Schnapps! In The Name Of Love
My girlfriend of a year is 21, and I'm 22. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her, but there are issues. She has money problems, including $14,000 in credit card debt. Yet, she demanded I get a credit card, and when I refused, kicked me out and said we couldn't live together until I got one. But, I'm most disturbed about our night at a concert. She got really drunk, started arguing with some hippie girls, and ran off. I tried to follow, but she'd disappeared, and doesn't have a cell. I was really worried, looked all over town, and finally went to bed at 3 a.m., feeling helpless. The next day, as I was leaving to look again, the hospital called. Some Mormons brought her in after finding her passed out in the bushes. She accused me of not caring, saying she would've stayed up looking for me. Her parents blame me for her drinking, and said I'm a bad boyfriend because I wasn't there when she needed me, sleeping instead of continuing to search. Meanwhile, the last time she got drunk and disappeared, she was making out with a guy I used to work with. This is my first long-term relationship, and I need to know, who's the whack one in the concert situation: me or her?
--Blamed
As looking for love in all the wrong places goes, looking till you find it passed out in the highway underbrush, drooling on a squashed Pringles can and missing a shoe, pretty much tops the list.
This girl doesn't need a boyfriend; she needs a search party with tracking dogs -- just in case the Mormons take a night off from combing the bushes for drunks. Unless you've left out some bit about tying your girlfriend up and forcing Jack and Cokes down her throat, the one to blame here would be the party who's doing all the partying. Next in line is the party that failed to teach their little partier any sense of personal responsibility, then failed to pick her up by the scruff of the neck and drop her in rehab. Instead, they tell you it's all your fault. Right. Are you in a relationship or a scavenger hunt? You're apparently expected to go door-to-door at 3 a.m.: "Sorry for waking you, Ma'am, but I need a cup of colored sprinkles, three mothballs, one tanked, belligerent girlfriend, and $14,000 to pay off her credit card debt."
What's missing from this picture? (Besides about eight hours of her consciousness and her right shoe?) That would be any sense of remorse on her part for the worry, lost sleep, and parental berating she put you through. Of course, you don't seem to require that -- or any sign she has even a passing interest in your welfare or happiness. And you really have to ask who's the whack one? Um, that would be you. And not because you went to bed at 3 a.m. the night she set out on her wobbly 10K, but because you've been sleeping through this entire relationship. Wake up, something's burning! (That's because you're in HELL.)
You need to do two things: Get out, and don't repeat this behavior. Well, actually, do look all over town for a woman -- one who shares your values and interests and makes your life better because you're with her. In other words, no, you don't just say "Wow, she's pretty!" and call it a day, or you're liable to end up with just another pretty face -- face down in the bushes.
Spot on advice, Amy, as always. I know you tone down your columns for publication, but I hope you really let this guy have it in correspondence. This guy needs a wake up call. Then he needs to be kayoed so he can get another wake up call.
What is wrong with this guy?
I've been trying to think of a single way this girl could get any worse. She's a drunk, has no sense of personal responsibility, she cheats on him, she's got terrible credit and wants to ruin his. I have to hand it to her. She's got every base of undesirability covered. If this guy fails to dump her, it certainly isn't her fault. She did her best. And it's not hard to see where she got it from.
Run, you fool! Run! Run! And don't look back!
Aside from his cluelessness, he actually seems like a decent guy. He doesn't get conned into getting a credit card (undoubtedly so she can do to his credit what she did to her own), and he's willing to look for her all night. He's a regular Sir Galant-Head...if he would only get it out of his ass.
Patrick at January 19, 2010 5:19 PM
What the hell does it take for some people!!??
crella at January 19, 2010 5:58 PM
I imagine the world would be a much nicer place were Amy allowed to mail pipe bombs to a few of the people who write her.
lujlp at January 19, 2010 7:08 PM
lujlp I don't think allowing her to mail pipe bombs would solve the problem (if for no other reason than there is no way she has the budget to buy materials for that many bombs).
Yeah this guy needs to leave this woman and I have to say that him ending his search at 3am may be a sign that he knows he should leave her but is hesitant to do so.
Run Forest Run!!!!
