Squeak Truth To Power
An incident with a bodyworker and another with my husband have me questioning everything. Upon entering the bodyworker's apartment, you see a bunch of nude photos of him. He makes you strip to your underwear and stand there while he "evaluates" your body structure. Later, you get on your hands and knees in your panties so he "can work on your back." I know of two women he offered to draw a bubble bath for after their massage. He seems to cross certain professional boundaries that should be in place to make women feel safe. When I mentioned this, he got incredibly offended and said it was my issue. Am I crazy? Prudish? My husband, who I've found myself supporting financially since we married six months ago, also made me feel like the crazy one. He just moved out -- after informing me that my 6-year-old daughter has an energy field that shocks him and that she "can't connect with the divine." Am I doing something to cause this stuff? Why can't my husband just love me or be kind?
--Bewildered
Going along with whatever you're told can really muck up your life (or your afterlife, if you believe in that sort of thing). Take the jihadists. They're told they'll go to heaven if they blow themselves and a bunch of other people up for Allah. As for what they'll get upon arrival, it's 72...well...it turns out there's some dispute about the translation: It's either 72 virgins or 72 white raisins.
Meanwhile, back at bodyworker ranch and nudie museum, you, too, were just following orders: "Back problems? Just strip down to your panties, get on your hands and knees, and bark like a dog." No, he didn't ask you that last bit, but if he did, I have a sneaking suspicion your response would've been "Pekingese or Chinese Crested?" Like too many women, you can sense trouble, but care more about not seeming like trouble. You finally hinted that you were uncomfortable, but he only had to get huffy, and your self-doubt made you quick to give him the benefit of the doubt. Being so compliant doesn't just lead to creepy experiences but to dangerous or deadly ones. As Gavin de Becker writes in The Gift of Fear, "The first time a woman is hit, she is a victim and the second time, she is a volunteer."
Unfortunately, your actions don't just affect you; there's the love child of Adolf Hitler and Freddy Krueger (also known as your 6-year-old). Not only does your new husband believe, sans evidence, in utter crap, he weaponizes it and uses it against your kid. Now, it'd be one thing if he'd pointed out little Priscilla skinning the neighbor's cat. Instead, he announces that her "energy field" is "shocking" (pink?) and she "can't connect with the divine." Please. Whatever "the divine" is, she's 6. She can barely connect with silverware.
You end up in these situations because you have the ability to reason but you live like meat meandering through life. Your husband didn't become a mean mooch; he always was one. Why are you only noticing now? Well, it's a little hard to see when you close your eyes, cross your fingers, and hope for the best. Figure out who you are and what you value, then develop the self-respect to stand up for it. It beats believing everybody but you is a guru. That's the kind of thinking that'll have you taking your daughter in to have her "aura" steam-cleaned, and maybe even taking advantage of the special: Not only will they discover you have cancer, for just $3,999.99, they'll cure it by waving a chicken foot over it while you wait.
This letter gives three perfect examples of why I hate people, give the daughter a few more years with the doormat, I mean 'mother', and she'll probaby become another reason
lujlp at September 15, 2009 11:28 PM
Ms. Alkon, I understood your column pretty well. LW, on the other hand, I don't understand at all. I know you don't make these letters up, but for Pete's sake, "shocking energy field?" Seems to me, if she wants somebody to help raise her young daughter, a nice, boring fellow with a good job would be better than somebody worried about kid's negative energy and wife's positive cash flow.
By the way, what's a body worker? Is that like a masseur? If so, then why aren't they called masseurs?
old rpm daddy at September 16, 2009 4:30 AM
LW - here's what your problem is:
Your husband is FUCKING CRAZY! Batshit fucking loco. Nuts. Off his chump. Gone round the bend.
Only now that you've married him, you're stuck with him. Even if you divorce him, you'll still end up supporting him.
You need to stop hooking up with the looneys. If nothing else, think of your daughter.
brian at September 16, 2009 5:11 AM
When you get that feeling in your gut that something is wrong....trust it! When a man starts talking shit about your daughter and her lack of connection to the divine....change the locks, or better yet, move far far away. LW needs to start not only trusting her instincts, but believing firmly that she is correct and not allowing these predators to change her mind especially when it concerns her daughter.
Kristen at September 16, 2009 5:22 AM
The woman lucky the guy really isnt a predetor otherwise this letter would have been asking "Am I wrong to think it not normal that my husband wants my daughter and I to sleep naked in the same bed while he watches or am I being to judgmental of his sleeping habits?"
Quite frankly given the number of abusive assholes looking for a footstool like her maybe shes better off with a guy who refuses to live in the same house as a 6yr old
lujlp at September 16, 2009 6:04 AM
There is a word for people like this. It's victim. There's a word that helps one to not become a victim. It's no.
