Afternoon Delete
I met a guy on an Internet dating site, and had two great dates. It's only been a couple days, but the interaction has changed. He isn't initiating contact, just replying to e-mail I send him. Should I call to ask what happened since that second date?
--Flummoxed
The ability to interrogate is something so many men look for in a woman, and the sooner the better: "It's been two whole days since our second date. Exactly what are you doing while you're not calling me?" On the Internet or off, only if a guy initiates another date should you consider him a possibility. But, the Internet dating venue could be part of the problem. In a bar, there might be another cute girl or two; on the Web, there are always 10,000 more where you came from. Studies by social psychologist Sheena S. Iyengar and others suggest humans want a vast array of options, but with more than a handful, tend to choose poorly and be unhappy with their choices. And, you know what they say...misery loves company -- providing it's spiritual but not religious, toned/athletic, and not into games.
If a man is interested, he will be calling her. Period.
Robert W. (Vancouver) at September 15, 2009 10:35 PM
Now Robert that not true, there are exceptions, he may have been shot in the head for example
lujlp at September 15, 2009 11:25 PM
LW, as Robert in Vancouver said, if he wants to go on another date with you, he'll ask. If he doesn't, then maybe you should quit worrying about him. If I were young and single again, a call asking what had happened since the second date would be kind of off-putting. Don't limit yourself by pining for this guy. Lots of handsome, pleasant fellows out there, you know.
old rpm daddy at September 16, 2009 4:37 AM
I'm sure his phone and internet service are both out. Didn't Amy just blog about an interruption a few days ago?
Kristen at September 16, 2009 5:24 AM
Flummoxed- Don't put all your eggs in one basket after 2 dates.
You can call him if you think it will help you move on.
David M. at September 16, 2009 6:51 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/09/afternoon-delet.html#comment-1667870">comment from KristenI'm sure his phone and internet service are both out. Didn't Amy just blog about an interruption a few days ago?
Sucky Time Warner was down again last night. Same deal, call their phone line and go through to tech support and it disconnects you. Hate them for their crappy service and crappy monopoly.
But, I wrote this a month ago.
Amy Alkon at September 16, 2009 6:52 AM
Amy's last sentence was pure genius. And yes, if the guy is into her/him/it he'll initiate communication, and not just respond.
Move on, nothing to see.
DropShadow at September 16, 2009 8:27 AM
On the off chance that there is a good reason he's not initiating contact (besides him not being that into you), emailing him constantly won't help.
When I began my current Match.com relationship, my date didn't call or email for three days after the second date. I assumed he wasn't interested anymore and left him alone. Turns out he was just slammed at work. Another woman he was dating freaked out on him and emailed and called to ask what was wrong. He was so turned off that we're getting married in April.
MonicaP at September 16, 2009 10:09 AM
...He's just not that into you. Let it go.
Beth at September 16, 2009 12:21 PM
Ya know, some guys like a woman to be a little "mysterious". Repeat after me, LW:
"Be.. the... butterfly... beeeee...the .... butterfly..."
o.O
Flynne at September 16, 2009 2:44 PM
Aside:
I have to say that while Amy is a standout in her regular columns/blogs, I routinely find her "micro-advice" columns to be her best work. Its like she has a black belt in brevity.
More shorter columns! Hope this kudos isn't read to be too back-handed.
snakeman99 at September 17, 2009 12:44 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/09/afternoon-delet.html#comment-1668174">comment from snakeman99Thanks, snake!
Amy Alkon at September 17, 2009 12:45 PM
I agree with the other commenters here - it doesn't *matter* what happened since that second date. So quit worrying about it. If a guy doesn't call, it's because he's not interested. If a guy IS intersted, you'll barely be able to get rid of him.
The LW should not, under any circumstances, call this guy, especially under the ridiculous pretenses of "moving on" or gaining "closure" or any such nonsense. She shouldn't need to talk to him again to be able to move on, she just needs to get busy with something else, or date someone else, and practice a little self-discipline. He may not be interested in her, but if she leaves him alone, he will at least respect her as someone who knows how to take a hint.
In these situations, people tell themselves that if they can find out what they did "wrong," they will know better for next time. It's possible she did NOTHING wrong. And if she did, she already knows what it is, if she would just look that nagging feeling straight in the eye and acknowledge the truth that is already right there.
Pirate Jo at September 19, 2009 5:39 AM
But, the Internet dating venue could be part of the problem.
I tend to agree that internet dating lends to these kinds of disappointments. But I don't think that this is due to an embarrassment of riches, though perhaps the perception of such is relevant.
What I'd noticed is that it seems to inspire a sort of catalog shopping and also undermines the basic courtesies that are typically applied when meeting new people and dating.
Eventually I'd stopped trying to meet women online. None of those I'd dated were ones I'd have asked out if I'd met them in person beforehand, and the process was causing me to develop a negative view of single women.
Mike at September 19, 2009 2:28 PM
Two days? She should wait at least seven. Perhaps he's very involved in his work.
Patrick at September 20, 2009 7:13 AM
Hah! I met a guy on a dating site a few years ago. He emailed me one day to say that he met someone he liked better and he would get back to me if it didn't work out. I told him no, that's ok, I don't want to be second place.
I lost a friend because I told her to leave the poor guy she was dating along and stop being so clingy. He didn't need to have an essay on the importance of calling a lady back. I guess the guy and I are much happier people for it.
Kendra at September 20, 2009 10:26 AM
I met a woman on a dating site many years ago.
At the time, I was everything she hated in a man. She didn't drink/smoke and I did both to disgusting extremes.
Despite my profile stating that I was a "nonsmoker" and "light" drinker, I smoked like a train and drank until I couldn't.
Said habits were easy to hide from her while we "dated online", and something I didn't care to hide after we'd met in person.
Notwithstanding her horror after I cracked open those A.M. beers, I defiantly proclaimed that it was "who I am" and that I wasn't changing after I lit up another. Or so I thought...
She never ONCE expressed her disapproval of what/who I was, and despite how much my habits offended her senses.
My senses no matter how numbed by my drunken stupors, we're never without their ability to feel her stern disapproval of what I'd become.
As time progressed, I found her quite different from all the rest. Even more important, and although it was never verbalized, that clock counting down my "time to change" would surely reach "that day."
What happened? The new me did. I eagerly quit smoking, quit dipping (although my online profile made no mention of that 1 1/2 cans of Kodiak I "dipped" each day)and quite drinking to become that man that she saw in me.
Today? Years later, I continue to be that man who without her asking, changed everything he was so as to please her.
Moreover, and despite me cautioning her "the honeymoon will wear off, the sex will get old and that "puppy love" crap will fade;" every bit of it continues growing even stronger to this day.
The only thing that changed was our relationship; from single to married.
T at September 20, 2009 11:13 AM
Aww, how sweet. So if a woman is prepared to put up with her would-be partner lying to her from the word go and prepared to tolerate habits she finds repulsive and disgusting and just keep smiling sweetly - she and all the other desperate and dateless women in the world might just "land a man"?
Seriously, better to spend years, maybe all of them, alone, than star in a Doris bloody Day movie. I speak as one who has been married 16 years, to an honest - if imperfect - man: and if he smoked I wouldn't even have been able to stay in the say room with him, let alone the same bed.
Alison Dennehy at September 21, 2009 1:45 AM
"On the Internet or off, only if a guy initiates another date should you consider him a possibility."
I can't tell whether this is sarcasm or whether people really believe it's the woman's duty to be apathetic/lazy/passive.
Dogs at October 10, 2009 2:45 AM
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