Home Invasion Is Where The Heart Is
A girl in my college accounting class came to my mom's house, where I live, to study with me for a test. While she was there, burglars broke in, made us strip to our underwear, then bound and gagged us. We were tied in chairs, back to back, but were able to hold hands. (We weren't hurt, and my mom came home and untied us a couple hours later.) I've always been attracted to this woman, but she has a boyfriend. However, our experience intensified my crush. Are feelings generated in a trauma legitimate? Should I make my feelings known?
--Rope Burns
Sorry I took so long answering your question, but I got abducted by aliens and they didn't have Wi-Fi on the mothership. If you'll believe me, I'll believe you -- and forget that your question sounds like the script to a G-rated porno: You both strip down, get tied up, and then the crooks leave and your Mom comes in with a plate of cookies and a box-cutter.
It is possible that danger amped up your feelings of attraction. The intuitive explanation is that you bonded over a shared scary experience. It's hypothesized by researchers (but not yet well supported by evidence) that there's "misattribution of arousal": mistaking revved-up feelings from a scary situation for feelings of attraction. Anthropologist Helen Fisher speculates in Why We Love
You can make your feelings known to this girl, but you for sure shouldn't make an announcement. (Announcements are for lost dogs, fire drills, and airplane gate changes.) Proclaiming your interest will not only be embarrassing for both of you, she's sure to tell you what you already know -- that she has a boyfriend -- and leave it at that. Instead, take her out for drinks and try to kiss her afterward. She can always turn you down, and you can always blame it on the alcohol and go back to being study buddies. Act like it isn't a big deal, and it shouldn't be (avoid the temptation to lean over your textbook and ask, "Get tied up here often?").
Then again, if she likes kissing you, she might end up "confused" about her relationship -- which is the gateway drug to maybe ending it and seeing if there's anything "legitimate" with you. If girlfriend-poaching is against your principles, you could say something to her -- not in some big pronouncement-type way, but with an offhand remark: "Hey, if you ever ditch that boyfriend of yours, I'd love to take you out for dinner and a mugging."
Comments
I'm not so sure that I believe this, but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt...
We were tied in chairs, back to back, but were able to hold hands
Awww, that's so sweet! I'd like to know her reaction when you got untied - was it a "thank god" hug, underwear and all, or a sudden spring away from the creepy dude?
Posted by: Ltw at August 11, 2010 2:07 AM
This is just icky... love your response though!
Posted by: sheepmommy at August 11, 2010 5:57 AM
I'm sorry, but I call shenanigans. I simply cannot believe this is a real personal experience being written about. My BS meter is off the charts on this one. I'd love someone to point me to a news article or something that calls into reality a crime report about such a break-in and hostage taking.
Sadly, at least to me, with you only writing one column a week Amy, this is a terrible waste of pixels and time. I truly want to believe that you receive more interesting and believable letters with much more real problems than this one. Though I am rarely disappointed on this site, this one is just not up to your usual high standards.
Posted by: Carl Pietrantonio at August 11, 2010 6:27 AM
Doesn't this kind of letter usually start out "Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought I'd be writing this..."
Posted by: brian at August 11, 2010 7:37 AM
I saw this scene in "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman".
Posted by: Pricklypear at August 11, 2010 7:39 AM
Something tells me that the LW is contemplating staging a mock home invasion.
+1 on the creepiness.
Posted by: jackalope at August 11, 2010 8:25 AM
No, this is not creepy, just weak.
If you are going to fanatasize, toss in some handsome Italian burglars with gorgeous bronzed skin, along with shapely female accomplices. And please, full-on birthday suits, not this "wearing our underwear" stuff.
Still, all must concede, anything with bondage and even underwear does turn the head. There were possibilities brewing....LW needs a richer imagination.
Posted by: BOTU at August 11, 2010 9:49 AM
I don't believe it either. Amy, did you check news and police reports from the writer's town just to make sure or is your BS detector more highly tuned than mine? It could actually be possible.
Posted by: Suki at August 11, 2010 10:59 AM
Actually, Suki, the truth is, it's so dipshitty, it's probably true.
Posted by: Amy Alkon 
at August 11, 2010 11:04 AM
What would the point of stripping them to their undies be? Wouldn't it be just a waste of time? I'd tie them up, and ask them where they keep the jewelry and good silver and go find that. What's a burglar gonna do with their old clothes?
Posted by: NicoleK at August 11, 2010 11:23 PM
Sorry I'm late, but didja ask him what type underwear she had on? If he said white bloomers and a sports bra, he was probably telling the truth. If the description sounded like a Victoria's Secret fever dream, he's a lying, lying, liar.
Posted by: old rpm daddy at August 12, 2010 4:40 PM
I think the real issue here--apart from the fact that this may be fiction--is, does this guy get a free pass at interfering in another person's relationship because of this bizarre event?
Although I liked your answer, Amy, (and hat's off to you for taking this guy seriously), my answer would be that he doesn't get a free pass.
When I meet a man who tells me about his girlfriend or wife, I think he's sending me a message and that message is that he's not available for another intimate relationship. So I won't expect that to happen...it's really that simple.
Posted by: ie at August 12, 2010 7:53 PM
I'm going to call BS on this story. First of all, home invasions are extremely rare. Burglars don't want to meet you, and the ones who do intend to kill you. Invasions where the bad guys strip you down to your underwear with a sexy coed - and they don't rape the coed - and you don't end up dead - are as rare as a three legged baby. Someone's been watching to much television.
Posted by: The Horny Detective at August 13, 2010 6:48 AM
Am I the only one who immediately assumed the LW is a woman, rather than a man? If LW is male, I call double bullshit on his story, simply because why the hell would the girl go alone to a strange house where they would be alone together? Tell me no actual woman would be that dumb, please?
Also, on the slim, vanishingly small chance that this did really happen, the woman would likely be horribly traumatized by the crime!!! Even though they were unharmed, being terrorized by strangers, forced to strip, and being tied to a chair would be a TERRIFYING experience!!!! And the LW's burning question is, should he try to move in on the girl??? Ummmm... NO! Jeez.
Posted by: Melissa G at August 13, 2010 8:36 AM
Why can't we watch live sex acts in America? That would make a better first date than getting tied up.
Posted by: BOTU at August 13, 2010 5:47 PM
@Melissa - no, I also assumed the LW is a woman. That's the only possible detail that could save this from being a total 14-year-old boy's fantasy.
Posted by: Steve H at August 15, 2010 12:38 PM
So, tied back to back, able to hold hands, but not untie each other. Inept burglars. They should have realized that possibility.
Posted by: Patrick at August 16, 2010 6:17 AM
Seriously? This sounds like something Daughter #2 would make up to try and justify coming home late from a friend's house (she's 14, btw)!
Posted by: Flynne at August 16, 2010 12:33 PM
Old RPM Daddy -
You're right. That's a sure BS detector. I've yet to meet a women who didn't prefer boring underwear for study.
God, I hate sports bras.
Lamont
Posted by: Lamont Cranston at August 17, 2010 11:37 AM
Am I the only one who immediately assumed the LW is a woman
----------
No, I also assumed the LW was a woman.
Posted by: Ingrid at August 17, 2010 1:29 PM
Le sigh......I pulled a prank on sex with sue when I was a teenager that was remarkably similar to this. When trying to fool the jester, try for originals....just sayin....
Posted by: angie at August 26, 2010 6:49 PM
