This man I dated for two weeks is sensitive, spiritual, talks with trees, appreciates astrology -- basically, my ideal match. But, I think I messed up, repeating bad patterns: I kissed him first and had sex too soon. He called twice at 9:30 p.m., wanting me to come over and see a movie, but we ended up naked again. I asked him out twice -- but only because he often waits till the last minute to decide anything. (I don't know why one has to play a game of letting the man call.) I also asked if it was safe to open my heart to him. He said, "Why don't you ask your heart that?" That was the last I saw of him. I called him, and he said he didn't "feel a romantic thing," and that I'd shared my feelings too fast. Help!! We had a past life together where I was the man and he was the woman, which he himself mentioned, yet now he's not even sure we can be friends.
--Distressed
No. You didn't. Two weeks in, you didn't really ask a guy, "Is it safe to open my heart to you?" Answer: "Only if you open your front door at the exact same time so I can get the hell out of here."
Forget the old "anything worth having is worth waiting for." You're a woman in a hurry. Anything worth having is worth cornering like a trapped animal. Unfortunately, guythink doesn't work on that timetable. Yeah, he might be sensitive, spiritual, and chatty with trees, but he's still a guy. The usual rules are in effect. For best results, you don't kiss a guy first, you don't initiate dates, and you don't chirp "I'll be right over!" when he calls at 9:30 for a movie date at 9:35. What's playing? Surprise, surprise, cable's on the fritz, but he's got a cell phone camera, and he could shoot you two doing it.
There's much sneering about game playing as a form of deception, but it's more of a social intelligence test -- a way of signaling people that you're worth having or hiring. In a job interview, it probably means showing up in a dress and heels instead of your bra and underwear and clown shoes. In dating, "playing a game of letting the man call" is how you avoid playing the game of begging him to call after he loses interest. You know this, but you diss game playing to give yourself a pass to do what you know doesn't work, but works for you in the moment: throwing yourself at a guy and hoping against hope you'll stick. ("Hmmm, maybe if I rub my naked body with Super Glue?")
This hoohah about who you supposedly were to him in a past life only helps distract you from how you keep coming back in this one: as a bug under a man's shoe. Do the work to fill the empty places in yourself so you won't continue these desperate attempts to plug them with a boyfriend. Only when you're okay alone are you fit to start looking for company. At that point, "playing the game" will come naturally. You won't have guys calling at the last minute because you'll seem like a girl who'd be busy -- too busy having self-respect to make like Domino's and have yourself delivered. Forget whether a guy's into astrology; it's whether you have dignity that determines your fate with him -- not the fact that you were both born when Capricorn was in 7-Eleven.
How about my date this past Saturday? He has the potential to be really cute, but I absolutely despise his bland style. How do you approach making someone over?
--Bothered
Does that someone need a new shirt or a new head? Once you have a bit of a relationship with a guy, you can flatter him into a better shirt. ("You know, that Cosby sweater would look so much more attractive in the dumpster!") But, on a first date, if you're obsessed with tearing a guy's clothes off, it should be because you want to see him naked, and not just for that brief moment before he gets into something that meets your dress code. It's possible you aren't ready for a relationship, so no guy is right for you -- or you're so desperate for a relationship that you'll take any guy, then try to turn him into a guy you really want. People say style is a superficial thing -- and it is, unless it's a big deal to you. Ultimately, it isn't going to work with a guy if your first date fantasy is "You'd be so perfect...if only we lived in a world of total darkness" ("Once you go pitch black, you never go back").
May 18, 2010I was extremely offended by your response to the woman whose female friend has a mustache. Your only suggesting ways to get her to remove it was very anti-feminist. I have female friends with facial hair. Instead of waxing it, they say, "Screw American standards of beauty. I'm beautiful just the way I am." Your response could've included that option. My girlfriends with facial hair have no problem getting dates with men, and that's because they're confidant and beautiful. Just please don't perpetuate misogynistic crap.
--Ain't No Problem With A Little Hair
If I hated women, I'd tell those looking to date men to grow a big hairy hedge above their lip. Then they'd appeal to the .00001 percent of the American male population who think nothing's sexier than leaning over to the girl they're dating and whispering, "I think I should tell you...there's a little piece of food caught in your mustache."
Oh, what a terrible thing, promoting "American standards of beauty." Footbinding? Clitoridectomy? Naw, plucking tiny hairs above a woman's lip. Quick! Somebody start an international human rights organization! (Maybe something spelling out the acronym MORONIC.) "Sorry, can't go to the Darfur rally. We're marching for a woman's right to lip fur." All together now: "HELL NO! WE WON'T MOW!"
While I see the occasional strip of fur bumming a ride on a woman's lip, you claim to know a veritable parade of women from Mustachia. Methinks you're telling a fibby -- for what you think is a good cause: keeping women feministically correct, and never mind that they'll likely end up miserable and dateless. Fibby number two? That being a chick with a Fu Manchu is no impediment to getting dates. Right. There are men who'll date a woman with a stache: the visually impaired, the wildly desperate, and college-boy feminists. The latter aren't so much into girls with mustaches as they're into being the guy who's cool with girls with mustaches.
