Flee Infestation
My boyfriend is moving across the globe. I love him deeply, but he says he's battling commitment phobia, doesn't think I'm "the one," struggles to say "love," and doesn't have butterflies in his stomach for me anymore. Instead of breaking up now, he wants to play it by ear after he leaves. I'd do anything for him. I'm so sad he's struggling to love me back.
--Crushed
Welcome to the low-impact breakup: "Nothing comes between you and me, Babe, except maybe the world's largest body of salt water." Not to worry -- after he moves, you two'll "play it by ear." Translation: He'll gradually stop calling and blame the time difference. Or, he'll finally tell you it's over, but only when he can cut short your crying jags with "Whoops! Looks like my phone card's about to run out." Sorry for the tough love, but the guy's told you in numerous ways that there's nothing left. Even the butterflies have hit the road. You can wish things were different, but the kindest thing you can do for yourself is admit the obvious, and stop editing the writing on the wall into something a little less "I'll soon be in bed with Svetlana!"
Tough break for her. But I also somewhat pathetic that she needed to write an advice columnist for this.
"...there's nothing left," and what does it take for her to realize that? Obviously, moving the other side of the world isn't doing it. Maybe he should have told her he was selected for a mission to colonize Charon. Perhaps in the four plus hours it takes a radio transmission to travel that far, she'd get the hint.
Not the fact that this should be obvious is any excuse for him. If the yellow streak down his back were any longer, it would show up on Interstate maps. Be a man and formally break up, you craven jerk.
Patrick at December 8, 2009 6:17 PM
Wave goodbye at the airport. Go straight to bar (to drink or pick up, your choice). Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
You can love someone all you like, but if they don't return it they don't. And he doesn't. And he's too much of a wimp to admit it. Don't let him keep you as his default option to return to if he can't find something better.
Ltw at December 8, 2009 6:20 PM
Another great item name! Something about being a freshly-published author ennobles you.
Crid [CridComment @ gmail] at December 8, 2009 6:38 PM
Crid: Another great item name! Something about being a freshly-published author ennobles you.
I think you just like puns.
Patrick at December 8, 2009 6:41 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/12/flee-infestatio.html#comment-1681403">comment from Crid [CridComment @ gmail]Aww, thanks, Cridster!
Amy Alkon at December 8, 2009 6:46 PM
How many columns do you do at once? I thought it was only one a week.
Actually, these latest two are so similar you could've just linked them together. The response is going to be the same: what are you thinking?
lovelysoul at December 8, 2009 7:56 PM
Patrick if shes too dense to figure out theres nothing left the odds of her knowing where Charon is or why there is a time delay in transmissions is relativly small
lujlp at December 9, 2009 12:56 AM
lujlp writes: Patrick if shes too dense to figure out theres nothing left the odds of her knowing where Charon is or why there is a time delay in transmissions is relativly small
This is true. Charon is the largest moon of ex-planet (not be confused with Planet X) Pluto. Arguably, the two of them form a binary dwarf planet system, rather than dwarf planet and satellite, as they revolve around a common axis which neither one of them occupies. Regardless of Charon's true status, there are two other undisputed satellites of Pluto: Nix and Hydra.
The distance is why it would take at least four hours for a transmission from Charon to reach earth. Like all planets, its distance from the sun varies, but it averages around 40 AU from the sun.
Patrick at December 9, 2009 2:40 AM
Are we calling them dwarf planets? I thought it had been settled on KBO given the number they have found int the last few yrs
lujlp at December 9, 2009 2:42 AM
Sorry to say, sounds like he's gone for good, even if he didn't have the guts to come out and say it. Life's too short to spend pining away, so go find another boyfriend.
By the way, regarding the phrase, "he says he's battling commitment phobia," were those LW's words or boyfriends? Regardless, that's got to be the most weenie-like phrase I've heard all week!
old rpm daddy at December 9, 2009 4:22 AM
Pluto is both dwarf planet and KBO (Kuiper Belt Object).
Dwarf planet is simply any planetary body that is massive enough to be rounded by it's own gravity, but has not cleared its area of other incidental chunks of space rock. A Kuiper Belt Object is any space debris found in the Kuiper Belt. It's a dwarf planet by virtue of its size, and a KBO by virtue of it's location.
Patrick at December 9, 2009 4:50 AM
:sniffle: That is IT! I have been burned too many times by these Kuiper Belt objects who turn out NOT to be the planet I thought they were!!!
But do you think if I LOVE it enough and wait around for a few years, that Pluto might see that it was meant to be my planet after all?
Melissa G at December 9, 2009 5:35 AM
It looks awfully like the phrase "battling commitment phobia" was his old rpm daddy, and that one set off alarm bells for me too. Translation of course is "I can't find my balls", or just possibly also "I took too many gender studies courses at college".
Ltw at December 9, 2009 6:33 AM
The guy has to go halfway round the world to break up with her? Sheeesh. I hope she eventually realizes how much better off she is without him.
Flynne at December 9, 2009 6:50 AM
I've had more than my share of long distance relationships and I think they're unrealistic. But I've also been dumped and afterwards it always seems so obvious that I should have let it go a lot sooner, but you know what? Sometimes these things just have to play themselves out.
