Single Trite Female
In February, I discovered my girlfriend was cheating on me with her millionaire ex. I told him, and he told her to beat it. She tried to patch things up with him, but couldn't, and came back to me two months ago, saying she loves me and wants to marry me. But I've started catching her in lies again. For example, she said she'd be studying at home, but she wasn't answering her phone (rare for her). I dropped by at 10, and she wasn't there. This was just two days after she took me to dinner and told me, "One day the world will be ours!" What gives? What alternatives do I have besides ending it?
--Scammed
Good thing you're not on the parole board. You'd only need to hear a guy talk like a motivational poster -- "Good is its own reward!" "Tomorrow is a brand new day!" -- and you'd campaign for the release of some serial killer who kept all his dates in jars in his basement. Of course you want to believe your girlfriend's "One day the world will be ours!" but she has yet to show herself to be ethical, and it's wildly unlikely she'll become ethical now. What alternatives do you have besides ending it? Well, you could stick around and be lied to, cheated on, and placated with aphorisms: "Our love is here to stay!" (As long as you don't call or come by after 10.) "Our love is like a rose!" Well, okay, we'll give her that one -- in that it has something in common with getting stuck with a thorn, coming down with necrotizing fasciitis, and losing an arm.
Comments
Many guys are fooled by a womans beauty and soft appearance. Don't be. She is using both of you and it looks like her millionaire ex gets the picture and you are begging not to see the picture that is right in front of your face. You have caught her in multiple lies and she is probably waiting for the next millionaire or someone better to come along. In the meantime she will use you. Don't get caught up in girls are nice and sugar and spice and that's what girls are made of. She is a lying, manipulative, bitch and you are headed for a truck load of grief.
Don't minimalize her lying and dimiss it.
Been there done that. Got the t-shirt.
Posted by: David M. at July 28, 2010 3:52 AM
Just drop her.
I don't like the idea of 'she didn't answer her phone/wasn't home when I checked' though. I have been studying from home the past 6 months and there are plenty of times I've left my phone somewhere I can't hear it, gone to the library or grocery shopping, or otherwise not answered/not been in during the day. That's not proof I was up to no good, just proof that I was alive.
The good news is that that really isn't relevant because if you don't trust her and don't want to be with her anymore, you should just break up.
Posted by: Anne de Vries at July 28, 2010 4:45 AM
Question: "What alternatives do I have besides ending it?"
Answer: None. But you already knew that. There are nice ladies out there (I know; I married one), so there's absolutely no point in worrying yourself over one who's not.
Posted by: old rpm daddy at July 28, 2010 4:52 AM
They're right dude. She's using you for her soft landing, in case she can't find another millionaire. Run, do not walk, toward the exit.
Posted by: Bill McNutt at July 28, 2010 6:06 AM
What alternatives do I have besides ending it?
What you're asking is, "How can I make her tell me the truth?" You can't. She's a liar. If you want to be lied to forever, stay with her, but there are women out there who won't use you as plan B.
Posted by: MonicaP at July 28, 2010 6:24 AM
Use her for sex while you screw around. Get her to buy you as many things as possible. Dump her.
Posted by: Razor at July 28, 2010 6:55 AM
It's amazing that so many dumb asses have to solicit advice from others for dealing with relationship issues easily solved by the exercise of common sense.
"My boyfriend moans out the name of his ex during sex and is never at home at night. Amy, what does this MEAN?"
Really, everyday, in every way, the public is morphing into extras for Mike Judge's Idiocracy.
Posted by: Thor at July 28, 2010 7:19 AM
"One day the world will be ours!"
Nobody talks like that. Come on, man. Re-read your letter and pretend it was written by your best friend instead of you. What would you advise him to do?
Posted by: Pricklypear at July 28, 2010 7:34 AM
Why did you write in, sir? Why?
You know the score: she is a liar who lies to you. She is having sex with other men. (Yes, she is having sex with other men, accept that.)The lying and sex with others bothers you, it apparently bothers you greatly. She knows that it bothers you greatly. She is not changing, it seems.
Solution: Dump her. Never speak to her again.
But if you were capable of doing such decisive, final things, you wouldn't be the sort of guy who writes letters like this one.
Anyway, as I know you will ignore all the good advice you will get here, good luck trying to "fix" her!
Surely you are correct that if you really, really, really, really wuv her soooooo much, she will suddenly become what you think you want.
p.s. Don't have kids with her. Screw up your life if you want, but leave others out of it.
Posted by: Spartee at July 28, 2010 7:54 AM
Win the Lottery, so you will have more money and she'll come back and love you as long as the money lasts.
What's with all you negative people out there? Don't you like happy endings?
Posted by: MarkD at July 28, 2010 9:23 AM
There's only one thing we can do, people. We've got to get "Scammed"'s girlfriend and "Smothered"'s boyfriend together. And sell tickets.
Posted by: Rex Little at July 28, 2010 9:53 AM
Dude, you need to raise your standards. Why do you want to hang out with someone like this? Do you really think you can't do any better? You can. Dump her, and then take stock of yourself. See how you can improve, and then execute. After that, decide what kind of woman you really want, and go after her. Hint: the kind of woman you really want is the kind that won't crap in your hand and try to convince you it's a Hershey bar.
