Gramping Her Style
My girlfriend of almost a year recently moved in with me. I'm 42; she's 29. The week after she moved in, her friends made fun of our age difference and my supposedly looking too old for her. She's undecided about much in her life, and this increased her confusion. She'd never voiced problems with the age spread before, but after the flak from her friends, she started pulling away from me in public and acting like we're not connected. In general, she seems very dissatisfied. When I pressed her, she said she wished she were more physically attracted to me, and said she's never felt overly anything for anyone (religion and sex issues, abuse at home, etc.). She feels guilty that her feelings haven't deepened over time like mine. I told her the initial love drug never lasts; you have to work on a relationship. My investment so far seems worth working for. I guess I just need her to share with me more, keep me in the loop.
--Somewhat Older Man
If you want a fair shake from a jury, rob a liquor store. You'll have your day in court instead of your day in the food court -- being judged by your girlfriend's clique of seventh-grader girlfriends from their jury box at Cinnabon.
Hope you don't think it impolite of me to ask, but what's your head doing all the way up there? Here you are, telling yourself you just have to get your girlfriend to "share" with you more. Um, perhaps you failed to notice, but the last time she shared, it didn't turn out so well: "You're old and embarrassing, and I can't bear to be seen with you in public." (But, hey, what's not to love?)
You also trot out the old saw about how you have to "work on a relationship," apparently confusing your girlfriend with stained grout. Sorry, but there's no amount of elbow grease you can put into this that will make everything come out okay. It would be different if there were a few issues mucking up a good thing. That's when you talk it out, rent space on a therapist's couch, and otherwise invest in the Self-Help Industrial Complex.
But, here's a girl whose favorite thing to do in the bedroom is probably hiding under the bed so you won't pester her for sex. Almost a year in, she finally admits she isn't attracted to you. Not only that, she seems incapable of being attracted or bonded to anyone due to a wad of serious issues she never saw fit to resolve. In case that didn't dissuade you, she doesn't seem to have opinions, just friends with opinions, and if she feels anything for you, it's a mild sense of apathy. Yet, you see all this as your cue to have the elder statesman chat with her about the staying power of the "initial love drug" -- which it seems she held in her cheek and spit out when the love orderlies had their backs turned.
The one person you really need to "share" more with is you. In the face of unpleasant truths, humans have a propensity to deny reality. This doesn't change reality; it just gives your misery tenure. Admit the truth, and you can get out of your "investment" instead of waiting for life to push your nose into the swampland so hard that you have to call it swampland -- or, rather, you have to concede there's little chance your girlfriend will ever come to the conclusion that home is where the old fart is.
Presumably Amy knows more than is in the column here. But from what is written, it seems that the problem has little to do with age and much to do with the girlfriends unresolved problems.
Is this not just another "nice guy" who has confused dating with being an amateur therapist?
bradley13 at March 4, 2009 2:24 AM
I agree bradly.
This guy needs to sit down with his girlfreind and explain to her that her inability to think for herself and living her ;life according to the whims of her freind prove that she is indeed to young for a relationship, then he needs to tell her to pack her crap and leave.
lujlp at March 4, 2009 4:01 AM
Sometimes you confuse "investment" for time in which is really just time wasted here sadly. LW should buck up, eat the mistake and move on. Stop trying to prove to himself it wasnt all downhill from the start and acknowledge a year isnt wasted if you learned something important.
Jenesee at March 4, 2009 5:48 AM
"her friends made fun of our age difference and my supposedly looking too old for her." I got shit for my taste in older women in college. If this is enough to kill the relationship then it's not worth the effort just walk away. However their ball busting my be coincidental. The moving in with you might have triggered it as it occurred around the same time.
"When I pressed her" you tripped a defense mechanism.
"She's undecided about much in her life, and this increased her confusion." Which means that she's likely to throw up a screen to avoid a decision, the past history hints at this as well. Give her some space to figure this out for herself.
vlad at March 4, 2009 6:07 AM
11 months or so in, and you are putting up with this shit, lettter writer?
Move on.
"This guy needs to sit down with his girlfreind and explain to her that her inability to think for herself and living her life according to the whims of her freind prove that she is indeed to young for a relationship, then he needs to tell her to pack her crap and leave."
