Loot Conquers All
I always tell my wife I love her and buy her gifts I can't afford. I know she loves me. She works so hard at school, and works to pay her tuition, and still washes my clothes, cooks, and cleans. And I never ask her to. When I buy her things, I don't expect anything in return; I just like to see her happy. I buy her roses for no reason. Recently, because her friends wear so much jewelry, and I know she wished she had some, I bought her a second diamond ring. For our four anniversaries, I've given her a gold bracelet, an iPod, a laptop, and most recently, a cell phone she really wanted. In return, she gave me a card with a letter promising to go to the gym and get back in shape. (She's not fat, but knows it means a lot to me when she's looking good.) I loved the commitment, but this is something she owes herself, not a real gift. I'm not materialistic, but it hurt that she didn't take the time to get me something...I don't care what...a couple T-shirts.
--Let Down
Corporations spend billions instructing people in how to show they care; for example, advising everybody to "Say it with flowers" -- which does much more for the floral industry than "Say it by getting down on your hands and knees and scrubbing around the toilet."
What does this woman have to do to show she loves you, put a big red bow around your neatly folded tighty-whities? Leave a gift card floating in the sparkling bowl? Here she is cooking, cleaning, and doing your wash while going to school and working to pay her tuition, to boot. Yeah, clearly she's all take, take, take. You, on the other hand, went to the mall and got her gold, diamonds, and portable electronics, and picked up roses on the way home. You are sweet to always be thinking about what she might need at the jeweler. But now, you're actually feeling bad because she's trying to look good for you instead of looking for a shirt for you? Hey, just say the word, and she could be waddling around Target.
There are a lot of men out there who'd line right up to be taken for granted the way you are. Your mistake is expecting your wife to show she cares in the same way you do -- tit for tat, iPod for iPod. If you think somebody is fundamentally cheap, that's one thing. What you should look for is generosity of spirit. She seems to show it, and then some -- even if "Diamonds Are Forever" and those dinners she cooks for you are really just in one end and out the other.
You claim you don't expect anything in return, but it seems you do -- maybe because you're insecure, and your gifts aren't just laptops and gold bracelets, but down payments on having her stick around. You might also consider the effect your giving has on hers. Buy a girl a diamond, and do you really think her first thought is "Wow! I can't wait to dig through the clearance T-shirt bin and find something really special for him!"? You know your wife's way short on time and money, and it sounds like she has a bit of a muffin-top. She can't possibly do more for you around the house, so what better way to show you she cares than by offering to pick up a few things for you at the gym? You know, those 25-lb. iron things, 5,000 or so times.
I think Amy's being a bit hard on LW. It seems to me these two people are still getting to know each other - and themselves - and just starting out. There's time to learn. And lots to learn.
Things like gifts mean different things to different people. Perhaps they demonstrate His affection. But gift-giving is a language and there's no guarantee that She understands a gift in the same way that He does. It's quite possible that neither He nor She really knows why they attach such meaning to gifts in the first place. Was this how their parents showed affection? Or was it how an abusive parent showed remorse? Did this happen so long ago that neither can remember how their gift-language was formed?
Teasing out all this stuff is what takes time. Don't expect miracles, or mind-reading, or perfection, either in yourself or your partner. Talk, watch, listen, be kind to one another. Try to understand, is all.
Norman at January 7, 2009 1:53 AM
One of my married friends highly recommends the book "The Five Love Languages" for situations such as this.
Dale at January 7, 2009 5:37 AM
It sounds to me like LW has got it pretty good already, but might not be aware of it. While bringing her flowers and jewelry and other things he already said he couldn't afford is nice, he should remember that gifts are gifts. If you want something in return (even if you say you don't), then they stop being gifts.
Secondly, as Ms. Alkon points out, LW's wife is doing a lot already. If LW really wants to set her up with a gift, try taking over some of the household operations (e.g., laundry, cooking, housecleaning) so she has more time to study. That's a lot harder than hitting Best Buy on the way home, but probably more meaningful, and cheaper, too.
old rpm daddy at January 7, 2009 5:49 AM
The aspect of this problem I haven't seen discussed so far, is to realize that we can't read each others' minds. The LW's wife obviously loves him enormously and probably doesn't realize what it would mean to him to be able to unwrap a little present.
Sometimes have to let people know what we want. I have to tell my husband explicitly that I want flowers for Valentine's Day. He doesn't get the point of flowers, and feels they are a waste of money, and it would never occur to him to buy them on his own, but becuase I told him it would make me happy, he buys me flowers for every Feb 14th. And it makes me really happy.