But, a person can help Nature along, as it were, by not dwelling on the impossible and by keeping busy with fun stuff at home: go to the symphony; go to a spa; go to an all-weekend yoga retreat; do an extra-credit project at work that's so challenging it's almost scary; catch up on all your old friends you haven't seen in a while.
I've always gotten better response from my friends when I call them and say, "I'm feeling blue because X dumped me for good. Could you possibly help me get my mind off that mo-fo by joining me at the low-budget movie tonight? My treat. I'd love to see you and find out what you've been up to."
The hard part for the dumpee at this point is not to cry on their friend's shoulder all night long. It's essential that you don't, or pretty soon all your so-called "friends" will scatter like mice the minute you walk in the door.
vi at December 9, 2009 7:41 AM
Good words, Vi. I'd recommend doing something that will make you laugh a whole lot, like going to a comedy club, or seeing a really funny movie.
old rpm daddy at December 9, 2009 8:43 AM
When he moves, don't call him. See if he calls you. Then you will have your answer.
This little test has served me well in the past.
sofar at December 9, 2009 9:08 AM
Since he won't know about the test, I'm betting he won't call. Too often, the planet that seemed so bright and close before turns dark and distant like Uranus.
SO many puns here, I couldn't resist. :)
Reality isn't usually as comfortable as our fantasies, but you're rarely disappointed.
TallDarkNGruesome at December 9, 2009 10:14 AM
This reminds me of the online chat I had with a woman the day before yesterday. It got really romantic. Maybe if I pine enough for her we'll meet in real life and get married and live happily ever after.
Thoms Fullery at December 9, 2009 1:01 PM
This reminds me of the online chat I had with a woman the day before yesterday. It got really romantic. Maybe if I pine enough for her we'll meet in real life and get married and live happily ever after.
Thoms Fullery at December 9, 2009 1:01 PM
Sorry for the double post, and I misspelled my name. Just shows that I'm so wild for her I can't think straight :)
Thomas Fullery at December 9, 2009 1:04 PM
Shouldn't that be Thomas Foolery?
Conan the Grammarian at December 9, 2009 1:08 PM
Vi is dead on...sometimes these things DO have to play themselves out so that the "what if" questions don't haunt you. Once it's dead, well, it's dead. Whether you admit it to yourself at first or not, I think that the feeling of finality is definitive and difficult to ignore for long. No one wants to be chained to a corpse, and it's not much different if you're dragging around a dead relationship and hoping that it will somehow be randomly resurrected.
Kimmy at December 9, 2009 5:11 PM
Is it me, or do most of the people who write advice columnists also have low self-esteem? These people generally would be so much better off if they just ended the relationships that they're writing about, but losing that insignificant other is somehow more horrifying to them, it seems.
mpetrie98 at December 9, 2009 9:55 PM
More horrifying than staying co-dependently glued to the loser, that is.
mpetrie98 at December 9, 2009 9:55 PM
Sadly- These two girls, this one and the one from the other column, actually are clinging to these relationships with these guys.
What's wrong with these girls?
David M. at December 10, 2009 7:13 AM
Ah the old "moving across the globe" line....personally have never heard that before, but I have a friend that has. She ran into him 2 months later at a bar and he claimed that his move, which was supposed to be for some superb job promotion, didn't work out.....funny how he was apparently able to secure the exact same apartment when he "moved back".
Crushed should crush what's left of this pathetic wimp who's so obviously keeping her around so he can feel better about himself when she begs for scraps of his attention. David M. above asks what's wrong with these girls? Clearly David, plenty, but I have to also ask, What's wrong with these men??!
mistylime at December 11, 2009 3:02 AM
I see the 5 year olds have learned how to work a computer. Idiot.
mpetrie98,
My wife works with a girl (she's 22 - I just can't call her a woman - I'll explain) who has a 1 year old daughter. The father of her child, has 3 other kids with 3 other women. She was devastated that he wasn't willing to commit to her, and be involved with thier daughter (She knew before that he had done the same thing with his other kids and thier mothers). She is now in a relationship with a guy, who is treating her bad. She is always stating that she doesn't understand why all these guys treat her bad. My wife asked her:
What is the one constant in these relationships?
This girl didn't get, that SHE was the constant. She continually enters relationships with jerks, then can't understand why they don't last. My wife asked why she felt such a need to be in a relationship. The answer?
I don't like to be alone.
She just doesn't get that she is the major contributor in the problems she has, because she is in such dire need to have someone, she takes anyone. It's sad.
E. Steven Berkimer at December 11, 2009 3:12 PM
if I was not already egaged, I think I ,might want to marry Patrick! I love smart men!
linny at December 11, 2009 4:08 PM
If your b/f says he doesn't think you're the one, take that at face value, & cut him loose. Tell him right away that you're so glad he sees this mismatch, & that you hope he has a great life overseas in his new job. Turn. Go. Do not look back. Thank your lucky stars. Go to major bookstore & find self-help book that will raise your esteem & confidence. Do not repeat past behaviour of accepting anything less than a true match.
Bluejean Baby at December 13, 2009 8:19 PM
When can be the iphone five supposed to come out? I've verizon and would like to get the new iphone when my contract expires in June, I would really prefer to find out if the i phone five is arriving out at any time in the near future, simply because if so, I would stick it out longer to have that instead of the iphone 4.
iphone 5 release date at March 2, 2011 9:29 AM
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