MarkD at September 16, 2009 6:35 AM
"it turns out there's some dispute about the translation: It's either 72 virgins or 72 white raisins."
I think I'd want to be absolutely sure before blowing myself up. If I arrived in the afterlife expecting a harem and Allah handed me a bowl of Raisin Bran, I'd be pretty pissed.
Gordon at September 16, 2009 7:06 AM
Amy,
These people are not anywhere near the DC area are they? (I know you can't answer that, but I can always hope you will reassure me).
As soon as I began reading the letter I was reminded of a gal from several years ago who was into massage therapy, holistic 'stuff', went to a Montessori school, had a mom into all sorts of the same stuff and seemed like she always wanted to be directed/told everything to do. I prefer my women all grown up (she was early 30s) and I did not let her hang around long.
Not only does your new husband believe, sans evidence, in utter crap, he weaponizes it and uses it against your kid. Now, it'd be one thing if he'd pointed out little Priscilla skinning the neighbor's cat. Instead, he announces that her "energy field" is "shocking" (pink?) and she "can't connect with the divine." Please. Whatever "the divine" is, she's 6. She can barely connect with silverware.
Spot on and funny too! My guess is this girl (the mom) is just going to pick up another one to tell her what to do and if he is not crazy enough, she will move up the crazy scale.
John Tagliaferro at September 16, 2009 7:21 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/09/squeak-truth-to.html#comment-1667884">comment from John TagliaferroNo idea of location, John.
There are assholes everywhere, though!
Amy Alkon at September 16, 2009 7:22 AM
No idea of location, John.
There are assholes everywhere, though!
Yes, very true. I prefer women who are not looking for one but I still end up wasting time every few years with the gals looking for an asshole.
OT: BTW, the mythical Amy Alkon and Tammy Bruce show of the future (2030s) gets another mention in Suki IV. You two are just back from vacation after the short and swift invasion of Iran begins.
John Tagliaferro at September 16, 2009 7:31 AM
I don't know what's scarier: the idea that people like that exist, or the idea that they're capable of reproducing. Given the current husband, I wonder what the baby-daddy was like?
Cousin Dave at September 16, 2009 7:35 AM
"Take the jihadists. They're told they'll go to heaven if they blow themselves and a bunch of other people up for Allah. As for what they'll get upon arrival, it's 72...well...it turns out there's some dispute about the translation: It's either 72 virgins or 72 white raisins."
Here again Islam gives women the short end of the stick...what do female jihadists get for the trouble of blowing themselves up? to BE a virgin again in the afterlife. Hooray. Although, considering the alternative--having 72 male virgins--maybe that's the lesser of the two evils :-)
And to LW, Brian put it most eloquently (as he usually does): "Your husband is FUCKING CRAZY! Batshit fucking loco. Nuts. Off his chump. Gone round the bend."
Concur.
Beth at September 16, 2009 8:16 AM
This is one of the most bizarre letters I've ever seen in this column.
I think that people who have disdane for the normal (aka "square") tend to have problems like this.
Pull your head out of your ass, learn to say no, and start dating men who can make their own car payments.
ahw at September 16, 2009 8:40 AM
I've always wondered, who ARE these 72 virgins? Good Muslim women who go to heaven, so they get the privelege of being some jihadist's whore for all eternity?
KarenW at September 16, 2009 8:44 AM
Here's a tip ladies - stay the !%&$#! away from new age guys. They're all manipulative narcissistic borderline control freaks and if they're not asexual, they're perverts.
New age men are like teenage girls with penises.
Nena at September 16, 2009 8:46 AM
What planet is LW on in that she even needs to be told to run like the wind from these two?
muggle at September 16, 2009 9:06 AM
Nena,
New Age! That is the wierdo thing I was hunting for in my earlier post. That chick, her mom and her mom's (then current) husband were into the New Age stuff.
John Tagliaferro at September 16, 2009 9:10 AM
You strip away the bizarre nature of some of this, and you have a common issue: a person who doesn't trust her own instincts, so she ends up at the mercy of whatever other people think is right. It's a pretty common side effect of being told once too often that what you're thinking and feeling is wrong. She's still obligated to correct this, if only for her child's sake.
LW, trust your instincts, even if it causes trouble and even if you end up being wrong. At least you won't end up on all fours literally and metaphorically.
MonicaP at September 16, 2009 10:02 AM
@Nena: "New age men are like teenage girls with penises."
