The Dark Side Of The Spoon
I've been on and off all year with a guy who'd just ended a 10-year relationship. He always acted skittish about getting attached. After two months apart, we started seeing each other again last week. He's suddenly saying stuff like "I just want to hold you." Is this a sign he wants a serious relationship?
--Hopeful
A Florida woman sold her grilled cheese sandwich on eBay for $28,000 after spotting the Virgin Mary on it -- well, how the Virgin Mary might look as played by Charlize Theron in a trench coat and a finger wave. People manage to see whatever's meaningful to them, whatever tells the story that makes them feel good. You, for example, have a week of "I just want to hold you," and never mind that year of "I just want to hold you at arm's length." Yank off your hope-colored glasses, and let time tell you what's what: whether he spent two months thinking about what you mean to him -- or two seconds coming up with a cuddly spin on "With this much tequila in me, you'll be lucky to get a firm hug."
Hahahaha - great answer, Amy! Amazing yet again, that these days and ages, this woman STILL does not know what kind of a dickhead some men can be, forgetting all about the anguish & pain he caused her the great majority of time, yet comes back wanting a hug (and wanting sex). She should practice in the mirror, then tell him to take a flying leap... out of her life, then sign up for confidence building night school classes, as she so obviously needs this before moving on to a relationship where - oh my god - the man actually respects, wants, & loves her.
Bluejean Baby at January 26, 2010 8:06 PM
I just want to hold you.
Lines like that make me want to shower with Lava soap and a scouring pad.
NumberSix at January 26, 2010 8:34 PM
I've said it before and I'll say it again "Sometimes a big dick is just that."
Flynne at January 27, 2010 5:24 AM
Flynne: haha!
LW: Next?
other Beth at January 27, 2010 5:40 AM
Here's a possibility. Since I work in an STD office- we always advise our patients to wait 1 week before having sex if they have contracted gonorrhea or Chlamydia and are taking the antibiotics to get rid of it.
He comes back after 2 months and just wants to hold you? He sounds like a skirt hound who may not want to give you something.
David M. at January 27, 2010 6:38 AM
What does "I've been on and off all year" really mean?
We've been going out once a week, then he suddenly disappeared for two months? We've been going out about once a month and not at all last month? Either way, it sounds like he's not very interested.
MarkD at January 27, 2010 7:00 AM
The poor LW calls herself "Hopeful." The situation she describes sounds anything but. David M's suggestion sounds a little sinister, but who knows? In any case, the dude sounds like he's wasting LW's time, which is only possible if she lets him.
old rpm daddy at January 27, 2010 7:03 AM
I can't possibly be the only woman on the planet who takes what a man says and does literally.
Men are not women. They're generally pretty clear on what they want/what they're willing to do. It seems to be women who read too much into it.
And, as always, actions speak louder than words. His say he's just using her when he hasn't got anything better to do.
Ann at January 27, 2010 7:28 AM
Hmmm... "I just want to hold you"... I'm sorry. I always thought that loosely translated into, "I'm gay but can't admit it to myself yet."
sheepmommy at January 27, 2010 11:09 AM
Yeah, I'd hear "I just want to hold you" as "Because I don't want to f*ck you." But maybe that's just me and my unromantic ways . . .
anathema at January 27, 2010 12:05 PM
Oh, snap. An old friend got drunk and admitted that he often fantasizes about me, but later qualified it by saying, "When I'm actually in your presence, I don't want to have sex with you, I just want to hold you." I figured that was some bullshit he came up with to make it less awkward for us to hang out (we're both married). But now, the LW's got me thinking maybe he's madly in love with me.
I'm with, well, pretty much everyone else. "I just want to hold you" is often jerkspeak for either the unspoken "...because physically, you don't do it for me" or "...is what I know you want to hear, so I'll say it before I slip you my cock."
Beth at January 28, 2010 12:07 PM
Chick flicks are ruining the youth of today. or something curmudgeonly along those lines. I think there should be a warning shown at the beginning of any chick flicks, similar to those say for example shown before we can enjoy South Park. I'd suggest 'Not exactly as illustrated', or 'Please be aware that this is a fantasy', or 'The male characters in this movie actually spring from the minds of 5 year old girls playing house'.
And now I'm going to walk across the rainbow outside my window to visit my pet unicorn.
Chrissy at January 29, 2010 9:32 AM
Leave the LW alone! Maybe he has awoken from a lifestyle of debauched depravity (starting with his childhood on the streets of Calcutta selling his body to support his family's opium addiction)and has just realized true love really exists in the world. He may have finally realized that she is "THE ONE" but doesn't know how to be intimate any more and is just now taking tentative steps toward learning how to make her eternally happy, which is his fervent desire. Don't be so mean, she should give him years and years of chances to overcome his personal issues, and she will some day have the man of her dreams!
Thidwick at January 29, 2010 1:17 PM
Let's see....He sees her only when he has no one and nothing better to do. "I just want to hold you," he says. What the hell does that even mean?
When a man really wants a woman, the woman doesn't have to ask The Advice Goddess about it. It's as plain as day. If she wants him too, it's love. If she doesn't, he's a stalker. He doesn't disappear for two months and it isn't "on and off" for a year.
Rozita at January 29, 2010 4:49 PM
Rozita, you are right. Someone whose boyfriend wants to be with her does not need to write an advice columnist to clarify their relationship. Like maybe they were in love and she somehow missed it? To me, the "I just want to hold you" is his way of skipping over all that messy apology and explanation stuff. No need to prostrate yourself in contrition if your woman melts at a line like that.
NumberSix at January 29, 2010 5:21 PM
I'm with, well, pretty much everyone else. "I just want to hold you" is often jerkspeak for either the unspoken "...because physically, you don't do it for me" or "...is what I know you want to hear, so I'll say it before I slip you my cock.
Beth, speaking as someone who has used the line in both senses, you are absolutely correct. I'm reformed now - it doesn't work anyway I discovered, either to put off the ones you're not interested in or attract the ones you are, so screw it, assertiveness time from now on. You can tell the difference by the next move. In scenario 1, nothing other than a careful hug with contortions to avoid naughty bits contact. In scenario 2, it should be followed by "don't mind my erection, it's automatic I can't help it", then "it really is nice to hold you", then optionally (depending on the level of response generated so far) "it's hard to think straight with you so close to me", then finally "can you lift your hips so I can get your panties off?"
It's the passive aggressive approach to sex - make them think they made the decision...
Ltw at January 30, 2010 1:46 AM
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