Can't Get There From Hair
My first wife and I married in our early 20s and broke up several years later. When we were married, she had very short hair, even though I wanted her to grow it long. She was not only adamant about keeping it short; she claimed she couldn't get it past "the awkward stage." Also, she'd always bite her nails, a habit that annoyed me. I've been happily married to my second wife for 10 years, but I can't help but be surprised that my ex, who I've seen a few times in passing, now has hair down to the middle of her back and really nice nails. Please note that I don't want her back; I just want to know why she wouldn't grow her hair and nails when we were together. Should I ask her?
--Wondering
"The awkward stage" is what you enter when you ring up your ex-wife and ask why she was such a nervous, nail-gnawing hag back when you were together.
Sometimes a hairstyle is just a hairstyle and not a coded message: "L'Oreal, because I'm worth it. Short hair and bitten nails? Because you're not." Maybe she was into a particular style, or maybe she thought she looked better with short hair. Of course, it is possible that the apparent foreverness of marriage made her figure you were stuck with her, so why spend all the extra time hot-oiling and blow-drying? You wanted eye candy? Too bad. You get eye broccoli.
Many women don't understand or accept how important the visuals are to men, thanks largely to the toxic feminism that's seeped into regular people's lives. While there are lipstick feminists out there, the prevailing message of the women's studies feministollahs is that male sexuality is criminal or close to it, and women degrade themselves by doing anything to appeal to their "patriarchal oppressors." As a result, women like your ex-wife may feel justified and maybe even virtuous for taking the lazy way out with the soccer mom hair cap and the all-you-can-eat fingernails.
Sure, Natalie Portman can shave her head and have even more men drooling after her. Of course, it's the rare man who'd throw her out of bed if she slipped in with a big rotten ham hock balanced on her skull. Men, across cultures, seem hard-wired to prefer long hair -- probably because it signals youth, health, and fertility. In a Hungarian study, women's faces that were rated as less attractive by men were judged much more attractive when the researchers stuck long hairstyles on the photos. Darwin noted the preference for long hair in the West African population (along with the earliest reported use of hair extensions), and in Survival of the Prettiest, psychologist Nancy Etcoff points to all the classic paintings of women with long, flowing tresses. Yes, it seems there's good reason you don't see Venus on the half shell with a really butch haircut.
If you truly are 10 years into a happy marriage, you might just accept that while hair and nails do not continue growing after death, they often grow like crazy after a divorce. Sure, Socrates did say the unexamined life is not worth living. Unfortunately, he was forced to off himself before he could add that the overly examined ex-wife is a great way to discover, for the second time, that women often change their hair after a breakup.
You know, there may be another explanation, but the LW won't like it much. The woman may have wanted out of the relationship, at least on an unconscious level. Years ago, I knew a chick who put on 20 pounds when she was starting to get sick of a relationship (she was a crappy breaker-upper). She dropped the weight like magic when she was out of the relationship and looking to get a new man. I think it was her way of trying to get the guy to dump her so she wouldn't have to do the dirty work. I saw her do it twice, so I don't think it was a coincidence.
Anyway, for Pete's sake, LW -- if you've been happily married to another woman for 10 years, why the hell do you care how your ex is wearing her hair?
Gail at August 4, 2009 8:50 PM
Amy--FYI, this same letter/situation (man annoyed by ex-wife growing her hair long, seeing her much after they parted) was sent in to Cary Tennis recently (19 June). Perhaps the letter writer is shopping around until they get the advice they want to hear? I don't think it matters if the letter writer wants different perspectives, especially since yours is so refreshingly different from other columnists. In my experience, though, when someone asks someone else and then asks my advice days later, it's because they didn't get told what they wanted to hear from the first person. Usually, what the advice-seeker *wants* to hear is some form of "You're completely in the right in this situation" or "You don't have to change" or "Your desires/goals take precedence over everything else" (others' needs and wishes, etc.)).
