I'm seriously considering breast augmentation. I had nice boobs (Cs) 60 pounds ago. I really miss them. My boyfriend says not to get implants for him; he likes me as I am. I'm doing this for me. I'm tired of bras that don't fit (straps too short, cups too close), and I really want a bikini-worthy bod. What do men think of implants? I'm not talking about going majorly top-heavy; I just want balance.
--Deflated
To your credit, you aren't hoping to achieve "balance" by having a couple of bowling balls inserted. No, you're thinking more along the lines of "Zen and the Art of Bolting Two Tennis Balls to Your Chest."
It's understandable, after weight training and Weight Watcher-ing yourself down to where you can wear a bikini instead of using it for an eye shield, that you'd like to fill it with "nice boobs." According to hundreds of comments from men on my blog and elsewhere, those are probably the ones you have, even if they are on the small side. The consensus? Bought breasts tend to feel hard and unnatural, and (eeuw!) a bit cold to the touch. Sure, some guys love big honkers so much, they don't mind if they're fake. And, even guys who don't like fake'uns will tell you they can look pretty boobtacular in a sweater. But, when they're naked or peeking out from triangles of Lycra, they tend to look freaky and make guys wonder what's wrong with you that you felt compelled to hire somebody to slit you open and insert sandwich baggies of salt water or silicone.
How much time, exactly, do you spend in a bikini? Got a day job traveling to convention centers and sitting on top of cars? Is your workstation a greased pole? Keep in mind that all surgery has risks. Just ask the Argentinean model who went under the knife to get a little extra junk in the trunk. Oh, sorry -- you can't because, in the words of her friend Robert Piazza, she's a woman who "had everything" but "lost her life to have a slightly firmer behind."
You're unlikely to die getting a little more junk in the top bunk, but you may suffer complications like a buildup of scar tissue, which can cause painful tissue contraction and -- whoops! -- deformed breasts. Mmmm, sexy! And then, like toupees and car tires, implants eventually need to be replaced. Maybe every 10 years; maybe more often if you're one of the lucky ones who springs a leak. (Are we having funbags yet?)
Given the potential costs of breast augmentation, you might first try bra augmentation. Maybe even see a breast psychic. Okay, there's no such thing, but the little old Eastern European ladies at bra specialty stores come close. You can walk in bundled up like Nanook of the North, and Ludmilla will march over, bark your size at you (the size you really wear, not the size you think you wear), and strap and cup you until you almost believe somebody at the gym turned in what you lost on the treadmill.
Still find yourself yearning for a surgeon's touch? Do your homework, and be sure you can accept the worst-case scenarios; for example, how the advice by flight attendants -- "Use caution when opening overhead compartments. Objects may shift in flight" -- applies to those considering implants, which can also become displaced. In other words, if you buy yourself new boobs, you're sure to have guys ogling them, but possibly just from the rear.
I went out with this guy once; then he went away for three weeks, and we e-mailed and phoned constantly. Last night, he took me to dinner, and it was weird and awkward. Should I text him to say "that felt really weird"?
--Honest
Nothing takes the weird and awkward out of dating like sending a guy a typed statement about how weird and awkward you found your date. He's sure to be inspired to look to the future with you, a la "Are you free Friday around 8? How about you go out with some other guy?" As for your stilted evening, maybe he's seeing somebody else and feeling guilty; maybe it was hard reconciling the phone you and the in-person you; maybe his tighty-whities were riding up. If he calls again, you might steer your next date to someplace there's bigger action than the two of you -- a hike, an arcade, an intellectual amusement park (aka a museum). If he doesn't call, you could text him -- as if by accident -- with one of those form messages that came with your phone. "In a meeting"? Confusing, yes, but a better way to say "call me!" than "Had a really crappy time. Looking forward to many more crappy times in the future."
February 16, 2010I had a disturbing conversation with this older married woman at a party. She asked my boyfriend how long we've been together (two years). Before he went to get us drinks, he made a crack about how different our apartments are. The moment he was out of earshot, she turned and lectured me that if you don't live together, you don't experience "really hating each other," and that getting through that is "the triumph of true love." I said I didn't see it that way, and that we might never live together. She then snapped that perhaps I'll someday "grow up and have a real relationship!" Well, my boyfriend and I love each other, but don't see moving in together as an automatic next step. By living separately, are we really missing out on some higher level of relationship?
--Naive?
The course of true love doesn't always run smooth, but must it really run around the house waving a frying pan and screaming obscenities?
People romanticize living in close proximity to other human beings. The truth is, humans are smelly, annoying, and leak a lot. They're often lazy and pick fights over the littlest things. Anybody who's ever been around another human knows this, but for many, being in a grown-up relationship involves understanding human nature but living in total denial of it: expecting your partner to still look longingly at you when you pick dead skin off your toes and collect it in a little dish.