Nah. Wasted breath. Just help her pack like the nice, patient father figure he is to her.
Spartee at March 4, 2009 7:22 AM
"My investment so far seems worth working for."
Ah, the sunk-cost fallacy in action!
Melissa G at March 4, 2009 7:24 AM
I'm 44, F, and dated a 61 year old a few years back. I had the same problem with him... felt pretty shallow about it, but a stinging remark from a "friend" really hurt because deep inside, I felt the same way.
I'm surprised that Amy didn't advise this guy to act more like an Alpha.
And I've also been in her situation 20 years ago... living with someone I wasn't that attracted to, not in touch enough with myself to really even be present for him, or for anyone.
She's gonna feel terrible when he gives her those walking papers, but I think that's what I would do in his shoes. He can do it with kindness but he deserves something better than what she can give him right now.
vi at March 4, 2009 8:04 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/03/gramping-her-st.html#comment-1636958">comment from viI generally don't tell people what to do. It's actually unproductive. Tell people they're wrong, and per Tavris and Aronson on human nature, they'll cling "even more tenaciously" to what they've been doing. What I do is lay out why people are being stupid so they can see it and process it for themselves, in a way that removes that propensity to defend what they've been doing, and stick with it.
Tavris and Aronson's very interesting book is here: Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts.
Amy Alkon at March 4, 2009 8:23 AM
LW: Do you really want to be with someone you have to convince to love you?
MonicaP at March 4, 2009 9:55 AM
An age difference of 10yrs or more is tricky w/ women younger than 30. Not that you can't get something started, but it's seldom going to last.
The only couples that I've known to have made this work have been ones where the man is affluent and handsome - i.e. he doesn't look like your typical 45yr old.
A lot of 20 something women are attracted to 'older guys' but only so long as they're the younger woman. They don't want to be seen as part of an older couple. And as they approach 30, that's exactly how they begin to be perceived. But it seems that once they're into their 30's, the acceptable age range opens up again.
Jack at March 4, 2009 10:10 AM
I like Jenesee's comment about not confusing investment with time. That applies to alot of situations. Vi, I'm not sure what you mean by acting like an alpha, but I do know you can't make someone like you, or become mature. Nice guys need to ask themselves what the girl contributes to the relationship. If it's not intelligence, personality and support, it won't last. Take it from a fellow NG.
T at March 4, 2009 12:09 PM
I'm about the same age as LW's girlfriend, and I can't imagine letting my friends influence my relationships like that. Husband is 9 years older than me... I had one friend, a long time ago, who made frequent (catty) remarks about the age difference until I let her know that 1.It wasn't funny, it was disrespectful, and 2.She wouldn't be invited over (or out with us) any more if she couldn't STFU.
And really... 42 isn't old, and 29 isn't exactly a spring chicken. B*tch needs to grow up.
ahw at March 4, 2009 12:22 PM
Per Lujlp: This guy needs to sit down with his girlfreind and explain to her that her inability to think for herself...prove that she is indeed to young for a relationship...
I just had a thought: Maybe inability to think for herself really isn't the problem. She may have felt put off about the age difference for a long time, but was reluctant for some reason to express it. That, of course, doesn't explain why she moved in with him to begin with, but maybe she fell victim to the "sunk cost fallacy" as well.
old rpm daddy at March 4, 2009 12:38 PM
I agree, ahw. One of my friends frequently repeated a joking but insulting comment about my boyfriend's physical appearance. It didn't make me feel less attracted to my boyfriend--but it sure as hell made being friends with this person less attractive.
sofar at March 4, 2009 12:44 PM
If she was put of why did she move in with him?
lujlp at March 4, 2009 1:10 PM
According to XKCD (Admittedly not the best source for advice, but still hilarious), the "non-creepy" dating pool formula is: (AGE/2)+7. (reference: http://xkcd.com/314) So our 29 year old woman is just barely inside the gentleman's acceptable dating range. That said, if she can't handle it, she can't handle it. Bad news, dude: It's over. But look on the bright side: It's over!