Here's the link:
http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2009/06/19/grew_her_hair_long/
a reader at August 4, 2009 10:38 PM
Jeez, Tennis is beyond tedious. He can't even edit the letter to make it interesting.I don't understand how these other columnists (and I don't hate them all - I like Savage, I like Margo Howard) manage to keep their jobs while being so goddamn dull.
Thanks so much for that link. It's so interesting to see what somebody else made out of that question.
P.S. I would be mortified beyond belief if I'd published this sentence with my byline:
It's utterly amazing to me what some people have the stomach for.
Amy Alkon at August 4, 2009 11:16 PM
I think the hair and the nails are separate issues. The LW forgets that it's her hair and she can have it any way she wants. You can tell her what you prefer, but the choice is hers, not yours. It's possible his ex, after their breakup, went into bunker-mode and withdrew from everything and everyone and didn't even want to leave the house for a haircut, and then found she liked the look. It's easy to get through the awkward hair months if you are depressed and can't even get out of bed.
It sounds like the LW wouldn't have been any happier if she clipped her nails to the same length, instead of corncobbing (not the Urban Dictionary definition here) 'em. Same old story -- it's what he wants that counts. I'll bet the book she'd write would be, "He Made Me a Nail-Biter."
I don't care what length hair a woman has. I'd also bet the long-haired models in the paintings and the long-hair-lust in many cultures are rooted in the aristocracy having the slaves to take care of their hair. Where is the brush-bitch? I'll bet the brush-bitch had a butch.
Watch "The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc" and tell me that Milla Jovovich isn't hotter with short hair.
Jay J. Hector at August 5, 2009 2:45 AM
You wanted eye candy? Too bad. You get eye broccoli.
That might be the funniest thing I have ever read.
nobody at August 5, 2009 5:00 AM
I don't understand the problem with what Tennis wrote, to be honest. I thought what he said seemed reasonable and made sense.
Regarding Milla Jovovich in The Messenger, I entirely disagree that she's hotter with short hair.
In this picture: (http://www.glogster.com/media/1/2/74/66/2746661.jpg), I think she's got the shortest 'hot' hair I've seen on her. Much shorter than that - and especially as short as she has it in The Messenger - and she looks somewhat like a man....
Perplexed at August 5, 2009 6:40 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/08/cant-get-there.html#comment-1661205">comment from nobodyYou wanted eye candy? Too bad. You get eye broccoli. That might be the funniest thing I have ever read.
Aw, thanks!
Amy Alkon at August 5, 2009 6:46 AM
I knew I had seen this question before-thanks to the reader for posting it.
Also-Should I ask her?
What? You. Are. Divorced. You've been divorced for a decade. Does it really matter what the answer is? Are you really that desperate to know that you'll pester someone you haven't had a relationship with for ten years for an answer that you most likely won't find satisfactory no matter what it is?
Jay-true about it being her hair, thus she gets final say.
Also true that people who have partners they want to please will probably take their partner's preferences into account when making decisions like this.
The most recent issue of Elle had an article in it by a staff writer who got her hair chopped off (I saw the picture, it wasn't so much that it was short, but that the haircut was effin' unflattering. Like Velma from Scooby Doo, almost.) Her boyfriend had already asked her not to cut it and said he didn't like short hair. After she did it, she wrote about asking him whether he'd really meant it about not liking short hair.
Well, duh. He already told you, didn't he?
While the majority of men probably prefer long hair, I wouldn't say 100% of them do. Overly long/untrimmed hair just screams 'fundamental Baptist from the South' to me.
My SO has longer hair than I do. But my haircut is not remotely butch, I think it's very feminine. And I've had the same cut for several years now, it's flattering and I can cut it myself. I don't have the type of hair that looks very good long.
I did date a guy briefly who had a 'thing' for redheads (hi Amy!). He nagged and nagged me to dye my hair and would point out any redhead we happened to see while out together. I have black hair, it is really impossible to change the color to anything else without a lot of effort and expense.
I dumped him. I figured it would be easier on us both if he just found a redhead.
I love my SO's long hair. I would be sad if he cut it, and I would miss it. But I would still find him attractive, and after all it's his hair. I'm dating him, not his hair. He knows I like it and would prefer him to keep it, but he also knows that if he feel compelled to whack it off, I'm not going to leave him or anything. He would get more noogies though.
