Bye Now! (Pay Later)
There's never a good time to break up with your girlfriend, but there is a really bad time, and that's what I chose. I did it over the phone as she was boarding a plane to attend her best friend's wedding. I thought it would be good for her to be with friends after hearing the news, but it ruined her weekend. She pretty much thinks I'm a terrible self-centered idiot, and she's right. Here's the good part: I want her back. I'm really not sure why I did it in the first place. I guess I thought she'd be better off without me, and enjoy city life while she's young and single. (She's 26, I'm 31.) Now I can't sleep, eat, or think without her, but she won't even talk to me. We used to love sitting in a chair together and reading your column on weekends. I'd give anything to be back in that chair with her, reading this and your answer.
--Heartbroken
Accidents do happen. If you aren't careful, you might walk into a plate glass window or methodically go on the Internet to gauge the exact time your girlfriend's plane is leaving, dial her cell, wait for her to answer, and -- whoops! -- announce that you're dumping her...just in time for the flight attendant to announce "Please turn off all electronic devices, and sit back and enjoy your flight."
There actually is a good time to break up with somebody, and it's when you're sure the relationship's over. Accordingly, there's a good time to figure out why you're breaking up, and that's before you do the deed. And, why did you break up with your girlfriend? Here's the good part: You're still not sure! Luckily, you don't let that stop you from spinning this as some benevolent act on your part. Yeah, sure, you only dumped her to make her happy. You just want her to enjoy herself while she still has her youth. (After all, at 26, she only has six decades before she needs a hip replacement.)
Want to do a good deed? Buy a homeless guy new shoes and a turkey sandwich. Want to do right by your girlfriend? Figure out why you dumped her. Commitment issues? Pre-emptive abandonment (ditching her before she ditches you)? Only if you let her know exactly what she's dealing with can she assess whether it makes sense to give you another shot, in a way she can't with "it was just one of those random acts of blithering idiocy."
If you've had a pretty good record with her up till now (you've never left her at the mall or anything), you might be able to worm your way back in. You need to express deep remorse for what you did and beg her to take you back (be specific about why she's so great and why you're great together). Of course, getting her to even talk to you will take an act of romantic restitution. (Think John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler, standing under his girlfriend's bedroom window, boom box over his head, blasting Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes.") Women are suckers for a having a great romantic story to tell, especially one where the guy shows that he gets what an idiot he was to ever take the woman for granted -- and not just because he called a friend: "Broke up with her this morning." Friend: "Dude. She was hot. What'd you do that for?" Guy: "Damn, you're right. I'll call back and tell her I was just messing around."
Reminds me of a couple of guys I useta know. One of them told me that he was uncomfortable with happiness, knew relationships would always fall apart and wanted to be the one in control of the situation. Lonely guy.
I was talking to the other guy about men who get into fights with their girlfriends right before a holiday or her birthday. He looked blank for a minute and then said "Oh my god. I do that." He really looked like it was an epiphany (or a periphery, if you watch The Office).
Fortunately, I wasn't on the other end of the relationship with either of them.
Do women do that too?
Pricklypear at September 14, 2010 10:53 PM
Pricklypear,
I think yes, women do that too. I've been in situations where there were fights just before times when we had to part (lived in different cities) as if that would make parting easier. We both realized we were doing it after a while though and felt a bit silly, lol.
I can't say I blame the girl here for not talking to this guy. I like your answer. I'm all for giving people second chances where it's deserved - such as, if the party you are forgiving offers some real insight into him/herself and gives you confidence that whatever it is won't happen again - but this guy needs to get real with himself. What he did was very hurtful - before a wedding no less! Maybe the wedding gave him the gitters?!
Anyway, this is why you have to be sure before you dump someone, or you might be on the road to constant breaking up and making up (maybe he's just looking for make-up sex) and that's just pathetic. This is why when I know something is done, I hammer every nail I can find into the coffin and pour concrete in the grave. That way there's no digging up that corpse and trying to revive it. (This seems to be necessary if one is a sucker).
Thag Jones at September 15, 2010 5:28 AM
Amy,
Did this guy give you any indication of why he was unhappy in the first place? This seems like a really strange omission from the letter. I think we need to know what he told her before we can know if she will ever even speak to him again, let alone allow him back into her life. Right now, I am thinking she should continue to ignore his calls. I would.
