My boyfriend of eight months is 38, with two kids. I'm 27 and divorced. He has unofficially moved into my apartment, but he isn't pulling his weight. He pays $500 a month in child support and $400 for his apartment -- that he doesn't live in. (All of his utilities were shut off for nonpayment.) I understand that he doesn't have money to throw around, and help him financially whenever he needs it. He's always grateful, but I'm feeling resentful because he's very irresponsible in his spending (he lacks self-control). I could've amassed an emergency fund or bought the motorcycle I promised myself after my divorce. Now, that's been put off. He threw me a few bucks for expenses when I asked, but only twice. I told him he has until August 1 to ditch his apartment so he'll have some money. He does say he loves me every day, tells me I'm beautiful, and says I make him happier than he's ever been. I'm at a loss. How do I kindly tell him to pull it together?
--Tapped Out
You dreamed of the wind on your face and the sun at your back as you're speeding down the open road on a new Harley. You settled for a Hog parked in your living room, mowing through your groceries and mining the couch crevices for spare change.
Not surprisingly, the guy isn't saying, "Gimme all your money, and make sure there's no dye pack in there." He tells you he loves you, how happy you make him, how beautiful you are. (He finds you especially beautiful as you're writing the check to pay his electric bill.) It would be one thing if he'd fallen on hard times, but he's impulsive and fiscally irresponsible. As unromantic as it is to care about money, what's even more unromantic is fighting bitterly about it, which is what you'll be doing, and in close quarters, if Mr. Moochypants gives up his place and moves in for good. And, no, the problem isn't how to "kindly" tell him to get it together; this is a character issue. This is who he is -- a 38-year-old man who can't live within his means, but has no qualms about living within yours.
You don't have to find a rich guy with a bum ticker, just a nice, stable guy who brings more to the party than a variety of flattering remarks about your hair. After all, you pull your weight. Don't you think you deserve a man who does the same? Also, because women evolved to seek providers, men co-evolved to become somebody and acquire resources, probably as a way of getting chicks. A guy might tell you he has no problem being supported by you, but he's sure to devalue you for it -- his genes make him do it. (Sadly, they have yet to enroll in "Intro to Women's Studies.")
You might care about your boyfriend, but your willingness to stay with an unrepentant sponge suggests you don't expect much for yourself. Good news! You can change that. Work on becoming a person who has a strong sense of self-worth -- strong enough to set standards for who she lets into her life. You're sure to pick a different sort of guy once it's you who's looking for a boyfriend, not your unresolved issues. Should you have a moment of weakness, just remind yourself of all the things you have to offer a guy -- beyond lights, running water, and a telephone with a dial tone.
A guy I did some juvenile "dating" with back in junior high is stopping by my workplace. The thing is, he doesn't ask me out; he just keeps coming by and hanging around. I'd like this to come to some sort of conclusion so I can stop wondering what his intentions are.
--Perplexed
Loitering is a misdemeanor, not a form of seduction. The guy probably has the hots for you -- accompanied by all the mojo of your stapler or the fake plant on your credenza, both of which have also lingered in your workplace but have failed to ask you out. Of course, you may be part of the problem. The flip side of Today's Wimp is the woman sits there like a paperweight instead of flirting to let a guy know it's safe for him to make a move. Sure, you could ask your fragile petunia out. But, it's a really bad idea. The guy who overcomes his shyness for you isn't likely to take you for granted in a relationship like the wimpy guy you reward by taking over and doing the asking. Assuming you have flirted, the conclusion you should come to is clear: If you want the guy to make himself useful, hand him a time card and a broom.
July 21, 2009I checked my boyfriend's online history (okay, invaded his privacy) and saw he'd been looking up porn all day yesterday and the day before while home with the flu. I freaked! We'd talked about porn before. He said he watched it in his younger days, but didn't anymore, so I was surprised. I confronted him, and he said he'd been bored and curious, but doesn't watch porn regularly. I don't know whether I believe him. I've heard people get addicted to porn. Beyond that, there are the unrealistic images of women. The fact that he initially lied makes me worry he has a problem.