Mrs. Socrates here wears her misery like a Girl Scout badge -- whichever one they'd give you for spending decades sitting silently across from your supposedly beloved at Denny's. The reality? Maybe she's a little long in the tooth and light in the Botox to compete with the hot young things in bars. Maybe she only feels like somebody as Mrs. Somebody. And, chances are, it never occurred to her that there's an alternative to living like two hens in a pen. But, there's no going back now, only snarling at happy young women at parties that they, too, might someday experience "the triumph of true love." Which, for her, plays out as "Never go to bed angry. Stay up and try to commit murder-suicide."
Sure, many couples prefer living together, or, in this economy, prefer it to living separately in their cars. And, if you have kids, it's best if you can say "Wait till your father gets home" instead of "I'll give your father a call and see what he's doing tonight." If you do end up living together, it helps if you each have a room of your own, where house rules don't apply -- providing you don't break any marriage vows or fire laws. Of course, it helps even more if you're both exceedingly easygoing, lobotomized, or comatose.
The reality is, you greet a guy way differently when you've had a chance to miss him than when he's always there missing the toilet. Living apart also means you're more likely to act like you're still in the pursuit phase: trying to be witty and interesting and dressing suggestively when he comes over, and not in a way that suggests you're halfway through cleaning out the garage. As for Mrs. S's notion that you can hate your way to true love, researcher John Gottman found that expressions of contempt are actually the most poisonous to a relationship. In other words, the path to true love might be a bit of a drive: whatever it takes so your boyfriend isn't always in your face, doing whatever it is you'd gnaw off your right hand to have him stop doing -- like breathing, chewing, and having large pores.
Thanks to your column, I'm a recovering wimp, now asking women out. So, any pointers for first dates? Dinner or drinks? Things to avoid doing or saying?
--Girlfriend-Seeking
For best results, sell yourself like soap. When Procter & Gamble wants you to try a new laundry detergent, they mail you a little packet of the stuff; they don't throw a two-gallon jug over your fence and kill your dog. Likewise, the point of the first date is seeing if it makes sense to go on a second date, not letting a girl know how ashamed you were when you wet the bed at sleepaway camp. Too much emotional intimacy right away can feel creepy in retrospect. Or, you run the risk of getting attached first, then finding out how wrong a girl is for you later. To avoid going into overtime, overspend, and overshare, make the first date cheap, local, and short. Meet for a drink, for maybe an hour and a half. Have something you have to rush off to afterward. Even if it's just a conference call at your place. With your hamster listening in on the extension.
February 9, 2010Are we fighting human nature in trying to be monogamous? I'm dating a guy I dated five years ago. Back then, he was sexually inexperienced. Now that he's been around the block, he totally disagrees with monogamy and wants us to have a sexually open relationship. I'm very open-minded and have no problem with people in these relationships, but know they're not for me. We can't discuss the issue because he gets so defensive and riled up, civil conversation is impossible. He accuses me of looking down on him and finding him "disgusting," which I don't. He almost has me convinced that the only successful relationships are the open ones, and that I'm one of a minority of people who want monogamy.
--Turned Around
Yes, the suburbs are just teeming with wives calling to their husbands as they're going out the door for work, "Honey, want me to TiVo your dinosaurs thing in case your sex date runs long?"
Actually, it seems clear that vast numbers of people are having sex with somebody other than their partner or spouse. They just do it behind that person's back, as did the then-married Newt Gingrich, probing Clinton about lying about l'affaire Lewinsky -- when Gingrich wasn't too busy probing his naked congressional aide. Other married cheaters will roll out of a motel room bed, then snarl about how horrible and disgusting it is for other consenting adults to have sexually open relationships: those where partners honestly confront the fairytale notions that one person can meet another person's every need; that two people can remain together "till death do us part," and not get to the point where keeping the spark alive is a job for a Panty Bomber-load of PETN explosive.
The Bible is no help to those who claim that the multiply partnered are immoral and wrong. Gideon, the guy the hotel room editions are named for, had lots of wives and a concubine. King Solomon had hundreds of both. In Biblical Literacy, Rabbi Joseph Telushkin writes that "Biblical law permits a man to have more than one wife," but he adds that "biblical narrative...depicts multiple marriages as almost always leading to multiple miseries." Even Nena O'Neill, co-author of the '70s bombshell Open Marriage, came around to that point of view. She subsequently wrote in "The Marriage Premise" that couples may agree to sexual nonexclusivity, but often experience jealousy, insecurity, resentment, anger, and feelings of abandonment -- "sometimes as strongly as they do when a clandestine affair is discovered." So, a person can make lofty pronouncements about not wanting to deny their partner any of life's pleasures -- until the difference sinks in between having extra hot fudge and having the hairy guy next door.
As for your situation, are you in a relationship or a really tiny cult? You've made it clear the open thing just isn't for you. If your boyfriend cared about you, he'd say, "Aw, gee whiz, wish you felt differently," and probably be on his way. But, he's determined to have his cake and a bunch of other people's cake, too, so he's trying to bully and head-game you into believing you're small-minded and boring. He's got you so sidetracked defending yourself against bogus charges (looking down on him, finding him "disgusting") that you're on your way to glancing up from your relationship and finding that you're no longer part of a couple but a face in the crowd. Ditch this guy and find one who's open to discussing your needs -- beyond how you'll need to let him keep the key to your heart in a cabinet he bought off somebody running a valet parking concession.