Frank at March 4, 2009 3:25 PM
Most women in their twenties (or any age) aren't attracted to guys that much older than them. Some are, it is true. This woman does not seem to be one of them. Doesn't make her a bitch. People are attracted to what they are attracted to her.
This LW should break up, if he wants to be with someone who actually loves him and is attracted to him.
NicoleK at March 4, 2009 5:34 PM
"to her" at the end of the first paragraph should read "to."
NicoleK at March 4, 2009 5:38 PM
This woman does not seem to be one of them
Well she probably was at one point, but the thrill is gone.
When I was in my early twenties, and living in SF, many of the women my age that I knew had 'dated' at least one guy in his mid thirties or later. It was just one of those things that a lot of girls seemed to want to try. But these relationships didn't tend to last more than a month or so.
Today, in my late 30's, I get flirted with by women as young as 18 or 19. But I probably look a bit younger than I am - and this flirting strikes me as role playing more than anything else. But for someone less scrupulous a/o mature, it could probably lead to something.
Marko at March 4, 2009 6:24 PM
He needs to dump this unappreciative bit*h. Why did she stay with him for a year? I'm sure there was a reason. So now she wants something different? Hey let her go out and see how hard it is to find decent people to date...after getting pounded by a few harley-riding badboys she'll be back, whining for him to take her back, and saying how she "changed"...in the meantime, maybe he can upgrade!
mike at March 5, 2009 9:21 AM
The woman (who sounds like a girl of 17) obviously has unresolved daddy issues. She was never attracted to him sexually, so mature guys don't appear to be her kink, otherwise she would have picked a much older one. She probably moved in with him just to prove to herself and her mom and her friends that she could get a man (any man will do), but then once she got one, she realized she didn't even like him.
The LW is thinking with his dick. She must be pretty hot for him to put up with her shit, and he isn't even getting any, from the sounds of things. If he's OK looking, he can do better, and get a hot woman that will actually want to have sex with him. Maybe he has low self-esteem and thinks he can't do any better.
He should dump her, get into really good shape at the gym, buy some new clothes, and trade up.
Chrissy at March 5, 2009 9:27 AM
Right on Chrissy! Thats what I was trying to say...
mike at March 5, 2009 11:22 AM
It doesn't sound to me like the age difference is really the problem. It just sounds to me like the woman is just bored of the relationship, not in love with LW anymore, and self-centered. I've been through exactly the same thing and it has nothing to do with age. Sometimes people just get bored of relationships - and if you aren't raised on the idea of committing to and working on a relationship (she certainly sounds like she hasn't been, though the older generation is more likely to think that way), then you *cannot* make someone do it. These days, the younger generation's culture is "when you're bored you end it", and you cannot change that. Find someone who is interested in you (and ideally someone whose values match yours in terms of working on relationships). It's nothing personal. It's gonna hurt to end it, but fact is, it sounds like it's over already.
DavidJ at March 5, 2009 1:34 PM
DavidJ, I am curious as to how you go about "working on" a relationship when you find the other person boring and unattractive. I can see how that could happen - someone seems hot and exciting at first, until you get to know them better and find that they're spineless or racist, or some other deal-breaker you wouldn't know about in the beginning.
When you meet someone and have great chemistry with them, have fun with them, and have a couple of differences you need to hash through, that's one thing. But what is even the point of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't light you up?
You can "work on" having different ideas about, say, managing money, but how do you manufacture an emotion that simply doesn't exist?
Pirate Jo at March 5, 2009 3:26 PM
home is where the old fart is!? ha! good one, amy.
jane at March 6, 2009 12:24 AM
I agree with Pirate Jo. I think the assumption is that there is something wrong with being single, and based on that assumption, you have to do everything in your power to avoid the dreaded single-ness.
A relationship with anyone that you CHOOSE to associate with (friend, bf, gf, etc.) should make you happy and enrich your life somehow. If it doesn't, what's the point?
Chrissy at March 6, 2009 6:48 AM
"But what is even the point of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't light you up?"
