Stopped In The Name Of Love
I've been dating a man for 14 years, and engaged to him for seven. Unfortunately, I cannot move forward because I've never gotten over my high school sweetheart. We swore we were best friends and soul mates forever, and dated from 15 to 23, then got engaged. I broke our engagement to date another guy. That lasted a month before turning sour. I realized I'd made a major mistake, but he was already dating another girl. He married her on my birthday. They're still married, with children. My birthday is now a yearly reminder of my horrible error. I sometimes hear he still carries a torch for me. I would never interfere in somebody's marriage; however, I'm in need of closure, and find myself mentally writing him to express my feelings. Life is short. I need to share my sincere apologies and let him know how special he was to me. I've kept this secret for too long.
--Lost Soul Mate
You've "kept this secret for too long"? Too long for whom? As if the guy has just been sitting around all these years waiting for you to drop by and say, "I'm so sorry I've been somewhat delayed in trying to break up your family."
The way you put it, you just can't hold back, in part because of your teen pact, "We swore we were best friends and soul mates forever." Really? When I was in eighth grade, I announced, "Rollerskating is my life." Yet, here I am spending my days writing, not zipping around doing "shoot-the-duck." It doesn't help that you buy into the myth of the soul mate -- the ridiculous idea that there's one person out there who's absolutely perfect for you. Of course, this person will speak your language and maybe even attend your high school; it's never somebody thousands of miles away who's running around spearing wildebeests while wearing underwear made out of a gourd.
You have made a "horrible error," but it wasn't ditching the guy for some studboy who caught your eye way back when. That's just garden-variety 20-something rashness and stupidity. Besides, in your teens and 20s, you don't really know who you are, so you bond with a guy because he's kinda cute and likes the same movies. Meet the same guy at 35, and you could find yourselves vastly different. But, never mind considering that. You're too busy chanting "life is short!" -- while putting your life on hold and seriously screwing over the guy you're with (maybe for the entire 14 years of your relationship). Whoops, did you forget to tell him you're emotionally unavailable?
Maybe High School Harry does "carry a torch for you." This doesn't give you the right to grab it and burn his family life to the ground. Not surprisingly, you cloak what you're after in a "need to share (your) sincere apologies." How will that play out? "Hey, I'm really, really sorry, and by the way, should you feel like leaving your wife and children, I'll be outside in 20 minutes with a rent-a-car and a suitcase." Conveniently, mooning over a tragic lost love has none of the emotional risk of giving your all to a relationship that actually exists. If it really is "closure" you're after, decide to get on with your life, and exercise the self-discipline to do it. You'll finally be able to celebrate your birthday for what it really is: a yearly reminder that you're that much closer to having jowls -- a legit reason have the cake lady write "Sorry for your loss," and to swap out the candles for a tiny funeral pyre.
"A yearly reminder that you're that much closer to having jowls", LOL.
The LW remembers the uncaring days of fun and passion and deep feeling with that former #1 flame? LOL, you hit the nail on the head Amy. "Meet the same guy at 35, and you could find yourselves vastly different.". Yep. I suspect this is just a case of someone in the sometimes painfully dull routine of a LTR. She is escaping it by daydreaming of hot steamy stuff of the past. But if the LW and the former #1 flame were to leave everyone behind and go off to live their dream life together, exactly how many years before she would be daydreaming of hot steamy stuff of the past with old flame #2? Or maybe something closer to home this time by daydreaming of the UPS guy who delivers daily.
TW at March 10, 2009 9:02 PM
Old flames can burn for years. I have some sympathy with the LW.
But it's a really bad idea to "let him know how special he was to me." That's just asking for pain and heartache, both in the LW and in other people. How might the old flame's wife react? No-one can say what the knock-on effects might be. There are children involved and they don't need to have their family life turned upside down.
The trouble is, it's all based on a fantasy. Precisely because it did not happen, LW is free to imagine it being as perfect as she wants. LW can only move on if she makes a deliberate choice to live in the real world here and now with her real man, not in some alternate reality. It is a choice, and she is within her rights to live like Miss Haversham if she wishes. But she does not have the right to demand others to play along. She may never fully "get over" her old flame. The best she can do is to decide to leave him in the past.
Norman at March 11, 2009 1:33 AM
You know, engagement is usually a promise to marry in the reasonably near future. I wonder what the guy thinks, that she has managed to stretch it out for seven years?