I'm curious as to why this guy liked long hair so much and married someone whose hair was short. Wouldn't it have made sense to find someone who had the characteristics he was attracted to, instead of nagging his wife to change the way she looked? She probably grew her hair out when she no longer has someone pestering her to do so and it was no longer an issue about control.
Sure, you can express a preference about your partner's appearance. And they can choose to disregard it or not, as they prefer.
If you're single, you're probably going to have better luck snagging someone else if you do those things that help make you visually attractive to the opposite (or same, as case may be ) sex. But you don't have to. You also don't have to eat your veggies, floss regularly, or give anything to the Salvation Army Santas. That's the joy of being autonomous.
Aaaand finally...I don't think my (relatively) short hair has cost me anything in terms of male attention. If anything, it makes me stand out even more, because most of the women I see that are roughly my age have the same sorta shoulder-length non-style. Of course, I also have a low BMI, wear makeup and heels every day, and don't wear a wedding ring. That probably also helps.
Choika at August 5, 2009 6:48 AM
Seriously? Why are we getting the lecture about "men are all about visuals" over and over again?
How about "dude - she was in her EARLY 20s. Now she's in her early 30s. Maybe she has the money to have her nails and hair done. Not to mention the fact that she has evolved into a different person over the years"
Karen at August 5, 2009 7:31 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/08/cant-get-there.html#comment-1661219">comment from KarenWhy are we getting the lecture about "men are all about visuals" over and over again?
I'll stop when American women seem to get it, when so many stop telling men "tough" when they stop taking care of themselves, when you see women dressing like they understand that male sexuality is visual. They don't, and men and women are miserable for it. Feminism, as a force to get women the vote and equal pay for the same work, was great. Now, many factions of it are poisonous, and wreck relations between men and women by promoting falsehoods about humans and human behavior.
Next question?
Amy Alkon at August 5, 2009 7:39 AM
I never heard of Margo Howard, yippee, a new advice columnist! I'm an addict... I read Amy, Ask Amy, Cary Tennis, Dear Abby, Dear Prudence, and Dan Savage regularly. And Miss Manners. I like Amy best because of the comments section and her no-nonsense style.
I have long hair, but sadly, my husband likes it best in a bun. I like it down. But a bun is less effort than wearing it down because if its down I have to brush it constantly throughout the day to maintain any semblance of neatness. So its just as well that he is a buns man.
I had variations on a bob for ten years before growing it out. When I was in college I got that then-hip hairstyle where it is very short in the back and long in the front, deeply angled. I started growing it out because I realized I wouldn't have brown hair forever, and if I ever wanted long, natural brown hair now was the time to do it, before I went grey. This was not triggered by break-ups or anything. Just wanting a change.
To get past the awkward stage I did the double ponytail thing... where you take the hair on top of your head and put it in a pony tail, and gather that tail and the rest of your hair and put an elastic around all that. The awkward stage is ugly but fast.
NicoleK at August 5, 2009 7:40 AM
When I was married, I had long hair (still do). My husband wanted me to cut it, but I refused, mainly because by that point I hated him and wouldn't have pissed on him if he were on fire, let alone cut my hair to please him.
MonicaP at August 5, 2009 7:46 AM
I think Amy is absolutely right the men and visuals thing (millenia of evolution can't be wrong).
But I don't think that answer necessarily addresses some of the issues the LW has.
I would want to know why he chose someone who clearly didn't square up to what he wanted. There's a very different dynamic from marrying someone who has characteristics that you find attractive and who then changes them radically, essentially a bait-and-switch, than someone who has an idea of what they want but picks someone who doesn't fulfill it.
Secondly, why is he so invested in getting an answer from her after a decade? Why is this question still festering?
If he wanted long hair and nails, he should have picked someone who had long hair and nails and was invested in maintaining them. He didn't. He married a short-haired nailbiter. Whether or not she changed her habits after their divorce is really moot. After all, their relationship is over now. But my question for him would be why he married a short-haired nailbiter when that clearly wasn't what he wanted.
