cheated on them repeatedly. And, few if any of these women feel any remorse. But, I have also personally observed that these women tend to get what they deserve. The last woman to treat me that way dumped me to date some dude because he excites her by his dangerous personality. Now, she is in an abusive relationship. She called me asking for money because her new boyfriend spent their rent money on his new girlfriend. I wished the bitch good luck and hung up the phone. Now, I'm the one who gets to show my cold side, with no remorse. Keep it up bitches. Eventually, you'll be dried up, alone and depressed with nothing to show for it but a daily regimen of anti-biotics for the various STD's you'll have for life. Whores...
Rudy Awakened at October 8, 2006 11:39 PM
I never understand why anyone would think irrational belief in god would mean somebody is moral and ethical.
Furthermore, you have to take personal responsibility for what you get into. I went on one date with about 300 men when I was in my 30s. Why? Because most people are unappealing and unethical. Women AND men.
I suggest you read Nathaniel Branden's book, The Art Of Living Consciously, and learn to identify the duds before they bite you on the ass (while making off with your wallet).
FYI, try for women with self-esteem, who have independent lives of their own; ie, who only need you because you're fun to be with and they're excited about you as a person, not because they need somebody to take over where Daddy left off with the allowance. You also might make real ethics in a person a priority. You have to look for them, though, not just take the nonthink approach and assume that religion means anything more than a capacity for irrationality in a person.
"Keep it up, bitches"? Bitterness and avoidance of personal responsibility for what you got into in the past is sure to make you very attractive to women in the future.
Amy Alkon at October 9, 2006 8:07 AM
Thankyou! You are quite correct. And, I apologize for my earlier comments. I guess I have become so jaded & cynical by the seemingly endless numbers of bad seeds who appear to outnumber the good ones, that I stopped believing I'd ever find a good woman out there. I do accept personal responsibility for my own choices. I am happy to say that a woman I do care very deeply for is my friend, at least. And, if that's all I ever get out of my relationship with her, I will still consider myself lucky & blessed. I do hope to marry her someday. But, I am happy & content to play it 'cool', taking my time. Both of us have a lot of issues. But, then, who doesn't. My faith gives me comfort & guidance. It helps me solve my problems. But, it doesn't fix them for me. I like being responsible for what happens to me. Even my pain helps me to grow. I acknowledge that most women are truly magnificent beings. Some are just terribly misguided. Unfortunately, so are many men misguided too. But, alas, true love does abound, couples marry, and life goes on. So will mine. Maybe, someday, when I learn not to be emotionally dependent upon the 'love' I seek from others, I will become less jaded & cynical. Until then, I will continue to evolve into what I hope will be the man that most women want. You all deserve happiness, and I hope to provide as much happiness to you as I can. You truly are a gift from Heaven.
Rudy awakened at October 14, 2006 10:28 PM
Don't forget one other reason why both sexes are drawn to the bad boy/bad girl: fantasy. It's very easy to 'map' a fantasy onto these people, and a lot of the appeal of the 'bad' type is precisely that the people who want them don't want the actual, real them, but the fantasy figure.
Same thing often happens in adulterous situations, when the cheating husband/wife (or boyfriend/girlfriend) has a full dose of their new love, they often suddenly discover she or he is not at all who they thought they were.
HC at December 2, 2007 9:18 PM
Women don't know what they want....
when i ignore calls and texts from particular girls they go nuts and will do anything told.....like a late night booty call drunk, no questions asked....
but when i try to wine and dine some particular girls they totally blow me off....its amazing...
you almost always have to be an a$$ hole for attention....
tony adams at July 31, 2008 2:18 PM
This is simple. If your looking for a normal nice woman act like a normal nice guy. If you want to get laid act like a bad boy.
Ed at September 17, 2009 3:54 PM
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