The Hide Of Romance
A woman I was dating "couldn't handle a relationship," but we later became "friends with benefits," and ended up growing closer. I'm happy, but want our friendship to be like other friendships: have mutual friends, etc. However, she's "too embarrassed to explain our relationship to people." Last week, I told her it's important for me to feel included in the lives of people in my life. She acted offended and hasn't spoken to me since.
--Distressed
This girl made it clear how far she was willing to go with you -- all the way, just not all the way outside. You agreed to that, then got a glint in your eye and tried to upsell her. She again made it clear that she just wants the basic sex-only plan. It doesn't matter that having more is important to you. Extending yourself for what's important to your partner is relationship territory. That's territory you can get into -- that is, if you're up for the hard work required to find a woman who wants you to take her to fancy restaurants, meet all her friends, and bond with her cat before she'll be ready to use you for sex.
Free sex with no strings or attachments? Are you sure a guy actually wrote this?
Men are far more emotional then we let on, but still, what the hell is he complaining about.
I can think of a couple of exs who I would have loved never having to deal with their friends.
Sounds like he killed the golden p, er um, goose
lujlp at January 5, 2010 10:34 PM
I dunno, "friends with benefits" might not be the right phrase. She doesn't sound all that friendly to me. When she says she's "too embarrassed to explain our relationship to people" it sounds a lot like she doesn't want to be seen with him. I suspect there might be more going on in this girl's life than the LW knows about, and he might not like it if he knew. But people have to deal with things the way they are, not the way they'd like them to be. Wishing her to be someone else is counterproductive. Finding someone else might be more worth LW's time.
old rpm daddy at January 6, 2010 3:51 AM
Yeah, I think old rpm daddy's got it right. There's something going on with the girl that just ain't right. LW should think about moving on.
Flynne at January 6, 2010 5:45 AM
No argument with your advice Amy - but as an aside I wonder at a woman who is "too embarrassed to explain our relationship to people." What's to explain? "This is my (significant pause if you like) friend xxx, I met him at (made up story here) and invited him along" would be fine, you don't have to explain every detail of your life to everyone. When the girlfriends start prying for gossip just laugh it off.
Of course, old rpm daddy may be right and she is either embarrassed to be seen with him or has something else going on. But it's quite possible she is just neurotic that her friends will see the big flashing "fuck-buddy" sign she imagines is over his head - in which case maybe there is a reachable compromise, if he promises to act as a friend while with her friends (no touching, etc).
I knew a couple who met while working at a bank who dated, went out for a few years, and got married - and no one at work knew anything about it until the day they walked in wearing rings and announced it.
Ltw at January 6, 2010 5:51 AM
Slight adjustment of your recommendation Flynne from a male perspective - he should abjectly apologise, accept her conditions, and keep the no strings sex whilst looking for someone to move on with :)
Ltw at January 6, 2010 5:56 AM
My guess: She likes sexing him up. But she is (or was, anyway) embarassed about his appearance or social status, and because she does not want her friends/family looking down on her for dating below her presumed social status, she hides him.
Spartee at January 6, 2010 7:33 AM
Heheheh. Sounds like a plan to me, Ltw. Who's evil? heheheh.
But she is (or was, anyway) embarassed about his appearance or social status, and because she does not want her friends/family looking down on her for dating below her presumed social status, she hides him.
Yep, that's a possibility, Spartee. And if that is the case, the sooner the LW moves on, the better, no?
Flynne at January 6, 2010 7:47 AM
Yet to be determined which of us is the more evil Flynne - sadly I've never been in this situation. If it ever comes up I'll let you know whether I could actually go through with it :)
Agree completely that if she really is embarrassed by him (for whatever reason), he should leave now, do not pass go, do not collect $200. If it's something else, maybe there's middle ground somewhere.
Ltw at January 6, 2010 8:14 AM
I'm w/ Spartee. It's one thing to conceal the fact that you're sleeping with someone, but to not let them meet your friends suggests that she's embarrassed.
Or it could be that she's seeing someone else, or hopes to be, and doesn't want people to know that he's in the picture.
In any case, I'd cut her loose.
Manny at January 6, 2010 8:19 AM
When I was selected on Pig Night at the Om Moni Padre Sigma sorority to cover my face with the Brown Paper Bag of Honor, I thought "Hey, the prom queen is really into me! We're going to her room! I'm in love!".
Unfortunately, although we dented her headboard, she just wouldn't go anywhere else with me, and I had to learn to accept that. It was two years of sheer hell, hot sex with a beauty queen and no dating expenses. Just awful.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at January 6, 2010 8:47 AM
I don't think there's anything nefarious going on, or even that she's embarrassed about him. I think, perhaps, y'all are missing the big phrase - she does NOT want a relationship. Meeting people's friends, having them meet yours - that's relationship territory. Personally, I think that's all there is to it - she doesn't want a relationship with this guy and is resisting all of his attempts to lure her into one.