Choika at August 5, 2009 7:57 AM
I have long hair (almost to my waist). I don't care if BF likes it or not, it's MY hair. I get it highlighted once in a while. Don't care if he likes that either, although he's never complained about either length or highlights. (I'm guessing he likes it.) I'd probably ask him before I do it, if I decide to cut it. Whether or not I do probably won't depend on his answer. On hot days like today, I wear it in a braid. Other days I'll let it loose or put it in a tail. I do get it trimmed every couple of months, just to keep it looking neat. But I was doing that way before BF and I got together anyway. LW seems to have some unresolved issues. I'm curious, how does his current wife wear HER hair?
Flynne at August 5, 2009 8:05 AM
Revenge
FD at August 5, 2009 8:28 AM
Revenge? For what? o.O
Flynne at August 5, 2009 8:43 AM
Choika, it's not clear to me from the letter whether LW's wife was that way when she met, or if it developed after they were married. (Amy, can you offer any insight?) But yes, I completely agree that if you are attracted to a particular characteristic, then it's a bad idea to get into a relationship with someone who doesn't have it. It still mystifies me that people don't just go after what they want (within reason), instead of taking the first thing that comes along -- even though I did that myself once. And I'm still not sure I can explain why I did it. Fortunately, I learned my lesson.
"Secondly, why is he so invested in getting an answer from her after a decade? Why is this question still festering?"
I think that's pretty obvious: he feels that she cut her hair short and chewed her nails as a passive-aggressive way of rejecting him. Which could be true. It could also be that she had an anxiety problem at the time. Or perhaps she just didn't know what looked good on her -- we guys tend to assume that all women always know what makes them attractive, and so if we see a woman who has done something with her clothes or hair or whatever that makes her unattractive, we assume that she's doing it deliberately. However, six seasons of "What Not to Wear" should have taught us otherwise.
Anyway, from the LW's point of view, it's like meeting the girl who dumped you in high school and she's dating an obvious loser. You want to ask her, "What, he rates and I didn't?" It makes you feel so low that you'd have to stand on a ladder just to see over the curb. But if I've learned anything at all about relationships in my years, it's these two things: (1) people don't always behave rationally when it comes to mating, and (2) stuff like this isn't worth worrying about.
So LW, just let it go. Seriously. There are a lot more important things to get anxious about.
Cousin Dave at August 5, 2009 10:59 AM
I stopped biting my nails when I could afford to get the acyrlics. That happened to be after I got divorced. It had nothing to do with my ex-husband and everything to do with the cost of keeping them up. Now that I pay for them to look good I am very careful with them.
As for why she didn't take more care of her appearance before, it could be that she was just unhappy in her marriage or with some other aspect of her life. Sometimes the motivation to put in the extra work to look good just isn't there if you are living in an unhappy situation. Once your situation has improved you find new energy and motivation to go the extra mile. At least that has been my personal experience.
Melissa at August 5, 2009 12:09 PM
"when so many stop telling men "tough" when they stop taking care of themselves"
It's just that..in this case, there is no evidence that she wasn't taking care of herself while they were married. She was just not letting her hair grow long...so the whole "men are visual" line does not seem terribly relevant.
Ya ya - they are visual it's true...but I feel that you are stretching by making this so much a part of your answer. She didn't "let herself go", she wanted short hair. Now 10 years later, she wears it long. I doubt there are many women who have the same hairstyle in their early 30s that they did in their early 20s, so the change is probably more about her making a perfectly natural transition in life rather than "shaping up" after a break up. Your answer to this writer is more about women who don't look after themselves rather than men who are a little too concerned about their ex-wives...and it seems a little off the mark, in this case.
Karen at August 5, 2009 12:43 PM
Um, hello? If you follow the link to Cary Tennis, you'll see that she had short hair while she was raising a young child. It's pretty common to keep your hair short when your kids are little -- their hands are always grubby and reaching for your hair. I got sick of wearing a ponytail or braid all the time -- neither are good looks for me. So short hair actually looked more polished and put-together than pulled-back long hair did.