The LW must not expect his loving wife to read his mind; that's asking too much of any relationship. They need to fill each other in on what they need to be happy.
mitchki at January 7, 2009 6:45 AM
"Hey, just say the word, and she could be waddling around Target." Haa! He's married to her and buying things he can't afford for her. I would rather have a stable future with someone who appreciates the work I do than a whiny, superficial tool who wastes our nest egg on an Ipods and diamond rings.
Jessica G at January 7, 2009 7:18 AM
I think Norman's got it right. I don't want my BF spending money on stuff that I won't use or that won't last, like flowers. Well, cut flowers, anyway. He buys me potted flowers on occasion, which, after I enjoy them in the house for a little while, go into the garden. And Jessica's right, too. In the long run, practicality is better than whimsy and superficiality. Of course, YMMV. o.O
Flynne at January 7, 2009 7:39 AM
He is buying stuff he can't afford and expects her to be gratefull and run up more debt buying him stuff they can't afford? Not to be too harsh here, but maybe they are really on a budget and he is charging all these things that she has to pay off later on. Not so much of a gift then more like a debt to keep her around.
V at January 7, 2009 8:34 AM
Nothing ticks me off more, in a relationship, than to have a guy spend more than he can afford on something for me. Then there's the expectation to do so for him. Talk about screwing your mutual finances! I think he needs to worry less about giving her "things" and more on doing what she does-SHOWING she loves you. Go beyond looking for something wrapable. Now if she was all take, that'd be one thing, but she sure doesn't sound it.
momof3 at January 7, 2009 10:10 AM
I was going to recommend "The Five Love Languages" too...my husband and I read it (albeit reluctantly, at first...it just sounds so cheesy), and wound up loving it. Not to sound like an infomercial, but it seriously changed our marriage.
Sarah at January 7, 2009 10:27 AM
There are short versions of the love language test online
http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp
It sounds like he values gifts, not her. I agree a better jesture would be to do his own laundry some nights or make dinner for her.
MeganNJ at January 7, 2009 10:56 AM
On the one hand, this does sound like a classic difference-in-love-languages issue - his is apparently Gifts, hers is Acts of Service. And, theoretically, this is an excellent case highlighting the need for communication in a relationship, highlighting the all-too-common expectation that, if one's mate truly loves one, said mate should be able to read one's mind.
However...I can't help but notice that this guy is complaining that his wife never gives him gifts without mentioning any intentions or efforts to reciprocate for her many efforts toward him in the form of her love language - i.e. deeds. He feels the need to add that he's never asked her to do these things for him, yet complains that she's not adequately repaying him for giving her gifts that *she* apparently never asked *him* to give to her. His gifts to her sound an awful lot like part of a covert contract to me - he's being a Nice Guy (as in No More Mr. Nice Guy). He doesn't mention any dissatisfaction/complaints on her part, so it appears to me as though she does things for him because she gets joy out of doing things for him - whereas he gives her gifts because he wants something from her in return. (As opposed to the men and women who gives their SOs gifts because doing so brings them joy.)
Plus, I can't help but think that the thousands of guys out there currently trying to figure out a delicate way of telling their wives, "Honey, I adore you, but I'm not as attracted to you now that you've started sitting on the couch all the time and gained 70 pounds" would give a limb, or at least a digit, to have a wife who considers keeping herself in shape important because it makes her husband happy. I think those guys would manage to content themselves with buying their own t-shirts and iPods, too.
My advice for the LW would be to sit down with the wife and say, "Honey, I love buying you presents, but given how the economy's going, I think we need to cut back on spending for a bit. However, I would love to start doing something for you so that you'd have more time for yourself - to go to the gym or do something else you enjoy. What can I do?" Wait a few weeks until the new routine gets settled - i.e. he vacuums the downstairs twice a week, or whatever, while she goes to the gym - and then bring up the gift thing. Sounds as though she's the one doing all the family shopping - she could pick him up a little item as she's going through checkout at the supermarket or at a Bed Bath and Beyond-type store. He has the right to have his wife's love for him expressed in a manner that comports with his love language, as long as 1) he's not viewing his gifts to her as creating an obligation on her part and 2) he's not bankrupting himself.
