This man I "met" on a dating website had issues with my refusing to give him my number. Initially, we had nice rapport via e-mail, despite his failing to pay attention (asking if I'd been married when I'd already mentioned my divorce lawyer). He apologized and gave me his number, hoping to talk and meet. I told him I'd call, but kept getting busy. Several days later, I called but missed him. He again requested my number so he could call me back (he'd already asked several times), and I told him it takes me time to get comfortable enough to share it. He was "disappointed," and said if we were going to talk, it should be "right away," maybe even that day, so he wouldn't be waiting around. I wrote that he hadn't been listening again, as I'd said I work days and can't chat then. I told him to look up Internet dating guidelines, which always advise against dispensing personal contact information until meeting, and said we weren't a good match. He wrote that my actions indicate I'm not open to a relationship. I asked him to stop e-mailing me. He then e-mailed me twice more, speculating about my psychology.
--Tell Me This Isn't Creepy
Some of the logic I hear from Internet daters is seriously puzzling: "I won't give you my number, but I'd be happy to meet you in a darkened canyon, late at night, next to a shallow grave." And, sure enough, at the appointed time and place, they see old HillsideStrangler27 waiting for them, and wonder aloud, "Do you always accessorize with a shovel?"
If you're like many people, you see a serial killer behind every Internet dating profile, but you'll trust a guy you sometimes see at the coffee shop or around the neighborhood. Well, John Wayne Gacy and Jeffrey Dahmer were people's neighbors, too. (Everybody has to live somewhere.) On the Internet or off, you protect yourself by paying attention to any troubling things a guy says or does instead of focusing on who you want him to be. As for what Internet dating guidelines actually say, it's generally that you shouldn't put identifying information in your profile (real name, address, and the best time to rob you). Other precautionary tactics include creating a special e-mail address, vetting people by phone before meeting, and calling from Skype.com or a blocked number -- ideally, when you say you will, so a guy isn't sitting by the phone like the only 16-year-old girl who has yet to be asked to prom.
So, this man had to have the last word, the last word, and the last word. If he keeps e-mailing, yeah, that's a problem. But, what did you expect? You strung him along just long enough to dump him. He actually should've been wary of you from the start, considering how you came on like a mean schoolmarm, reprimanding him for failing to commit to memory every detail you ever e-mailed him. My guess is, he's right -- that the last thing you want is to get close to anybody. If that's the truth, work on changing it -- don't seek a relationship then sabotage any chance of it by making your interactions about as fun as a staged reading of a wireless phone contract. If you continue Internet dating, you should recognize that a guy you meet for drinks actually doesn't need your phone number; he'll just break in through your back window, tie you up, and talk to you for as long as he pleases after he follows you home from the bar.
I'm a 59-year-old married man who really clicks with a new co-worker. We even share the same goofy sense of humor. The problem is, she's 30, single, and attractive. My wife got seriously jealous upon meeting her at a company function. I reassured her we're just friends. She apologized, but still seems jealous. Am I wrong for trying to nurture this friendship? I'd like to invite this woman to our house for dinner, but I'm not sure how my wife would react.
--Congenial
Maybe you want nothing more from her than friendship (or maybe you're just too old and hairy in the wrong places to have anything more). Can't you make do with sharing "the same goofy sense of humor" on lunch breaks? Or, is your actual goal getting your "friendship" out in the open so you'll feel less guilt about nurturing something a little friendlier? You have to know that bringing this chickie home will hurt your wife. I mean, come on. Oh, the great mysteries of our world: Stonehenge, Loch Ness, cold fusion, and how ever will your wife react to "Honey, that pretty woman half your age wants to know what she can bring to dinner. I mean, besides her hot self."
September 23, 2009I always recommend your column; however, I take issue with your slamming "Joe Spokes" for not directly asking out the girl in his bike group. Besides, only a fool would take a woman on a date and pay. It takes discipline, but if I invite a woman out, I ask her in advance to pay her way. This helps me weed women out. If they just want a free meal, they can go to the homeless shelter, and I won't have that terrible feeling of being duped into the meal and movie scam.
--Outsmarting Them
If you're looking to "weed women out," you're on the right track. Sure, it's best to be on your guard against gold-digging users -- to a point. Treating women like scam artists right off the bat -- "I'd love to take you out to buy yourself glass of wine!" -- is right up there with Kmart announcing over the loudspeaker, "Welcome, Kmart shoplifters!"