That's not to diss him: she may be quite the prize in all other ways. But still, unless he is entirely dense, he is quite aware that she is somehow "emotionally unavailable" for marriage. It would be interesting to know the other side of the story...
bradley13 at March 11, 2009 3:35 AM
LW could write the letter expressing her feelings (taking great care no-one else ever knows of its existence!), and then burn it. Burning things has great symbolism and she may find this helps her to let the past go. (After my wife died I had a bundle of condolence cards. I didn't want to keep them, but putting them in the trash would have felt just awful. I eventually hit on burning as a solution.)
Norman at March 11, 2009 5:14 AM
If her current fiance were really the right person for her, her feelings for him would have doused this old flame. Seems like it's unfair to string him along.
sofar at March 11, 2009 6:06 AM
Norman has it right, in that because this is fantasy, she can imagine it being the way she wants. Old flames might burn for decades, but it's time for her to act like an adult. Her desire for "mental closure" is completely self-serving. What good could possibly come from it?
ahw at March 11, 2009 7:07 AM
My imagination is better than any reality, but I got over it. Reality's not so bad, LSM ought to try it.
MarkD at March 11, 2009 7:14 AM
Additionally, I suspect neither her or fiance really wants to marry. If they didn't like the current status quo, there's no way this "engagement" would have stretched out so long. Once again, it seems to be that old societal pressure to marry rearing its ugly head. Say to yourselves and each other. This is good, damned good. And, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. No matter how many people say you need an upgrade to the model you're already happy with.
T's Grammy at March 11, 2009 7:48 AM
Norman is right, old flames can burn long. Which is great for a mental dabble into fantasy, provided you remember that's what it is.
Anecdote on the side of "closure" though...an old flame pinged me through Facebook. He was just out of a nasty divorce and starting to date a new lady. I was in the same situation. It was a good opportunity for him to share the story about why he up and left with no word. He admitted it was something he always regretted and I had to admit, I had always wondered. The difference is that both of us had gone on and were still carrying on...just appreciated the opportunity to explain a past regret. But there were no claims of undying, I can't forget you love. That's just silly! Kinda killed the flame too, so I had to go back to daydreaming about Brad Pitt...
moreta at March 11, 2009 9:53 AM
Yeah, I had one of those tragic lost loves from late teens/early 20s. He was the "bad boy" type . . . into hotrods, in a punk band, dabbled in drugs. Recently (20 years later), I ran into someone who knew him still. I'd really not thought of him in years, but of course I was curious how he was doing. "Oh, you know, pretty well all things considered. In and out of rehab, but this time I think he may really have gotten himself cleaned up." Oh. Well, since I didn't actually see him all sad and broken down, I can just remember the hot blond in leather pants who kinda looked like a young Billy Idol . . .
anathema at March 11, 2009 11:12 AM
Yikes! A man spearing wildebeest while wearing a gourd is a scary visual as someone's soul mate. Think I'll pass on the soul mate thing.
The hag at March 11, 2009 5:46 PM
I'll be charitable and assume that the LW is sincere, and not just commenting on how much greener the grass on the other side appears to be. Therefore:
LW, I have a theory that everyone is entitled to one really huge mistake in their lives. (BTW, I used mine up when I was 14... and no, a woman wasn't involved...) So this is yours. It's time for you to forgive yourself and get on with your life. That may or may not involve your current mate; I suspect it doesn't. If this is true, don't hang on to him just because of sunk cost. That's beside the point now. You have to get comfortable in your own skin before you can really be of any good to anyone else.
Cousin Dave at March 12, 2009 12:10 PM
About 10 or 11 years ago, I had a tragic love affair with a married man that ended horribly - the guy dumped me, and then continued to let his estranged wife bleed him dry from her condo in Colorado while he lived in a shithole apartment in Massachusetts. I was really in bad shape for a few months, eventually moving across the country and setting that heartache behind me. We had no contact, and I wrote him off completely.
Suddenly about 3 months ago, I get an email from him out of the blue! He'd looked me up online. His email was an apology for being a jerk, saying I was a class act and he was a buffoon, etc. Cynically, I thought to myself that talk was cheap.
We ended up meeting and catching up, and you know what? He's in EXACTLY the same stuck place that he was 10 years ago. He started telling me how he'd had all these internal dialogues where he was begging me for forgiveness.
I was really biting my tongue and didn't say a tenth of the things that bubbled up in my irate brain. I may have suggested to him that the proper person to make that confession to would be a shrink. I also told him that if he was really ready to start dating again, after 10 years of self-flagellation, that he should finalize his divorce first. I mean, how passive is that?
I'm so glad we didn't end up permanently together.
Old flames are sometimes just that. Old.
vi at March 12, 2009 8:01 PM
The LW's fixation seems a little extreme, and I can appreciate that Amy advises against her contacting the man. But generally I think that it's a good idea to get in touch with old flames that you find yourself pining for - to avoid romanticizing them.