Posted by: Cousin Dave at July 28, 2010 10:27 AM
Okay Rex, but can we neuter them first?
Posted by: Pricklypear at July 28, 2010 10:31 AM
She's waiting for an opportunity to "better-deal" him... He really should have more self-respect. Oh, and stop dropping by her house to check on what she's doing: That's creepy.
Posted by: ahw at July 28, 2010 11:36 AM
Nobody talks like that.
That's what I thought. Was she trying to talk him into one last heist before retirement?
Posted by: MonicaP at July 28, 2010 2:36 PM
This reminds of a girlfriend I had, and we were out and met this really good-looking guy at a bar. She suggested she make love to him and me, and on a later night, it would go the other way, with her, another girl, and me. So I said yes. Two guys doing a girl doggy-position is fun, after all.
Well, we went to Mr. Handsome's love-pad, and he suggested "light bondage" and then he tied me and my girl up to a bed rail, and bend us over his bed, face forward. He sodomized us both. My girlfriend noticed me whimpering at one point, and looked disgusted. Mr. Handsome has his way, and then dismissed us, but took down my girl's phone number.
Now, my girl is dodging my calls, and I have not seen her for weeks. Do you think she means to not honor her word about another three-way, this time me and her and a girlfriend?
Posted by: BOTU at July 28, 2010 2:41 PM
But I've started catching her in lies again.
Again? I'm pretty sure he meant still.
She's proven herself to be untrustworthy, and he's gotten to the point where he's not trusting of her, as evidenced by the "dropping by her house to see if she's there" thing (which I agree is creepy and not the right board from which to jump into a breakup).
I'm also hoping that he broke up with this chick before telling her ex she was sleeping with them both. I really, really hope, for his sake, that there was a confrontation on that point at least. Although she won him back with only a motivational slogan and a promise of marriage, so it doesn't look good for him.
Posted by: NumberSix at July 28, 2010 8:26 PM
Serioulsy BOTU why is it always somthing in your ass or the military with you?
Did a drill sergant turn you into a pillow biter on nights?
Posted by: lujlp at July 29, 2010 12:59 AM
@Lujlp: "Serioulsy BOTU why is it always somthing in your ass or the military with you?"
He's just sending us the stuff Penthouse rejected.
Posted by: old rpm daddy at July 29, 2010 4:48 AM
"Scammed" is a correct description. Most people tend to be quite trusting, and find it hard to believe that people might lie so blatantly. That's why people like this fool others so easily with their lies.
Posted by: Lobster at July 29, 2010 8:06 AM
Actually, the real question is why you're still anywhere near her after being lied to and stepped on so much.
Posted by: Lobster at July 29, 2010 8:07 AM
No, BOTU is a closeted gay who can't understand why his balls tingle when he sees a man in a speedo.
Posted by: brian at July 29, 2010 8:25 PM
Seriously, though - why are there so many stupid people in this world?
I mean, is attention so hard to get that people stay in abusive relationships rather than be alone?
Or do these people like being treated like shit?
Posted by: brian at July 29, 2010 8:28 PM
The logical solution is to dump her if she is not providing you with a a better reason to stay together like a huge inheritance. Your problem is that your emotions are getting in the way of doing the right thing and clouding your judgement, so you have got to first get control of your emotions. Find something else that will take your mind off her, like a new hobby, activity or even a new girl friend. Or just emulate Mr. Spock from Star Trek (TOS); be a Vulcan.
Posted by: Tony at July 29, 2010 9:16 PM
I do believe that when the gf said "one day the world will be ours", she was NOT talking about herself and LW.
Posted by: Bluejean Baby at August 2, 2010 7:38 PM
So, when he finds out his girlfriend is cheating with her ex, instead of dumping the girlfriend, he tells the ex, hoping that the ex will dump her, so he will have this juicy piece of heaven all to himself.
Then, although she TRIES to patch things up with the ex, she doesn't succeed, leaving her with the booby prize (LW).
THEN he is astonished to find that she is lying to him again.
Amy, I don't know how you do it. I couldn't deal with these stupid assholes. From now on, I think I'm just going to read your blog.
Posted by: Pirate Jo at August 3, 2010 1:40 PM
LW, get a grip! She is using you and window shopping for an upgrade. Use her for sex right back and you will be empowered!
Posted by: mike at August 19, 2010 1:17 PM
A man will believe anything from a woman if he really wants to believe. “Why are you so late coming home?” “Macys had a Mid-night Madness sale.” “Why do you have alcohol on your breath?” “They had a wine and cheese tasting at Macys—it was in the paper—didn’t you see it.” “Why is your lipstick and make-up all smeared?” “They had free make-overs but I didn’t like mine, so I rubbed it off.” “Why is you blouse on inside out?” “Oh, I didn’t notice, I must have tried on a hundred blouses in the changing room, but none of them seemed right for me.” A man will believe anything if he really wants to. Been there, done that.
Posted by: ken at August 28, 2010 3:25 PM
A man will believe anything if he really wants to. Been there, done that.
People will. Take it from me. I hear about this stuff for a living.
Posted by: Amy Alkon 
at August 28, 2010 3:34 PM
There's a reason why he's a millionaire and you're not. Read learning from mistakes, not wasting time
Posted by: Mary at August 8, 2011 4:39 PM
