The Son Also Rises
My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year. He's
great. His mother is the problem. She's retired and a widow, with
one other son who lives many hours away. She lets herself into our house
when we aren't home. When we are home and in bed, she uses her key
and comes in without even knocking. She parks in the middle of the driveway
or on the grass. She wipes my counters and lectures my daughter on how
to sweep. She's even tried to get him back together with his ex-girlfriend.
About three weeks ago, I bought new sheets. I washed them and threw them
in the dryer before leaving for my grandmother's funeral. When I
returned, his mom was in our bedroom helping my boyfriend put on our sheets.
I was furious. I have repeatedly tried to talk to him about his mother's
behavior. He realizes it's a problem, but he feels sorry for her
because she doesn't have anyone else.
--Infested
I‚m not sure when, exactly, you‚re supposed to cut the umbilical cord, but I suspect it‚s long before the child becomes eligible for the senior citizen discount at Denny‚s. Your boyfriend‚s mother sees it differently: „Why cut the cord when you can reinforce it with triple-gauge steel?‰
She should be grateful to you for giving her life new meaning (from the
moment she knew you wanted her son, she's been meaning to make you
run away screaming). Unfortunately, she isn't just some giant Metamucil-sucking
tick in support hose -- she's also his mother. This means that classic
tick removal techniques -- like sticking a burning object to the end that's
sticking out of your life -- are out of the question (at least, while
your boyfriend's watching). Too bad your boyfriend
seems to have inherited only the passive portion of his mom's passive-aggressiveness.
It's time to educate him in what he's been missing -- and
what he's likely to be missing soon (you, from his life, duh!) if
he isn't a fast learner. Inform him that, as sorry as you might
feel for his mother, it doesn't seem to quell your need for privacy,
dignity, and all those other emotional luxuries. He can either be mommy's
little boy or your boyfriend -- not both. This doesn't mean he has
to ditch his mom -- nor should he. But, if he wants to keep you, he can't
keep letting her play the little old lady card: “In my blinding
loneliness, your front lawn looked just like a parking space!”
Since there was a
right time for your boyfriend to make a break from mommy, and it came
and went 20 or 30 years ago, you shouldn't get your hopes up now.
For best results (if any), he should read from a prepared statement --
in a soundproofed room. He needs to tell her how much he loves her, and
take it downhill from there, explaining that she's an honored guest
in your home and she needs to refrain from unguestly acts like barging
in uninvited and engaging in home-invasion sheet changing. From then on,
whenever she crosses the line from “honored guest” to “unwanted
pest,” it's his job to provide immediate refresher courses.
In lieu of his intervention, smile sweetly and give her a little verbal
shove: “Thanks, but I'd rather wipe the counter myself, even
if I do it tragically wrong!” Go out of your way to include her
as a guest, and she might find it easier to get into the spirit. Do your
best to find reasons to be optimistic, and repeat them to yourself while
you're rekeying the locks and laying spike strips on the front lawn.
Why, oh why, why, why does his mother have a key to their house? Guests don't get housekeys; those are for people who live there. If she were respectful of their living space, I could see letting her have a key to water the plants while they're gone, etc. Since she isn't, the Mama's Boy ought to grow up and tell his mother that if she keeps abusing it, he's going to take it away (or change the locks if she can't be trusted not to make a back-up copy of her own).
Nora at November 15, 2006 1:46 PM
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