Sheepmommy at September 15, 2010 7:03 AM
NEVER ever ever, NEVER!, get involved, or re-involved with someone who'd pull something like the LW has. People like this are totally untrustworthy and too capricious to ever count on, and especially if they're still pulling this sort of thing at 31.
This guy broke up with her on a whim in a way that was needlessly cruel, but now he wants her back cause he's wonely.
She gets it, which is why she won't even talk to him.
Fuck you LW, you're getting what you deserve.
nancy at September 15, 2010 7:09 AM
LW, dude, I think you blew it, and I'm not sure it's fixable. But if you broke up with her for a reason, even if you're not sure what it is, what's to say you wouldn't want to break up with her again?
While I wouldn't go as far as saying "fuck you," your ex-girlfriend is well within her rights not to talk to you. So I guess I disagree with Miss Alkon on this one. Let her go, take your medicine like a big boy, and learn your lesson. And make sure you treat your next girlfriend better than your last one.
Old RPM Daddy at September 15, 2010 8:14 AM
Of course, getting her to even talk to you will take an act of romantic restitution. (Think John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler, standing under his girlfriend's bedroom window, boom box over his head, blasting Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes.")
I should add that if someone did this to me, I would never talk to them again. How utterly pathetic and embarrassing. If he tries this, I hope she has some eggs in the fridge.
And yeah, I've been known to give people waaaaay too many undeserved chances. I need to be more of an asshole myself.
Thag Jones at September 15, 2010 8:17 AM
@LW - You blew it. All you have left now is to learn from your mistakes, and not make them again with the next girl.
@LW's former GF - Don't even think about it. Ex's are Ex's for a *reason*. No F-you's, no drama. Just be done.
railmeat at September 15, 2010 8:54 AM
Ummm, am I the only reader here who HASN'T been left "at the mall" (or at the grocery store, the airport, or by the side of the road) AT LEAST once by damn near every boyfriend I've ever had? And who, truth told, has left more than a few boyfriends "at the mall" herself?
Honestly, y'all, how do you manage NEVER arguing in public spiritedly enough to need a few minutes (or hours) to cool off enough for safety and civility...?
Spikeygrrl at September 15, 2010 12:21 PM
This is one reason cliches were invented.
One cannot un-ring a bell.
Man up and apologize. Move on, and do better next time. You burned this relationship to the ground. You have ashes. You can't get it back.
MarkD at September 15, 2010 12:25 PM
Well, I think the LW acted like an idiot and the "I did her a favour" line just reads like a really bad Harlequin romance novel, one that probably never saw the light of day.
Saying that, I've had the 1 AM, half-whispered, half-shouted declarations of love at my window (totally pissing off my roommate, not to mention the neighbours). So, these situations do leave one with amusing memories.
If the LW's girlfriend does take him back he better be prepared for months of payback. And that means buying her fresh croissants every Sat. morning, giving her regular back rubs and nice dinners out. And, just to keep himself sane, a visit to a local therapist to find out why the hell he did this to her in the first place.
ie at September 15, 2010 5:15 PM
This column has so much of the "I really need to impress Amy by making something up that sounds intelligent yet heartbreaking yet poignant" that I just can't stand it.
Whatever the truth, the LW is a complete asshole.
Razor at September 15, 2010 6:03 PM
Amy, there's a Groucho Marx classic line that said, "I would never join a club that would have me as a member."
You gave him the best way of possibly getting into his ex-girlfriend's good graces, but honestly, should he even want her if she does come back to him? Going back to a callous clod like him would sure take a heaping dose of LACK of self-respect. So, why would you want a girl like that?
It's incredible irony...taking him back would simply reveal that she's no prize.
Patrick at September 16, 2010 1:46 AM
Wow, MarkD, I love, love, love your statement.
"You burned this relationship to the ground. You have ashes. You can't get it back."
Succint and eloquent, and I wish I had said this during my last breakup, which was especially nasty.
I allowed there to be way more back and forth dialogue after the fact than I should have, even though I knew with absolute certainty that I was done.
wenchie at September 16, 2010 4:45 AM
He should forget about her and move on. She will probably never forgive him and beat him with it it like a stick whenever she gets angry.
