Lions And Tigers And Beers
My boyfriend goes out drinking with friends into the wee hours. I just ask that he call or text to let me know his plans so I don't lie awake worrying. Sometimes, he'll text "Be home in an hour," but he never is. Or, he'll come home early in the morning and just say "It was guys' night." I'm not afraid he's macking on girls, but that he'll get into trouble or get hurt. How can I deal with this sanely?
--Irate
Finally, a guy you can really count on -- to let you know he's okay when he stumbles through the front door at dawn and you hear the sound of glass breaking in your foyer. Is it unreasonable to want some sign he's still alive? Not at all. Just unreasonable to expect it from him. What if he's dead? Well, you won't get a phone call then, either. Not from him, anyway. Clearly, you pretty much stop existing for the guy until morning, after he sobers up at Taco Bell. Nagging won't change that. Threatening to leave or leaving might, but probably not for long. Either accept that he won't call or get out. As for your notion that he isn't macking on girls when he's out 'til sunup, it is possible that he just can't get enough of his hairy, drunken buddies: "Come on, Josh. We don't have to do anything. We can just lie there and cuddle."
LOL......funny yet delivering the brutal truth. The LW needed to hear the straight truth and you definitely gave it to her.
TW at August 4, 2009 10:56 PM
Thanks -- all about shining a flashlight on reality here in AdviceGoddessland!
Amy Alkon at August 5, 2009 12:12 AM
Do really drunk guys use condoms?
TherHag at August 5, 2009 3:48 AM
Hey, Letterwriter, important question: How old is he? How old are you?
Spartee at August 5, 2009 4:16 AM
It sounds like this is just about every night - presumably Amy knows more. If it is, then there is a really clear message here: he'd rather be with his buddies than his girl. So let him...permanently.
bradley13 at August 5, 2009 5:16 AM
Nah, Bradley, Amy's advice may be way off depending on the guy's age and the gal's.
My thought was if the guy is 21 and doing this once a week, it is perfectly normal behavior and she needs to stop being dramatic over whether he is "in trouble" or "getting hurt" (wring hands, furrow brow). Welcome to dating young men.
If the letterwriter is young too, she might not understand that a good portion of active young men are simply like that. If she does not like that kind of guy, she should break up rather than focus on this. She would be better off dating a guy without an interest in partying.
If she is older than the guy, and the guy is young, well, she really has some decisions to make. Older gals dating frisky young guys thinking the young guys will suddenly morph into mortgage-paying, home-body companions, but with full hairlines and hard abs, are smoking crack.
That all said, if the guy is 35 and doing this, well, that is a horse of a different color. Unless it is a once in while thing, guys acting like that when middle-age arrives are often disasters.
(As an aside, Ms. Alkon, it is entirely possible that the guy is not macking on chicks while out.)
Spartee at August 5, 2009 6:57 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/08/lions-and-tiger.html#comment-1661212">comment from SparteeNah, Bradley, Amy's advice may be way off depending on the guy's age and the gal's.
Wrong. The point, at any age -- if she can't deal with his behavior, which he is clearly not going to change, she should leave.
Whether he is macking on girls or not is for those there to know for sure. But, to say that she knows he isn't, well, does anyone really know anything? It's possible she is, hence my ending.
Amy Alkon at August 5, 2009 7:08 AM
LW, cut your losses and run. Run far, run fast, little rabbit. It won't get any better; if anything, it'll get worse. You can't control his behavior. You CAN control yours. You obviously know something's wrong. Save yourself, honey. He needs a wake-up call, but not from you. If you're "Irate" now, just think how much more Irate you'll be a year from now.
Flynne at August 5, 2009 7:31 AM
How long does she want to be a doormat? This isn't about having nights out with friends while in a relationship. This is about a man who doesn't just go out for a few beers with the guys, but goes out until all hours and refuses to give the courtesy of a phone call to let her know. Maybe he'll grow out of it, but let his next girlfriend worry about that.
Kristen at August 5, 2009 7:43 AM
I think the LW is confused about her role. She's his girlfriend, not his mom. If he isn't treating her like his girlfriend, why is she there? I'm surprised she isn't wiping the puke off his face and changing him into his PJs when he gets home from boozing it up with the guys. I think she should adopt an orphan.
Chrissy at August 5, 2009 8:51 AM
Chrissy, you're right, she needs a pet -- the four-legged kind. They're a lot cheaper to keep, too.
Cousin Dave at August 5, 2009 11:59 AM
WTF? Where is this guy falling down on some obligation to merit scorn here? All I know is (1) he goes out drinking with friends, (2) she has anxiety about his safety, and (3)she expects him to report in, to relieve her anxiety.
(1) is something everyone should able to do. Period. There is no indication that (2) is warranted. And (3), well, are they living together with kids from their relationship, so she needs his presence for parenting assistance? If not, what is up with her expectations? He is out with friends! Welcome to unmarried adulthood. Enjoy.
She should examine why she is lying awake worrying about him. Sounds like he is out having fun with friends, while she is obsessing about what she is doing. She may have dependency issues, while he has friends that party. (I think I know who I want to hang around with out of that couple.)
I am so glad I did not date during the cell phone age, and thus have a girlfriend who expected *text* (!) and cell phone updates regarding my arrival time when I was out with friends.
oh, and imagine a guy writing this letter. "She doesn't come home within the hour as promised in text messages...I lie awake worrying...I'm not thinking she is cheating (cue crazy eyes), but only concerned about her safety...how do I deal with this sanely?"
Um, restraining order...obtained by the other party. Sheesh. Sounds like a message that Charles Manson would cut out of magazine typeface and pasted onto an unsigned page.
Spartee at August 5, 2009 1:27 PM
Spartee, you really don't worry about your loved ones when they are not where you expect them to be, particularly at night, when they are with people who might not be making good decisions? Car accidents happen; muggings go wrong sometimes. There are a lot of bad things that could happen that I can see reason to worry about. If he can't understand that, they really are not right for each other.
Lyssa, Lovely Redhead at August 5, 2009 5:13 PM
" you really don't worry about your loved ones when they are not where you expect them to be, particularly at night, when they are with people who might not be making good decisions? Car accidents happen; muggings go wrong sometimes."
Loved ones? That is a red herring.
The question is should this woman lie awake worrying about a GROWN MAN out with friends who always comes home late when he is out with friends?
Nope. Millions of grown men do that every weekend, and my guess is something over 99.99% get home just fine. Hung over, but just fine. We should avoid worrying about low risk probability stuff we have no control over...unless of course, it is the "no control" thing that is really bothering her.
/arched eyebrow
Spartee at August 6, 2009 7:16 AM
My guess is that the main thing that bothers her about this is not so much the worry, but that she's asked him repeatedly to at least consider her, but he couldn't even be bothered to make such a small effort for somebody who is supposed to be important in his life. It is rather disrespectful toward her.
DavidJ at August 12, 2009 7:01 PM
I think they're each in different relationships, myself. Her, in her head, where she wishes for a dependable s/o who cares about her feelings and wants to be with her. Because she see's him as someone entirely different from who he is, he can't help but fail to meet her expectations.
Him? Doesn't sound like he's exceptionally taken with her if he still prefers the company of his guy friends. I think he's dating her, yeah, but his important relationship is with himself, and what works for him.
Vic at September 4, 2009 12:31 PM
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