I'm a 30-year-old woman who started seeing a guy in his early 40s a month ago. He's very healthy and confident, and seems pretty balanced. We get together about once a week, on weekends, and he's amazing in bed! He wants sex three to four times in a 12-hour period, and lasts quite a while. I'm loving this, but just once on some days would be fine, too. Also, I'm thinking this is unusual for a guy above 25. Would it be out of line to ask if he's taking Viagra?
--Wondering
Don't look a gift stallion in the mouth. The problem comes if, say, all that wild adult fun starts to seem like having a newborn, with you being awakened every night at 3 a.m. by something pawing for your breast.
For now, if you're enjoying your new pony, why fret about why? Maybe he's got a high sex drive, and his idea of abstinence is going without for three hours. Maybe he's like that right now, on account of this being something new. Maybe he's trying to impress you (okay, he's 40-something, but he can still lead a girl to bed and show her around the circus). On a less sexy note, maybe he's in a feeding frenzy after a long hiatus, or maybe he's doing the squirrel thing and stocking up in case there's a long winter.
As for parsing whether he's naturally extra-perky or pharm-fresh, it's kind of like worrying, "Are you somebody who doesn't have hideous body odor, or are you just wearing deodorant?" You are right that the guy rebounds like a 25-year-old. Dr. Jacob Rajfer, Chief of Urology at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center, explains that the big difference between younger guys and guys in their 40s is a longer "refractory period" -- the penile coffee break they have to take before they can come back up for more (sometimes a day or days for the 40-something penis). Viagra, often mistakenly thought of as a libido booster, actually works on the mechanics of the penis, increasing blood flow to allow for an erection. But, more and more, guys without erectile problems are using it to last longer and to shorten the downtime between playdates.
Rajfer doesn't have a problem prescribing Viagra for these purposes, providing a guy's not taking nitrates -- for cardiovascular problems or as "poppers," a potentially deadly mix -- and his heart's strong enough for him to survive sex. (It isn't the Viagra that kills you, it's the sexathalon.) Of course, with any drug there can be risks, maybe yet-unknown, maybe long-term and serious. In healthy men, however, Rajfer said there are mainly temporary complaints of facial flushing, a headache, maybe a little indigestion, and "some men may see a blue halo." (And then there's the gummy residue from the gold star their girlfriend sticks on their forehead.)
After essentially four dates, it's a little early to start taking the guy's medical history. You could mention that once is sometimes enough for you -- relieving any pressure he might be feeling to keep the Tilt-A-Whirl on overdrive. Meanwhile, take a pill yourself, the chill kind. It takes time and settling in to figure out whether you're compatible -- whether you want what he wants as often as he wants it, or you find yourself longing for the days when you could get off an airplane without three new bruises: one for hot, one for cold, and another for the soap dispenser.
October 21, 2008I'm an attractive, 42-year-old single mom with a 13-year-old son. I've been widowed for three years, and I'm finally ready to date. I've found myself increasingly attracted to this man (actually, I'm yearning to jump his bones), but he's only 32. I sense the attraction may be mutual. The problem is, I'm the queen of mixed signals. If a good-looking guy checks me out in the grocery store, I scurry to another aisle and kick myself later. After this guy went out of his way to call to say he wished our conversation hadn't been interrupted at a party the night before, I told him, "I'm just needy; I'll talk to anyone who'll listen." Please don't tell me to find a man my age. They don't give me the time of day -- except for the ones who creep me out. What I can say or do to let this man know I'm interested without coming off as a desperate older woman?
--Own Worst Enemy
You're right to worry about coming off as a desperate older woman. You probably do sound desperate -- desperate to get rid of the guy: "I'm just needy; I'll talk to anyone who'll listen." Should he call back, maybe add, "You'll do, since the suicide hotline guys started hanging up on me when they realized I don't want to kill myself, just bore them to death."
Your signals to the guy might be mixed, but they're coming through loud and clear to me: You want a relationship; you're just too terrified to have one. You're probably scared of both success and failure: What if Stud Boy likes you? What if he likes you, then leaves you?! And you're sure the grocery store guy, upon closer appraisal, will realize he's made a terrible mistake, so you scurry away like a bug after the lights come on: "Yes, yes, I look like a woman, but I'm really a giant cockroach wearing a lot of Better Separates."
There's something in you that doesn't think all that highly of you -- the part that suspects this guy'll see you as some ridiculous old bag. Wowee, a whole 10-year age difference. (Any excuse'll do!) The truth is, some guys go for older women, often because they're drawn to their self-assurance and sexual confidence. After all, they can get insecure and self-defeating from a hot 20-year-old with breasts that haven't lost all their elastic. Your problem is thinking you determine your hotitude by polling a bunch of other people, not simply by deciding you have hotitude and seeing who notices. (It's called "self-esteem," not "what other people think of me esteem.")
You can't just run to the corner and pick up a little self-acceptance, but you can start working toward it, starting by reading about it in Albert Ellis' A Guide To Rational Living. In the meantime, fake it: Act the part and maybe the part will become part of you. Train by watching some of those hot-older-women-getting-it-on movies (the ones with Susan Sarandon and Rene Russo, not Susie Funbags and Renee Threeway). When you do meet a guy who creeps you out, your old insecure-speak should come in handy. Nothing usually makes a man on the make want to bolt like the words "I'm needy," except maybe for the announcement "I'm off my meds, I've got a loaded gun in my purse, and what a cool coincidence that the back of your shirt looks so much like a bullseye."
