Legs Wide Crossed
I've gone on more dates with this girl than I've ever had with any other girl. I've always gone out for drinks, then to a girl's place or mine for no-strings-attached sex. When I make moves on this girl, she pulls away, saying, "It's too soon." I feel our dates have been a waste. I'm ready for a relationship, and like her enough, but I'm not sure how much longer I can play the dating game without sex.
--Maxing Out
You clearly have a sex deadline and it's somewhere around the five Jack 'n Cokes mark. What's with the extension for this girl? Are you really ready for a relationship or just not ready to admit there was one that got away, and with nary a button undone? For a guy who's been on more dates with her (what, two?) than anybody he's been with, you're pretty clueless about her motivation. So what is she waiting for? Commitment, a wedding, the cows to come home? You'd better tease it out of her fast so you can decide whether you'd best be on your way. As much as you say you like her, a woman who's saving it for marriage makes a poor partner for a guy who's saving it for the alley behind the bar.
Sounds like "no strings attached" sex is only his expectation. Why else would she be saying "It's too soon," unless she means she only puts out after 8:45.
Patrick at October 20, 2009 10:53 PM
Hell, if it was clear that a guy was only ever after one night stands, *I* would hold out for a while, just to see if he was actually interested. And I've got a fairly high sexdrive and nothing against ONS.
While I agree that someone who is waiting for marriage clearly isn't a good match, she might just be waiting until there is actually an emotional connection going on instead of a loose series of dates that he hopes will lead to sex. And he doesn't come across as if he's actually into this girl at all. More like "this isn't going like it's supposed to!".
He should figure that out - and ideally without coming across as 'hey, put out or I'm gone'.
Arwen at October 21, 2009 2:55 AM
The tell is the sentence, "I feel our dates have been a waste." Isn't there something he likes about her, besides what's inside her clothes? If all the LW is interested in is casual sex, then it's been a waste of the lady's time, too. I wonder why she's putting up with him?
old rpm daddy at October 21, 2009 4:47 AM
Guy's a slut. Next!
Flynne at October 21, 2009 4:47 AM
Maybe she wants to get to know you on an intellectual level- although after reading your letter it seems like a waste of time.
Maybe the girl has good character and doesn't want you to knock off a piece and move on- leaving her emotionally bitter and taking it out on the next guy she is with.
David M. at October 21, 2009 6:16 AM
He should figure that out - and ideally without coming across as 'hey, put out or I'm gone'.
It sounds to me as if he's already figured it out, and 'hey, put out or I'm gone' is exactly what he means. He was just trying to get an advice columnist to play along. Instead he ran into Amy!
Robin at October 21, 2009 6:58 AM
This guy either has very little experience w/ women, or has only 'dated' skanks.
Maurice at October 21, 2009 8:25 AM
"I'm ready for a relationship, and like her enough"
"Enough"? Yeah that sounds like true love right there. Enough for what?
When you're too used to getting sex relatively easily from previous girls, you tend to start getting used to that as an 'expectation'. I get the feeling this one isn't going to happen.
Lobster at October 21, 2009 8:27 AM
If I'd had "no strings attached sex" with every guy I'd gone on a date with, I can't imagine how many people I'd have f*cked. God forbid a girl have some standards- or know a guy's last name- before she sleeps with him.
ahw at October 21, 2009 9:02 AM
If I thought this guy had any redeeming qualities I'd recommend he have an adult conversation with her. Like, "It's been six dates. Sex is important to me, and I'm wondering if you see us progressing to that point."
But he comes off like the type who'll tell a girl "Yeah yeah, this is a relationship" to get her to fuck him, then stop calling. So he should stick to girls with like minds.
Beth at October 21, 2009 9:28 AM
6 dates? Ok, I'm one of those girls that likes to know someone WELL before I hop into bed with them. I like the emotional connection and knowing I want them around and they want me around. I often wait MONTHS before having sex with someone.
Why? Because I'm trying to avoid ending up with someone like this LW! Because I value myself more than someone who will accept "I like her enough..." Because it's smart to know someone's history before you exchange bodily fluids and maybe carry their baby unexpectedly.
Believe me, if he's feeling that these dates are a waste of time because he hasn't gotten laid, she can sense this and he won't ever get it from her. What would be a real waste of time would be if she did have sex with him.
kjm at October 21, 2009 9:45 AM
@kjm: "Believe me, if he's feeling that these dates are a waste of time because he hasn't gotten laid, she can sense this and he won't ever get it from her."
But that's just it -- why is she still bothering to see him? There must be something that keeps her interest.
old rpm daddy at October 21, 2009 10:11 AM
They both sound really young, like around 19, and maybe she's REALLY young, like 14. It sounds like he just wants what he can't have so her only interest to him is that of a challenge. If she had sex with him, he'd lose interest right away, I bet. He doesn't know what he wants.
Chrissy at October 21, 2009 10:51 AM
old rpm daddy, free drinks.
Kendra at October 21, 2009 11:12 AM
"But that's just it -- why is she still bothering to see him? There must be something that keeps her interest."
I'm sure LW comes across a lot smoother in person than he does in this post. I doubt he's saying, "Hey honey, our dates have pretty much been a waste so far, so why don't you hurry up and put out."
Shannon at October 21, 2009 11:34 AM
@Kendra: "old rpm daddy, free drinks."
Could be. It'd depend on the drink, though. Busch Light probably wouldn't cut it.
old rpm daddy at October 21, 2009 12:02 PM
Congratulations, LW. You finally ran across a woman who doesn't view sex as a transaction. So guess what? You can't buy your way into her pants. Welcome to the real world.
Cousin Dave at October 21, 2009 12:12 PM
I am happily surprised that all of the comments see the value of waiting in a situation where the LW seems to have less than exemplary motivation. "I like her enough"? That is the definition of tepid. As for why the girl sticks around--perhaps she sees potential in him to really fall in love with her. I wouldn't hold my breath if I were her. This guy has a few more bushels of wild oats to sow in the field, so he'd better get crackin'.
a reader at October 21, 2009 2:01 PM
I really think you're going to hurt her if you stay with her-- saying that dates were a "waste" if you don't get sex is really immature.
Do the right thing and only date women who share your (lack of) values.
Dragons Are Magic at October 22, 2009 7:00 PM
LW, just go pay a hooker. You are a waste of skin. A decent woman deserves better than a pig like you.
Rozita at October 23, 2009 5:24 PM
Young Dude: Some women are a waste of time. This one is. Move on. Why was there even a fourth date? You are hurting all mankind with this drippy, glacial pursuit. After one date, if you don't feel a click, get a feeling this girl likes you a lot and digs sex, then shove off.
The last thing you want in life is trying to please a asexual woman. They will blame you, or circumstances, or their upbringing, or any number of things for their lack of sexuality. The fact is, they are duds.
Go back to the hotties.
The BOTU poops down on your insipid drivel about this obviously lost cause.
The Butthole of the Universe at October 23, 2009 8:20 PM
Not trying to bash the guy's choice in mates (if he's into the wham bam thank you ma'am by all means go for it if he can find a willing partner) but this sounds like a mismatch if I ever heard one. She's apparently not his type. If this were the woman in question writing a letter about this guy we'd be telling her not to bother trynig to change him and move on. Same applies here. Don't bother trying to change her and move on.
Danny at October 27, 2009 1:50 PM
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