But there is no one other person who can just keep "lighting you up" constantly. Everyone, say, has fights or gets annoyed with their partner sometimes, and everyone in pretty much every relationship ever has surely gone through periods where they just wanted to end it and really disliked the other person, but stuck through it. Are you saying that the moment you go through a patch where it feels negative or isn't pleasant, where it's no longer fun, you end it? I guess I'm just old-fashioned, but I never agreed with that. You for sure have to do some "work" to keep a relationship interesting and fun, it doesn't happen by itself (maybe women see it differently, because oftentimes men are expected to do the 'creating of the fun environment' while women tend to 'go along for the ride'? --- e.g. women often say they're looking for a man who can 'make them laugh' but men never say they're looking for a woman who can 'make them laugh', it even sounds weird).
Obviously there are times when a relationship is clearly dead. I am certainly not saying a relationship has to be a continual drudge. But "working on it" just means, really, not being totally selfish. For example, you might go through a rough time in a relationship where, say, your boyfriend's mom gets cancer and slowly gets sicker and passes away --- I guarantee there is going to be a long period that has a lot of "not fun" stuff in it - do you dump him because it's not fun anymore? In those times I think a partner should "be there" to support the other (because I think proper friends/partners should help support each other through difficult times) - now that's a drudge, it's no fun supporting someone through a tough time like that, but "working on a relationship" really means as little as being there for that person, and not deciding to say "sorry, your mom has cancer, I just want to have fun and not have to put up with this serious stuff".
Now maybe it sounds unbelievable but I went through something very similar myself recently (my mom is terminally ill) and where my (now ex) girlfriend said *exactly* that, I quote nearly word for word - "I'm in my mid-twenties and I just want to have fun and not have to deal with all this grown up stuff". No relationship is only fun, there *is* horrible, real-world icky stuff. And nobody is permanently attracted to their partner. I honestly think women maybe see it differently, because women traditionally wait for someone to sweep them off their feet while men do the sweeping and are also supposed to be the 'bedrocks of support' in a relationship. Men usually earn the money too and have to deal with the icky real-world stuff.
DavidJ at March 6, 2009 11:16 AM
"I'm in my mid-twenties and I just want to have fun and not have to deal with all this grown up stuff"
Oh yes, and it's not that she was no longer attracted to me - on the contrary, the 'chemistry' was fantastic, and we got along real well. She just wanted the whole thing to be 'only fun', all the time. That's "not working on" a relationship.
DavidJ at March 6, 2009 11:45 AM
"I guess I just need her to share with me more, keep me in the loop. "
You are you, and I am I, and if ever we should join it may be beautiful, or it might draw out into a descending spiral of unhappiness, regret, unspoken complaints, poorly-founded assumptions, and finally rage that manifests itself as piles of burning clothing.
Flee before you find your Underoos soaked with lighter fluid and stacked on the lawn.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at March 6, 2009 1:18 PM
David she did you a favor by being so candid. Her attitude isn't indicative of 25yr olds, it's a character flaw. She's probably not going to be able to deal with the grown up stuff when she's 35 or 45 or 55 either.
SteveSteve at March 6, 2009 8:53 PM
Men usually earn the money too and have to deal with the icky real-world stuff.
Women are only going to stick around so long as you serve their interests.
There's a old saying..
Men fall in love with the object of their romance, women fall in love with the condition.
What this means is that men fall in love with a person, women fall in love with the situation that love brings. Once this situation changes, there's a very good likelihood that her affection will diminish. Many men perceive this as opportunism, but it's just part of womens' nature. They don't actually love men in the way that men love women. They love the image of themselves in love. Their love is basically narcissistic. Men are a proxy for their self-regard.
Andrea the Giant at March 6, 2009 9:12 PM
SteveSteve is correct, David. Your ex-girlfriend has a big character flaw. But it is not all women. HUMANS in general are flawed.
There are plenty of men who are willing to sit on their asses and let women earn the money and deal with all of the "real world icky stuff." I am now 48 and I find that with each succeeding generation, there are more and more of such men. I was married to one of them (husband #1, a youthful, brief, stupid mistake) about 25 years ago. I was surprised and saddened to see my 2nd husband turn into such a man when he suddenly decided to "retire" from working at the ripe old age of 34, expecting me to support him, so that he could stay home and do martial arts all day. (We had no children). I moved out on my last boyfriend because I didn't want to help support his 20 year old son, who has already dropped out of college twice and is on his way to doing it a third time. This kid has only held one job (flipping burgers, you guessed it) and quit it because a manager he liked got fired.