October 15, 2008I'm a 25-year-old woman who spends an exorbitant amount of hours daydreaming about this 28-year-old guy I met nine months ago. We're both musicians, and both tired of the games men and women play. He tells me I'm an absolute catch, and leans in when we talk in the hall like he's trying to get closer. He has said he's timid with girls he likes, plus I told him, "When I really like a guy, I tell him so." Oops. I later backpedaled, explaining that I wait till the last possible moment. I'm just aching to reveal my feelings, but have only made hints while we've both been drunk, and I don't think they've registered. Oh, yeah, did I mention he's my roommate? What if he isn't interested? What if I lose a tenant and a friend? How can I broach the topic of taking our friendship to the next level without scaring him away?
--Mooning For My Roomie
Just get in bed with the guy and see if he complains. Say something only vaguely explanatory. Like "I saw a bug." Or "I had a bad dream." Or "Whoops! There was a lot of fog in the hallway, and I guess I got lost on the way back from the bathroom."
The worst thing you could do is lay your feelings out like a big, dead carp. Guys normally aren't huge fans of the old "Can we talk about the relationship?" They're particularly icked out by hearing it from a woman they have yet to even feel up. Plus, if you spell out interest that isn't reciprocated -- "I've spent nine months festering with lust for you!" -- there's no taking it back. An unreciprocated move, on the other hand, can be pretended away: You were drunk. You don't know what came over you. Maybe it was the fog!
You say you're tired of "games." (That's funny, because you're playing one, just not an effective one.) When somebody claims they hate "games," they usually mean they hate their situation -- no boyfriend or girlfriend -- but they're too scared and lazy to change it. "Chance rejection? No way!" "Work on my flirting? Um, actually, I'm much more comfortable sitting on my couch waiting for the burning meteorite of love to crash through my roof and land in my lap." Meanwhile, had you made moves on this guy, you could've been in a relationship with him all this time or over him in a few weeks. Instead, you've spent almost a year decoding what it means when he leans toward you in the hall. (Yeah, maybe he likes you -- or maybe he's a bit deaf after years in a rock band.)
You can spend the next nine months following the guy around the apartment with a little curl of drool hanging from your mouth -- or decide it's worth it to you to risk losing a tenant and a friend. Actually, if he is into you, you should lose a tenant, since it's ill-advised to move in together before the first date. As for losing a friend, okay, not super-fun, but surely there are more where this one came from. Finally, let's say he doesn't share your feelings. Maybe you can stay roomies and friends -- if you can accept, without going all weird, that he's never going to ask if you, uh, wanna see his etchings. In fact, like one half of some old married couple, you may eventually become convinced your head will explode if you have to ask him one more time to pick his etchings up off the goddamn living room floor.
October 7, 2008Okay, I give up. I met a guy online. He said I was very pretty (and I actually look like my pictures). We talked several times, and had lots in common, so I took a train to where he lives and he drove us to a baseball game. Let me be clear: At no time did it seem he wasn't enjoying himself. We laughed and flirted. He even mentioned a second date. Then it happened. In the eighth inning, after we'd each had four beers, he went to the bathroom. The ninth inning starts, and he's not back. The game ends. He's still gone. He left this voicemail on my phone: "Hey, I'm across the street at a bar called..." I call him a few times. No answer. So, I text him, "What kind of person leaves a woman stranded at a baseball game?!" He responds, "A bad one." Sigh. I'm always attracting losers. What the hell did I do to deserve this one?
--Stunned
At baseball games, a lot of people cut out early to beat the rush. Maybe this guy drank so much that he did that -- and then, at the bar, remembered, "Oh, crap, I was on a date!"
What kind of person leaves a woman stranded at a baseball game? "A bad one," sure. Beyond that, my guess? A thrifty drunk. Maybe he needs to be hammered to feel okay on a date, or maybe his one true love is a girl named Bud. At stadium prices, eight beers (assuming he bought yours) could approach 60 bucks. And maybe because he was only halfway to Hammertown, and you're a near-stranger from the Internet, he found it easier to exercise casual cruelty. The devil on one shoulder said, "Can't wait till this night's over and I dump her off at the train station!" The devil on the other snapped, "Why wait? To hell with her, we're going to the bar!"
There's an ideal time to find out a guy's all "Every day's an alcoholiday for me!" and it isn't when he's your ride back to the train. On a first date, you should always have a getaway car. First dates should be short, easy on the wallet, and local -- a couple hours for coffee or drinks as opposed to dinner or a deep-sea fishing trip. (I'd hate to have you writing me "What kind of person leaves a woman stranded in the middle of the ocean?!") You might give yourself a curfew -- have someplace you have to be afterward -- and stick to it. If you don't go on some all-night romantic bender, you're more likely to have the objectivity and perspective to decide whether date two is a wise idea. (Always a plus if you aren't so sloshed you're slurring your thoughts.)
Any woman can trip over a man with problems. When you do, do you keep him? That's a problem. If you're drawn to men with problems, that's a problem. If you just aren't paying attention, you have to start. People usually give you clues as to who they really are -- in conversation and online. Do your best to spot them, but don't take it personally when dates turn out to be duds. You might even use bad dates as a gateway to better dates. Break the ice with "So tell me: Worst date ever?" Cross your fingers that the guy won't top yours (with his tale or on your first date): "I mean, how could I not know, when he said he'd never drive drunk, that he meant he always passes out before he can find his car?"