I’m a guy and need directions! For a month, I’ve been flirting with this woman at work, and I think she’s flirting back. I now have a week’s vacation, but I’m not leaving town. Before I left, she said, “You know, if you’re bored, you can drop by work and see us.” She said it again before I went down the elevator. Do you think she’s hinting that she’s interested? I’d ask her out, but if she said no, it’d be weird because we work together. What should I do?
--Between A Rock And A Workplace
Guys these days will find any excuse to avoid asking women out: It’s too hot, it’s too cold, the moon’s in Aquarius, or isn’t in Aquarius, or making a move could cause a woman to have an epileptic seizure, go into diabetic shock, or start speaking in tongues. And sure, those last few are serious concerns, especially if she’s epileptic, diabetic, or has given some indication she’s possessed.
But, assuming the woman’s head doesn’t start whirling around like it’s on the spin cycle, and she doesn’t ask you to drop by for coffee in a Satan voice, a guy could make the leap that she’s less in need of an exorcist than a cute guy to take her to the movies on Saturday night. And then, in hopes of being that guy, you could make a slightly bigger leap and ask her out. That’s what’s worked since our ancestors were dragging their hairy knuckles across the African plain -- the guy pursuing the woman, that is, not waiting for a fortuitous turn of fate, like that the woman might eventually get assigned to the rocking chair next to his in the nursing home.
The notion of male pursuit got mucked up in the wake of women’s lib. Post-modern gibberish trafficking became a legitimate university career, and the women’s studies industry rose up, stuck its tongue out at men’s and women’s differing biologies and correspondingly different psychologies, and sold the fallacy that gender is merely a social construct. Suddenly, meeker guys, guys who, in the 50’s, would’ve had a simple choice -- ask women out or die alone -- got it into their heads that they might not have to, or shouldn’t have to; that they could forget the alpha male ideal and start acting like alpha plastic daisies.
Oh, but you’re not like that! This is just a workplace thing. Yes, it is. Which means you should take a wait-and-see attitude on goosing her in the elevator. But, if a woman says anything the slightest bit forward -- “We’re all going for a beer after work, wanna come?” -- operate on the assumption she may be interested. The after-work aspect gives you plausible deniability. If it goes badly, or her interest seems only friendly, you can both pretend it wasn’t a date. Or, maybe you get to the bar and she’s all “Hey, whaddya know, nobody else from the office showed up.” So, chances are, it’s either a contract murder or a seduction.
But…but…it could get weird if she says no! Yes, it could. Especially if you dress in black every day afterward and crumple up beside the copier weeping -- as opposed to seeing rejection as the price of getting dates, and each individual rejection merely as a message to be on to the next. Good things do not come to those who wait. No, good things come to those who ask. Well, most of those. Of course, if Romeo had been too wimpy to go for it, Juliet might’ve ended up alive and well -- and probably thrice-divorced and living in Cleveland.
My girlfriend of four years is sweet, smart and sexy, in a vanilla kind of way, but I’ve never felt passionate about her. We’re both grad students and we were getting sick of our respective roommates. My girlfriend wanted to move our relationship forward, and found us a great deal on a rental, but we had to act immediately. Although I had misgivings, it seemed too hard to say no, so I signed the lease. Now, I realize it was a mistake. I’ve wasted my 20s with a nice but boring girl. I want to get out, meet more women, and live a little, but the lease complicates everything. I’d be leaving her not only heartbroken but unable to pay the rent and needing to get a roommate. I'd sort of like to stay roommates with her and be able to date other people, but I know that'd never fly.
--Supremely Stuck
There are all these things you really want to believe: like, that you can lose 40 pounds on the Deep-Fried Twinkie Diet, gain three inches from a pill some guy in Romania is hawking over the Internet, and that the shifty guy behind 7-Eleven will sell you a brand-new Wii for $100 -- not a slightly used brick in a brand-new Wii box. And then there’s the idea that you could stay roommates with the ex you’ve just dumped and turn your shared apartment into a parade route for bar floozies you bring home. When your ex-girlfriend/roommate wonders about the racket, simply tell her, “That’s just the triplets in the shower.” I’m sure her response will be, “Oh, okay. Do you think they need more towels?”
A guy can dream, can’t he? Well, sure…and you do concede that this fantasy would “never fly.” But, you have a bad habit of giving reality the heave in favor of fantasies with the wings of an anvil: Boring girlfriends will get more exciting over time. Because you’d like to be attracted to somebody, you eventually will. And when you want to end it with your girlfriend, the thing to do is keep it to yourself, then sign a lease locking you into a one-bedroom apartment with her for at least another year.
Your defense? “It seemed too hard to say no.” Are you a man or a puddle? Breaking up with your girlfriend can have its downsides -- the screaming, the sobbing, the pleading, the lifelong resentment. Still, in the long run, there’s nothing quite so hard as taking the easy way out. Did you think you were doing your girlfriend a favor by sticking around vaguely dissatisfied for four years while she got more and more attached? When were you planning on breaking the bad news, upon hearing the question, “Is there any reason these two people shouldn’t be married?” You hang your head: “Uh, ahem, Father…I never should’ve signed that lease…”
Man up already and do the deed. Front your girlfriend a month’s rent so she can find a roommate. Get in the habit of scrutinizing everything you do and being honest with yourself and others instead of making self-serving excuses: “She won’t be able to pay the rent! She’ll have to get a roommate!” The apartment’s a “great deal,” probably in a college town, and probably not one on the Arctic Circle. She’ll manage. So will you if stop putting off today’s unpleasantry until tomorrow -- which leads to fun scenarios like never cleaning your bathroom, and never cleaning it, and never cleaning it, and getting to the point where the only hope is not Comet, but arson.
