I wrote you two months ago about a male co-worker who was flirting but never asking me out. You said to flirt with him, but date others. He's still flirting, and watches me like a hawk, but that's it. Yesterday, he overheard me talking about some date I had. Apparently, his face went beet red and he got all "weird." He didn't even come say goodbye before leaving, as he always does. I really like this guy -- he's such a sweetheart -- but I'm getting frustrated. Should I turn on more charm? Or even just ask him out?
--Still Interested
There are those things that are really hard to say: "I'm leaving you for your best friend." "A few lawyers might be dropping by about some downloads I made from your computer." And "You should probably get tested for Hepatitis C." And then there's "Hey, wanna grab a drink after work?"
A guy who can't squeeze those last words out, especially to a girl who's been flirting with him for months, doesn't need to be charmed, he needs prosthetic testicles. But, wait! You've got a pair in your purse! You bring them out as needed, say, when the car mechanic tells you he has to put in new belts, and they have to be Gucci, imported overnight from Italy, only $500 a piece (he's giving you a break). That's when you slap your brassies on the counter and tell him how it's gonna be. Take charge. Just like you're tempted to do with the co-worker whose male role models are clearly less Navy SEAL than baby seal.
So, should you ask the poor dear out? Grab his sweaty little hand and yank him over the hump? Surely he's got masculinity in there somewhere, like a zit that just needs to be popped. You'll be the guy for the first 20 seconds, and he can take over from there! Sorry, but if that's what you're thinking, it's probably because you're mistaking this guy's festering weirdness for shyness. Shy men have a tough time asking women out, but ultimately, they're men, and if they're into you enough, they'll find a way, even if they have to suck down so much powdered elk antler that they're likely to paw and snort a little if you say yes.
This guy sounds like the type that therapist Robert A. Glover describes in No More Mr. Nice Guy -- a guy who's not nice at all, but is filled with "toxic shame," and is so desperate for approval, especially from women, that he hides who he is and never asks for what he wants. Not surprisingly, he doesn't get a lot of dates, and tends to be filled with repressed rage and hatred for women. Glover told me that, in a relationship, this passive guy often turns passive-aggressive: He's chronically late and "forgetful," puts the woman down in public, and he's generally passively manipulative "because he never gets his way -- even though he's never asked for it."
Assuming you weren't flirting with great subtlety, like from the women's bathroom with the door closed and the hand dryer on, you should consider the guy a lost cause. Of course, it's got to be tempting to gather the girls for an afternoon of Chardonnay and analysis: Maybe Glover's explanation fits, maybe the guy wasn't breast-fed, or maybe he was -- until he was 8. Pondering what's wrong with the guy can be a productive endeavor....well, compared to continuing to turn on the charm to see if it'll eventually cause the guy's head to explode.
March 19, 2008I’m 33, never married. In 2000, I happened to call my old boyfriend, “Tim,” when he’d just become a dad and was a week away from getting married. He seemed happy I called, but I could tell his wife-to-be was right there, so I was brief and apologized for the timing. Well, he was always so kind, and I wanted to call him just once more to tell him how special he was to me and how glad I was to have had him in my life. This time, his wife answered. I said I was an old friend. She told me to call later, when he’d be home. I did, and she answered: “Tim said you were an old girlfriend, NOT an old friend. Since you lied, I don’t think it's a good idea, or appropriate, for you to call here.” I emphasized that I was harmless, and had no intention of calling again after this. She wouldn’t have it. I really wish I’d asked her what Tim’s thoughts were. Was my call really that threatening?
--Hung Up
Surely, a wife lives for the day she can holler to her husband, “Tim, honey, it’s your old girlfriend on the line calling to let you know how special you are!”
Even the most secure wife isn’t likely to yawn and go about her business when some woman on the phone claims to be her husband’s “old friend,” which, in her mind, is probably short for “the girl he had all the crazy sex with in college.” Chances are, she’s picturing you as the single girl who spends all her spare time and money hotting herself up -- while she’s on her hands and knees in stained, shapeless sweats and no makeup, cleaning up baby vomit. “Hold on a sec,” you tell the wife, “I think that’s the UPS man, delivering another shipment of my size zero slinky dresses.”
Oh, did you emphasize that you’re “harmless”? Come on, you have to know that to many wives, a harmless old girlfriend is one who’s not only dead, but who the husband never found that attractive, due to her two heads and her dual handlebar mustaches. As for “Tim’s thoughts,” he’s probably wishing you’d shown your gratitude by stuffing a big sock in your mouth, dropping your phone down the garbage disposal, and turning it on. Or, at least called him at work. You could’ve said everything you planned to say to him at home, but without causing any of his co-workers to burst into tears and spend a month grilling him, “Is she prettier than I am? Is she better in bed?”
What’s with this sudden urge to express your gratitude, anyway? If you’re aching to give back, the little old lady who taught you in second grade would probably be thrilled out of her support hose to have a visitor at the home. Maybe you wanted to remind him you’re still out there. Maybe you wanted to remind his wife. Or, maybe you were bored and lonely, but couldn’t say you miss him and need excitement, so you grabbed for the old, “Thank you for being you.” If something’s missing from your life, admit it and deal with it. You should feel less compelled to call up some married guy to tell him how much he meant to you -- as his jealous wife listens in. And not because you finally have the equipment to show your gratitude by breaking into his car and leaving your lace panties in the passenger-side door pocket.