As for the LW, he should dump the little girl and find someone closer to his own age who will welcome his company. If he is self-supporting, has no ex-wife or children, he should be able to find another woman in no time.
Rozita at March 7, 2009 12:15 AM
"There are plenty of men who are willing to sit on their asses and let women earn the money and deal with all of the "real world icky stuff." I am now 48 and I find that with each succeeding generation, there are more and more of such men"
I've been hearing more and more about such men lately, even involved with people I know - so much so that I was actually wondering if it's on the increase, or if I just happen to be hearing of it more. I find it particularly disgusting, because one of my strongest core values is that a man *must* be self-sufficient, and capable of supporting himself and his children. Most disturbing to me is how long the women have put up with it in all the cases I hear of. Honestly, the first time a man leeches anything bigger than a dinner off of you, you should drop him, it's a sign that something is very off, both with his finances and value system. Parents don't seem to teach this to their daughters anymore, or something (and maybe don't seem to preach self-sufficiency to their sons). I would never leech a cent off others (particularly not the woman in my life).
I'm finding that there seem to be more and more women who are only 'take' in relationships (not mutually supportive) - who just want 'fun' and are cold and selfish - but I suspect I might just be choosing them badly (thinking with the wrong head).
DavidJ at March 7, 2009 2:09 AM
In fact it's wrong to even call a male who is not self-sufficient a "man" - that's a "boy" - you're far too generous. I can't stand them, they give real men a bad name (and provide fuel to the anti-male propagandists).
DavidJ at March 7, 2009 2:14 AM
@Andrea the Giant - what you say rings very true to me.
DavidJ at March 7, 2009 2:20 AM
Bad Advice: Ewww, you two look bad together cause he is too old for you.
Good Advice: He is quite a bit older than you. What about as time goes on? Are you two going to have enough in common to not drive each other to abject boredom or insanity?
Every girl I have dated had at least one girlfriend who could always be counted on to give her bad advice. That one girlfriend who gives emotional advice based on her own insecurities, past dopey decisions, or current uncertain situation.
It's not an easy thing to do but the LW needs to act on sound thought, not on his insecurities. I read his *too much time invested* comment as his insecurities speaking. If he was to look at the logic, he would know the odds say, very likely, it is soooo not going to get better. If he must keep up the pursuit, probably the best shot at bringing her around to his way of thinking is to have her move out. Keep up some mild interest at best. Maybe he can trick her mind into thinking he doesn't want her all that much. It might result in her desire for him increasing (or actually being there in the first place). Not likely but I don't see any other way.
TW at March 8, 2009 3:37 AM
Rozita, I've met lots of guys who were looking for me to support them, and my ex-husband was one of them. After I got rid of my lazy ex-husband, I only dated guys who had the self-respect to support themselves (you know, like have a job), and would never dream of mooching off me (even if they were just friend with benefits). Every one of my female friend have met guys like this, so it's very common. I've always earned my own money since I was 18 and dealt with the messy real world. I've never looked to be a dependant, nor was I looking for one.
Women think that the man will change when they move in together/marry them, which is what I foolishly thought about my ex.
I think men fall in love with a woman's appearance (face & body) and usually have no clue as to who she is as a person, till much later, and they wake up and notice she's a total psycho-bitch.
I like to take my time getting to know a man, and if I do fall in love, it is due to his attractiveness, physical fitness, and most importantly, his character and how he treats me. I happen to like myself, and if a man is not very appreciative and shows it in his actions (like being kind, considerate, affectionate, etc) then I won't stick around.
Chrissy at March 8, 2009 9:13 AM
I think men fall in love with a woman's appearance (face & body) and usually have no clue as to who she is as a person, till much later, and they wake up and notice she's a total psycho-bitch.
Amen to that. But not all attractive women are psycho-biatches. A lot of them are perfectly normal, just pretty.
Also very attractive women often have to deal with a lot of psycho behavior from men. I'd seen this first-hand with my sister. She was very pretty when she was younger - like model/actress pretty.