February 13, 2008I’m in a relationship with a man I love and want to spend my life with, but I can't stand his 6-year-old daughter. She's obnoxious, has a smart mouth, and is being taught some wicked racism by her mother and her mother’s family. I’ve never tolerated bigotry, and I don't intend to start. This kid is also being brought up to believe she’s the center of the universe. I become a second-class citizen when she’s around (she can do no wrong, and I’m “picking on her”). I’ve tried explaining that going along with how she’s being raised goes against my values, and is very troubling to me. Her father just gets angry, accusing me of being jealous (partially true) and “not trying.” He says since he only sees her every so often, he will not spend their time together correcting her bad behavior. More and more, I despise and resent this child for screwing up what could have been a wonderful relationship. Is this doomed?
--The Devil Wears Disney
Is this doomed? No, I can just see you 10 years from now helping her cut the eye holes in the sheet and glue the sparkles on the swastika for her Sweet Sixteen.
Where you go wrong is in hating on the kid for screwing up your relationship. Sure, she’s a princess, and worse yet, a little Eva Braun-in-training. Still, it’s unlikely she popped out of the womb in a tiara, or rolled over in her crib and said, “Ma-ma, Da-da,” and then, out of nowhere, raised a tiny fist and shouted, “White Power!”
Strip away the racism, and what you’re going through is a variation on suffering some loud brat in some fine dining environment, and flashing on the idea that they should allow golden retrievers in restaurants and tie naughty children to parking meters outside. Of course, it’s not the source of the disturbance but the parents who are to blame. And yes, that’s parents, plural. In this case, it isn’t just the mother’s doing that this kid is being home-schooled in entitlement and hate. Daddy Do-Nothing wants to be liked so badly that he’s willing to let his daughter grow up a hate-spewing bigot. Can you really love and respect a guy who’s less a father than a sperm donor with a popularity complex?
Every relationship has its unresolvable issues: Mr. Introvert loves a party girl, and one’s for Ron Paul, the other’s for RuPaul. If they want to be together badly enough, she goes to parties, he stays home with his robot vacuum cleaner, and they both shake their heads a lot on election day. But, these are relationship speed bumps while you’ve got the Hoover Dam coming between the two of you. What are you going to do, learn to giggle girlishly when your boyfriend says “Pass the milk” in response to a 6-year-old channeling a drunk Mel “the Jews made me do it!” Gibson?
Don’t count on teaching the kid the words to “Kumbaya” anytime soon. But, instead of despising and resenting her, maybe you should be thanking her for showing you what her daddy’s made of. Stick around a little longer, and your anger and resentment might find its way to the proper target. And no, I don’t mean the family member in need of some Dr. Seuss -- Sneetches with stars learning not to snob on those with “none upon thars” -- to compete with her collection of Heinrich Himmler coloring books.
February 6, 2008Three months ago, my boyfriend rescued a 2-year-old, 85-pound, neutered dog from a shelter. I have a little 35-pound dog I love dearly. She’s been with me seven years. We wanted to introduce them because we want to build a life together. It didn’t go well. His dog attacked mine both times. I said this should be a no-brainer: If he can’t turn his dog around through training soon, he should get rid of it. He eventually agreed to work with his dog, but over the last month has just gotten more attached to it, and has been reading books that tell him his dog’s “doing nothing wrong.” He finally said I’d have to risk my dog with his one more time, “just to find out.” I can’t do that. Is a brand new dog all it takes for a year-long relationship to get derailed!?
--House Broken
If your boyfriend’s like some dog people, he may see what’s essentially an order to docilize doggie or else as something akin to you saying, “So, whenever I’m at your house, your son fights with my daughter…and she’s 7 years old, and you’ve only had him for two…” And the story ends with his kid on the Social Services doorstep with a note: “Sorry, my dad’s witchy girlfriend said I had to go. Hope you find me a nice couple.”
Looking at this from your angle, here’s a man you must find sweet and loving (or why would you be with him?) and he basically suggests, “Let’s just see if my dog eats your dog.” Didn’t Michael Vick go to jail for that sort of thing? And sure, there is that chance the doggies will sit down and have a little tea party and maybe even share a strand of spaghetti like in “Lady and the Tramp.” But, according to dog trainer Brenda Aloff, “If the little female has already been scared by this bigger dog, the prognosis is real poor.” Plus, Aloff, author of Aggression in Dogs, cautioned that introducing these dogs “is not a two-week process. It’s going to take you months; a six-to-12-month process” with “serious and close supervision” and “mutual cooperation” of both owners. Even then, there’s no guarantee you won’t one day leave your dog with his dog and come home to a collar and a pile of fur.
What kind of guy suggests you just let him sic Cujo on Tinkerbell “one more time”? Well, maybe your little dog has saved you from making a big mistake. Then again, maybe it was a mistake you made that turned this into a standoff. Telling a guy what to do, even when you’re right -- and you are right -- is the worst way to get a guy to do anything. You emasculate him, and knee him in the ego, and your grown man comes out fighting like a little boy: “You’re not taking my puppy!” At that point, his dog could swallow your auntie whole, and he’d blame her for wearing an aggression-provoking housedress.
Assuming the guy wants to be with you and isn’t a jerk or an idiot, he probably knows his dog has to go. Try again, but instead of rubbing his nose in the solution, merely present the problem. Ask, “How do WE work this out?” Don’t announce, “Hup-two, here’s what you have to do!” I’m guessing he’ll find it easier to admit there’s more to this than “Gee, let’s mix my plaid recliner and your flowered couch and see how it goes.” (In cases of dueling patterns, the loser gets dropped off at Goodwill, not the pet cemetery.)