March 12, 2008After a breakup, people say you have to wait one month for every year of the broken relationship (in my case, 11 months) before you’re ready to date. Are they making this up? Right after I was unwillingly separated and in the process of a divorce, I probably talked too much about my pain to women I dated, and they all ran. But, even six months after my separation, I was a dating pariah. I was just looking to share a nice time and have sex with a woman. Should I have been banished to a monastery for 11 months? Wouldn’t life be better if women didn’t apply unverified beliefs about a man based on his being recently separated or divorced?
--Judged Joe
Nothing like a little unfinished business to jazz up a first date: “I’ll be the broken man at the corner table. Just follow the trail of Kleenex and tears.”
You know how sleeping with somebody is supposed to mean sleeping with everybody they’ve ever slept with? Well, not only does dating somebody mean dating everybody they’ve ever dated, if they’ve recently been dumped, there’s a good chance you’re dating somebody they’re still dating. Sure, their ex is physically gone, but at the same time, they’re very much in the room. So, you aren’t just holding your drink, you’re holding your drink in that funny way their ex does. And, of all the hopping joints in town, they make you meet them at some boring bar in the business district (gee, wonder who works next door), and they insist on a streetside table -- despite the fact that it’s raining cats, dogs, and Shetland ponies.
If this sounds at all like you, you might as well have brought your ex on dates: “Look how smug she is. Clearly, it was all her fault!” Should you have been banished to a monastery? Well, no, especially not as somebody who’s “looking to share a nice time and have sex with a woman.” You get yourself ready to do that by going off alone and fixing what’s broken -- not by trying to hold it together with used chewing gum and wishful thinking, then having little leaks on dates, or, as you put it, “I probably talked too much about my pain.” Oh, fun! I can see you at dinner with a woman, shaking your fist skyward: “Why?! Why?! Why?! Sorry…what were you thinking of for an appetizer?”
As for the one month per relationship-year rule, no, it’s not like it was handed down from the mount on the stone tablets (although it’s possible there was no more room on the front, and nobody noticed the little arrow and “for #11, turn stone over”). If you’re dancing around chortling, “Wheee! The wife left me!” or find the mere thought of her tedious, there’s probably no need for a waiting period. But, can you blame women who worry that a guy who’s “unwillingly separated” isn’t with them for how great they are but for how great they are as human grout for the void left by his ex? Consider whether there might be a reason women seem less likely to end your dates by climbing into bed with you than by climbing out the restaurant’s bathroom window; say, that little puppet show of your last relationship you put on with the baby vegetables: “Now Mrs. Carrot is cheating on Mr. Carrot with Mr. Parsnip…”
March 5, 2008I’m 25, and work in film and TV. Last year was my first year of consistent employment. I’m producing my first documentary, but I still have a long, brutal climb ahead. My girlfriend of a year is extremely pretty, kind, and smart, and has supported me in every aspect of my career. She’s outgoing, great with my friends, and even likes football. In short, she’s awesome. I never thought I’d fear commitment, but I keep finding myself on the verge of breaking up with her (for no good reason, mind you). I know I couldn’t do any better than her. If I were lucky, I’d do just as well. I love her, and I don’t use that word lightly, so why can’t I think rationally about this?
--About To Dump A Keeper
“Fear of Commitment” gets a bad name. Supposedly, you’re a jerk or psychologically stunted if you express reluctance about throwing yourself into a relationship, yet nobody will diss you for, say, “Fear of Strolling Down a Dark Alley Through a Gauntlet of Gang Members.” Or “Fear of Getting on a Plane with a Guy with a Fuse Sticking Out of His Converse.”
Anybody who’s given any thought to the picnic in the park in hell that commitment can be should feel at least a little edgy about it. Committing isn’t saying “We had fun together today. Let’s try to have more fun together tomorrow.” You’re committing to tomorrow, and next Tuesday, and maybe 3,656 Tuesdays from now. The thing is, you can’t promise you’ll keep feeling the same way -- you can only do your best to stick it out after you feel stuck. Bit of a buzzkill, huh? Of course, you want to believe everything will be wunnnderful, sex will only get hotter, and yours is one of those rare, timeless love affairs. But, the truthful answer to “Will you still love me tomorrow?” is something along the lines of “Gee, I dunno.”
Guys, especially, are made to feel bad if they aren’t gung ho to commit, with “Getting Him To ‘I Do’” splashed across every other women’s magazine, and nary a piece on “Letting Him Do What Works For Him.” Men are achievement-oriented, and as a man, you probably have to feel set in who you are and what you do before you can feel ready to settle down with somebody else. And yes, even if that somebody else happens to be a physicist who put herself through MIT as a Victoria’s Secret model, took night school classes from the Dalai Lama, and can cross her legs behind her head while predicting the Super Bowl winner down to a 96 percent accuracy on the point spread.
You’d have it easier if only your girlfriend would go a little bridezilla-to-be on you. But, lucky you, if this girl clamors for a ring, it’ll probably be fried, battered, and onion. So, what do you do when you get what you want and you can’t stop wanting it to go away? Well, you don’t hate on yourself for itching to break up, and “for no good reason.” Not being ready for a relationship is a great reason. If you end it with her, explain that you’re a bit of an unmade bed at the moment, and you need to become somebody before you can become somebody’s boyfriend. Or, in guy terms, there’s a time for giving a girl drawers in your dresser and keys to your place, and a time to buzz in whatsername from Wednesday.