All About Steve
Six months ago, my first serious relationship ended. My ex, "Steve," and I attend the same college, but rarely communicate anymore. It's difficult, but for the best. The trouble is, my ex's new love interest seems intent on becoming my friend. She friended me on Facebook, started calling me on my cell (a number I never gave her), and inserts herself into plans with mutual friends. She always mentions random facts about me that I don't recall telling her, like, "Your parents have three dogs, right?" She compliments me then imitates what she compliments, like, "I love your highlights, can I have your stylist's number?" I want to tell her things tanked with my ex for a reason, and becoming my clone, or even my friend, isn't the best idea, but I'm uncomfortable discussing my ex with her and don't feel over him enough to be comfortable getting close to her. For some reason, I've been too proud to share this with her. Yet, on my more charitable days, she seems sweet, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. What boundaries are reasonable to set up?
--Invaded
When he looks deeply into the limpid pools of her eyes, does he say, "Baby, have I ever told you...my ex-girlfriend's parents have three dogs?"
Sure, that factoid could've flown out in casual conversation, but it isn't just that factoid or others like it. It's the combo platter of stuff -- from friending you on Facebook to digging up your cell number to hijacking your hairdo -- that makes this feel like a hostile takeover in the form of a girl-crush. Okay, she "seems sweet." You know what they say: You catch more flies with honey. But, ask yourself this: How do you feel about being the fly? Go ahead and answer -- if you don't have to run off to have a latte with her to discuss Steve's snoring.
Of course she wants to be in your life -- much like a deer tick wants to be in a dog. She's probably not evil, but suspects she's lacking in something he wants; something that might rub off on her if she spends enough time with you. She's taking advantage of a tendency women have, especially 20-something women, to feel they have to be "nice" to anyone who has yet to, oh, call them a slut and push them off the roof of the student center. But, make no mistake, you're not being nice. You're being intimidated into a "friendship" that probably keeps you from moving on. You just broke up with your ex, and now you have to break up with his new girlfriend, too?
Here's a transcript of what should be the extent of your relationship with this girl: "Hey, how's it going?" And then keep going. That probably doesn't seem "charitable," but I'm guessing you aren't wearing a Santa suit and a big white beard and ringing a bell outside Target. You owe yourself first and foremost. Figure out what works for you, and if something doesn't, don't let it in your life. Yes, it's that simple. That is, when you do it before somebody's all over you like eczema. Still, just because you've been slow to peel this girl off doesn't mean you owe her some humiliating explanation for why it's over between you. Just duck her, duck her calls and her e-mail. No matter how hard she presses, you're "busy." And then you're still busy. And you're busy still -- much as you'd luvvvv to pop by her plastic surgeon's office so he can make that plaster mold of your nose.
that's creepy.
brian at August 20, 2008 5:30 AM
Off the cuff I'd say he has a bit of responsibility here. My guess (just a shot in the dark) is one of two options he keeps talking about her (the ex) and the new love interest sees her as a threat or he keeps talking about her and the new girls wants to make sure she does not make the same mistakes.
She could also be just plain bat shit crazy in this case I'd advise the LW to get the hell away from her.
Amy if your still in contact with her I'd be curious to know why they broke up? Might shed some light on the new girl's behavior.
vlad at August 20, 2008 5:49 AM
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer". She's not being a friend, she's trying to keep an eye on you in order to detect if there's anything still going on with you and your ex. She may also be hoping this "bond of friendship" would prevent you from ever "stealing" her boyfriend back.
lovelysoul at August 20, 2008 6:00 AM
Who cares why they broke up? She needs to put some distance between herself, the boyfriend, and the new girlfriend. This is beyond creepy. I had that happen to me once, when I was in a band. The drummer and I had been an item for a while, and when we broke up, I was planning to leave the band, but the other guys were all, no, don't go, so I stayed. I started telling jokes like, what do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? homeless!, so that he'd leave me alone (at the time he was sleeping on the guitarist's couch, which was pissing off the guy's wife). And then he got a new girlfriend, and new gf was all over me with wanting to hang out. Then she confessed to me one night that they wanted a threesome with me. No deal! I left the band shortly thereafter.
Flynne at August 20, 2008 6:08 AM
"Who cares why they broke up?" Cause it might give us a better idea as to how balanced the LW is and possibly better insight into the mind of the new girlfriend.
vlad at August 20, 2008 6:17 AM
My alarm bells are ringing ... I've had experiences with these clingy, creepy, stalker types before. The main lesson I learned was that desperate people behave desperately and are not to be trusted. "Inserting" herself into plans with mutual friends? This nutbag sounds like a social parasite who just wants to glom onto your friends, for some unknowable reason. Run, run far and run fast. And by the way, your ex is a dingbat, too.
Pirate Jo at August 20, 2008 6:24 AM
She's trying to be the "cool" girlfriend who is unthreatened by his exes. For some reason American dating culture is fucked up in the way that it asks people to pretend they don't care about stuff that they do care about. She has to appear totally un-jealous of you so as to seem cool enough. And sounds like you have to play it cool to seem un-jealous, too.
