Making Leave Last
Why do exes always make return appearances? My ex-wife showed up at my door one night after a crisis with her husband, and two ex-girlfriends came back for a fling. Most bafflingly, a girl I really fell for (who's now married) just texted me out of the blue.
--Mystified
People always want to make something out of patterns, which sometimes have meaning but often don't. If, whenever you eat a peanut, you blow up so big somebody tries to stencil Goodyear across your side, then attach a passenger cabin, it's wise to get checked out for a peanut allergy. But, just because four of your exes reappeared, you can't make pronouncements about exes in general. If this isn't a coincidence, you're either a pushover or a guy who doesn't end things ugly. (Or, maybe you have a peanut allergy.) These women probably feel they can count on you to mess around without messing things up with the man in their life. If you don't want late-night therapy calls, get caller ID. Beyond that, what's the downside? Sure, home invasions are alarming, but maybe complain when the perp's shoving a gun in your face, not pushed-up, half-naked cleavage.
Where's the problem? I'm surprised he didn't sign himself "Stud" or "Beating Women Off With a Stick".
Ltw at January 13, 2010 2:36 AM
You're the nice fall back guy.
You're a known factor, and they can get back at their signifigant other buy having a roll in the hay with you.
You also maybe a transition guy. The guy she sleeps with to make a break from her ex, before she moves onto the next guy.
David M. at January 13, 2010 6:06 AM
Pushover, perhaps. I mean, there's a reason these women want back in, right? So figure out the reason, and if you're not comfortable with it, just tell 'em so. Who was it who said "Nobody can use you without your permission."?
Flynne at January 13, 2010 6:10 AM
It was Ann Landers who said "nobody can use you without your permission".
And this is exactly what the case is here. This LW seems to be basking in the glory of having his ex's reconnect, wanting something from him. If he is complaining about it, then he should grow a couple and tell the ex's to take a hike. And mean it. What i note is that the LW doesn't mention what he said or did when the ex's showed up. I'm betting he had his paintbrush on someone else's canvas.
Bluejean Baby at January 13, 2010 7:22 AM
Jagged Little Pill for the first letter, but for this guy it's got to be Poor, Poor Pitiful Me.
Pricklypear at January 13, 2010 7:44 AM
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937
The same would apply to no one can use you without your consent.
Jaclyn at January 13, 2010 7:49 AM
Sounds like LW has been walking around with a giant "USE ME" sign on his back, and I'm not convinced he doesn't like it.
old rpm daddy at January 13, 2010 9:30 AM
Back in the day, I had a few women who dumped me come back later thinking that if they did one nice thing for me, then they could assuage their guilt about the breakup. I always had a no-contact rule after breakup, but I fell for it once. She invited me to come stay at her uncle's beach condo, for free, while he was away. She said she'd pick me up at the airport and then take me back to the airport at the end of the stay, so I wouldn't need to rent a car.
She didn't pick me up at the airport. I had to rent a car and then go hunt up her mom so I could get the key and the alarm code. She had said we'd go to the beach one or two days, but the four days I was there, she made it a point to be unavailable and out of contact. I only saw her once, for a few minutes, while she was getting ready to go clubbing with friends (to which I was not invited).
The day of my departure, she was again out of contact, and I had to call her stepdad to take me back to the airport since I'd already turned the rental car in. That was an interesting ride; the whole way, he told me about how she was refusing to get a job (she was 29 then) and was just sponging off of them, partying at the beach all day and clubbing every night. That's when I realized that she was just using me so she could pat herself on the back for the "invite"; she had not actually put herself out for even a moment. Everything that she had "given" me was actually someone else's. If I had harbored the slightest thought about getting back together, that ended it once and for all.
The condo was really nice, though. Props to her uncle.
Cousin Dave at January 13, 2010 1:36 PM
I've had two exes pop up in the last couple of months -- an ex-boyfriend after 3-1/2 years, and an ex-husband after 20+ years.
Both have been recently dumped and are in serious need of a booty call and some ego-inflation, I'm guessing. And both had clearly mistaken me for a doormat. Rest assured, they now recognize there's a new bitch in town and they can get their pathetic... egos... stroked elsewhere.
Omnibus Driver at January 13, 2010 2:26 PM
When I was in college I had an off-again, on-again relationship with a guy who I kept taking back because the sex was good (though vanilla), in spite of his repeated attention-mongering from other women. Finally we parted, with good riddance. But every time he sees me these days, he fucking flirts with me! Screw that, you'll get no ego-stroking from this ex.
LW, I suspect your exes are doing the same thing to you. Don't give them what they want, because they won't give you a damn bit of respect.
M at January 13, 2010 5:20 PM
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