Felon Like Some Company
I'd appreciate if you'd introduce me to a lady between 35 and 65 for friendship and more. I'm 48, six feet tall, 220 pounds. I'm an artist, writer, and musician. I'm currently in prison, but I'm not guilty, so I expect to get out of here soon.
--Jailhouse Rocker
I guess you're asking me to post a personals ad for you: "Enjoyed long walks on the beach; now enjoying short walks between electrified fences." Sure, the incarcerated man has his merits: There's no wondering where he is at night or worrying he'll run off with another woman (at least not for another 10 to 20). Of course, a woman who goes for a man behind bars almost always has something seriously wrong with her. Luckily, like almost all the prisoners who write me, you're innocent. Put your time into attracting a lawyer, and maybe you can invite a lady to your house instead of your House of Corrections. You'll get a better class of woman when you can say you're a 48-year-old artist/writer/musician rooming with another guy because you need to pick up extra cash, not because he got caught leaving three bodies in a ditch.
Comments
Tell the guy the personals say "looking for INTIMATE relationship," not "INMATE relationship." And it's "into the BAR scene," not "into the BEHIND BARS scene."
Posted by: Patrick at February 9, 2010 11:35 PM
"Friendship and more?". Like what, staring longingly into each other's eyes while his cellmate is staring longingly into his pants?
I know you've said that you get a lot of these requests for matchups from inmates, so I propose some sort of "best of" column in the future. Let all those women who write to you, desperate for a relationship, know what's out there (or in there, I suppose) if they are that hard up. Betcha they'd get into counseling pretty damn quickly.
Posted by: NumberSix at February 10, 2010 12:29 AM
Do people really write you Amy asking for you to hool them up? And are many of them actually prison inmates?! Seriously?
My flabber. She is gasted.
Posted by: Sabrina at February 10, 2010 4:49 AM
How on earth do they get your address? Do they have internet in prisons???
Posted by: NicoleK at February 10, 2010 6:18 AM
That's just NUTS!! I've gone out with guys who should've been in prison - believe me, never again! Lesson learned, baby.
Posted by: Flynne at February 10, 2010 7:16 AM
Some women write to felons out of boredom. Some felons get serious about pen-pal relationships. Some felons end up getting out a whole lot sooner than their pen-pals thought they would. Just sayin'.
Posted by: Pricklypear at February 10, 2010 7:54 AM
"Enjoyed long walks on the beach; now enjoying short walks between electrified fences."
*dies laughing*
Posted by: Miss Q at February 10, 2010 12:25 PM
So on the one hand, people on this board roundly condemn the US justice system and repeatedly point out how unfair, biased, and overinclusive it is. On the other hand, it is then assumed that everyone in prison is a guilty scumbag deserving of mockery. Something isn't adding up here.
Posted by: CB at February 10, 2010 1:13 PM
CB, I would not want to date a guy in prison even if he really wasn't guilty. If you want a relationship with him, you wain until he is out and has his life together. A woman who wants to see someone who literally cannot leave ain't exactly what Shakespeare meant by "star-cross'd lovers."
Posted by: NumberSix at February 10, 2010 1:24 PM
Okay, that should be wait up there instead of wain. Sorry, folks.
Posted by: NumberSix at February 10, 2010 1:26 PM
Well, you've got to give the fellow points for chutzpah, anyway. Maybe chutzpah is all he's got right now.
Posted by: old rpm daddy at February 11, 2010 5:37 AM
Well I'm not in prison - got any hot leads in Australia you could put me onto Amy? Seeing as everyone else seems to treat you as a dating service...
Posted by: Ltw at February 11, 2010 7:03 AM
While pondering this letter and the upcoming holiday, I flashed on a Valentine's episode of "Futurama" ("Put Your Head on my Shoulders") where Bender wants to make money bringing people together: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oI4de2PcgFQ
Just a suggestion, Amy. But make sure you take a cut.
Posted by: NumberSix at February 11, 2010 12:58 PM
Artist in prison. Hum, let me think about this.
No. Not trading.
Posted by: Suki at February 12, 2010 2:54 AM
"I'm not guilty"... yeah right. Why did this even make the column? To provide us with a laugh? How pathetic.
I'm sorry, I think prison's should be work farms and prisoners should be learning how to make a real living in the real world if there is any chance of redemption. Murderers and rapists should be sitting in a 6x6 cell with NO amenities and drug dealers, dui dummies, and petty thieves should be working the prison farm/factory to learn responsibility and accountability. IF they do a good job 8/40 then MEYBE that should earn them an hour of television or internet access as a reward.
What? Redeem petty criminals through intensive work instead of allowing them to sit their time out and go back to their unseemly ways when released? Something that might actually work? Perish the thought!
Posted by: tori at February 21, 2010 8:57 AM
Tori, I have said repeatedly on my appearances on NBC's Fred Roggin's The Filter that prisoners should have to work to pay their room and board and pay restitution to their victims and only then should they get out -- not laze about in a facility with a better TV than you and I have.
Posted by: Amy Alkon 
at February 21, 2010 9:02 AM
I'm behind you 100% on that Amy, keep up your wonderful advice! I always read your column in our little weekly paper and when I found out I could chime in on the web, yahtzee! Love to be able to toss my two pennies in the ring with the the rest of your adoring fans!
Posted by: tori at February 23, 2010 8:58 AM
Thank you so much, Tori!
Posted by: Amy Alkon
at February 23, 2010 9:33 AM