But, don't just take it from me. I posted your approach on my blog, and nearly 250 comments later, women confirmed that opening with a demand for separate checks is the best way to end up on separate dates. Here are some typical remarks from all the gold diggers: "Gretchen" wrote, "Women should never go on a date unprepared to pay for at least their own food, but to be told in advance is so weird and off-putting I'd probably stare at this douche with a blank expression and walk away." "Cornerdemon" was one of many women who said if money's tight, it would be okay to attend an art opening (free wine!). "Kristin" "always" offers to pay for her meal -- or even the whole tab -- but said if a guy "announced beforehand that I was expected to pay I'd tell him I'd let him know how dinner was."
Your approach not only offends women, it suggests you'll be fishing pennies out of a fountain to pay the tip -- or making the wife pick through the trash for returnables before you'll let her take the kid to the dentist. Even if a woman has every intention of footing her share of the bill, her genes are driving her to make sure a guy's a "provider" -- someone who has access to resources and a willingness to share them. But, wait! Gloria Steinem said women should get equal pay! Shouldn't they also pay equally, and from date one on? Sorry, but that notion confuses being equal with being the same. Men and women are biologically and psychologically different, and that isn't likely to change anytime soon. In fact, according to evolutionary psychologist Donald Symons, "Natural selection takes hundreds or thousands of generations to fashion any complex cognitive adaptation." So, good news! It should only be about 25,000 years until women leap at the chance to date you.
Until then, you'll probably be "outsmarting" a whole lot of women -- right into the arms of other guys. These would be guys who know better than to buy dinner for some near-stranger on the first date, but who understand that a couple glasses of wine are the investment you make if you'd like to have a girlfriend before the next Ice Age. Now, although you say your approach "takes discipline," I have to say, I suspect it's more your philosophy than your actual practice. But, hey, if asking women to pay is working so well, why stop there? You're sure to be fighting 'em off if only you'll tell a woman she has to put her money in escrow before your date, just in case she runs out on the check for her $6 Merlot.
After hearing stories of my dating misadventures, a married woman advised me, "If a girl tells you she wants to be friends, immediately tell her you have enough friends and walk away. You will more often than not be remarkably surprised by her actions after that." I nodded, but really have no idea what that means.
--Befriended Again
Believe a girl when she tells you she wants to be friends -- if you're both 5. At 25, it's usually code for "I find you sexually repellant." For some girls, however, it's code for "I find you sexually repellant but potentially useful." It sounds like your married friend wants you to understand that "friends" isn't going to morph into "with benefits" -- unless you're willing to count the warm glow you'll feel when you unclog the girl's toilet just in time for her date. Her advice is good in concept; just don't take it literally. Squeak "I have enough friends!" and storm off, and you should indeed be "remarkably surprised" -- by how quickly one man can go from the "friend zone" to the "no chance in hell with any of her friends zone."
September 15, 2009An incident with a bodyworker and another with my husband have me questioning everything. Upon entering the bodyworker's apartment, you see a bunch of nude photos of him. He makes you strip to your underwear and stand there while he "evaluates" your body structure. Later, you get on your hands and knees in your panties so he "can work on your back." I know of two women he offered to draw a bubble bath for after their massage. He seems to cross certain professional boundaries that should be in place to make women feel safe. When I mentioned this, he got incredibly offended and said it was my issue. Am I crazy? Prudish? My husband, who I've found myself supporting financially since we married six months ago, also made me feel like the crazy one. He just moved out -- after informing me that my 6-year-old daughter has an energy field that shocks him and that she "can't connect with the divine." Am I doing something to cause this stuff? Why can't my husband just love me or be kind?
--Bewildered
Going along with whatever you're told can really muck up your life (or your afterlife, if you believe in that sort of thing). Take the jihadists. They're told they'll go to heaven if they blow themselves and a bunch of other people up for Allah. As for what they'll get upon arrival, it's 72...well...it turns out there's some dispute about the translation: It's either 72 virgins or 72 white raisins.
Meanwhile, back at bodyworker ranch and nudie museum, you, too, were just following orders: "Back problems? Just strip down to your panties, get on your hands and knees, and bark like a dog." No, he didn't ask you that last bit, but if he did, I have a sneaking suspicion your response would've been "Pekingese or Chinese Crested?" Like too many women, you can sense trouble, but care more about not seeming like trouble. You finally hinted that you were uncomfortable, but he only had to get huffy, and your self-doubt made you quick to give him the benefit of the doubt. Being so compliant doesn't just lead to creepy experiences but to dangerous or deadly ones. As Gavin de Becker writes in The Gift of Fear, "The first time a woman is hit, she is a victim and the second time, she is a volunteer."