Danny at January 19, 2010 8:31 PM
This LW sounds like so many of the women who have written to Amy to fix their relationships with their alcoholic/abusive/neglectful/jackass boyfriends. Amy's advice: choose better. And so is the case here, I think.
"I fell in love with her the moment I saw her"
Um, no, dude, you didn't. You liked the look of her, decided she would be a good choice for your first real relationship, and proceeded to manufacture a personality for her that fit accordingly. Danny's right, he sounds like he knows all of this but is loathe to actually end the relationship and start over with someone else (or several someone elses, as it seems he could use some experience just dating, as opposed to long-term). People do say relationships take work, but the maintenance this woman takes is not in your pay grade. Mommy and Daddy think you're a bad boyfriend? Tell them they won't have to worry about you anymore and can have Princess all to themselves.
NumberSix at January 19, 2010 9:34 PM
Since LW says this is his first real relationship, I'd be willing to cut him some slack on this one. As Patrick says, he does sound like a nice guy.
The trouble is, this nice guy sounds like he thinks he's supposed to take more responsibility for her behavior and welfare than she will. She's clearly got serious problems, and she'll get better only if she really wants to. I don't remember where I read or heard it, but somebody once said that you can't love somebody into sanity, and the earlier you understand that, the better.
Dude, you've got to leave now, and I don't mean maybe. You're not responsible for this girl's actions no matter what she or her folks say. You don't have the power to fix her problems, and from your letter, she's perfectly willing to drag you down with her. Repeat over and over again until you've internalized it: I can do better than this. I can do better than this. I can do better than this...
old rpm daddy at January 20, 2010 4:09 AM
If you even need to ask if you are the one with the problem then yes. Yes you are. You're problem is naivete, cluelessness, and blind lust. If you don't know that you should RUN LIKE HELL from this girl and her whole seventh circle of crazy hell then you have more problems that you know.
Get. Out. Now.
Period.
Leave her to her parents and let them deal with her. Better yet, just leave her. What happens to her is HER fault. Not yours. You should feel no guilt over what happens to her. It is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. I know it sounds cold and uncaring but you can't help her.
If anyone should feel guilt, it is her parents for not teaching her how to be a responsible adult.
Sabrina at January 20, 2010 6:24 AM
Personally, I'd see how much over $14K I could raise that debt before they cut off her card.
And then I'd dump her ass.
Razor at January 20, 2010 6:55 AM
Is there an echo in here? Because I'm echoing what everyone else has posted so far. Run, LW, RUN! Run far, run fast. Do NOT look back.
Flynne at January 20, 2010 6:57 AM
the one to blame here would be the party who's doing all the partying
Amy, you kill me sometimes - nice line. But it's true, it's her problem to fix. And I say that as someone with a long term problem with alcohol. But I never did anything like this to anyone, and I've never blamed anyone else for it - that's disgusting.
I stopped being objective when I read this
I fell in love with her the moment I saw her
I hope you rammed the point home in correspondence what garbage that is.
Ltw at January 20, 2010 7:07 AM
"I've been trying to think of a single way this girl could get any worse."
That's easy. She figures out she's got a sucker on the line. So she gets pregnant, to make him marry her.
bradley13 at January 20, 2010 7:35 AM
Jesus H. Christ on a stick, as Rachel Lucas would say. Dude, this gal doesn't need you; what she needs is a nice cozy institutional bed and a straitjacket. You know why her parents are scolding you? Because they're looking for a sucker to dump their crazy daughter on! The sex can't possibly be that good. And even if it is, you can go to Reno and get that a lot cheaper.
Have we made the point? No? Then here this: you can do much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much better.
Cousin Dave at January 20, 2010 8:20 AM
Having graduated from the school of cluelessness myself, I try to have some sympathy for guys who try and niceguy their way into a relationship. By the time some woman responds to this tactic, you are usually dealing with desperation, whack-jobs, alcoholics, druggies, and just plain 'ol emotional train wrecks. Or all of the above.
The poor guy probably thinks that his worry over her, and the drama she's put him through are getting the job done as a substitute for genuine affection and caring.