Leigh at August 5, 2009 1:08 PM
Karen, I agree completely. It was over 10 years ago. Who knows what personal and professional changes she has experienced since then? I really doubt she gave a second thought to her ex when she started to grow her hair and stopped biting her nails. People change, often for the better, as they get older. Don't take it personally that she didn't do it for you. People change when they want to change, not when someone else thinks it is a good idea.
Kelly at August 5, 2009 2:10 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/08/cant-get-there.html#comment-1661342">comment from LeighUm, hello? If you follow the link to Cary Tennis, you'll see that she had short hair while she was raising a young child. It's pretty common to keep your hair short when your kids are little -- their hands are always grubby and reaching for your hair. I got sick of wearing a ponytail or braid all the time
Um, hello? If it really matters to your husband, you deal. If that sort of partnership-think doesn't work for you, well, stay single and on birth control.
And for the lady above who wondered why I "lecture" about how male sexuality is visual, it's because of the response I expect I'll get from Leigh (just guessing!) about how her convenience should come first.
Amy Alkon at August 5, 2009 2:12 PM
I can't quite put my finger on why it is, but this LW really irritates me. I think it has something to do with him being petty, the way he is still obsessing over that poor woman's hair and fingernails after more than ten years. For chrissake, I can almost hear his nagging from here. When he asks, "I just want to know why she wouldn't grow her hair and nails when we were together," I way to say, "Maybe she got tired of you badgering her about it, you whiny, petulant little control freak."
And I don't even think there is anything wrong with men preferring long nails and long hair.
Pirate Jo at August 5, 2009 2:38 PM
There are a lot of things that 'really matter' to me about my partner-is he honest? Does he have integrity? Is he treating me well? I rate these a little higher than whether he keeps his long hair, even though I like it.
If the hair is the biggest sticking point in the relationship, that's either a sign that you're incredibly lucky, or that you're being a huge bonehead.
I don't think the LW needs a lecture about male sexuality being keyed to visuals. Clearly, he already knows it.
If something really matters to a partner, if you're invested in the relationship, then yes, you will deal. If you decide not to, you are obviously not placing a high value on what really matters to them.
But (again), if you choose someone who doesn't conform to what you wanted, and then try to badger them into changing, you're setting them-and you-up for failure and resentment. Perhaps that observation may have been more salient in getting the LW to think about why this has bothered him for so long.
Choika at August 5, 2009 4:02 PM
Oh, and Tennis' advice? So horribly written as to seem almost intentional. Admire her long beautiful hair?
Really, Tennis? How about, try leaving the woman you've been separated from for ten years alone.
Choika at August 5, 2009 4:04 PM
Gotta wonder, is the issue with the LW the fact that he wonders what has made his ex change her mind so thoroughly when she was a rock when they where married? Some mentioned revenge earlier in this thread and maybe they aren't wrong.
I have heard of exes doing things such as this as small way of avenging themselves.
Amax at August 5, 2009 4:08 PM
Y'know, for all we know, the short hair looked really hot on her and the long hair represents letting herself go. Just saying.
Shannon at August 5, 2009 5:30 PM
Oh, you know the ex slaps on the long hair wig and Lee Press-ons as soon as the GPS tracking device she secretly implanted on him alerts her to his proximity. She does this just to spite him and she's praying for LW to say something to her because she knows he still obsesses over it ten years later.
Katwalker at August 5, 2009 6:56 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/08/cant-get-there.html#comment-1661393">comment from ChoikaAdmire her long beautiful hair? Really, Tennis? How about, try leaving the woman you've been separated from for ten years alone
Exactly.
Amy Alkon at August 5, 2009 8:49 PM
Ok, I've got to be honest. I actually find this one a bit weird and I find your advice a bit weird as well Amy.
I actually agree with the bulk of your response - men are visual and many like long hair and if it was about anything else - weight gain, clothes style etc, I'd be like DAMN RIGHT.