I'd appreciate if you'd introduce me to a lady between 35 and 65 for friendship and more. I'm 48, six feet tall, 220 pounds. I'm an artist, writer, and musician. I'm currently in prison, but I'm not guilty, so I expect to get out of here soon.
--Jailhouse Rocker
I guess you're asking me to post a personals ad for you: "Enjoyed long walks on the beach; now enjoying short walks between electrified fences." Sure, the incarcerated man has his merits: There's no wondering where he is at night or worrying he'll run off with another woman (at least not for another 10 to 20). Of course, a woman who goes for a man behind bars almost always has something seriously wrong with her. Luckily, like almost all the prisoners who write me, you're innocent. Put your time into attracting a lawyer, and maybe you can invite a lady to your house instead of your House of Corrections. You'll get a better class of woman when you can say you're a 48-year-old artist/writer/musician rooming with another guy because you need to pick up extra cash, not because he got caught leaving three bodies in a ditch.
February 2, 2010Six months ago, after my boyfriend and I had been together a year, we started living together. We're in our late 20s. Shortly after I moved in, he asked if another couple, his friends, could move in with us so they'd save some money. I said yes -- on the understanding that they'd be out by early 2010. My boyfriend soon started hanging with them constantly and ignoring our relationship. I pointed out that we needed our alone-time together. He made excuses, but showed that he had no intention of making time for us. I hid my unhappiness, but finally had to sit him down and tell him what needed to change. Several days later, he said he wanted to take a break, and I should move out -- although the problem couple can afford to leave but are using him for cheap rent. He offered to help me move, and into a safe place. I told him I think our situation is fixable with a little effort and understanding.
--Hurt
When you've just moved in with your boyfriend, you should be doing unspeakable things all over the couch, not trying to get on the waiting list for a comfortable seat for Bananagrams.
Never mind that your boyfriend's slacker friends needed a cheap crash pad. Moving in with your girlfriend and immediately moving in your friends is like booking the honeymoon suite and asking, "Oh, yeah, can we get a cot for my mom?" Of course, this ended up working out perfectly for him and his friends. They're using him for cheap rent; he's using them for a cheap breakup. It's the passive-aggressive breakup, where you don't bother telling somebody their girlfriend or boyfriend services are no longer wanted; you just make them so miserable they stop dreaming of you and start dreaming of U-Haul.
Your boyfriend may have "yeah, okay, cool"-ed you on moving in together, but panicked when two toilet brushes became as one. Maybe one small step for man started looking like one giant step toward married-kind: your being the last woman he'll ever have sex with and trading in his sport package wheels for a minivan. Maybe he's "just not that into you," or maybe all he's good for is picking you up at 7 a few nights a week. Okay, fine, this is stuff a couple have to work through -- or discover they can't. But, thanks to what may have started as a misguided act of charity, he's always had an out: "Why try to resolve the conflict when I can take advantage of these conveniently located human shields?"
Oh, has he offered to help you move? How sweet. You'll be out of his life in half the time! And do go. It's possible he'll miss you and want you back. But, do you really want him? He's been hostile, unloving and unkind. His "taking a break" is probably another easy way out: "Here, have some false hope!" (Anything to keep from mopping your tears off the linoleum.) Your big concern should be how you treated you. Like many 20-something women, you were probably too accommodating, from letting these people move in to hiding your unhappiness. The answer isn't being difficult, but standing firm on what does and doesn't work for you: Yes, to entering into a more committed relationship, no to managing a very small Holiday Inn. Maybe, to living in a house that's haunted, but with more traditional "free spirits" -- the kind that fly around in bedsheets saying "Wooo!" and when they do make stuff disappear, it isn't always all your beer.
A friend wants to break up with a woman he's started seeing because he can't stand her smell (her natural scent; it's not a hygiene issue). Friends say he's being too nitpicky, and this is not a reason to break up. P.S. He isn't someone who normally goes around being put off by people's smell.
--Sympathetic
It's hard enough to apply latex before sex without breaking the mood. Try telling your girlfriend that you just have to hose her down with Febreze. This friend of yours could love this woman's heart, mind, and spirit, but that isn't going to cut it if, for him, "a rose by any other name" is pretty much "goat vomit." His friends shouldn't blame him. Chances are, his genes make him do it. Research by biologist Claus Wedekind and others suggests we evolved to prefer the smell of a partner whose immune system is quite different from ours, probably so we'll produce children with a broader set of defenses from parasites and diseases. Your friend needs to end it before this woman gets attached and, especially, before he loses it and blurts out, "What the hell's that perfume you're always wearing, Eau Did Your Septic Tank Back Up Again"?