They aren't. I 2nd one of the comments above Amy - I hope you *really* let him have it in correspondence. Maybe this one can be saved.
railmeat at January 20, 2010 8:20 AM
I was once as stoooopid as the LW. I stuck it for almost 6 months, thinking that I should be supportive / help her through her problems etc etc.
Turns out I couldn't, and I shouldn't have tried.
LW should get out before she burns his credit rating, blames him for her getting raped (the next time she passes out in a dark public place) and generally destroys his life.
JH at January 20, 2010 9:14 AM
She must be one honking hot roll in the hay though. That does make up for a lot. Still, at age 22, our LW can do better. It's only older guys who have to put up with poor behavior like that, in order to have young girlfriends.
Mr Short Dick at January 20, 2010 9:28 AM
LW,
what you need to do, is, stand in front of her, and raise your staff, and yell "You shall not pass!!" and then crack her credit card in two. After that... Fly, you fool!
And you need to do those things soon, before people start singing a song of lamentation for you. I haven't the heart to translate it, though. The grief is still too fresh...
Chronotrigger at January 20, 2010 9:49 AM
The LW probably wouldn't know what to do with a girl that was nice to him. Low self-esteem strikes again!
Chrissy at January 20, 2010 1:47 PM
Your most perfect work in my reading.
Suki at January 20, 2010 7:24 PM
I've seen men in this situation who throw their hands up, thinking this is the way all women behave. This is not the way all women behave. This chick is crazy. Move on.
MonicaP at January 20, 2010 7:37 PM
MonicaP is right.
But, if she is doing the taxes of your best friend, make sure you get his file back before dumping her.
Suki at January 20, 2010 8:17 PM
Chrissy, you are absolutely right.
Cousin Dave at January 20, 2010 8:25 PM
LW, you need to get your hands on a copy of Dr. Laura's TEN STUPID THINGS MEN DO. You are there, filed under STUPID.
I know. Been there; done that.
Crazy women like that can create problems somewhere between ten and one hundred times faster than you can fix them.
I communicate with men who are disgruntled with women in the Anglosphere. They often know there are good women in the Anglosphere, but they realize they can't tell the difference and the cost of a mistake is simply not tolerable with the divorce laws. So, they seek foreign wives thinking they are all going to be saints. hee, hee.
I tell them the problems are the same. If you marry a woman in Mexico, the laws give you some protection against the craziest ones, but it is better to test; test; test. The cost of a mistake is much less, but it can still be unpleasant.
Some men say they imported a wife, and she destroyed him. I tell them when a FW's family is really enthused you are going to marry her, this is a danger sign, RUN!
When she turns out to be totally insane, it will be a surprise to you, but not to her family. They and the neighbors all knew what you were getting. You were the only one who didn't. As you crossed the border with her, they were singing the Mexican equivalent of THANK GOD AND GREYHOUND SHE'S GONE.
I remember a few years ago, my wife's cousin, who was known as the laziest woman in town, was helped to find a NA husband by Internet.
There are no easy answers. No matter where you go, no matter which set of laws you marry under, you gotta' be smarter than a rock.
irlandes at January 20, 2010 10:06 PM
you gotta' be smarter than a rock
And therein lies the problem with dating these days.
NumberSix at January 20, 2010 10:12 PM
"you gotta' be smarter than a rock"
But not like a really big rock, like a boulder or something, right? Because otherwise I'm pretty smart. And I want to have some hope, you know?
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at January 20, 2010 11:35 PM
But not like a really big rock, like a boulder or something, right? Because otherwise I'm pretty smart.
I think we'll need some empirical evidence to support that. What d'ya say, Trivial Pursuit showdown? Winner gets a date with a "celebrity?" Is this already being done on VH1?
NumberSix at January 20, 2010 11:49 PM
If he met a sane girl, maybe he would think there was something wrong with her for liking him. Maybe he doesn't want to belong to any club that wants him as a member.