--Smut Patrol
You thought you'd come home, ask what your poor sick bunny did all day, and learn that he was weak and feverish, but not too weak and feverish to spend eight hours straight picking out a ring and poring over all the great wedding gifts on Tiffany's website. Whoops...it seems he was actually on the other Tiffany's site -- watching and rewatching "Tiffany Gives Heidi Her Sponge Bath."
Yeah, right...he only watched porn in his "younger days" -- like last week, when he was approximately five days younger. And then, wouldn't you know it, he got "bored and curious," as in, "Yawn...I wonder what really enormous fake breasts look like." Bored? Sure. Curious? Right. What is he, an 8-year-old who has yet to hack through the parental controls on Mommy's laptop?
Actually, he's a man, with male sexuality, which evolved to be highly visual and variety-driven, probably because the more indiscriminate sex a guy had, the more likely he was to pass on his genes. Because women get pregnant and saddled with the kids, they evolved to be choosy and seek men who show a willingness to commit. Erotica targeted to each sex plays out along these lines, notes evolutionary psychologist Catherine Salmon. While men have nudie porn, women have commitment porn -- the romance novel -- with equally "unrealistic images" of male behavior. Yet, you don't see men picketing the Harlequin rack at the grocery store, complaining that women will expect a dark, imposing prince to ride up on a white horse, pledge his everlasting love (while revealing some seriously ripped abs), and carry them back to his castle.
If you want the truth about porn, ask your boyfriend whether he prefers naughty nurses to other naked professionals. Because male and female sexual psychologies are largely at odds, men hide their porn consumption while women hide their more female-centric pastimes -- like loading their photo and their boyfriend's into morphthing.com to see what the children would look like. Porn, like anything that rings bells in the brain's pleasure center, can be addictive, but suspecting the guy's addicted merely because he watches it is like suspecting he's addicted to food because he ate a double cheeseburger.
Okay, so he watched porn for two days straight while home with the flu. If he's always out with "the flu," yet his only symptoms are a really bad case of carpal tunnel and being too weak to have sex with you, that's when you start worrying. Regardless, you don't get to paw through his Internet history. Figure out whether you're getting your needs met, and if you aren't, tell him, and see whether he'll do something to change that. Remember, there are men who never look at porn. You'll find them where all the rapists are rich and handsome and where nobody ever gets knocked up by the bus driver; in other words, wherever books like Harlequin's "Billionaire Prince, Pregnant Mistress" and "Pregnant with the Billionaire's Baby" are sold.
July 15, 2009What's a boy to do? After a long relationship, I'm back on the market, but having trouble because of tattoos. When I see one on a girl, I think "Skank!" (I don't really believe that of every tattooed girl, but my mind leaps there for a second.) Even hidden ones that aren't noticed early in the relationship put me off. I guess I just think getting a tattoo says something about you at a core level. Something about your personality. What it says, I'm not sure. But, it's probably something along the lines of "Deep down, you and I are not very compatible."
--Ink Stinks
There you are, trying to appreciate the nude female form, when you discover Winnie the Pooh beat you to her cleavage, and there's Tigger, too, climbing out of her underpants.
Jack London once said, "Show me a man with a tattoo and I'll show you a man with an interesting past." These days, it's "Show me a girl with a tattoo and I'll show you a bored teen with saved-up babysitting money." The stats on tats bear out your experience that uninked flesh is getting harder and harder to find. Thirty-six percent of 18 to 25-year-olds and 40 percent of those 26 to 40 have at least one tattoo, according to a 2006 Pew survey. Soon, the only way for a hard-bitten bikerdude to stand out from the carpooling suburban mommies will be to cover up his tats with a Brooks Brothers cardigan, Top-Siders, and a button that says "Kiss me, I'm a Republican."