Bizarre simile alert! Please explain!
old rpm daddy at September 16, 2009 10:07 AM
When I first saw this letter out on creators dot com, I thought what a nutcase! Had to read it a couple of times just to absorb the info.
The term is SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy/Gal). Not necessarily derogatory. Eckhart Tolle, Debbie Ford, almost anyone blogging on Reality Sandwich dot com would be examples.
Anyway, the bodyworker (had to google this, interesting description on wikipedia) is a nutcase. A bit of a narcissist also.
The husband, also a nutcase, and seems quite the lazy jackass too.
Now, the LW, well at least she is seeking advice, but she's not the sharpest tool in the shed in regards to this situation. However, if she does what everyone tells her, I hope she's reading these posts. Run little rabbit, and take your baby bunny with you.
sterling at September 16, 2009 11:24 AM
"@Nena: "New age men are like teenage girls with penises."
Bizarre simile alert! Please explain!"
This video is a great example.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQUUFg6p0aE
David H at September 16, 2009 11:47 AM
"Here's a tip ladies - stay the !%&$#! away from new age guys. They're all manipulative narcissistic borderline control freaks and if they're not asexual, they're perverts."
OMG, I wish I'd read this when I was 19. That is so true! At least my ex was basically kind, but anybody that feels they can read "auras" and "energy fields" (as he did too) is most likely a narcissist. They're trying to set themselves apart from the masses, almost like God. "I'm so special..I can read your energy". It's bullshit, LW. Run!
lovelysoul at September 16, 2009 12:55 PM
Awww, these guys sound pretty decent to me. And I'm the Chief Patriarch of the Patriarchal Republic of New Deseret (a large area of the former U.S. Southwest that extends from Eastern Colorado to Southern California).
Nobody but me seems to recognize this, though :(
Thomas Fullery at September 16, 2009 1:18 PM
@Nena: "New age men are like teenage girls with penises."
Perfect description! Love it. Have worked with several over the years, and enjoyed their company. But I could ***never*** imagine anybody wanting to marry one. CRAAAAAZY folks, them.
railmeat at September 16, 2009 1:55 PM
How's life in the Emberverse Thomas?
railmeat at September 16, 2009 1:57 PM
That apparent great attraction to 72 virgins has always puzzled me. So, what is Mr. Bigshot Studly Terrorist going to do his second day in Paradise?
irlandes at September 16, 2009 2:09 PM
Re the body worker, from the perspective of 23 years as a massage therapist:
First of all, he's not a masseur (and I'm not a masseuse) because of nasty assumptions about what those terms connote, and also to imply a greater degree of training and knowledge then may have been the case in the past. Not saying this guy has that training or knowledge, but I sure do, and I know a lot of massage therapists who take the work very seriously indeed.
Secondly, "body worker" is a larger term that encompasses massage, but also other hands-on therapies.
Thirdly, some of what this guy did strikes me as off-base, other parts of it are entirely explicable. The nude photos of himself -- that's hinky to me, not to mention narcissistic.
Having clients stand in front of him in their underwear so he can evaluate their structure? Not only okay, but essential if he's doing any sort of postural reintegration work -- the best-known version of which is Rolfing. I've studied a Rolfing offshoot; every class we each got to stand in front of everyone in our underwear, while the class said stuff like "I dunno, does that left femur look medially rotated to you?" When I did this sort of work, I took polaroids of clients, front, back and side, before the first session, then periodically through the ten sessions it took. Not only could I see what was happening with their structure, I could show them, too.
I have no idea what the "on your hands and knees in your panties" thing is. I'd be concerned if he's doing it to everyone, because oddly enough people's bodies and their needs vary quite a lot. I'd be alarmed if he's doing it only to women and not to men. Still, I've put people in some odd positions over the years, to be able to get the access and the leverage needed. Just today I was working around a client's coccyx; this feels very much like being examined by a proctologist with bad aim. It's also very useful for people with pelvic floor issues.
The bubble bath thing? Odd. If he was in a spa, and had access to a hot tub, that I might see. But a bubble bath seems off to me.
He seems a little off to me, but then I'm also very aware that massage is a business where women have a *huge* edge, exactly because people are worried about sexual issues with male therapists. And I've known some wonderful male therapists who didn't deserve the suspicion.
Dana at September 16, 2009 5:21 PM
Bizarre simile alert! Please explain!"
I think that women who've dealt with these guys get the comparison. They really do act like teenage girls, but they have penises. That's why women are so confused by them ;)
But I'm not being totally fair. Some new agey guys are OK. It's just that even if they're not deliberately malicious, they're so F'd up and self absorbed that they cause a lot of damage.