Anne at January 6, 2010 8:48 AM
LW did quote the girl as saying she's "too embarrassed to explain our relationship to people."
That's where I got embarrassment idea.
Robin at January 6, 2010 10:09 AM
I think she's married, didn't tell him and can't introduce him to her friends bc they will rat her out. She doesn't want a relationship bc she already has one.
MizB at January 6, 2010 10:34 AM
No, you're right, Robin, she herself said she'd be embarrassed (though not by him, per se). I just chalked it up to her trying to come up with something why she didn't want to introduce him to her friends without being so cold-hearted as to say "I don't want to be your friend, I just want to eff you."
MizB, I didn't think about that, but that's ENTIRELY possible. You may be right.
Anne at January 6, 2010 11:26 AM
Seems pretty clear to me that in her mind there is one place and one place only this guy belongs - in her bed.
She doesn't want him infiltrating any other aspect of her life, and I take the "embarrassed" comment not to mean she is embarrassed about him, but that she doesn't want others to know about their activities because she is staying open to other dating/relationship possibilities. He doesn't get this and trying to weasel his way into other aspects of her life/upgrade his status. Once someone has determined your place in their life it really is useless to try to force them into change regardless of how open or subtle you are about it.
When are people going to start taking others at their word rather than reassigning new meaning to it?
kjm at January 6, 2010 3:45 PM
KJM there's no indication that she'd set out the conditions you're assuming have been established. They'd dated, are now just sleeping together, and he'd like to be able to hang out socially.
Many are reading this as an attempt to weasel or up-sell, but they're also assuming that these two had an explicit discussion regarding the nature of their relationship and have written up a contract or something. That doesn't seem to be the case.
It could just be that he wants to have a normal friendship, like you'd expect adults to be able to do.
Momo at January 6, 2010 5:03 PM
I think it's interesting that they were "dating" and that they broke up and then (by my reading of it) became "friends with benefits".
Sounds to me like she didn't want to be together with this bloke, broke things off, told friends she'd broken things off and started trying to move on; then realised (as so many do) that she still had some residual feelings for the bloke she'd been seeing and decided to indulge.
I've done this before - and it's been done to me before. Sounds like there's nothing more sinister going on than that she's having a job fully disengaging from the previous relationship, even though she's told her friends - and herself - that she is doing exactly that.
donald at January 7, 2010 4:31 AM
Note, also, that as they did date before they became "friends with benefits", that this girl isn't all that highly likely to be married to someone else.
It's not like she's some random he just happened across and so knows nothing about - this is someone he was previously in a relationship with. Or, so he says.
donald at January 7, 2010 4:55 AM
I'm the LW. Definitely appreciated all the advice and feedback- I've since moved on and feel much better about myself.
Something that was particularly difficult and confusing for me in the situation was that we were friends with benefits, but there were so many 'romantic' type things going on it gave me the impression that things were 'evolving' into an actual relationship. The terms of our relationship weren't cut and dry; she really wasn't sure where it was going or whether it would turn into a true relationship.
The mistake I made was waiting for her to make up her mind. Life is too short to sit around waiting on people who do not know what they want. There are plenty of women out there that know exactly what they want, and whether I do or do not suit them.
LW at January 7, 2010 1:47 PM
From LW...
"Something that was particularly difficult and confusing for me in the situation was that we were friends with benefits, but there were so many 'romantic' type things going on it gave me the impression that things were 'evolving' into an actual relationship."
Is this what you wanted to believe OR reality? Her actions tell all.
techie at January 7, 2010 2:07 PM
there were so many 'romantic' type things going on it gave me the impression that things were 'evolving' into an actual relationship. The terms of our relationship weren't cut and dry; she really wasn't sure where it was going or whether it would turn into a true relationship.
LW - I've been there...some people really deserve the title 'Queen of Mixed Signals'. Glad to hear you've moved on, and I hope the frank and fearless advice around here helped and wasn't hurtful (speaking for myself, I get carried away with the smartass remarks occasionally). I'm sure everyone here has screwed up from time to time, best of luck finding the right girl!
Ltw at January 8, 2010 2:17 AM
Something that was particularly difficult and confusing for me in the situation was that we were friends with benefits, but there were so many 'romantic' type things going on it gave me the impression that things were 'evolving' into an actual relationship.
Or was it that those things were simply left over from the period that you were dating?
Anne de Vries at January 8, 2010 5:17 AM
Sounds like he's better off without her.
mpetrie98 at January 8, 2010 8:23 PM
Actually, Old RPM Daddy, it seems to me that it's not that she's embarrassed to be seen with him, just that she's embarrassed about being thought of as a slut for having a sex-only relationship. I know that if it were me (and it never would be) I wouldn't introduce someone I was simply having sex with to family and friends because they'd ask all kinds of questions about the relationship. It doesn't mean she has a weird issue, she's just protecting herself and her reputation. Nothing wrong with that.
Scooch at January 15, 2010 3:48 PM
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