Where The Grills Are
What would you think if your boyfriend asked you about a particular woman at a barbecue after you both left? He claimed he was just curious -- he'd seen her at my son's barbecue, and wondered how she knew the family -- but, of course, she's young, beautiful and half my age (I'm 53). In our four years together, he's gotten better about not visibly showing interest in other women, but I know he admires women, especially tall blondes. He's a big, sweet, good-looking guy, but doesn't have a house or much money, although he's a hard worker. I doubt he has the confidence to pursue hot women, but I can't help feeling worried.
--Bothered
What would I think if my boyfriend asked me about a particular woman at a barbecue? I'd just know he wanted to have a torrid affair with her. I'd think back to when he excused himself to use the bathroom, and decide he really went to call and reserve a motel room. I'd wait till we hit my driveway, pitch a screaming fit, claw off all his clothes, throw them on the lawn, light them on fire, bolt the door, make him sleep naked in the bushes, and then stay up all night praying he'd be gnawed to death by a family of hungry wolverines. You?
Of course, should I have an attack of sanity and rationality, I'd probably assume he noticed the girl because he's male, heterosexual, and not in a coma or dead. Chances are, your boyfriend is attracted to this chickie -- as he is to dozens of hot young things and a few still-warm middle-aged things he sees throughout his day. There are ways to prevent this sort of unauthorized lust: 1. Chain him to your living room media center for the rest of his natural life. 2. Only date men who are legally blind.
The truth is, beauty is eyeball-grabbing. I'm as straight as plate glass, and I ogle beautiful women. Straight guys sneak glances at Jude Law. Purty is purty. Meanwhile, on a Crimes Against The Relationship scale, your boyfriend merely asked you about this girl; he didn't ask her about her -- running after her and shouting, "Hey, Busty! How'dja like to go a coupla rounds with me in the back of Frank's Escalade?"
If you want to hang onto a man, by all means, turn your relationship into a tiny police state. Give him a list of places he can't go, and people he isn't allowed to have contact with; for example, "Never talk to any woman skinnier than I am." Yes, I get it: This particular woman's younger and hotter than you. Here's more bad news: With every passing year, more and more women will be younger and hotter than you. If your boyfriend wants to run off with one of them, there's nothing you can do. All you can do is keep up your "curb appeal," be confident about what you have to offer, and make your relationship someplace you both want to be. He seems to be making an effort, at least to look like he isn't looking. Let him have his secrets and you can have yours -- like, that the catalog of Victoria's doesn't actually come in the mail looking like a classified document: blacked-out pictures with only sizes and descriptions, an errant manicured hand or toe, and the return policy.
Well said!
I doubt she'll agree...but I also doubt she'll be holding on to him for much longer if her behavior escalates with age.
Who knows though, her paranoia might be so long running that he barely notices she happens to be having a leash fitted for their next anniversary.
Frankly I don't understand the guys who put up with paranoid girlfriends or wives.
The solution is as simple as our lady of advice points out. Keep the relationship somewhere he wants to be, and keep the "deal breakers" reasonable. Just, "don't sleep with other women", not "don't look at them."
Robert at August 27, 2008 5:11 AM
Key point if she is not ugly as sin or in excess of a metric ton he wants to fuck her. The question now is will he? Well if every time he looks at another women you treat him like he's cheating then he might as well do it. He may just get tired of having to watch every single thing he does and leave, too much effort for not enough reward.
"but I know he admires women, especially tall blondes." That would be for the same reason non-blonds color their hair and "Gentlemen prefer Blonds" was such a hit. Men prefer blonds for biological reasons, same goes for youth.
If your that worried and you think he's worth holding onto, work out, eat right, get a dye job and wear heels. I mean shit Amy's in her 40's and she would easily give the vast majority of 20 somethings a run for their money, or be confused for one.
vlad at August 27, 2008 5:21 AM
Also, get a clue and buy a vowel. If his intent was to see if she was someone he could possibly hit on, his girlfriend is the last person he'd ask "So who's that?"
T's Grammy at August 27, 2008 5:28 AM
Acting on your jealousy is essentially blaming someone ELSE for what's wrong with YOU.
I am seriously resisting the urge to print this out and show it to one of my friends. I think she needs this advice just as much as the LW.
sofar at August 27, 2008 7:32 AM
I just don't have the mental energy to waste worrying about stuff like this. Look, if your boyfriend would rather be with someone else, there ain't much you can do about it. How does he treat you? Aside from this one question he asked, does he treat you like he loves you?
All the LW can do is get in shape, dress nicely, pay attention to her grooming, and be a sweetheart. Do the best she can, in other words. And beyond that, quit worrying about stuff she has no control over! It's only turning her into a fretting, stewing, worrisome shrew.
And another thing. If her boyfriend would rather be with a 22-year-old, it doesn't really matter whether he can actually GET said 22-year-old or not. She should find someone who truly loves her and wants to be with her because there's no one in the world he'd rather be with - not because he simply can't get anyone better. Why would you want to be the one someone settled for?
