I'm a woman in my 20s, and I go back and forth between wanting a guy in my life and wanting to be by myself. If I want love, and I do, shouldn't I feel more compelled to be in a relationship? Also, I've found that when a man falls in love, whether with me or friends, it's all about him being in your face every second. My women friends seem to be okay just having a man, but don't need him there all the time. (I'm not counting my crazy girlfriend who changes her political or religious attitude to the tune of her boyfriend.) Do you think men or women are more dependent?
--Just Curious
In children's stories, the boy is never the one imprisoned in the tower: "Sit tight, look pretty, and if you're lucky, some girl will gallop up on her horse and save you. What's that? You're bored? I dunno, try brushing your hair three or four thousand times."
Maybe you and your female friends are independent, but in my experience, women are usually more dependent, thanks partly to princess culture, which comes out of fairy tales about girls who could be considered the very first slackers. There's Sleeping Beauty, sending the message "Just nap, and some guy will drop by to wake you up and marry you." Snow White wasn't just napping; she was in a coma when she got her man. And then there's Cinderella: Menial labor is abuse, but if you're pretty (and have really tiny feet), some prince will run around with your shoe looking to spend the rest of his life with you.
Although alternative fairy tales are cropping up, princess culture is pretty pervasive and plants the idea in a girl's head that she can avoid the grubby business of becoming somebody, and instead become somebody who sits around checking her watch: "Is Prince Charming here yet?" This sort of thinking spurs women to get impractical educations, take impractical jobs, and lead impractical lives. In "Get To Work," Linda R. Hirshman deems this "the Frida Kahlo problem": "Everybody loves Frida Kahlo. Half Jewish, half Mexican, tragically injured when young ... abused by a famous genius husband. Oh, and a brilliantly talented painter." But, writes Hirshman, "If you're not Frida Kahlo and you major in art, you're going to wind up answering the phones at some gallery in Chelsea, hoping a rich male collector comes to rescue you."
I'm not saying women shouldn't follow their dreams, but if your dream involves roping off air in art galleries, you'd better have a backup plan, and not one you met at a bar. This starts with acknowledging that, in the real world, "How will you be paying for that, Ma'am?" isn't answered with "I'm living happily ever after!" Only when you have financial and emotional independence are you at your best, personally and romantically. The good news is, you don't seem to be a girl who needs a guy to be happy. The bad news is, you seem to think you should. It's okay if you aren't ready for a relationship, and it's especially okay if you aren't ready for a relationship with a man who can't leave your side. Find men who aren't needy and let them know how much or how little relationship works for you; for example, that when you say "hold me," you don't mean like the creature from "Alien" that suctioned itself to the guy's face.
January 21, 2009Two days after my job took me to London for six weeks, my girlfriend's ex spent the night at her house. They broke up several years ago, but work together, and are friendly. Apparently, this fella got too drunk to drive, and slept on her couch. "Nothing happened." I wasn't too happy with this. The next night, they went out with friends, and he pressed her to sleep at his place because it's closer to the bar. She demurred. In her words, "He might've tried something while I was asleep. He has before." To me, this is all entirely inappropriate. She insists I don't trust her and has managed to turn herself into the offended party. She claims she's just "one of the guys," with many male friends -- one she has to e-mail secretly because his wife heard her joking voicemail that she was "wearing nothing but a feather boa." She finally stopped calling her guy friends stuff like "my hot beef injection," but only after I threatened to walk. Am I justified in thinking her behavior shows a lack of respect for me and our relationship?
--Seeking Third Opinion
As completely unnecessary things go, your girlfriend's revelations are up there with left-handed mugs and automotive lingerie, also known as "the car bra." There you are, thousands of miles across the pond, and your girlfriend's calling to fill you in on what almost happened, and what almost happened again the next night. Oh, and it's almost happened some other times, and perhaps did happen, while she was sleeping. What, exactly, do you say to that, "Yeah, Honey, great to hear your voice, too!"?
Like your girlfriend, you're "one of the guys." Just wondering, when's the last time you strolled into the sports bar and shouted across the place -- not "Yo, Jack!" or "Hey, Frank!" but "Well, if it isn't my hot beef injection!"? And I'm guessing it's been quite some time since you left a voicemail informing your best buddy, "I'm wearing nothing but my Batman boxers..."
Girls who really are just one of the guys know it doesn't take much to work a guy up, and friends don't drool down friends' cleavage. There are women who throw a little sexual swagger into their speech for shock value -- but what's the value in shocking you? Chances are, Princess Pottymouth is seriously insecure, and probably not ready for a relationship. Even if she isn't cheating, her desperation for sexual validation from men takes priority over your feelings and the relationship. A caring, emotionally together woman would make you feel like the only guy in the world, not the only guy who has to take an international flight to get in line to sleep-grope her.
Your girlfriend might talk dirty to lots of guys, but she reserves fighting dirty for you, shutting down your feelings by acting like the offended party: "Well, I'm mad, too!" Yes, she is. She's offended that you're offended. What a convenient way to never be wrong. What's more, she insists her identity is wrapped up in saying and doing stuff that creeps you out. Maybe, like many people, you don't feel justified breaking up until your girlfriend does something egregious like cheating. But, isn't it egregious enough never knowing what nauseating thing your little dumpling will say next? If so, where you went wrong was in not acting more wronged from the start -- telling her in no uncertain terms what you don't have the stomach for, and being willing to walk (and not just around the block once or twice after slamming the door for effect).