I would suggest, though, that he not try complaining to his friends that his wife doesn't seem to find gifts all that important and would instead prefer to spend her time taking care of him and exercising so that she'll look good. I don't think he'll get much sympathy.
marion at January 7, 2009 6:39 PM
I can understand why he would like her to buy anything for him as a gift, even just a token like a T-shirt. There's something about getting a gift-wrapped package from the one you love and, I guess, knowing they went out shopping just for you. It's obviously something he's into. But he really needs to look at the big picture. She already spends tons of time and consideration on him, and she seemed to want to go beyond another material gift to giving him something she saw as more significant--making herself more sexy for him. So please see the forest for the trees, LW--your feelings are understandable, but in this case you need to let them go and appreciate what you have, which sounds wonderful to us here!
Debra at January 8, 2009 12:46 AM
First time one of Amy's columns has made me respond.
I'm not sure why everyone seems to assume that the only parity that exists in this marriage is the gifts/housework. Unless someone knows otherwise, I assume that this guy actually works for a living, supporting both him and his wife on his salary. True, she has a full day taking care of the home while doing school (something I'm currently doing myself.) Nevertheless, who says that his day is any less full?
Is it really beyond the realm of possibility that he is simply a more giving person than her? Let's face it - many people do not chose their spouse wisely, primarily seeking external factors rather than character traits. And it's not always easy to really know someone even if you do care...until you're married.
It seems to me that this giving fellow has simply gotten himself into a rotten situation - he's married a person who is less giving than himself. I suspect that "Let Down" would also tell us that she's less giving in other ways - in bed, for example. A card promising to go to the gym for a present? You people have got to be kidding me - she's doing that at least as much for herself as she is for him.
I'm a firm believer in working through situations that you get yourself into, rather than cutting and running. Nevertheless, I have more than a smidgen of pity for "Let Down" - if he stays with his wife, barring something extraordinary, he's got a lot of frustration to look forward to in the coming years.
D. Advocate at January 8, 2009 1:37 AM
I'll second D advocate and add that gym memberships also cost money.
I don't think she's doing it for him at all but her and, shrug, rather than bother to trouble herself with shopping or spend more money on him instead of herself, wrote a sorry note and fed him a guilt trip about all the trouble she's going to. May even be hinting that he needs a workout or two.
We know way too little about these two to know who's selfish and who's giving or even if they are both selfish, self-centered, look at me. I get the impression that they're both playing the look at me, what a great spouse I am game -- in the way that's laziest for them. (She's more physical, he's more buy it than do it.)
R U Kidinme at January 8, 2009 6:42 AM
Kahlil Gibran said, "Work is love made visible."
Deirdre B. at January 8, 2009 7:09 AM
I have to agree with Debra on this one.
I feel that he has every right to be disappointed in his wife. Sure, she is taking "care" of their home while going to school and working part-time to pay for HER tuition. However, he is working to PROVIDE their home and make sure that she has a cozy pillow to lay her head at night.
While there are plenty of men who take advantage of women and often take their beloved for granted, this man does not appear to be one of them and I think that she needs to remove the blinders and show more appreciation than a gym membership for herself.
Not Narrow-Minded at January 8, 2009 8:33 AM
Holy shit, why is everyone suddenly turning on the wife? There's no reason to believe that LW ever tried simply telling her what would make him happy. I'm sure she would buy him the damn shirts if she knew it was such a big deal. If I were her, I wouldn't think of buying him gifts either, because they would seem so cheap and stupid compared to the things he buys me. So, I would try to think of creative ways I could do things for him that don't cost money. Hey, maybe since the communication is so bad in this marriage, she might be secretly resenting him spending so much on her.
Karen at January 8, 2009 10:26 AM
And I'd add that if he's spending money they don't have, I'd be a little bitter about the gifts and less appreciative.
MonicaP at January 8, 2009 12:02 PM
Karen,
While I'm not saying it's beyond the realm of possibility that this couple has a communication problem, I doubt it. In fact, I tend to believe (with author David Schnarch) in the inevitability of communication between spouses. Usually, a "lack of communication" is actually a dislike of the messages that are being transmitted.
To wit, I'd stake money on the fact that this husband has attempted to communicate his frustrations to his wife.
D. Advocate at January 8, 2009 1:20 PM
I disagree with the supposition that the husband has probably attempted to communicate his frustrations to his wife. That would be a pretty major detail to leave out of his description of the situation. Looks to me more like instead of expressing his feelings to his wife, he's taking his complaints to a third party looking for validation of his point of view.