On a positive note, being a woman with a fur-trimmed lip does solve that age-old problem of getting men to stop addressing conversation to one's breasts. Take poor Stephanie Mills, the Greenpeace spokeslady who went on TV in Australia. Unfortunately, the loudest thing on screen was her mustache. Even the host couldn't help himself: "There is a mustache on a lady!" Miller had much to say about victims of nuclear testing, but she might as well have been farting out "The Twelve Days of Christmas."
Now, I'm all for a woman with a mustache making the same money as a man with a mustache. Unfortunately, Congress can't amend the laws of attraction. A mustache is a really clear male sex characteristic. Women with facial hair tend to have higher testosterone or be aging out of their child-bearing years, while men are hard-wired to go for young, feminine-featured women. Suggesting women who want boyfriends go proudly unpruned is like telling men with moobs to rub glitter on their mancleavage and strut it in low-cut tops.
Rather amazingly, you're suggesting women empower themselves by looking just like men. The reality is, a woman needs a mustache like a fish on a bicycle needs a man. Sure, a woman's place is wherever she wants it to be, but if she'd like male company, she'd best avoid looking like Gandhi, Saddam, Charles Manson, or one of the Village People, and snarling through her stache: "We haven't come a long way, and don't call me baby!"
I'm a white guy with a black beard -- growing out of my back. I know many women are grossed out by really hairy guys. Are there measures you recommend for back-hair removal?
--Bristly
When a woman sees you naked, you want her focused on jumping your bones, not on hiring somebody to jump you with a riding lawn mower. There are back shavers that look like big squeegees (the Razorba and the Mangroomer). But, if you have coarse hair, you could end up with razor-sharp stubble -- making being naked with you like spooning a lemon zester. Back waxing requires constant maintenance (in your case, probably moving into a spa), plus front waxing to match. The look you should aim for is somewhere between gay male stripper and Borat: think fur reduction over total fur removal. Laser treatment, which works best on those with light skin and dark hair, is probably your ideal bet for long-term back-hair thinning -- lasting months or a year, or very possibly, permanently. You'll still have some growth back there, but from a woman's perspective, there's feeling a little body hair and there's feeling like Dian Fossey making the first peaceful contact with a mountain gorilla.
May 11, 2010This girl I met on a dating site attends another college, three hours away, so we've only talked on the phone. I've experienced the online/in-person divergence before, so I'm worried. I've seen photos, but they're blurry face shots or half-body shots. My friends and family say I'm being shallow, that I should focus on how good a person she is. I'm not bad looking, but I could lose 10 pounds, so I see their point. But I'm a smart guy with a promising career ahead, and I really desire an attractive woman (at least better than average).
--Fearing Big Bertha
Careful what you wish for. If this girl's true to her pictures, she'll show up on your date with a blurry face and a body that ends where they cropped the photo.
Ignore your friends and family, who won't be the ones sleeping with your girlfriend (well, presumably). It's anything but shallow to make sure a woman has the looks you need to be hot for her. In fact, one of the unintentionally crueler things people do is tell themselves they'll work up an attraction simply because somebody is kind, funny, and tells the cashier when she gives back too much change. These are lovely qualities, but if you aren't already attracted, the XXX-est you'll want to get with a woman is xoxo-ing her -- as written in pink cursive in "To Grandma!" Hallmark cards.
But, does a guy who could stand to depork a little get to be picky about a woman looking just like her photo (give or take 20 pounds)? Actually, yes. Less so in college, when women aren't worrying about how they'll pay the mortgage and tend to go for the cutest boyfriend they can get. But, as I'm always pointing out, countless studies across cultures show that male sexuality is looks-driven, while women evolved to prioritize money and mojo in men. That's why it's women asking "Do I look fat in these pants?" while the parallel question from men would be "Do I look unemployed on this couch?" (Answer: Even more so when it's sitting out on the curb.)
Not surprisingly, in a recent University of Wales study, women found the same man's face significantly more attractive when he was pictured driving a rich-guy car -- a Bentley Continental -- than a regular-guy car: the Ford Fiesta hatchback. The interesting thing about this study? When men hot-or-notted the same woman driving the two cars, they found her no more or less attractive in the Bentley than the Fiesta. Men, likewise, aren't that compelled by a woman's salary or position, or as author Alain de Botton tweeted, "Yet to be born: the man who slept with a woman principally because she had written a book he liked."
So, what's with going after the e-mail order girlfriends? That's for the Rogaine generation: the 48-year-old guy who's always either working late or working on convincing 28-year-old girls on dating sites that he is 35, really rich, and still has hair (and not just growing out of his nose). You're in college. Never again will you be in a place so swarming with dateable women -- women who'll want to know stuff like "You goin' to that kegger?" and "Oh, cool, you're poli sci, too?" as opposed to "How do you feel about dating a single mother?" Grow a pair and lean over in class and talk to girls. Sure, it's scary, but nowhere near as scary as spending a month falling for somebody's "English/Irish looks" online, then looking across a candlelit dinner table at a woman who's much more English bulldog.
