My boyfriend wants to marry me. I love him, but settling down with one person seriously concerns me. The only times I ever feel like getting married are fleeting moments when I feel insecure. I love serial monogamy. I'm 36, and have enjoyed these consistently fulfilling two-year relationships since high school. It is so exciting. If the person just puts their hand on my knee, I almost die of ecstasy! I relish every moment, everything they say and do, their every quirk and nuance. Developing these relationships into solid, communicative, balanced partnerships is rewarding, but after about two years, while I love the person and know them so well...well, I know them so well! The sparks have faded. Still, how long can I keep this up? Should I settle down? I don't want kids, so don't factor that in.
--Unsettled
There comes a time in a girl's life when she's looking for that special dozen.
If only you could see how miserable serial dating is making you. Just reread your words: "It is so exciting! ...I almost die of ecstasy." (Almost dying of ecstasy is so overrated.) Surely, you'd be happier if only you'd get the white dress and get with the program: "We're gathered here today to join two people, one of whom is scared out of her pantyhose that she'll end up an old cougar preying on recent college graduates in a bar."
You'll be a hard woman to propose to, considering you're only tempted to get fitted for the old ball and chain during "fleeting moments" when you feel insecure. What's the guy supposed to do, wait till he notices you gnawing your cuticles, and really quick, drop down on one knee? And what then? While many couples these days do write their own vows, "till dull do us part" probably isn't going to fly. Yet, this seems to be what works for you, not because you're a commitment-phobe, but because you're a commitment realist. That's why you walk the walk (right out the door when it gets boring), unlike those who only talk the talk: "If you love something, set it free..." but if you really love something, make sure it gets bogged down with a bunch of legal hassles if it ever tries to leave.
The path you're taking isn't without risks. As helpful marriage-minded types have surely informed you, you could die alone and be eaten by your cat. Of course, if you marry, you could still die alone and be eaten by your cat. Even worse, you could die alone while you're still very much alive and married. And yes, some women have an increasingly hard time finding dates as they get older. This doesn't mean all women will. Because men value youth and beauty, you need to stay in shape and take care of your skin. (Forget the $300 ampules of hydrogenated sheep urine; just be sure your sunblock protects, not only against UVB, but the UVA rays that make skin look like Sacagawea's moccasin.)
Your attitude, of course, is a strong selling point: A guy can keep the ring, his genetic material, and the granite countertops; you'll stick around as long as the fun outweighs the unfun. At some point, chasing newness may start getting old. That would be your cue to seek a more predictable form of novelty -- like marveling at how the same old man always manages to keep it fresh: every night, coming up with hours of new and irritating throat-clearing noises. "Honey, is that you?" you call from the kitchen, "Or has a wounded brontosaurus slipped into the living room?"
May 20, 2009I got involved with a guy I met on vacation. We live on opposite coasts but have taken trips together, and I developed feelings for him. He invited me to stay with him for a week, so I booked a flight and took time off. Two months before my visit, he started acting distant. He eventually e-mailed that I'd have to reschedule because a family member booked a flight to visit that same week, and hey, they're family. I was disappointed, but understood. He added that he needed me to know he'd recently begun dating someone. I was crushed, but being realistic, understood. I expressed concern that his new girlfriend might be bothered by me staying with him, but he said he wouldn't tell her the extent of our history, and dismissed concerns over the awkwardness of hanging out with her with "Why would there be awkwardness?" He thinks I should just come and have a blast in a great city I've never visited. Should I? Should I expect him to pay the $150 rebooking fee? (He hasn't offered.) Or, does this all sound totally lame?
--Holding Pattern
Does this all sound totally lame? Well, yes, but not as lame as it would if you "understood" his telling you he had to reschedule because a giant lizard picked up his apartment building and ate it.
The way he puts it, if his girlfriend pops by, she might have a question or two; oh, perhaps something along the lines of "So...who's this woman in bed with you?" But, no biggie. He'll reassure her with "I'm a little shaky on our history, but I believe we once had some really hot sex on a train." Regarding his conveniently inconvenient family visitor, it's possible a relative booked a flight without consulting their host, but combined with all the rest, I'd put money on this being an escape tactic reminiscent of one I used on a creepus on the street in New York. Creepus: "Which way are you going?" Me: "Which way are you going?" Creepus: "That way." Me: "I'm going the other way."
Girlfriends happen. When they do, the girlfriend's boyfriend -- who invited you to fly on over, your dime, when his girlfriend cupboard was bare -- has an obligation to set things straight, verbally, and by picking up that $150 rebooking fee. The obligation on your end is to look reality in the face and call it for what it is -- which should have you writing this off as "We'll always have whale watching" or "...that garden tour of Topeka."
Instead, you act like you learned Pompeii has been covered by molten lava and 23 feet of ash, but never mind that, could they please reserve you two adjoining lounge chairs on the southeast corner of the pool? Reality is inflexible, and denying it doesn't change that; in time, it just turns the clue stick you're being hit with into the clue old-growth tree trunk. Your denial is probably a symptom of the real problem -- probably desperation to have a relationship -- leading you to show the guy there's no amount of backwards that's too far for you to bend over to accommodate him. To make that $150 money well wasted, stay home and "develop feelings" for yourself; namely, dignity and self-respect, which set the tone for how other people treat you. You might not score love right away, but at least you won't end up flying 3,000 miles to experience humiliation with spectacular new views.