But nail biting and hairstyle? Aren't they the kind of things that many women only begin to get right after a certain age anyway? I mean I had lots of hairstyles which in retrospect looked terrible on me (I'm only 24 now and I'm sure will look horrid when I look back) and I've only just started to take care of my nails. I know plenty of people who have grown out of nail biting and are sort of moving from that young student look to that professional look and that often involves paying more attention to those small things which make you look more sophisticated. Most women I know look best in their 30s and 40s anyway.
What I mean is that I wasn't not doing all these things as some sort of feminist fuck you, it was that generally it can take a while to develop your look and style.
I've got to say - now I am working and have more money my hair now grows much longer because of my excellent hair care regime. It's taken years with hair dressers, regimes and products to find the right one that maintains my hair well. My hair was damaged during my teen years through over processing but now it's in really good condition. Isn't that possible either?
I also have to ask: if the LW married someone with short hair, does the woman still have an obligation to grow it? I mean my hair is a chin length bob. If I date someone who is happy with it but then later on says he wants it long, must I then grow it to the length he prefers or I'm a feminist harpy? It just seems like if he was so particular he should have been upfront. If she cut it without warning, I can understand. Or she gained 50 pounds or she took to wearing sweats day in day out but if she had the same hair she married with and he didn't like it, why did her marry her?
poplolly at August 6, 2009 8:01 AM
Poplolly-
My sentiments exactly.
I used to keep my nails very short because I was working as a baker, and scraping raw dough out from under your nails is gross, and unsanitary. Putting my hands in hot water several times a day meant that my nails were really soft, and if they got long they would snag everything.
Nor did I wear makeup to work, it would all melt off in the kitchen anyway, and only the bakestaff were seeing me, so what did it matter?
I still wore makeup and made an effort with clothes when I went anywhere outside of work.
Now I work in an office, and can have long nails (I do) and wear clothes that I won't have to worry about staining with chocolate or getting egg white on.
Having long nails and a young child (as a commenter pointed out, the LW's ex wife would have had a young kid at the same time she had short hair and nails) doesn't work very well. It's very easy to accidentally scratch or cut the baby when you're trying to change them or wrestle them in and out of car seats (and I'm not just talking out of my ass here, I let my nails go a little too long and accidentally cut my neighbor's kid while I was trying to get her unbuckled from her car seat. She cried, I felt horrible.).
Changing diapers with long nails is disgusting. Having to scrub human shit out from under long nails is also disgusting, and really unsanitary, and having to wash your hands a bazillion times a day because of said diapers also makes it hard to maintain your nails. Babies yank and pull long hair, not to mention often throw up on you. It's easier to scrub vomit out of short hair than butt-length hair. They'll also get strands of long hair wound around a finger or toe, and that can be really dangerous. Wearing jewelry with a baby? Fuhgeddaboudit. I've had earrings painfully ripped out, and they'll get their hand around a necklace and yank.
Choika at August 6, 2009 10:04 AM
Choika, the only specific thing I can dispute from the above is that there's a difference between keeping nails trimmed short, and biting them. Some people are really repulsed by nail-biting. Your point is still valid, that if she had short hair and bit her nails when he met her, then why did he stay with her? But we don't know if that was the case or not.
I will throw in one more thing about the hair: there's good short and bad short. I'd much rather see a woman who has cut her hair short and spiked it, than the typical "mommy haircut". The former can be quite sassy if done right, and if the woman has the right kind of body shape for it. The latter is self-stereotyping.
Cousin Dave at August 6, 2009 10:37 AM
Dave-
Well, sure. I've never been a nailbiter. It's icky and can give you gross infections in your cuticles.
Now that I actually think about nailbiting, I've discovered that it really squicks me out. Ew. It makes me feel sort of the same way when I see guys who don't bother trimming their nails. Yuck.
Sure, there's good short and bad short-I look better in short hair, and have good bone structure (thanks, Asiatic ancestors. I appreciate the cheekbones.)
But, ultimately, people are gonna wear stuff we don't like and do stuff with their hair we don't like, and that's kind of just what it is. If I had control over what people could wear, the inventory of Crocs would have been banished to a remote island somewhere. I may not find someone's hair style attractive, but it's not really any of my business. Just like LW's ex's hair really isn't any of his business anymore.