Tattoos have been part of cultures throughout history, but in the 19th century Western world, before there were electronic tattooing machines, it was royalty and the aristocracy who had them, says Vince Hemingson, documentary filmmaker and human tattoocyclopedia. Winston Churchill's mother was said to have a tattoo of a snake around her wrist. And, Hemingson added, after the dinner parties of "the absolute creme of (English) society," the men repaired to the drawing room for brandy and cigars, and it was "quite common" for them to strip down and show off their tats (a scene they never get around to showing on "Masterpiece Theatre").
While Hemingson believes men typically get inked to impress chicks, memorialize dead friends, or to build bonds in high-risk jobs (police, firefighters, and the military), he says women often get tattoos to mark emotional milestones. As for what a tat says about a woman, well, it might depend on where she has it. Research by Melanie L. Bromley, a grad student in psychology, suggests women with a "tramp stamp" -- a tat on their hip or butt -- are more likely to have a one-night stand. No, that doesn't mean all will. But, the tendency seems to be recognized by men. As Vince Vaughn's character said in "Wedding Crashers," "Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bull's-eye."
Some guys draw the line at smoking, alcoholism, or psychosis. For you, it's the dragonfly on the shoulder blade. This isn't wrong or right -- it's just how you feel. If you're unwilling to compromise, and willing to accept the consequences -- fewer options for you -- so be it. But, consider that all girls come with some fine print. And sometimes, a really great girl will come with some not-so-fine print; perhaps some profound statement capturing the very essence of who she is -- or that would've -- if the Chinese characters up her arm didn't actually read "Confucius has a big one."
July 7, 2009Can you help a nice guy become a bad boy? Being nice is a curse, and not just with women. I do volunteer work, and always hear stuff like "You're the only one we can trust, so stay and guard the door while we're at a party with people we don't trust. Clean up for us, too, because we won't want to when we return tired and drunk." I know a cooperative spirit can be mistaken for weakness, but I feel like Cinderfella. Still, I don't want to stop being the guy my ex called "the brick" (because I'm always propping somebody or something up). I just want people to think I'm bad so they won't try to get away with so much. When I've tried acting like a bad boy, I'm told I come off angry or antisocial. Maybe I should start smoking or get a motorcycle...maybe a tattoo?
--55 Years Of Too Nice
Sure, all you need to change everybody's opinion of you is a smoking habit and big scary tattoo -- and since you're always mopping up after people, perhaps a skull crossed with a couple of Swiffers?
You call yourself a nice guy, but you're really a "nice guy," an approval-seeking, conflict-avoiding suckup. In "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" Dr. Robert Glover clarifies the difference. The "nice guy" might seem generous, but he actually isn't; he gives to get. He thinks he just has to hide how flawed he is and become what others want him to be, and he'll be loved, get his needs met, and have a problem-free life. This is unlikely to happen, as he's passive-aggressive, chronically dishonest, and brimming with "toxic shame." Thanks to a lifetime repressing his feelings and denying his needs, he's filled with rage, especially at women. Women, on the other hand, do love this guy -- to wash and wax their cars while they're on dates with guys they are sleeping with. And whaddya know, all it takes is calling him "the brick" instead of "a tool."
Yes, the bad boy does have allure. He's masculinity on steroids: arrogantly confident, aggressive in bed and out, unpredictable and untamed. He's fast cars, alcohol, tobacco, and firearms. And he's sometimes in jail for using the latter to hold up the 7-Eleven. Many women are drawn to him, but those who have it the least bit together hold out for a guy they can get conjugal with without first being cavity-searched by the guards.
You're right to want to change, but the answer isn't trading in your wallet for one you chain to your pants and slouching in a doorway with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth. People will warm to the real you or they won't, but they're unlikely to be fooled by the fake you, "nice" or "bad." After 55 years of people-pleasing, don't be surprised if you need to mount an archeological dig to figure out who you really are -- what you like, want, need, and actually care about (even stuff that seems not so nice to care about). After you do, work on accepting yourself, faults included. Glover's book should help. Finally, be who you are, and have the guts and the self-respect to expect a thing or two from people -- beyond what time they'll return from the party so you can stop staring at the door.