NicoleK at August 20, 2008 6:36 AM
Rent Single White Female
Quizzical at August 20, 2008 7:06 AM
I agree with NicoleK. That was my first impression as well. How much you wanna bet that, if you look through the past year's issues of Glamour/Cosmo, there's an advicey article called "Your man's Ex: Meet your new BFF!"
sofara at August 20, 2008 7:15 AM
"She's trying to be the "cool" girlfriend who is unthreatened by his exes." Unthreatedned and putting a GPS tracker on the ex are two very different things. Is she trying to figure out what went wrong with the last relationship and prevent it or is she trying to keep an eye on the ex for fear of getting tossed for her. That's why I'm curious as to the reason for the breakup.
vlad at August 20, 2008 7:22 AM
"For some reason American dating culture is fucked up in the way that it asks people to pretend they don't care about stuff that they do care about."
But of course the new gf knows PERFECTLY WELL that the LW cares. She is having fun poking at those open wounds, too, in her snarky way - knowing all the while that she's backing the LW into a corner and forcing her to pretend NOT to care. Screw that bitch. The LW needs to get away from this crazy snake in sheep's clothing as fast as she can - 'cause a friend she ain't.
Pirate Jo at August 20, 2008 7:52 AM
Yep, whatever the reason is, LW needs to get away from this creep. If she wants to stay on civil terms with her, she could always fabricate some all-engrossing hobby or commitment that couldn't be shared, such as meditation, or cleaning cages at the local shelter, or even a new boyfriend who isn't into threesomes. Anything that serves the purpose will do.
Pussnboots at August 20, 2008 8:15 AM
Quizzical said it first, but that was my immediate reaction: "OMG, Single White Female!" This girl is trying to insert herself into your life. You're not interested. It doesn't matter who she is, kick her to the curb and keep going. No one is obligated to have ANYONE in their life that they don't want, no matter how "nice" that person is!
Jennifer at August 20, 2008 8:22 AM
Eh, give the poor girl a break. Maybe she thinks by befriending the ex that she's making a potentially uncomfortable situation more tolerable particularly when it comes to social situations involving mutual friends. The ex seems like she may be over analyzing this situation.
Gloria at August 20, 2008 8:37 AM
Not buying it -- the social situations involving mutual friends were CREATED by this pest! And what about the cell phone number, the hair stylist, and all the rest?
And even if it's all perfectly innocent, nobody should have to put up with unwanted attention, no matter what the reason.
Pussnboots at August 20, 2008 8:44 AM
"the social situations involving mutual friends were CREATED by this pest!"
You got it - and I'd love to hear some advice from Amy as to how the LW should deal with this situation if the pest continues to stubbornly invite herself to these social situations. The mutual friends may not know what the true picture is, and nobody wants to be the mean girl who blows somebody off just for being a little weird. (Nice people even tend to feel sorry for someone like that.) Is the LW supposed to mount a campaign of extraction against the psycho, or sit back, avoid her own friends, and wait for everyone to figure her out on their own?
Pirate Jo at August 20, 2008 9:18 AM
Well, I see two different possibilities on how the new GF is getting this information. Either she's ferreting it out herself, or the ex talks about the LW all the time. Either way, it should be creepy to someone.
If I were the LW, I would stop the new girlfriend some day and ask her about it. Because if the ex is talking about her all the time, the new GF needs to think about whether she wants to stay with him. If not, then the GF is searching this stuff out, and needs to be told to stop.
WayneB at August 20, 2008 9:22 AM
The LW should do what is recommended in the book 'The Gift of Fear', which is completely avoid all contact of any kind with this psycho.
Women are brainwashed into being 'nice' all the time no matter who does what and it's completely wrong. Grow a backbone!
Chrissy at August 20, 2008 9:38 AM
Since they have friends in common it would be difficult to sever all connections with her shadow, but the LW can certainly eliminate any one-on-one time with her. Some sort of confrontation might be unavoidable if the "busy-busy" tactic doesn't work, but it needn't be antagonistic.
She could say something along the lines of "I know you mean well, but being with you is a constant reminder of Steve, and I'm trying to move on. The relationship is definitely over and I'm fine with that, but it's not healthy to dwell on the past, which does happen as a consequence of spending time with you."
Then kick her in the nuts. Oh, sorry, wrong thread!
Pussnboots at August 20, 2008 11:54 AM
She's creepy as hell. Even if ex were talking about LW all the time, it's way creepy that she's like stalking now. The mutual friends thing is sticky but other than that, I'd take Amy's advice -- just be too busy. You don't want to find out she's a real psycho by confronting her alone. Just blow her off.
