Gone With The Windy
I'm still in contact, via e-mail, with a guy I met on a dating site a year ago. We went out twice, on a platonic basis. We've discussed making plans for this weekend. If he doesn't call, I may go out with another guy. Because I don't feel as strongly about the newer guy, should I first find out what feelings, if any, the dating site guy has for me, and discuss that? I'd feel like a bit of a "cheat" if something happened with guy number two.
--Conflicted
Here you are, two lovers, torn asunder by fate -- or rather, the fact that one lover totally forget about the existence of the other until he got a little high and dry on JDate. What do you tell guy number one? Well, first you wait for him to call. Then, if he asks you out, tell him a time that works for you. Period. Men are not known as the chattier sex. In fact, it's usually safe to assume they don't want to talk about it. Even if they're in a relationship with you. And especially if they're in a relationship with you that's best described as "We're still in contact, via e-mail."
Only two dates in a year and she has to ask what he feels for her? Answer: not much. As you say, maybe he's just gotten a little dry on the dating site. If a guy is really into you, he's not going to wait to ask you out.
Also, going out "on a platonic basis" usually means that one of the two parties is pushing the relationship along by desperately trying to spend time with the other but fears (or knows), deep down, that he/she probably wouldn't go on a real date with them, so they manipulate a "let's go out as friends" kind of scenario to avoid being rejected flat-out.
Unfortunately, in the past, I've played this card with guys myself, just to try to make something happen when it clearly wasn't going in that direction. Sure, he'll meet you for coffee "as friends" (most guys will even happily have sex with you "as friends"!) but that's not a romantic relationship. Learned this the hard way. Unless a guy's willing to chase after you and make the effort to see you, he's not that interested, and you're only wasting your time even thinking about him. Move on.
lovelysoul at March 2, 2010 5:15 PM
Two platonic dates - and isn't that like military intelligence, or jumbo shrimp? - does not a relationship make. So you won't be cheating. If you want to go out with the new guy go. If Mr. On Line does eventually call you well, that's life, you made other plans.
But I agree with lovelysoul - life is too short to waste any time waiting on guy #1.
catspajamas at March 2, 2010 5:33 PM
Because I don't feel as strongly about the newer guy
How strongly could she possibly feel about the old guy? She met him on a dating site and they didn't even go out on real dates? Or were they real dates, and she has conveniently rewritten history to say they weren't, in order to save some face?
We've discussed making plans for this weekend.
What does this even mean? The only scenarios I can think of don't bode well for her. She "discussed making plans" with him, and now she's waiting for him to call. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but if a guy calls me to ask me out, he has some plans already in mind, or at least a definite answer as to whether there'll be a date, details TBD.
Asking Guy #1 about his feelings also will not turn out well for her. LW, stop obsessing over whether you're cheating on a guy who hasn't even called you again and get on with your life. Don't avoid an actual date with a guy because of another guy's ambivalence.
NumberSix at March 2, 2010 11:04 PM
Heck, why tie yourself down to one guy, or even two, especially if neither of them may be aware of it. I get the feeling that LW really wants to have a boyfriend, but having a boyfriend (or girlfriend) just for the sake of having one isn't likely to turn out well. High school kids worry about that kind of thing (didn't we?), but it's not helpful in adult life. Lots of fellows out there, so why limit yourself?
old rpm daddy at March 3, 2010 4:51 AM
LW, you're thinking about this TOO much. Go have some fun, and stop worrying about 1 or 2 guys, when you could be worrying about more! Kidding! Why "worry" about any of 'em? Catspajamas got it right, life's too short. Get out there, baby, and shake things up! Don't worry about ANY of 'em until one gets close enough to put a ring on your finger! But you shouldn't be too hasty for that either. Give yourself a couple shots o' self-esteem! Let the GUYS worry about whether or not you're available. Be the butterfly!
Flynne at March 3, 2010 6:04 AM
What is with men today? And what is with women? These people are adults? This is how they approach pairing off and obtaining sex?
Previously, every generation smugly thought they invented passion, and that prior generations simply missed that particular part of human experience. Now, I am beginning to wonder if the generation behind mine has actually lost human passion, and is missing out on that particular part of human experience.