Unfortunately, your actions don't just affect you; there's the love child of Adolf Hitler and Freddy Krueger (also known as your 6-year-old). Not only does your new husband believe, sans evidence, in utter crap, he weaponizes it and uses it against your kid. Now, it'd be one thing if he'd pointed out little Priscilla skinning the neighbor's cat. Instead, he announces that her "energy field" is "shocking" (pink?) and she "can't connect with the divine." Please. Whatever "the divine" is, she's 6. She can barely connect with silverware.
You end up in these situations because you have the ability to reason but you live like meat meandering through life. Your husband didn't become a mean mooch; he always was one. Why are you only noticing now? Well, it's a little hard to see when you close your eyes, cross your fingers, and hope for the best. Figure out who you are and what you value, then develop the self-respect to stand up for it. It beats believing everybody but you is a guru. That's the kind of thinking that'll have you taking your daughter in to have her "aura" steam-cleaned, and maybe even taking advantage of the special: Not only will they discover you have cancer, for just $3,999.99, they'll cure it by waving a chicken foot over it while you wait.
I met a guy on an Internet dating site, and had two great dates. It's only been a couple days, but the interaction has changed. He isn't initiating contact, just replying to e-mail I send him. Should I call to ask what happened since that second date?
--Flummoxed
The ability to interrogate is something so many men look for in a woman, and the sooner the better: "It's been two whole days since our second date. Exactly what are you doing while you're not calling me?" On the Internet or off, only if a guy initiates another date should you consider him a possibility. But, the Internet dating venue could be part of the problem. In a bar, there might be another cute girl or two; on the Web, there are always 10,000 more where you came from. Studies by social psychologist Sheena S. Iyengar and others suggest humans want a vast array of options, but with more than a handful, tend to choose poorly and be unhappy with their choices. And, you know what they say...misery loves company -- providing it's spiritual but not religious, toned/athletic, and not into games.
September 8, 2009You were too conventional when you said that a man who is in a relationship but stares at other women is rude. I want a woman who is sexually loyal, but who stares as hard as she wants at men she finds appealing, and I will do the same (with women). It's a way to have fun together, to have life be an uninhibited overflowing of joy. I have no desire to actually have sex with another woman, but men evolved to stare and women evolved to be stared at. The human animal has such a lengthy evolutionary history that the more we allow people to safely express all sides of their nature, the happier they are. You're usually pretty good, but work a little harder to help people attain expressive freedom versus repressive pain.
--Enjoying Sexuality
I'd probably be less "conventional" if I were around 13 or 80, the ages at which adolescent rebellion seems to strike -- both perfect times to act out by donning the t-shirt "Ask me about my nipple rings."
These days, I find it often makes sense to follow convention -- all that boring stuff like stopping at red lights, greeting people with "Hello" instead of "Dirtbag!" and motioning the waiter over instead of beaning him on the head with a roll. In giving advice, however, I don't care about what's conventional or unconventional, just what seems to work. In this case, for most men, that's whatever keeps their wife or girlfriend from keeping them up all night with her weeping.
Had you bowed to the convention of reading before dashing off criticism, you might've noticed that I didn't say men were rude to look, just rude to let themselves get caught by the woman they're with. It is big of you to allow your woman to go around staring at men, but it doesn't work quite the same for the ladies. Men are far more aroused by visuals alone, while most women seem to need touch, talk, and connection, and male and female behavior in strip clubs best lays out the difference. Men often go alone, in hopes of having some sort of erotic experience. Women mainly go in groups, reports sociologist Beth Montemurro, as a bonding experience with their girlfriends. She found women were "rarely" turned on by the male strippers; instead, they described the experience as "disgusting," "mortifying," "humiliating" and "funny." So, sure, just like you, a woman might buy herself a lap dance, but when's the last time you got one because you were looking to make your buddies squeal with laughter?
Although beautiful young women stampede to marry goatish old men with private jets, few men would take the homely lady CEO over the hot young temp. Women are well aware that men are very looks driven, so while you may convince some gullible young thing that you're only checking out other women to liberate her from "repressive pain," she isn't going to feel too hot watching you give yourself whiplash whenever another woman walks by. And no, not even if you include her in the "fun" by letting her follow behind you and mop up your trail of drool, or as you like to call it, your "uninhibited overflowing of joy."
If you love someone, and they hurt you, why do you survive on the desire to see them wounded? The man I've had a passionate on-again, off-again relationship with for eight years recently told me our getting back together was a mistake, and that he's taking up with another woman...my competition. I love him, and want to be nice about it long enough to get some cold revenge.
