A Wench In The Plans
I'm a 59-year-old married man who really clicks with a new co-worker. We even share the same goofy sense of humor. The problem is, she's 30, single, and attractive. My wife got seriously jealous upon meeting her at a company function. I reassured her we're just friends. She apologized, but still seems jealous. Am I wrong for trying to nurture this friendship? I'd like to invite this woman to our house for dinner, but I'm not sure how my wife would react.
--Congenial
Maybe you want nothing more from her than friendship (or maybe you're just too old and hairy in the wrong places to have anything more). Can't you make do with sharing "the same goofy sense of humor" on lunch breaks? Or, is your actual goal getting your "friendship" out in the open so you'll feel less guilt about nurturing something a little friendlier? You have to know that bringing this chickie home will hurt your wife. I mean, come on. Oh, the great mysteries of our world: Stonehenge, Loch Ness, cold fusion, and how ever will your wife react to "Honey, that pretty woman half your age wants to know what she can bring to dinner. I mean, besides her hot self."
Maybe he needs to work on nurturing his friendship with his wife instead. What kind of ass cares more about nurturing a friendship with PYT than his wife's feelings?
Bring her home to dinner, seriously?
kjm at September 30, 2009 12:34 AM
The only thing I can think of is he might be trying to light a fire under his wife so she is more attentive and loving. What I mean is he brings the pretty young co-worker home as a sign to the wife that- hey don't neglect me, I can have relationships with other women if you ignore my needs.
Dvaid M. at September 30, 2009 4:31 AM
Can't tell by what you gave us, Amy, but he sounds dense and clueless. Sounds like you told him right.
I also suspect the motives of the girl.
Suki at September 30, 2009 4:37 AM
@Suki: "I also suspect the motives of the girl."
At 30, certainly the young lady should know better than to get into a situation that will make another man's wife uncomfortable. However, the letter only says he's thinking about asking her over to the house, not that he's already asked her. She might be as uncomfortable with the idea as the wife would be. In fact, she may be a little put off by him already.
old rpm daddy at September 30, 2009 4:47 AM
I can just imagine if my dad asked someone younger than myself to "hey, c'mon over for dinner, the wife and kids'll love ya!" Not!
This ol'coot needs to leave well enough alone. He may be crushing on her, but for sure, his wife doesn't need to have her face rubbed in it. Leave it alone, old man, and spend some of that attention on your wife and marriage.
Flynne at September 30, 2009 5:50 AM
David M:
"The only thing I can think of is he might be trying to light a fire under his wife so she is more attentive and loving."
This is the ONLY thing you can think of?
Robin at September 30, 2009 6:28 AM
Allow me to imagine the other letter relevant to this discussion:
Dear Amy,
I am a reasonably attractive thirty year old woman just out of a long term relationship. I got a new job recently and there is this sixty year old guy who works there. He keeps coming around my cubicle during work hours to talk and tell me jokes. He is nice and all, but I find him really distracting, but not in that good way, if you know what I mean--he is sixty, after all.
Recently at an office party he spent the whole time talking to me, ignoring his obviously angry wife next to him. It was really uncomfortable.
Now he wants to have me over for dinner at his house, I think. I am trying to rebuild my dating life, so I am not really focused on getting to know this guy outside a work relationship.
OTOH, he is a coworker, and I am new. I don't want to alienate anyone, especially the nice old dude everyone likes, even if he is a bit too chatty at times.
How do I get him to ease up on me without making it clear that I know that he is essentially chasing some young tail, even if he fails to admit it, even to himself? The whole thing is pretty creepy--like my uncle eyeing me and pretending he isn't.
Spartee at September 30, 2009 8:21 AM
In other words, his co-worker is more important to him than his wife.
MarkD at September 30, 2009 8:35 AM
I feel sorry for the 30 year old. Because she's at work, she's stuck having to be nice to this guy, and he totally has misinterpreted her niceness.
His ego is in charge here, not his brain (another part of his body is involved in this as well)
Chrissy at September 30, 2009 9:42 AM
That's just dense. If she was dating someone and he invited THEM over as a couple, I think that would be fine, but to invite a single woman over? Seriously? I agree with Chrissy - he's not thinking with his brain, for sure. I also suspect that he's crushing on her and refusing to admit it. I also agree with Suki - if she's not worried about how to tone it down a bit, she's probably interested in him on some level. Maybe not in a serious way, but at the very least as a stroke for her ego.