When I was approaching my mid thirties, I'd found myself in a rut. I just wasn't meeting any women that interested me, and didn't perceive that I was likely to. Eventually I started thinking about a girl that I'd dated in my twenties who possessed a lot of the qualities that I was hoping to find in a woman.
So I looked her up.
Well she wasn't anything like I'd remembered. I wasn't at all attracted to her any longer. It wasn't anything in particular, she just didn't seem to have the spark that she used to.
And while I still haven't had much luck meeting someone, at least I'm not under the illusion that I'd missed out on something.
Maurice at March 12, 2009 11:39 PM
Marice, the difference is that you were willing to use your eyes and see your old flame as she is now, rather than how you remembered her. I'm not sure the LW would be willing or able to do that.
Cousin Dave at March 13, 2009 6:38 AM
This is really selfish, stringing some other guy along dishonestly that you secretly wish you weren't with for 14 years of his life. Either grow and up commit to reality with him and make your real life as fantastic as it can be, or let him go and stop wasting his time, let him find someone who doesn't pine away teenage-style at a silly fantasy. His life is short too.
DavidJ at March 13, 2009 9:44 AM
I think getting mentally stuck on old flames can be like a kind of OCD. If so, it could, I presume, be treated with the same types of drugs that work for OCD.
DavidJ at March 13, 2009 9:47 AM
"it's never somebody thousands of miles away who's running around spearing wildebeests while wearing underwear made out of a gourd."
I keep telling people the gourd is simply more comfortable than boxers.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at March 13, 2009 11:03 AM
Old flames can also flame up again. I have a friend who got divorced and met up with her teenage old flame who was also divorced. They're together now and very happy. (The wedding was a terrific affair - his friends came over from Massachusetts to my little Scottish village, hired kilts and we had a wild ceilidh. It says a lot about a man if his friends will do that for his wedding.)
But I think that's an exceptional case. And you can't go through life engineering a divorce or waiting for you partner to die so you can be free to follow your dream.
Norman at March 13, 2009 12:23 PM
I suspect that some of these people who pine away for their old flames aren't really pining away for something else without realizing it. LW broke up with her high school sweetheart when she was 23, more than 14 years ago. That makes her at least 37 years old now. Maybe what she's really missing is her lost youth, and the time she felt she wasted.
Unfortunately, continued attachment to her past will only waste more of her time, and her current boyfriend's time. I don't know how to tell her to leave it behind, except to say that the future offers a lot more possibilities than the past does.
Norman -- what's a ceilidh?
old rpm daddy at March 16, 2009 10:39 AM
A ceilidh (pronounced kaylee) is a party with live music for Scottish country dancing, with food and drink. No doubt there are variations on that theme, but that's what we do round here. My daughter and a friend arranged one for their 21st birthdays a few weeks ago. There were about 150 guests. It's a grand night out so people dress up to it - women wear their best dresses, or tartan skirts, and the men mostly wear kilts. Despite the rather formal dress, the event is decidedly informal. They can be rather wild. The dances are things like the Gay Gordons, Eightsome Reel, Flying Scotsman, Canadian Barn Dance, Strip the Willow, Dashing White Sergeant. Often the band will introduce some dance no-one knows and talk you through it. In Scotland, we used to learn these dances at school (with girls - ugh!) so everyone knows them in later life. A few years ago my now late wife and I organised a "Grand Family Ceilidh" for our friends worldwide - some came from Australia. It was "verra guid" as Willie the groundsman might say.
Norman at March 16, 2009 12:43 PM
Norman, that sounds like great fun! I remember them trying to teach us square dancing back in grade school in Ohio. I remember not liking it much (I thought we could have spent our time better on dodgeball), but I guess some people are into it. I don't know if there's anything out here that compares to a ceilidh, though.
old rpm daddy at March 16, 2009 1:10 PM
I don't know if there's anything out here that compares to a ceilidh, though.
Contra dance (common in New England and mostly done in long lines) is fairly similar.
The Other Lily at March 17, 2009 11:57 AM
I sympathize with the LW but agree with Amy. Don't write him! Little good will come from it. If you truly loved him, you wouldn't place his current family in jeopardy so that you could gain closure for yourself. Leave your guy of 14 years. You'll end up marrying him and later regret it. Take time to sort yourself out; figure out with the 30-something you really needs and wants in an adult partnership.
Old flames who incidentially reignite later in life have a very high success rate in marriage. Apparently, those pairings are amongst the happiest. The key though, is that they've reignited incidentally. There's rarely a happy ending when the reignition is the result of a homewrecking affair.
soulsyndication at August 2, 2010 9:39 PM
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