And really, who could imagine anything more disconcerting than running into your ex 'in passing' (which to me says he's seeing her at the grocery store or whatever, not that they see or talk to each other regularly at all) and having them grill you about why you wouldn't grow your hair long for meeeeeee?
Talk about reinforcing that divorcing them was a good idea.
Choika at August 6, 2009 11:39 AM
As a nail biter, I can say that biting my nails isn't a fuck you to men or an act of letting myself go. My fiance really, really wants me to stop, but it's very difficult to quit a habit that has been a coping mechanism for nearly three decades.
Maybe she just was finally able to quit the habit and it has no reflection on him whatsoever.
MonicaP at August 6, 2009 2:42 PM
NicoleK -
Another one for your list could be Carolyn Hax in the Washington Post. I like her advice even though the commenters to the column are not nearly as fun as the ones around here . . .
Sam at August 6, 2009 4:26 PM
The ex's refusal to grow her hair out and stop biting her nails may have been a sign that she was pulling out of the relationship. But it all happened ten years ago and is now a moot point. The whole thing reminds me of Nathaniel Hawthorne's "Birth Mark." I'm glad feminism happened and we live in a day and age where this woman had the option to escape the relationship and isn't dead.
I can see Amy's point about women who let themselves go after they get married in the name of feminism. That's just passive agressiveness or laziness. One of the other commenters called it bait and switch. But I don't think that's what's going on here. Its fine for guys for being turned on by long hair and nice nails or any other visual triggers. How fortunately we live in a society where men can choose to marry women who already turn them on. But this guy of his own accord chose a "fix-it project." What bothers me is that even after ten years of separation, the LW still thinks his ex-wife has to answer to him about her looks. It shows that if the LW's ex had grown her hair and nails out while they were still married, he would have found other perceived imperfections. Maybe he would have started nagging her to get in better shape or found a mole on her neck that grossed him out. His whole issue is just a cover for control and domination.
I think in happy relationships, the girl does things of her own accord to look more attractive because she enjoys looking nice for her boyfriend/husband and the guy focuses on what he is attracted to about the girl and not in finding things about her to improve.
Lily at August 6, 2009 6:54 PM
Love this column, Amy is always right on and funny. Tennis is tedious hahaha, I agree, had to check out the link, who cares about hair? I love a person, it has nothing to do with how they wear their hair or nails? It's all about who they are as a person, inside, in their minds, and what they are about, I don't care if you are bald or hairy chest etc. or any other "criteria" anybody may have regarding "looks" or visual attractiveness. Just find and be with somebody who you enjoy spending time with... this guy obviously is still stuck on his ex, which is sad, but really? ... dude move one, you have a different life now, let her go?
P.S. Amy, I found your column on a fluke years ago, I am a fan, and always being up in conversation and forward your site
Nikki at August 7, 2009 1:27 AM
THANK GOD that my [military] husband adores the short hair I've had all my life! In fact, he couldn't keep his lustful hands off my bare skull when I went cheerfully bald those three 130-degree summers he was stationed in the High Mojave.
If I could get away with bald -- or nearly so, as so many striking African-American women can and do -- in the corporate world, now that we're back in the big city, I surely would. (And surely would get a lot more sex, too!)
However: I wear makeup every day, my nails are always "done," I LIVE in skirts and spike heels (which brings my everyday height to an athletic 6'3"), and my DD-cleavage has never needed surgical enhancement. I suppose these factors help to counter the the "lady looks like a dude" thing ;-)
Love your column even when I totally disagree with you, Amy, please keep writing!
Spike ~ proud U.S. Navy wife at August 7, 2009 2:40 AM
Carolyn Hax, thanks for the tip... I'm such an addict!
NicoleK at August 7, 2009 10:12 AM
I agree with Amy and Nikki: Tennis is tedious. I read a couple of his columns and swore off. Retirement from teaching English relieved me of the obligation to read crap like that. It is a joy and a blessing to ignore it.