Men tend to view such attractive women in the way that some women view very wealthy men. They take on a significance that bears little relationship to who they are as a person.
I think that this is one of the reasons that these women tend to get a little neurotic - and they don't tend to age well, emotionally.
Mack at March 8, 2009 10:26 AM
I've used those exact deathnell words: "I wish I was more physically attracted to you." And I loved him, but that part of the relationship was not fulfilling.
However, when it's a nice guy who genuinely cares, young women tend to feel guilty and believe that it is their fault somehow - that there must be something missing inside (often blaming past abuse or inexperience) and it will change over time.
So, we keeping hoping some sort of spark will ignite in the bedroom before finally coming to the sad conclusion that the chemistry is just not there with this PERSON (usually precipitated by discovering how easy and unforced the chemistry is with someone else).
My guess is that the girl has met another guy...or if not, she will meet someone who truly lights her fire. But, at either rate, this relationship is dead.
I mean, it's only been "almost a year". The thrill should not be gone, which says to me that it was never really there. You can work on things like leaving the toilet seat up - or differences in communication style - but you cannot "work" on feeling attraction. As guilty as she probably feels for saying so, she has indeed been very clear and honest that she does not have that kind of desire for him.
She's not psycho or manipulative. She's a normal young woman who has learned a valuable lesson about physical chemistry.
Although it's not what he wants to hear, the LW needs to graciously accept this information and end the relationship so they can both find partners better suited for them.
She'll probably feel relieved if he ends things, because right now, it sounds like she is being "confused" by him telling her that you can have a relationship even when you're not attracted to the other person. He's old enough to know better, but she isn't.
lovelysoul at March 8, 2009 12:21 PM
The thrill should not be gone, which says to me that it was never really there.
I don't know LS. I've had plenty of acquaintances that had started off hot and heavy, but fizzled after a short while. There was a genuine attraction, while it lasted.
But I agree that it's not fair to assume that this woman is a basket-case. This relationship may have simply run its course.
Personally I'm very skeptical of 'working it out' generally. It's one thing to work at maintaining a relationship, but when it's gotten to the point that one individual simply isn't interested any longer, there really doesn't seem to be much that can be done.
SteveSteve at March 8, 2009 5:11 PM
>>But I agree that it's not fair to assume that this woman is a basket-case. This relationship may have simply run its course.
Personally I'm very skeptical of 'working it out' generally. It's one thing to work at maintaining a relationship, but when it's gotten to the point that one individual simply isn't interested any longer, there really doesn't seem to be much that can be done.
I don't know SS. Almost a year in and she says, "I don't find you attractive"? That isn't about "not interested any longer", that is about *never was interested*. Maybe basket case is too strong, maybe or maybe not, but I think it is fair to believe her thought process is abnormally disfunctional. You move in with someone you are not attracted to, then are swayed about the validity of the relationship because her friends think he looks too old for her? IMHO, I think this goes measurably further than the run of the mill, dopey, 20 something who thinks they have found "true love" after a 3rd date special moment behind the Bowling Simulator at Dave And Buster's.
TW at March 9, 2009 12:25 AM
"I think men fall in love with a woman's appearance (face & body) and usually have no clue as to who she is as a person, till much later, and they wake up and notice she's a total psycho-bitch."
It all goes back to the "Men are visual" thing. And that, too, has been taken to the extreme with each succeeding generation. I'm not talking about morbid obesity here. Unless the waist-to-hip ratio is exactly right, the girl's nipples are the right size, and the bikini wax is the right shape, modern men have trouble performing. Again, that was my first husband's issue with me (25 years ago). I was at a BMI of 23.5 and was working out but he wanted me to get down to a BMI of 17 or he could not get it up with me. I just couldn't do it and I ended up leaving him. (Normal BMI is 18.5-24.9, overweight 25-29.9, obese 30+.)
I had one more boyfriend who was like that, although not as extreme. I have to work to keep the BMI at 25, so I am no bikini model. He "just couldn't say that he loved (me)" because he "was hoping for something more." I dumped him too. What puzzled me was that both of these guys were very bummed when I took my "fat ass" and left!