Pirate Jo at August 27, 2008 7:40 AM
While everyone (except the LW) makes valid points, I don't see how asking how someone knows the family equates with wanting to have sex with him.
MonicaM at August 27, 2008 8:55 AM
Good point, MonicaM. Another thing I noticed - the LW makes the statement, "I doubt he has the confidence to pursue hot women." Hello, but is the LW the pot or the kettle in this conversation? Talk about a lack of confidence. Yet in this situation, she seems to see his lack of confidence as a plus, as though that is the only thing keeping him from chasing "hot" women. If his self-esteem is low enough, maybe he'll stay with me! Anyway, why can't she be hot, at 53? It's not exactly a decrepit age.
Amy is so nice to these people. As Dan Savage said to a recent LW, "grow the fuck up already."
Pirate Jo at August 27, 2008 9:08 AM
When I read questions such as this from middle aged women still having boyfriend problems it makes me feel sad for them. Instead of being with a guy who has not been responsible enough to accumulate any net worth, she would be better off spending her spare time with her friends or taking on a second job to help secure her retirement, instead of worrying about who her boyfriend is going to leave her for. This guy she is dating probably doesn't realize why he isn't getting far in life because he's a "hard worker" but in reality makes very poor decisions - one of which is asking his girlfriend about other women he is attracted to!
You're kidding, right? at August 27, 2008 9:11 AM
That's the whole point, that the LW is insecure beyond belief.
Chrissy at August 27, 2008 9:40 AM
Can I just say I fucking hate insecure, jealous boyfriends/girlfriends? They're really noxious to everyone around them. And actually, I can't stand the people who remain with them, their willing prisoners. As Sofar said: "Acting on your jealousy is essentially blaming someone ELSE for what's wrong with YOU." And since they can't recognize that it's their problem, they often just spiral into more and more control, to avoid tackling the real issue--themselves.
Quizzical at August 27, 2008 9:46 AM
Part of being in love is maintaining a sort of glamorous illusion for your partner. Women do this by wearing make-up, looking nice, etc. Not looking at other people is part of that illusion.
She shouldn't be noticing him looking.
NicoleK at August 27, 2008 9:48 AM
Insecurity isn't pretty, and neither is being bothered by it. She'd probably do well to hide it from BF as best as she can, but even better to figure out why she feels it, and do something about it. Easier said than done, I know, but she's got to start somewhere.
Flynne at August 27, 2008 10:00 AM
Part of being in love is maintaining a sort of glamorous illusion for your partner. Women do this by wearing make-up, looking nice, etc. Not looking at other people is part of that illusion.
She shouldn't be noticing him looking.
While we only have part of the story here, so it's hard to know 100% what's going on in the situation, her paranoia at him asking about someone at a party, paranoia so great that she decided to write to an advice columnist about it, indicates to me that it IS paranoia and insecurity on her part, rather than a wandering eye on his part, that is the problem.
Quizzical at August 27, 2008 10:12 AM
I always wonder when such "obvious" letters come in...do these people not read anything of Amy's before they write in? Did anyone who reads her regularly expect a different answer? And if she hadn't read anything from her yet, what decision making criteria did she use to choose Advice Goddess as the person to ask? Just because Amy says she's the Advice Goddess, does that mean it must be so? I mean, I think its a good choice & the column is entertaining and spot on (bowing down to the Goddess), but how did this LW decide? I do get that sometimes you're too close to see the obvious and feel your case is different, but how much farther from the way Amy continually suggests you maintain your relationships can this LW get? Sorry...off on a bit of rant there!
moreta at August 27, 2008 10:54 AM
Favorite quote about this kind of thing: "I don't care where he gets his appetite, as long as he eats at home."
The Other Lily at August 27, 2008 11:37 AM
My wife and I have been married 33 years. Not only doesn't she get upset when I look at a hot chick, but she points out one if I miss her. Why?
Because she has known for 33 years that when the sight of a gorgeous chick makes me 'hungry', I go running home to 'eat'.
irlandes at August 28, 2008 8:05 PM
For some reason this reminds me of a motorcycle bar my husband and I used to go to (before it was overtaken by trendy hipsters, but that's a whole 'nother story.) I would often ask him, "Wow, who's that hot guy over there?" He'd say, "This place is full of hot guys, you need to be more specific." I'd say, "The one with the long hair, the tattoos, and the leather jacket." He'd say, "Well, that really narrows it down . . ."
And I won't get on my polyamory high horse, because I know it's not right for everyone, but we have been not only looking at but occasionally fucking hot people of various genders throughout our 22-year relationship, and it seems to be working so far . . .
Anathema at August 29, 2008 11:03 AM
"when the sight of a gorgeous chick makes me 'hungry', I go running home to 'eat'."
Charming.
jon at August 31, 2008 2:35 PM
Some guys like needy clingy girlfriends because it makes them feel important. They're also 100% sure that she won't be unfaithful because she has such low self-esteem, and is so completely fixated on him, and that's worth all the whining and sickeningly cling-on behaviour for these guys.
Chrisy at September 6, 2008 9:16 AM
In regards to T's Grammy comment: You're an idiot.
laura at April 21, 2009 11:17 PM
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