January 14, 2009I went out briefly (three months) with an unbelievably charming and confidant man who treated me horribly and turned out to be a major player. He canceled dates at the last minute, constantly flirted with other girls when we were out, and had a pattern of ignoring me for weeks, then texting "What's up?" at 2 a.m. to see if he could come over. I finally stopped seeing him. Two years later, out of nowhere, he nonchalantly sent me a birthday message on Facebook: "Happy birthday, lady." I was enraged. My impulse was to write back asking why he thinks he can treat me so badly, then casually saunter back into my life with such a generic message. Should I? A friend thinks so, as this guy has gotten away with treating women terribly for too long, and somebody needs to take a stand!
--Not Having It
Come on, do you really think this guy is only a player because he has yet to get written notification of the error of his ways? I guess it's like hitting a pedestrian while driving. Sometimes you simply have no idea until you stop at the light, and somebody frantically motions you to roll down your window, then breaks the bad news. "Gee, thanks!" you tell him. "I thought I was just in serious need of a car wash until you pointed out the bleeding victim spread-eagled across my windshield."
You were seeing this guy of your own free will; you don't mention him arriving at your house, pulling a gun, and snarling, "Dinner and a movie or your life!" Yet, two years later, you must have one tired finger because you're still pointing it at him. The leopard showed you his spots. In fact, he repeatedly rubbed your nose in his spots, then texted you at 2 a.m. to see if he could pop by for an hour or two to do it again. While it's easier on the ego to blame him, let's be honest -- the guy doesn't treat women badly; he treats women who put up with it badly: "Hi, my name is Welcome, need a good place to wipe your feet?"
As for why he thinks he can "casually saunter" into your life after treating you like his backup booty call; frankly, his thinking probably isn't that complex. Either he was cruising around Facebook and saw your birthday alert -- "Oh, yeah...her" -- or, like a used car salesman in a slow period, he went back through his customer list to see who might be in the market for the same old crap.
Go ahead and write back -- if your goal is giving him and his buddies a good laugh about how, after all this time, you're still emotionally rooted in his shallow soil. But, you protest, "Somebody needs to take a stand!" Sure they do -- against genocide, world hunger, and people who pull out of parallel parking, scrape your back bumper, and drive off. You, on the other hand, need to take a seat and figure out why you stuck around as he constantly canceled dates, macked on other girls right in your face, and ignored you until he needed a little something at 2 a.m. Sadly, self-reflection doesn't offer the weight-loss opportunity of a hunger strike, or the media coverage you'd get by taking up residence in one of his trees. But, reform is reform: Give peace a chance! Speak truth to power! When the phone rings, and it's him, let it go to voicemail! ("Hey, hey, ho, ho! 'Hey, ho!' has got to go!")
January 6, 2009I always tell my wife I love her and buy her gifts I can't afford. I know she loves me. She works so hard at school, and works to pay her tuition, and still washes my clothes, cooks, and cleans. And I never ask her to. When I buy her things, I don't expect anything in return; I just like to see her happy. I buy her roses for no reason. Recently, because her friends wear so much jewelry, and I know she wished she had some, I bought her a second diamond ring. For our four anniversaries, I've given her a gold bracelet, an iPod, a laptop, and most recently, a cell phone she really wanted. In return, she gave me a card with a letter promising to go to the gym and get back in shape. (She's not fat, but knows it means a lot to me when she's looking good.) I loved the commitment, but this is something she owes herself, not a real gift. I'm not materialistic, but it hurt that she didn't take the time to get me something...I don't care what...a couple T-shirts.
--Let Down
Corporations spend billions instructing people in how to show they care; for example, advising everybody to "Say it with flowers" -- which does much more for the floral industry than "Say it by getting down on your hands and knees and scrubbing around the toilet."
What does this woman have to do to show she loves you, put a big red bow around your neatly folded tighty-whities? Leave a gift card floating in the sparkling bowl? Here she is cooking, cleaning, and doing your wash while going to school and working to pay her tuition, to boot. Yeah, clearly she's all take, take, take. You, on the other hand, went to the mall and got her gold, diamonds, and portable electronics, and picked up roses on the way home. You are sweet to always be thinking about what she might need at the jeweler. But now, you're actually feeling bad because she's trying to look good for you instead of looking for a shirt for you? Hey, just say the word, and she could be waddling around Target.
There are a lot of men out there who'd line right up to be taken for granted the way you are. Your mistake is expecting your wife to show she cares in the same way you do -- tit for tat, iPod for iPod. If you think somebody is fundamentally cheap, that's one thing. What you should look for is generosity of spirit. She seems to show it, and then some -- even if "Diamonds Are Forever" and those dinners she cooks for you are really just in one end and out the other.
You claim you don't expect anything in return, but it seems you do -- maybe because you're insecure, and your gifts aren't just laptops and gold bracelets, but down payments on having her stick around. You might also consider the effect your giving has on hers. Buy a girl a diamond, and do you really think her first thought is "Wow! I can't wait to dig through the clearance T-shirt bin and find something really special for him!"? You know your wife's way short on time and money, and it sounds like she has a bit of a muffin-top. She can't possibly do more for you around the house, so what better way to show you she cares than by offering to pick up a few things for you at the gym? You know, those 25-lb. iron things, 5,000 or so times.