Axman at August 7, 2009 11:20 AM
Obviously this woman wised up to the fact that she wouldn't land anyone if she didn't fem up. You should be grateful, LW, because once she's married she'll get right back in touch with her inner troll.
jon at August 7, 2009 2:12 PM
Tennis IS tedious, but the comments are fun. Also, the LWs usually read the comments, and comment on the comments.
NicoleK at August 7, 2009 4:37 PM
Amy,
I agree 100%. As I aguy I need more than just the visual, of course, but the visual can make a lot of difference.
I have a book character who finds this out, dressing like a lady not like a kid in this case, and I am pretty sure that some of your advice to others was rattling around in my head when I was writing how her friends helped her past that.
Glad you noticed Wondering's other problem, worrying about an ex when he has a new woman. Seems he was worrying more than his letter indicated since he shopped it around to everybody.
John Tagliaferro at August 11, 2009 5:28 AM
Aww. How come there's no link in the blogroll to your columns on Men's News Daily? It's not mentioned in your "All About Amy" section either. Boo Hiss :)
found it, I put the link in my name if anyone's interested in a WHOLE bunch of Amy's (political) columns. It's good stuff!
My fave line so far was from your August 1 column:
"Meanwhile, the oxymorons keep blowing themselves (and us) up for Allah -- told that they'll get the famous 72 virgins (or is it 72 raisins? -- there's some uncertainty about the translation, but never mind, since a reported 80 percent of Muslims are illiterate)."
OMG you're so right, Muslims are stupid. At least the overwhelming majority of them, for sure!
It's great stuff, way better than this man-hater advice column you write.
Down with Obama! Where is the Birth Certificate! No on HealthCare Reform! Feminazi's Go To Hell! - yeah Amy, turns out you are my kind of woman!
bobliction at August 11, 2009 6:59 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/08/cant-get-there.html#comment-1662130">comment from boblictionAww, thanks! And actually, I'm making the 72 virgins/72 raisins dispute the opener to the column I'm writing for this week's deadline.
Amy Alkon at August 11, 2009 7:10 AM
ACK! I have developed a Pavlovian reaction to anything related to Muslim terrorism reminding me of Hamas girl, the one I wrote to you about in May (or June).
Her trying to make contact with me every month since then is not helping, even if her mail does go straight to spam and I do not respond.
John Tagliaferro at August 11, 2009 7:49 AM
Rubbish to all you Tennis-haters. The man can write and he's thoughtful, not spewing the usual snappy cultural mores that come from the fingers of the average advice writer.
Although I love Alkon as well, I think Tennis dipped deeper into what is going on here with LW, albeit with less humor.
Lex at August 11, 2009 6:11 PM
"Secondly, why is he so invested in getting an answer from her after a decade? Why is this question still festering?"
Because that's what unanswered questions do, they fester. It's completely normal in humans (except perhaps for sociopathic types). The question has merit; you insist on claiming it should be a non-issue when there are multiple rational reasons why it clearly isn't. And besides, it's a simple little question, of a person who is necessarily still in his life to some degree (and always will be) as they had a child together ... it's hardly asking for the world, as you make out. I'm wondering why you feel the need to repeatedly make such a point of exaggerating how unreasonable you think it is for someone to ask an ex-wife a simple little question.
If it's really such a non-issue, it should be correspondingly easy and meaningless to answer casually --- and if it isn't trivial to answer, then it inherently proves that the question has merit.
DavidJ at August 12, 2009 7:27 PM
For sale cheap: French boyfriend, fan of cunnilingus, tall and blond, big dick.
Obviously, he is planning on dumping me due to my lack of long nails, hourglass figure, hair that hasn't seen a salon in 6 months, and general dishevelment.
I am trying to sell him cheap to you hot babes who value men for their money-making power. He is able to amply feed and house a woman and will be coming into some significant property within the next 30 years.
As an added bonus, he can talk about English and French literature, society, and is currently playing in a Parisian band of some notice.
I am sure that he would prefer a woman who stays in the spa and the shops instead of at work.
Seriously, the materialism and vanity on this board has reached a new height.
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