One of the things that stands out most to me is that the LW says his wife's offer to get in shape (implicitly for his happiness) "means a lot" to him but isn't a "real gift." I can't help wondering whether it really means a lot to him or he just thought that that's the kind of thing one ought to say. If it really meant a lot to him, I doubt he'd be writing a letter wishing she had bought him some T-shirts. On top of that, he says he's upset that she didn't "take the time" to buy him some random piece of stuff. If time spent is the issue, what about the time she's spending cooking and cleaning for him? It seems clear he's also hung up on the monetary value of his gifts, since he felt the need to mention that he can't afford them and to list the items (so that their dollar value can be estimated by the reader). Call me crazy, but doesn't all that sound a little materialistic?
It seems like the LW needs to be more honest with himself about what he values.
Mizireni at January 8, 2009 4:50 PM
Why does the LW think that spending money he doesn't have is a virtue? Too many people maxing out their credit cards is why our economy is what it is and inflation is so high.
Lily at January 8, 2009 7:30 PM
Mizireni,
I did not mean that he's necessarily communicated his frustration in an overt manner. We all know the little signs our spouses use to show displeasure - the eyes rolling, the sighs, etc. But I'm quite sure that "Let Down"'s spouse knows full well that her husband is frustrated by her lack of reciprocity. She probably just doesn't care enough to do anything about it.
Furthermore, I do not doubt that he will take the step of communicating his frustration explicitly, if he hasn't done so already. G'luck to him on that - it's unlikely to change anything.
D. Advocate at January 9, 2009 4:33 AM
It could just as easily be the case that she's going out of her way to do things for him instead of buying him things to show him that she values deeds more than things, and this is her way of communicating what she wants to him. In this case, they're both failing to communicate effectively. To communicate effectively, you have to tailor what you say in a way that the other person understands, not in a way that you think they should understand.
To put it another way, if I'm speaking English and my co-worker undertands only French, I can hardly get pissed off with her for ignoring what I say.
MonicaP at January 9, 2009 6:53 AM
I almost never think our lady of advice is being to hard on someone. In fact almost everyone who writes to her needs a swift kick in the ass.
Even this LW could use one or two for tossing aside good fiscal sense to buy expensive gifts.
But what he seems to mean as far as the gym present goes, is that she's doing it for herself, not for him. Rather like the inconsiderate husband who gives a bowling ball to a wife that doesn't bowl, so he can "borrow" it for his own bowling outings.
I think that is what he believes the gift is in its own slightly more subtle way. I'd like to think he's incorrect, but who knows?
There is enough ambiguity here that coming down hard on the LW might be inappropriate. If the woman regularly makes gifts to him that are for her, that is what needs to be known.
Otherwise, well our lady of advice is dead on.
Robert at January 13, 2009 3:15 AM
Everyone seems to infer that "buying gifts I can't really afford" means charging everything, or wasting money. I also have bought my lady things I "couldn't really afford", which simply means I've gone for a time without things I wanted, in order to squirrel away money for the gift. I don't charge anything, or increase mutual debt. Had I not given up some things, I wouldn't have been able to "afford" the gift. I happily did it; what's so wrong about it?
I give LW a pass here, unless I learn something different.
Pete the Streak at January 14, 2009 7:39 AM
The LW is a douche.
He would rather have a tee shirt than a card saying "I will shape up and give you better sex".
I think the key is that he puts the family in trouble buying things that he cannot afford. Imagine she is actually a great partner, sees what happens to the bank account, and just cannot bring herself to slap him down or repeat his mistakes.
For most men, a real man, a birthday cake and a toe-curling BJ would be the birthday to be remembered. Costs nothing. Except the cake.
smarty at January 24, 2009 6:57 AM
i think what she is doing is a GREAT gift. giving her husband a "better" version of herself to make him happy. that's HUGE! he's being a total baby whining about some stupid t-shirts. it's like dude, get over yourself. you have the kind of women that other men would kill for and you're hung up on some insignificant materialistic stuff.
Ms. Sassy at January 27, 2009 1:49 PM
Amy is so right!!!
This woman already cooks, cleans, washes, and works outside the home and he is asking for a gift?
Maybe he should downsize his gifts. I don't mean it in a bad way, but if they can't afford it, then don't get it. Yes, we like flowers and such but sometimes a thank you can go a long way.
Ana at February 5, 2009 12:38 PM
Hey you guys! I think you missed the fact that her husband says:
"She works so hard at school, and works to pay her tuition, and still washes my clothes, cooks, and cleans"
She is going to school, working and taking care of him! I think he needs to be grateful for the amazing woman he has and quit asking for more.
Tracey at March 1, 2009 7:14 PM
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