NicoleK at January 21, 2010 6:59 AM
Oh my.. run lw, run far and fast and don't look back. She is not worth your worry! She won't be ready for a relationship with anyone until she develops a bettr relationship with her self. You're 22 - leave her for some old guy who can afford a hot young gold-digger.
tori at January 21, 2010 10:20 AM
If these 2 were older I would wonder if he was dating an old friend of mine. She was famous for creating problems for herself and then blaming everyone else. LW this girl needs help, and not the kind you can provide. What she needed was for mommy and daddy to step up to the plate when she was younger and show her some discipline. THATS NOT YOUR JOB!!!!!! I'm with everyone else-get out while the getting is good and don't turn around!! She needs a therapist and a credit counselour-not a boyfriend.
hisprincess at January 21, 2010 10:25 AM
Chronotrigger,
Nice LotR reference. Should be in the other post that has turned into a D&D reference guide.
This guy needs to grow a set, kick her out, and stay the hell away from that nutbag.
E. Steven Berkimer at January 21, 2010 11:48 AM
She's 21 and is telling her parents about their relationship problems?? What does he think would happen if they ended up married? Even if she wasn't a drunk and debtor at that young age, the fact that she drags her parents into their "issues" is another massive red flag. Who wants in-laws who are up in your private business?
Of course, I would have dumped a partner who disappeared in drunken binges long before it got to this point, but then again, I'm somewhat sane.
Peggy C at January 21, 2010 12:48 PM
***Her parents blame me for her drinking, and said I'm a bad boyfriend because I wasn't there when she needed me, sleeping instead of continuing to search.***
And here, America, is what is wrong with you. Perpetuating a generation of imbecile half-wits on the backs of your white trash parenting (and shrugging off all responsibility in the meantime).
Have a blast. See you at Wal-mart.
Ian at January 21, 2010 6:57 PM
I tend to agree with everything Ian (just above) said. Also, it worries me that so many people are willing to accept such low-life behaviour in their partners. What is wrong with people? It's better to be alone than to be in such a dysfunctional relationship, and the LW has spent a whole year with this loser. It's time to move on, bud.
Bluejean Baby at January 21, 2010 7:50 PM
Amy, do you ever hear from these people about what they do after you reply to them with your advice? I so hope this guy wrote you back and told you that he followed your advice and kicked this super-loser to the curb.
Patrick at January 22, 2010 8:37 AM
Are you kidding? She sounds like such a catch. What he really should do is get married to her and have some kids. That way, when she goes on a bender, the parents can call and blame the toddler for not hiding the Cutty Sark, just for variety.
We accept the love we think we deserve (or think we can't do any better than). I'd love to know what this guy's rationale for staying is-at least she's not trying to actively murder him (yet?)?
Choika at January 22, 2010 9:18 AM
Sometimes there are nagging little signs that your partner might not be long-term material. Here there aren't nagging little signs, there are huge screaming neon-lit signs with sirens. I don't care how hot she is or how good the sex is --- get out, ASAP, don't waste your early 20s on trash.
Lobster at January 22, 2010 1:48 PM
On your way out the door, be a champ and give the little lady the name of a good rehab facility. Tell her to call you when she's been clean for a year and has paid off all her debt. Might give her something to work toward. Then you can tell her you're proud of her but are otherwise involved.
Maryanne at January 23, 2010 6:10 AM
At least he's young, and has time to dump her, learn from the experience and grow up. My brother dated a few whack-jobs before he found his present sensible, beautiful and intelligent wife. It's when one's on the third or fourth alcoholic significant other that the situation begins to look like something only brain surgery or ten years of therapy will fix.
nerdlover at January 29, 2010 2:33 PM
Sounds to me like she's an alcoholic (I work in the rehab field). Her parents are looking for anyone to blame but her and themselves. You're it.
My advice - find out treatment options and give her an ultimatum. Either she gets treatment for her addiction (an assessment will tell you whether she needs in patient or out patient treatment) and gets her life in order. If she doesn't, cut off all ties with her.
Your sanity and financial future depend on it. BEFORE she purposely gets herself knocked up by you in order for you to pay her way.
AKchic at April 21, 2010 3:10 PM
Who's the wack? The question should be who's the oblivious idiot? That would be you. If she drinks that much then obviously she needs help.
Get her some help and then get out. She's not worth your efforty.
P.S. when you leave be sure to let her parents know that there slut of a daughter is now single and that they can be sure to post an add in the paper for a mail-order boyfriend.
panikkrazy at April 29, 2010 11:15 AM
Leave a comment