Nena at September 16, 2009 5:21 PM
"Like too many women, you can sense trouble, but care more about not seeming like trouble. You finally hinted that you were uncomfortable, but he only had to get huffy, and your self-doubt made you quick to give him the benefit of the doubt. Being so compliant doesn't just lead to creepy experiences but to dangerous or deadly ones."
What a great observation, Amy. Well done.
Feebie at September 16, 2009 9:25 PM
Yeah, Amy, I agree. That's such a true observation, and it applies to a lot of different situations. I'm having to face a tough encounter today where I will need to stand up for myself and not be intimidated, so that's going to be my mantra. Very helpful, thanks.
lovelysoul at September 17, 2009 7:12 AM
I met a gal who thinks she can read people's auras and determine what their "totem animals" are. A buddy's girlfriend didn't seem to like the totem animal she was interpreted to have, so the "expert" changed what the diagnosis was. When the buddy called bullshit on it, he was determined to have a mouse as his totem animal.
It's so stupid. And the gal teaches her kids to do the same thing, so as a result they are the most annoying, sancitimonious little jerks you can imagine, pompous little know-it-alls, especially the boy, who is convinced he is exceptionally gifted at interpreting totem animals. Little asshole. Do I even have to say she is a single mom? If a dad were in the picture, maybe his son wouldn't be turning into such a sissy.
Pirate Jo at September 17, 2009 7:22 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/09/squeak-truth-to.html#comment-1668086">comment from lovelysoulThanks, lovelysoul -- all the best with that today.
Amy Alkon at September 17, 2009 7:26 AM
"New age men are like teenage girls with penises."
FTW!
As for the mysterious discipline of "bodywork," let's just do this SAT style:
Bodyworker : Massage Therapist as
Life Coach : Psychologist
The latter is a schooled and licensed professional, the former is a touchy-feely con artist.
snakeman99 at September 17, 2009 12:17 PM
What planet is LW from? California?
Let this be a lesson to everyone out there about the spiritual/holistic/new age men AND women. I have seen alot more of these freak jobs than most because I was married to one...When I questioned her about going out for the "girls night out" and then coming home at 7:30 A.M. I got "Well, the planets were directing me, and you never know when someone you meet might be your soulmate." I said "But you're already married to your supposed soulmate!", and she said "yes but I'm married only in the physical sense."
Wha...????
Anyway, that was enough for me.
mike at September 17, 2009 2:35 PM
This sentence makes me nauseous:
"He seems to cross certain professional boundaries that should be in place to make women feel safe"
No, the world doesn't come with protective padding on every figurative sharp edge and some great magic nanny-like force keeping you cosy and safe all day long wherever you go ... it's the real world, there are bad things out there, think for yourself, take responsibility for your own life and stop blaming the world for failing to protect you from your own bad decisions. Honestly, how naive can you get. As Amy said, at least you somehow do have the brains to have the feeling that something was/is 'off', so all is not lost yet, you just have to learn to develop this under-developed ability to reason and use it as a guide for your life instead of trusting the nanny-system will protect you.
Lobster at September 17, 2009 5:25 PM
A massage therapist is not a professional.
A doctor is. A lawyer is. A massage therapist is not.
Spartee at September 17, 2009 6:53 PM
What I want to know is why LW went to this Bodyworker when two other woman complained about his inappropriate behavior.
Was she going to see if he found her attractive enough to cross professional boundaries with? Does she purposely go to doctors who have a few malpractice suits against them?
That's just freaking weird.
Regarding the husband, who gives a crap if he thinks she's crazy or not! She needs to be worrying about protecting her daughter. If I had a child and some man, husband or not, said that he wouldn't have the chance to be leaving me. I'd rather be single than purposely put my child in a position where she could be damaged by the man I chose.
Good Lord. So many things wrong here, and this is why our world is going to hell in a hand basket.
kjm at September 17, 2009 8:25 PM
Whoa. Nutsy-daisy.
While I agree that this woman needs to stop worrying about making waves, that may not be entirely her fault - the 'nice girls don't make a fuss' thing has been drilled into girls for a long time, and is still going around. It takes a certain amount of self-awareness to realise that you're letting other people override your own observations and feelings. Then it takes a bit of work to overcome the reflex of assuming that if someone appears more certain or confident about something, that automatically makes them right..
Arwen at September 18, 2009 4:17 PM
Well said, Arwen, I was going to add that comment myself. Women are raised to be 'nice' and when they do stand up for themselves, they are told they are being selfish, to get them back in line. The sad thing is, those who are calling women selfish are the really selfish ones.
To get over this kind of brainwashing, the first thing that a woman should ask herself when someone tries to get her to do something, is 'what's in it for me', because that's for sure what the asker is thinking about for him/her-self.