--Feeling Evil
If you love something...slash its tires? Oh, wait -- I think that's not quite how it goes. A lot of people feel like you do, and justify it with stuff like, "You know, there's a thin line between love and hate." No, there isn't. There's just a thin line between not getting what you want and hating the person who isn't giving it to you. If your love for somebody is contingent on being wanted by them, you don't really love them; you love being wanted. And while we're on accepted wisdom that isn't actually wise, revenge is not "best served cold" (or with a glass of Prosecco); it's best not served at all. You've got limited time on the planet, and spending it prosecuting the past is just going to mire you in feeling rejected. And what did the guy do that was so terrible? Start loving somebody else? That's exactly what you should do, and maybe can, if you work on accepting that it's over and move on -- and not just because the judge orders you to stay 75 yards away at all times.
September 1, 2009I have such a crush on my co-worker that I actually have to bite down on my lips to keep them from quivering while we talk. Although he seems to enjoy talking with me, he hasn't expressed any interest. I've tried avoiding him and denying my feelings, but I just start obsessing -- thinking he's shy, or we don't talk enough, or I get too nervous and he doesn't see the real me. Or, maybe he's shallow, and I'm not pretty enough, blah, blah, blah. Now, he's moving to a different company, and I feel like I'm losing out. I've been on this for a year, and I'm too scared to say "I like you. Do you like me?"
--Stuck
How amazing that the guy doesn't seem to know how you feel when you've been sending signals for an entire year -- telling him you're as hot for him as you are for the elderly receptionist and the paunchy Polish janitor with the exposed butt crack. Yes, who knew, "Take me right here and now on this desk!" can also be phrased "Bye, Mr. Raszewski, have a great weekend!"
Although you're utterly overwhelmed by the prospect of rejection, you seem to think it's easy for guys, that they just say to themselves, "Oh, look! It's human and wearing a bra. I think I'll ask it out!" Unless you're stunning -- in which case, all you have to do is exist in a guy's eyeline -- you need to let him know you're open for business; specifically, his. But, you don't just march up and blurt out "I like you. Do you like me?" -- which is about as alluring as "Drop by some afternoon so I can give you genital herpes."
Asking a guy out is another lousy idea. Men will tell you they're fine with it -- just as they're subconsciously knocking you from an 8 to a 3.6 for doing it. Because sex is more costly for a woman -- potentially leading to nine months of pregnancy, then a kid to drag around -- women evolved to be the choosier sex and men evolved to value choosy women, and to apply to be chosen. This isn't to say all the work should be left to men. It's your job to flirt with a guy, signaling that if he asked you out, you wouldn't scream "Rape!", fall on the floor laughing, or report him to Human Resources and have him demoted to crossing guard.
Instead of spending a year chewing on your lip, you could've spent a week or two smiling at the guy, making eye contact and looking away, playing with your hair, toying with objects around you, and touching his arm (female flirting moves recognized across cultures). Then it would've been his turn, perhaps to drop mention that he, too, is looking for a boyfriend. If only you'd signaled your interest, even inaction on his part would've been progress -- telling you to move on. Then again, maybe he would've asked you out, and maybe you would've found he's mean to the waitress and twirls his nose hair at the table. Yes, for all you know, you don't even like the guy -- the real guy, not the one you've turned into a rock star in your head. While you could finally give flirting with him a whirl, with the way you've built him up, your best bet is probably meeting new guys and practicing your body language -- those little pronunciation tricks that make the difference between "Ask me out" and "Ask me if I'm often constipated."
Before I moved in with my long-distance boyfriend, his thrashing around in his sleep was an occasional issue. Now, I'm exhausted daily. I suggested I sleep in the guest room, but he sees that as a foreboding sign.
--Eyebags
Some people count sheep; your boyfriend chases them around the barn trying to wrestle them to the ground. While there are mattresses with individual "sleep numbers," you two could use one divided down the middle by one of those Plexiglas windows they have at the bank. What does it mean when a couple can't be unconscious together? Perhaps that one of them has a serious medical issue -- something a doctor should check out. Other than that, not a whole lot. Unfortunately, your boyfriend seems to be equating your need to avoid falling asleep behind the wheel with all that negative stuff you see on TV about the guy being deported to the couch. You can put a futon on the floor or sleep in another room and crawl into bed with him in the morning, then thrash around together while awake. The guy just needs to face the facts: He sleeps like a baby...great white shark trying to break into Jacques Cousteau's sharkproof cage.