As far as the comments about the increase in lazy men, who knows? Maybe it really is the coming of age of the children raised on the "everything you do is special, here's a sticker!" entitlement crap and it's people in general, not just men.
But as the world changes, people change. As times get tougher, maybe people will become tougher again.
Rozita at March 9, 2009 4:46 AM
I agree that it sounds more like the attraction was never there, not that it fizzled. I think the LW would've mentioned that.
But I don't believe that makes her particularly dysfunctional. There is a school of thought among women that preaches that passion isn't really necessary, and, as someone else said, women often fall first for the situation rather than the man.
The LW is probably a very nice guy, who seemed to offer her stability and love, which is attractive. Most likely, she WANTED to have physical feelings for him too - and mistakenly thought the physical attraction for him would grow in time, because people(women) often say that, but in my experience, it isn't true.
It takes maturity and confidence to understand what you really want and need from a relationship...and still, even at my age, it gets confusing, especially when there's a nice guy involved or you're receiving bad counsel from friends.
A few years ago, I had a girlfriend who maintained that one should never date attractive men. They're more likely to cheat and treat you badly, she said, which actually sounded kind of reasonable to me at the time. Her theory was that the less attractive men would be more appreciative and stable. They would worship me and treat me like gold, she promised.
So, for 3 or 4 months, I tried only dating men that I really did not find attractive. Most were nice and probably would've been good partners in every other way, so I really wanted to be happy in those relationships. I focused on all their good traits, rather than the physical shortcomings, but feeling turned off just isn't going to work for me...and I decided it wasn't fair to them either.
Yet, this demonstrates how we women can sometimes try to work ourselves into love, especially when there's a nice guy and stable situation involved. It's scarier to go for what you really want...after all, you might not find it or you may get hurt. So, often, women think, "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush", and they'll settle for less than they should. And sex is usually the first standard that gets lowered.
I'm not defending that logic, because I believe it is flawed, but it's very common among women.
lovelysoul at March 9, 2009 6:24 AM
I know a few women who won't date attractive men for the same reason as lovelysoul's friend. I think it's simplistic and not fair to attractive men.
I know that attractive women aren't all psycho-bitches. I'm an attractive woman and very nice and normal (I think). I've experienced very bizarre behaviour by men because they are reacting to my looks and making incorrect assumptions about me. Instead of hating men or getting bitter, I realize that they're being cautious or irrational and keep my distance emotionally. If they decide that they can trust me and open up, then I'll do the same. It takes a long time to get to know someone, and I'm not in a hurry.
Chrissy at March 9, 2009 12:42 PM
I believe women fall in love with the 'potential' man, not the one that's standing right at the end of their nose.
Standard rule about potential partners to be drilled into everyone's heads from birth:
NOTE: True, lasting personal 'epiphanies' are as rare as hen's teeth. Proceed accordingly.Asrai at March 11, 2009 2:46 AM
Dump this idiot and move on.
metalman at April 19, 2009 6:34 AM
Glad to see there are other Amy addicts besides myself.
Most of the letters she gets are so LAME, like this one, I always wonder if she makes them up.
So this "Old" guy of 42, has issues with this "young" gal of 29 who moves in with him a YEAR after they have been together, and she has age issues.
Both sound like dummies to me. 42 isn't old and 29 isn't young.
Both are in the middle.
If it works, it works, if it doesn't. In most countries in the world that age difference is standard!
The issue is that she moved in with him and then it happened. Did they really know each other or what?
To cut to the quick, the relationship is over, and I'm laughing that the guy didn't figure this out on his own.
Age doesn't matter if you are what I'd call a real human, meaning that you aren't stuck on generational things. For the record I'm 59 and my girlfeiend is 27. But I'm not stuck on the Beatles and she's not texting and constantly looking at her Ipod, etc.
We talk about things like the weather, food, cooking, animals, friends, and life in general. So I admit that we are atypical.
Maybe I whould write and ask Amy what's wrong with me.
The guy is a dolt for having the lady move in with him and she's still a Hanna Montana fan that has't grown up.
Wayne at May 9, 2009 1:51 PM
I really appreciate your work , Great post.
Sklep akwarystyczny w szczecinie at August 26, 2011 8:35 PM
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