As far as events with mutual friends, it's hard to tell from this the true situation. She really part of the group or is she inviting herself? Rather sounds like the later. Be polite but icy and explain to the friends when she's not there, with a roll of the eyes, I don't know what's with her but she just won't leave me alone. Then if they are including the creep because they think that's the LW's intent, they'll start blowing her off too.
As for why the break-up, that really doesn't matter. Whatever the reason, even if ex has given her reason to be jealous, it doesn't excuse this creepy stalkerish behavior.
Run far, run fast.
T's Grammy at August 21, 2008 4:53 AM
I think she's angling for a three-way sexcapade.
What? It's POSSIBLE....isn't it? Sigh.
Tom at August 21, 2008 7:45 AM
While I agree distancing herself is a good idea, I'm not so keen on the idea of bringing the mutual friends into the equation. The new g/f may be inserting herself into plans, but the LW does say they are "mutual" friends. Getting your clique to ostracize someone who was part of it sounds so college. Oh wait, they are in college. But if LW wants to be a bit more adult about it, I like Pussnboots' dialogue suggestion. They don't have to be alone in a deserted alley for this convo -- a private table in a public place would do just fine.
moreta at August 21, 2008 10:40 AM
"Getting your clique to ostracize someone who was part of it sounds so college."
Yep. Believe it or not, I was in a very similar situation to this LW once. The "injecting herself into my circle of friends" was problematic. She was very persistent and had no pride. She would put people on the spot by inviting herself anywhere, or simply show up without being invited at all. But I shared your take on it - I thought I would just be lowering myself by mounting a campaign against the pest, and I was afraid my friends would think I was trying to tell them who they could and couldn't hang around with. They really needed to figure things out for themselves.
I did employ the direct conversation approach, at least when it came to things between the two of us. I was polite but straightforward and got a two-page hate mail as a result. Oh well, at least she's gone now, I thought, but that crazy broad would still try to hump my leg every time I was unfortunate enough to encounter her. She was as stubborn as a mule and equally clueless when it came to picking up on social feedback. Only the most blunt rudeness on my part got me away. I did end up having to avoid some of my own friends in order to avoid the pest as well. But I made new friends, and eventually my old ones figured out she was nuts. To get rid of her, they literally had to unite and perform a social exorcism.
There are some really crazy people running around out there. It's amazing how some people can live in such a constant, sociopathically deliberate state of denial. Chrissy is right - sometimes being nice doesn't work. I will never again mistake clinginess for friendliness, or feel sorry for people like that.
Pirate Jo at August 21, 2008 11:27 AM
Strange phenomenon -- I didn't realize there were so many nut cases walking around loose until I started reading this column.
We're taking off tomorrow morning for the mountains, where I'm pretty sure we won't have internet access. But I'll check in with y'all every once in a while from the computer at the local library.
We'll be gone six weeks -- I'll probably turn into a nut case myself without my daily fix. Stay cool, everybody!
Pussnboots at August 22, 2008 1:14 PM
Tell her your not interested in having an kind of relationship with her. The ex is in the past as far as your concern. Sometimes you just have to spell it out to people. Then just forget about it, you need to move on. Your life is going forward. Who know what her problem is.
Jené at August 23, 2008 9:45 PM
The Facebook girlfriend is creepy. RUN!!!
...
Kitty at August 24, 2008 6:02 AM
I find it interesting that everyone tells her to just avoid this chick.
Screw that. Why lie? Just tell her to get lost. Lets face it. Beating around the bush, hiding in the corner, or evading her just shows signs of weakness in your own character.
Stand tall and be proud that you dont need her and dont want her to be your friend.
If that doesnt work hire a hit man. *Yes a joke*
SCT at August 24, 2008 7:44 AM
Amy said: "Figure out what works for you, and if something doesn't, don't let it in your life."
Following that advice would have saved me about 15 years of being "nice!" I'm a slow learner but I did catch on eventually. And trust me, it is a LOT (LOT LOT LOT!) easier to head someone off at the pass than to buy into and for a long time and then try to blow them off.
MonicaM at August 25, 2008 11:46 AM
How about this: she's really into plunder and domination. Not being satisfied by possessing ex-boyfriend, she has to steal all her other friends, too. Further, she makes sure she knows all about the LW, too, in order to assert her dominance. Such an insecure little creep -- hopefully, LWs friends will see the interloper for the little troll she is.
old rpm daddy at August 25, 2008 1:08 PM
Old rpm daddy, it was my experience that these insecure, interloping little trolls are pretty consistent in their behavior. Chances are she doesn't treat anyone else any differently, and yes, the LWs friends will catch on. LW just needs to keep herself out of the mud in the meantime.
Pirate Jo at August 25, 2008 7:18 PM
This is a screwy thing, but I vote that the new GF is just so insecure about BEING the new GF and doesn't feel equal to the task (or xBF has talked about LW a little too much/too longingly etc) that she wants to do/be all the things that attracted him to the LW in the first place. I hope it's that, and not the stalker thing.
kbaann at August 26, 2008 8:17 AM
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