May 12, 2009Last year, I fell for this guy, "John." We hung out and flirted via e-mail, but he never asked me out. This fall, after he left on a month-long trip, I started dating "Mike," later discovering he's one of John's best friends. Things with Mike started getting rocky. John then surprised me by e-mailing that he'd heard about Mike and me and was a bit hurt and jealous. At Christmas break, Mike left town and John returned. John and I planned to get together, but John lives with a friend of Mike's so I had to sneak in through his window. I soon realized I had to break up with Mike. Mike was devastated, and it didn't help that I couldn't tell him why. John and I kept meeting secretly, but the guilt was getting to him, so we called it quits. Now, I'm torn. Do I settle and give Mike what he wants (me), or wait and try again with John? Or, is it worth it to think of either of them?
--Hopeless Romantic
The course of true something-or-other never did run smooth. Two people -- one of whom is really kind of apathetic about the other -- torn apart by fate, or whatever you call it when you rip a perfectly good pair of panties sneaking through your boyfriend's best friend's window.
An actual "hopeless romantic" is somebody in love with love. You just seem confused: Paper or Mike? John or plastic? Cheeseburger or big steaming plate of raw sewage? "Or, is it worth it to think of either of them?" Now, I'm all for people asking me for advice -- especially because I'm fond of eating and my landlord likes me better if I pay my rent -- but you have to come in with a bit more of a base: I'm this kind of person, and here's what I care about, and here's how the two guys I'm considering stack up. Probably because you lack self-knowledge and values, you're seriously considering settling for a guy. Yeah, there's a romance right out of "Romeo and Juliet": "He's here, he wants me, whatever."
Spanish philosopher Fernando Savater said one of the greatest mistakes you can make in life is being a "moral imbecile" -- somebody who doesn't bother figuring out who they are and what matters to them, and instead relies on other people to tell them what to do. When nobody's around to ask, a person like this can end up doing some really dumb things -- say, climbing in a guy's window on the first date. Ever hear of bars, restaurants, coffee shops? Many people who date use them as meeting places -- especially if they're women looking for more than a hookup, because guys tend to use and lose women who sleep with them on (or especially, before) the first date. In the future, when a guy you're seriously interested in is picking you up, see that he does it in a car, not by grabbing you by the arms and yanking you over the sill.
Of course, until you find it completely nuts to be with a guy simply because he wants to be with you, you're the only person you should be dating. (Maybe grope yourself at the door for old time's sake.) As you get to know yourself better, you'll get a better idea of what kind of guy is right for you. In practice, deciding who to get involved with should work like Santa -- the "making a list and checking it twice" thing, not hauling off to the mall and plopping yourself down in some fat guy's lap.
May 5, 2009I've been engaged to a girl for two years. For about two weeks, she's been texting a sales guy she met through work, and the text messages are in the hundreds per day. I found out from our cell phone bill, then snooped on her phone. Last night when we were out, I read one when she went to the bathroom. It said "Want 2 go out of town w/me?" I didn't see her response because I spotted her coming back and quickly returned her phone to her side of the table. She hasn't been neglecting me lately; if anything, she's been a little more loving. So, am I wrong for being suspicious? If not, how do I approach this without being a jerk in case nothing's going on?
--Unsettled
There are days when a guy needs to text a girl 15 or 20 times an hour -- typically because he's her gay best friend and it would mean so much to him to have her there the first time he gets his eyebrows string-plucked.
But, hundreds of messages a day? Assuming she works an eight-hour day, if she sends 200 texts during her work day, that's 25 per hour, which means she's texting the guy every 2.4 minutes. So, while there's some tiny, electron-microscopic chance she isn't cheating on you or about to, it's clear she's screwing her boss bigtime. And, come on, you're a straight guy. Is there a girl in the world you have that much to say to -- unless you're scheming her into bed? And then, while I can't get behind snooping, when you did snoop, the one message you saw was "Want 2 go out of town w/me?" Whaddya wanna bet his follow-up wasn't "Oh, N where R my manners? B sure 2 invite ur fiance!"?
A girl who's serious enough about a guy to be engaged to him will make it clear to other guys that she's off-limits; usually by starting sentences with "My boyfriend and I," and long before some sales dude starts sending her sonnets about her breasts with all the vowels missing. Beyond that, being in a relationship with somebody, especially when you're on the verge of making it a lifelong deal, means you put them first. Sure, you have friends of your own and stuff you do without your partner, but if you're committing to one man, there's something a little off if, during sex, you're tempted to excuse yourself to the bathroom to see if you have any text messages from another.
Now, maybe this is just a last-ditch oats-sewing before she becomes Mrs. Cleaver II, or maybe she has cold feet and is too big a jerk to do the decent thing and call a time out. Then again, maybe she just wants what she wants when she wants it. If you start by accusing her of cheating, she's likely to deny it. Take a less confrontational approach -- over a week or two, so you both have time to think -- and discuss whether the two of you are really ready to get married, how you'll both stay monogamous, and, oh yeah, does she have any idea whose number that is on pages one through 326 of the cell phone bill?