My god, woman, go find a lusty man who would run through a brick wall just to see you naked. Then let him see you naked.
Spartee at March 3, 2010 6:31 AM
It's a part of the whole online dating thing, Spartee. If a woman is out in the real world, she'll know who is truly interested by the men who approached her, face to face, but online, there's a lot of innocous e-mail chatting. Sometimes, guys will write back because they don't know how to say, "I'm just not that into you." They don't want to seem rude by not responding at all, and, well, it's only an e-mail message. "I'm fine. How are you? Yeah, we should hang out sometime. Maybe next weekend..."
It's easy to take this to mean something, when it's actually just chatter...or keeping someone as a backup prospect, which people often do online.
The LW has misinterpreted the e-mail contact to mean she's still having some sort of relationship with this guy, but if he hasn't gotten together with her in months, he's probably just corresponding out of politeness, or she's way down on his list of prospects - dateable only if no one better pops up for the weekend.
lovelysoul at March 3, 2010 7:30 AM
Ye gods.
Send him an e-mail that says do you like me? Check this line for yes ________, this one for no. _____
Pricklypear at March 3, 2010 7:49 AM
It's not cheating if he's just your penpal and not your BF. Have fun on your date with the other guy.
NicoleK at March 3, 2010 8:17 AM
My mother found herself single at 70 and into the internet dating stuff. My 75 year old mother for gods sake. And the same crap happened for her. Guys who would normally ask her to dance from across the vet's hall lunch room were playing multiple widows like a game of bridge, ambiguous offers and all. One actually sent her a picture of "his" cessna. Mom, I said, that looks like a stock advertising photo to me. She couldn't fathom that a man would LIE to her, she actually thought she found love several times on old folks dating sights. I'm pretty sure one of them was a 17 year old kid. Internet dating is nothing more than a waste of time. We all have things we like to do to waste time. If that's yours, go for it, but understand that it means very little to most of the participants.
Laurie at March 3, 2010 11:16 AM
LW: "We've discussed making plans for this weekend."
Or put another way, "we're making plans to make plans." Or still another way, "we're discussing having a discussion."
(Singing, big finish) I'm talking "Night Court in its fifth season" LAAAAAME!
Patrick at March 3, 2010 11:21 AM
Oh, Spartee, i laughed out loud at your comments, and very very true they are. I agree, there's something wrong with communication between people who should know better! No more to add, just "bravo" "great response".
Bluejean Baby at March 3, 2010 7:37 PM
Patrick, I might call it more "'Family Matters' after they started to time travel" lame. As in, you know, not that great to begin with, but then it just gets laughably bad and it's almost funny how they're still trying.
NumberSix at March 3, 2010 7:53 PM
Sorry, LW, but he's just not into you.
Into you is having to use a dictionary to communicate, convincing her to marry you and leave her country, and going to meet her parents, who just happen to have survived the bombing of Hiroshima... This was so far out of my comfort zone, that I'm still amazed I did it.
MarkD at March 4, 2010 8:12 AM
Spartee has it oh so right! See me standing brick-wall adjacent! Conflicted, come hang out!
LUNA SHIMMY DIVA at March 6, 2010 12:07 AM
On internet dating sites, your hit ratio is about 5% if you're lucky. The rest of the people you contact or are contacted by are either wasting their time and yours, or they're married or 12 years old, etc. You should send 1 or 2 e-mails, then talk on the phone to see if you click, and then meet for coffee. If the guy/girl isn't really excited about meeting in person, forget about them and move on to the next candidate. You have to be able to process through a huge volume of bullshit before you get a genuine prospect.
Chrissy at March 7, 2010 8:22 AM
"Discussed making plans" means he doesn't want to meet you, at least at the moment.
Judith Martin put it very well. "Let's have lunch. How about next Tuesday at 12:30?" means that someone wants to have lunch with you. "Let's have lunch sometime" means they don't. These are the codewords of basic etiquette.
Curt Sampson at April 28, 2010 8:27 AM
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