Anne at September 30, 2009 10:00 AM
"dense and clueless"
Harsh, but probably accurate. Let's not forget that this doesn't mean "evil." LW deserves Amy's swipe on the nose, not a public beating.
snakeman99 at September 30, 2009 10:31 AM
Something tells me it would be a different story if our LW,s wife were having coffee with the young divorced stay at home dad down the street.
LW's question is: "Am I wrong for trying to nurture this friendship? I'd like to invite this woman to our house for dinner, but I'm not sure how my wife would react."
It may not be wrong, but an observant and caring husband would realize this is creating bad feelings at home and drop any plans for friendship with the new associate outside the office.
I have held a tenet close through my career and that is "being friendly doesn't mean we're friends". I like my work associates, and am friendly with them at work, but very few of them are friends that I do things with outside the work-o-sphere. Perhaps LW should become familiar with a similar philosophy?
Tori M at September 30, 2009 11:38 AM
LW shouldn't be so concerned about "nurturing" his friendship with his co-worker as "nurturing" his relationship with his wife...crushes will happen, but he's giving this more life than it needs to have. If he's smart, he'll watch his step at work too; I have a feeling that she (the HYT) is likely just being nice to the guy and is aware of his "crush" but doesn't want to be confrontational or mean by giving him the cold shoulder or ignoring him. Either way, the LW needs to keep things professional at work and concentrate on his spouse at home. People who are married or in a committed relationship don't "nurture" friendships with members of the opposite sex unless they are purposefully trying to get burned while playing with what is most certainly fire.
Beth at September 30, 2009 12:36 PM
Tori wrote: "It may not be wrong, but an observant and caring husband would realize this is creating bad feelings at home and drop any plans for friendship with the new associate outside the office."
True enough. It sounds to me like the guy bungled this deal at the start. (I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and assume he really isn't trying to get into her pants... your mileage may vary...) Good chance he's brought up Ms. Office to his wife every day for weeks now. It certainly starts to sound odd, even if there's nothing going on. And if he insisted on hanging around with his co-worker all night at that office function where his wife was present, well... rubbing it in is just not smart. Maybe he wanted to be up-front with his wife about the fact that he was working with this lady. That's OK, in itself; I work with some younger and attractive women, and we even go to lunch together sometimes, and I don't hide that from my wife. But I don't try to drag them home with me either.
"I have held a tenet close through my career and that is 'being friendly doesn't mean we're friends'. I like my work associates, and am friendly with them at work, but very few of them are friends that I do things with outside the work-o-sphere. Perhaps LW should become familiar with a similar philosophy?
It depends. There are people I work with whom I count as friends outside of work. But I have common interests other than working with them. Your point is taken that just because you work with someone, that doesn't necessarily make it a good idea to be drinking buddies with them.
Cousin Dave at September 30, 2009 1:10 PM
The wife is too uptight. He should dump her, and marry the younger one. Worked for me. Not 30 years, but 20 years younger. Plus, I am really good-looking for my age.
i-holier-than-thou at September 30, 2009 2:52 PM
>Plus, I am really good-looking for my age.
Don't forget modest and a great personality to boot!
Beth at October 1, 2009 10:03 AM
Spartee's letter sounds like it could be dead on! It's not hard to imagine that someone who's in a new workplace is just being friendly and (perhaps) happy to chat to someone who is welcoming. He sounds like he would have more in a heartbeat, if he could.
Arwen at October 2, 2009 1:51 PM
i-hornier-than-thou, you say that marrying your wife "worked for" you. In previous posts, you complained about how miserable you are in your prison. What is the truth?
I totally believe that you are good looking for your age--I'll bet you don't look a day over 67!
Rozita at October 2, 2009 6:31 PM
Rozita-
I doubt you are reading, but, as I stated, I live in a very nice prison. Marriage.
I see Dave Letterman is the latest guy to get "exposed." Married for 25 years--yeah, some huge crime, he had affairs.
25 years of humping the same broad, and still not good enough for some people!
I think we need a new standard: Any married must commit to a goal of making love 90 percent of the time, inside the marriage. If he meets the goal most of the time, then he is good.
i-holier-than-thou at October 3, 2009 9:00 PM
Dear Congenial:
Don't you dare bring that woman home for dinner. That's basically committing a form of adultery right in front of your wife! (However, you can pass her along to me, heh-heh!)
mpetrie98 at October 5, 2009 7:30 PM
So I shouldn't expect the nice gentleman I've been chatting with at work to introduce me to his wife. Got it.
Jenny at December 27, 2009 2:42 PM
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