Chrissy at September 19, 2009 8:18 AM
Ms. Alkon, good comment!
"Upon entering the bodyworker's apartment, she stripped down to underwear..."
Most unusual behaviour in an adult female/mother of a young child. First of all, she needs a good mental health exam. Second of all, if you strip down to you undrewear in front of a doctor, another person most likely a nurse will be present. On the other hand, if you enter a man's (new ager/eunoch's) domain on the pretenses to be examined/worked over and unchaperoned borders on isanity.
Erudite Nurse at September 19, 2009 9:00 AM
Amy,
Might need to warn this woman that this story is a joke and he can't be her new self-defense instructor. "Self-Defense Instructor Simulates Attacker Right Down To Erection"
Suki at September 19, 2009 11:39 AM
Someone addressed very well what a "bodyworker" is. Basically, a massage therapist wannabe who flunked the state board exam.
Regarding the evaluation, yes, there is a method of evaluation involved, but I've never used or heard of making people get on their hands and knees for it. They stand before a grid on the wall, so you can check for postural deviations, such as one shoulder or hip that is higher than the other side.
However, you tell people this in advance, so they can be prepared to be dressed minimally for a short time.
Also, the nudie pictures of himself are a definite out.
Shower facilities are nice to offer, but not required. This is so a person can rinse off the lotion to allow hands to glide over the clients' body. Bubble bath is a bad idea, since you'll be soaking in lotion-laden water.
Bottom line is that this guy is no professional.
As for her husband, he moved out? Good. Change the locks. (Some people don't know when a good thing happens to them.)
Nothing like being so unbelievably gullible that you can have the unproven and intangible being used to manipulate you. (I sense such disarray in your aura, but for 50 thousand dollars, I can tune it for you.)
Patrick at September 20, 2009 7:30 AM
Spartee writes:
Spartee, yes, a massage therapist is a professional. I went through nine months of school, two months of internship, and had to pass a state board exam for my license as a massage therapist.
Please don't degrade my profession when it's apparent you don't have the slightest idea of what's involved.
Patrick at September 20, 2009 7:34 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/09/squeak-truth-to.html#comment-1668583">comment from PatrickSomebody like Patrick is absolutely a trained professional, and I would ONLY go to a massage therapist like him. The massage therapist I saw before newspapers started circling the drain went in for similarly extensive training. I had the beginnings of carpal tunnel syndrome before she started working on me. These days, I have a better keyboard and a Relax The Back chair (thanks to my boyfriend, who's always improving my life).
In 38 states, licensing for massage therapy is required. In the rest, such as Vermont, it is not.
The thing is, people will frequently say to me "The law says this!" about some column I've written. The law doesn't protect you in the moment. Common sense (far too uncommon) will. So, I advise along those lines.
Amy Alkon at September 20, 2009 7:45 AM
I wish you could upvote on here. Brian would get mine.
FD at September 20, 2009 10:37 AM
Yes, FD, Brian did write a refreshingly candid reply. That was a much needed dash in the face with icewater.
Patrick at September 20, 2009 2:17 PM
Unfortunately, the new Green movement seems to be encouraging loony believers in "energy fields", astrology, chi, Waldorf, etc.
For example, look at some of the speakers such as Caroline Casey and Queen Afua invited to speak at the latest "Green Festival":
http://www.greenfestivals.org/speaker-archive/san-francisco-2009/
How did "Green" come to be associated with "batty"?
Em at September 20, 2009 9:14 PM
I'd like to think I am a reasonably intelligent person (and obviously also wildly optimistic) but I just cannot wrap my head around this one.
Choika at September 22, 2009 5:30 PM
Should I be feeling guilty about my deep-seated desire to deal out punches, kicks and slaps to the body guy, the husband and the doormat, oops, I mean Mom? How much talk is too much before someone applies foot to ass? Seriously.
Irritable Serpent at September 25, 2009 7:44 PM
Dear Bewildered:
The bodyworker IS being inappropriate, and your (ex-)husband is insane. You are better off without them. Don't forget to take hubby to the cleaners. :-)
mpetrie98 at October 5, 2009 8:25 PM
I think I know this "body worker"/energy healer/gyrokenisis etc etc guy. New agey, tall, handsome and works out of his apartment in Sausalito, CA.
I know many women that have gone to see him only to succumb to his charm and ended up victims of terrible emotional abuse not to mention being taken advantage of financially. Women beware!
Sunny at October 30, 2009 11:08 AM
o man i just tried to download it says sorry to late not available anymore. i really wanted to read it !!!
Thomas Slavin at April 14, 2011 11:41 PM
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