I liked this guy I was dating until he started wanting to come over daily. When I said that was too much, he started using his son's illness (sickle cell anemia) as a reason he needed to see me. Last week, I learned he has several chronic diseases. I'm a single mother with twin girls suffering from mood disorders. I really don't have time or energy for two new sick people.
--Selfish?
The guy does have a lot to offer -- along the lines of "How 'bout I come over for a glass of wine and let you change my blood?" I can just hear him trying to smoothtalk himself into your bed: "I've fallen and I can't get up!" (Hmmm, that's not working?) "Okay, my son's also fallen!" This guy doesn't so much care about you as he cares about your meeting his needs. You owe your time and energy to your twins, not some dude who winked at you on infirmpeople.com. Beyond that, it's okay to want a man who'll take you away from your problems; a man who might sometimes ask you to put your nursie hat on for him -- but only when your Girl Scout uniform is at the cleaners.
May 4, 2010In the wake of revelations about Sandra Bullock's cheating husband, I'm wondering about your take on why she's with him. She doesn't seem like the usual low self-esteem type who goes for bad boys.
--In Bad Boy Recovery Myself
It seems women have a crafting gene. Martha Stewart taps into hers, and like a one-woman swarm of rickracking, sponge-painting locusts, transforms everything in her path. Other women start by perking up flowerpots and end tables and move on to unsuitable men. There's no rush like walking into a room with a changed man on one's arm (even better than the feeling of having much better shoes than all the other women at the party).
There's evidence this transformation is doable -- at least in movies starring Jennifer Aniston. The ideal subject is the man no other woman has been able to domesticate. The woman tells herself he just hasn't met the right woman (her, of course!). With her unique brand of beauty and heart, she will do the impossible: paper-train the wolf and get him to roll over on command. It's love as brainwashing, "Beauty and the Beast" with a pole-dancing twist: "I'll make you forget those strippers!"
Unfortunately, like the leopard and his spots, the wolf and his big-boobed, tatted-up she-wolves are not soon parted. There's a reason Bullock's husband previously married a porn star, and it probably isn't because he thinks porn stars make the best mothers. Maybe he wanted to turn over a new leaf with Bullock, and maybe he did for a while, becoming the sort of guy who rides the lawn mower into the sunset instead of the chopper into the strip club parking lot.
But, change is hard, maybe even impossible, save for the most determined and self-disciplined. Even they may have to hit bottom a few times (and, no, not the naked, tattooed kind). So, if you'd like to stay "in bad boy recovery," the most you should ever expect is to influence a man -- maybe to cut back on foods labeled "screamin' hot nacho cheese-flavored" and to avoid dressing like he was naked and ran into a Salvation Army and put on whatever was closest to the door.
Look for a guy who already seems together, and take a good look at his past because it's a pretty good key to what (or who) he'll do in the future. Should you find yourself jonesing for a project, see what you can do with a hot glue gun, a spray can of gold paint, and 26 packages of macaroni. Whatever you come up with, it'll at least be distracting, and definitely less misery-inducing than that fun game you project daters like to play, "Spot the tall, dark, handsome captain of industry in the chronically unemployed drug user with the personality disorder."
I just started hanging out with a woman I was good friends with in high school. To my shock and dismay, she now has a mustache! She has dark hair but wears glasses -- maybe she can't see it herself. I don't feel close enough to her to say something, but she's recently divorced and about to start dating, so maybe I should anyway...but how?
--Hair-ified
Maybe slip it into conversation. You know, "Why did the caterpillar cross your upper lip? Wait...he isn't crossing...it seems he's injured or dead!" Okay, that would be mean -- but nowhere near as mean as all those friends of hers refusing to endure the few moments of conversational discomfort it would take to clue her in. Sorry, make that supposed friends, because if you're actually this woman's friend...HOW DO YOU LET HER GO AROUND WITH VISIBLE FACIAL HAIR?!
We'll assume she isn't mustachioed because waxing would kill her chances with the circus. And unless she lifted her arm and you spotted cornrows, she's probably one of those women with the unfortunate combination of fine, dark hairs and vision issues -- causing her to be in the dark about her desperate need to mow. In addition to wrecking her chances with any guy whose feminine ideal isn't Tom Selleck, every single person who ever talks to her is thinking only one thing: "She's got a mustache, she's got a mustache, omigod, she's got a mustache."
It's a mission of mercy, letting a fur-lipped woman know. You could take her for a girls-getting-their-nails-done session, then suggest she join you in the two-for-one lip wax (a nonexistent special prearranged by you). There's also the gentle mention -- "Did you know you have the faintest line of hair just above your lip?" (Even if it's "faint" like the African bush.) If neither of those work, there's always tricking her into it: "Let's play a game -- it's called 'let's put adhesive tape on our upper lips and pull!'"