David H at September 16, 2010 9:57 AM
Spikeygrrl -
I find it kind of scary how many people/couples out there share your opinion that it's completely normal to regularly fight to the point of yelling, or even that yelling at one's partner is acceptable. I am an angry person, I have a temper, and I have never yelled at anyone that I can remember. (I exclude, like, toddler temper tantrums, I'm pretty sure I was an awful 2 year old.) I've never had a fight with boyfriend of three years, because when we disagree, I just tell him and we talk about it if we need to.
Recurring fights mean you need to break up. Thinking that yelling and subsequently stranding your boyfriend/girlfriend is effective communication means you need to grow up.
Sam at September 16, 2010 12:12 PM
If you're not sure why you broke up with her you should start dating again. It will help you remember.
Dale at September 16, 2010 3:42 PM
The LW has just learned a hard lesson: some actions are irreversible. Life does not come with an undo button.
Cousin Dave at September 16, 2010 6:31 PM
MarkD's little statement there is one of the best things I've read all day. I had to Google it just to make sure it didn't come from Buddha or Jeff Foxworthy or someone.
Razor at September 16, 2010 8:08 PM
LW, I'd wait at LEAST 6 months before trying to get her back. What you're feeling could be the knee-jerk regret that many people feel after breaking up with someone. So wait. And, if you still feel that way months down the road, then maybe try again.
My ex broke up with me and was so consumed with regret and misery that he apologized a week later and said it was all a big mistake and he didn't know what he was thinking. We got back together. A month later, he broke up again because, guess what: there was a reason he did it the first time. And he let weakness and loneliness get the best of him and hurt us both worse.
sofar at September 16, 2010 8:10 PM
LW, stay away from serious relationships for a long while so that you don't hurt anyone else. Calling her on the phone while she's on her way to a wedding was the coward's way out and you know it. This "it would be good for her to be with friends after hearing the news" business is total shit. You just waited until she was almost on the plane so you could avoid any immediate repercussions.
You say that you thought she'd be better off without you. I think your real reason was that you were hoping someone better would come along. What a surprise when that didn't happen!
You were right about one thing. Your ex-girlfriend IS better off without you.
Rozita at September 17, 2010 10:07 PM
"Honestly, y'all, how do you manage NEVER arguing in public spiritedly enough to need a few minutes (or hours) to cool off enough for safety and civility...?" ~ Spikeygirl
That's not normal. But I'll tell you how my fiance and I manage:
1) Never get personal. No name calling.
2) No "you always" or "you never"
3) No bringing up past issues that have been laid to bed.
4) He tells me what he thinks and feels and why the issue is important to him. Then I will tell him what I think and feel and how I see things.
5) Then he will apologize because he didn't realize it was an issue for me. Or I will apologize because I didn't realize it was an issue for him.
6) No one is right. No one is wrong. The only important thing is that we know how the issue has affected the person that we love and that we should behave accordingly.
7) No airing dirty laundry in public. Strangers don't want to know about it and friends and family certainly don't want to be dragged into it.
Sometimes he will tell me "I need some space today" and sometimes I will tell him "Don't goof around with me today." But I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone where we scream or have to walk away from each other for the sake of civility.
Elle at September 21, 2010 11:54 AM
LW quote:
"I thought it would be good for her to be with friends after hearing the news, but it ruined her weekend."
Possible truth:
"I thought it would be good for me to be with another girl after breaking the news, and I wanted to have a guilt-free weekend of fun."
Basically, LW spells out in his letter (his own thoughts on life) - “I guess I thought she'd be better off without me, and enjoy city life while she's young and single.”
Am I the only one to see this?
techie at September 21, 2010 2:31 PM
@ Elle: Thanks for the input. I truly envy you your peaceful life. But realistically I am an intellectual fireball -- I make my living writing sociopolitical polemics -- and will never be that placid, nor ever be attracted to a man who is that placid.
I've managed to stay married ten years, how 'bout you? :-)
Spikeygrrl at September 27, 2010 5:33 AM
@ Sam: At aged 51 I have never claimed to be "mature" (WTF does that mean anyway anymore?!), I just claim to have been successfully married for ten years to a man who says he first knew he was in love with me when I yelled back at the TV during the Year 2000 presidential debates ;-)
I'm happy now, how 'bout you?
Spikeygrrl at September 27, 2010 5:40 AM
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