Lens Crafty
I'm putting up my online dating profile, and wonder if I'm being deceitful by posting a picture of myself without glasses. (I photograph better without them, but basically wear them everywhere but in bed.)
--Miss Four Eyes
Internet daters posting photos to their profiles are intent on putting their best foot forward -- and all too often, it's a foot attached to another person's body. So, on the online dating ethics spectrum, posting a photo sans your glasses is like taking an extra mint at the bank versus holding the teller up at gunpoint. After all, you can take glasses off, unlike somebody's unpictured 80 extra pounds, as in, "I basically wear these 80 pounds everywhere but in bed!" To be more honest, post a secondary picture of your bespectacled self, and be sure to include a full body shot to show guys that you aren't built like a manatee (aka the "sea cow"). Keep in mind that online daters probably assume their prospects are lying about essential details until proven otherwise. It should come as something of a relief to your dates when they find out your big secret, and it's that you have an astigmatism, not an Adam's apple.
If you put up a picture without glasses, you will attract guys who are into girls without glasses.
If you put up a picture with glasses, you will attract guys who are into chicks with glasses.
Which do you think would be a better match for you? Yes, there are less guys in the second pool, but at the end of the day you only want ONE guy. Hopefully who is into you the way you look most of the time.
NicoleK at September 8, 2010 4:33 AM
Oh, Miss Alkon, don't speak ill of the mighty, noble, dugong!
Regarding the LW's issue, I've never heard any guy say he wasn't attracted to a woman with glasses. I don't know if they give them that much thought. For that reason, I'm inclined to think the glasses or no glasses issue isn't that big of a dilemma. Men who are attracted to a woman without glasses will probably be attracted to the same one with them.
Old RPM Daddy at September 8, 2010 4:51 AM
Glasses are really not an issue. Except for fetishists into glasses, a woman's glasses ranks about 569th on most guy's list of things to look for on a gal.
I recall one gal in grad school was so impossibly hot, no one noticed for years that she often wore glasses. And when discussing her hotness, no one ever mentioned the issue of glasses.
Spartee at September 8, 2010 5:59 AM
Wear the glasses. There are already enough things you can deceive him with. How you look with out make-up. A push-up bra. High heels for the illusion of height. Black pants to make your butt look smaller etc... Wear the glasses.
David M. at September 8, 2010 6:29 AM
At the risk of sounding like a self-righteous prick (which I may well be!), and with apologies to NicoleK for singling out her comment ["Yes, there are less guys in the second pool,"]: one of my [many - a different story for a different time] pet peeves is the confusion of "less" and "fewer" - which I see/hear all the time in commercials. I was raised to believe that "fewer" is for "count nouns" ("10 is fewer than 15"); and "less" is for "mass nouns" ("there is less milk in that bottle than this one"). Grates my ear almost as much as if you said "there's fewer milk in the bottle than there was yesterday." Am I wrong? Should I hang it up? I usually bite my tongue when the grammar / spelling police in me tries to get out, especially with the fine group here and your thoughtful comments. Feel free to agree, opine, take a swing at me - I freely admit I am far from perfect. Conan the Grammarian, where art thou?
Mr. Teflon at September 8, 2010 8:00 AM
I try not to get my panties in a bunch over blog comments -- especially when I recognize an error in my own right after I hit "submit."
MonicaP at September 8, 2010 8:48 AM
Post a pic without glasses and another one with glasses as Amy said. The glasses aren't likely to matter for most guys.
As a former internet dater I can attest that the real issue is deceit. Most of us expect you to put your best foot forward as long as you are not trying to deceive.
The biggest thing for me was women who lie about their body type. If you choose "a few extra pounds" as your body type, we are expecting 5 - 15, not 50 or more.
Steamer at September 8, 2010 8:56 AM
Thx, MonicaP. I should get off my lazy keyboard and check out one of thoe online grammar sites .. it's one of those things that just drives me crazy wondering what's technically correct and if I even know; and if what was 'correct' is eroding due to colloquial use - in which case, while I weep for our language, so be it ... like "restaranteur" & variants sneaking into thelangauge to join "restaurateur" as 'acceptable.' Sorry - I'll take my bat & ball & idiosyncrasies and shut up now ...
Mr. Teflon at September 8, 2010 9:10 AM
OK, there are FEWER guys who like glasses.
There are also fewer guys who like, say, chubby women but if you're chubby you want a picture that will attract those guys, because that's the pool you are fishing from.
Or women with huge noses.
Or whatever.
NicoleK at September 8, 2010 10:44 AM
"mass nouns" All matter is quantized mass nouns and count nouns lack a functional distinction. No offense meant just feeling peevish today.
If glasses are enough to get him to leave then you really don't want to date him. Especially not if you are looking for more than just a fling. Most of us will need them later in life anyway.
vlad at September 8, 2010 11:53 AM
NicoleK - is it fair to say there are FEWER guys who like MORE nose on their women? ; )
From http://www.yaelf.com/aueFAQ/miflessvsfewer.shtml:
"The rule usually encountered is: use "fewer" for things you count (individually), and "less" for things you measure: "fewer apples", "less water". Since "less" is also used as an adverb ("less successful"), "fewer" helps to distinguish "fewer successful professionals" (fewer professionals who are successful) from "less successful professionals" (professionals who are less successful)."
...and now I'll piss off ... back to our program!
Mr. Teflon at September 8, 2010 1:15 PM
glasses? really?
i have contact lenses 99% of the time, but do own glasses - do i now have to mention that in my profile? must i now hide my specs under the bathroom sink of shame, way at the back, next to the tampons, athlete's foot cream & de-worming meds (for the cat, i swear)?
i honestly think everybody is attracted to what they are attracted to & no one should have to explain or apologize, but seriously - glasses?
hahahathud at September 8, 2010 10:18 PM
Most people don't look better with glasses than without.
Most people also look better dressing in nice clothes as opposed to dressing like someone on an episode of "Cops".
Taking off your glasses is, in effect, the equivalent of dressing well as opposed to dressing like crap.
No big deal. Frankly, I don't think any man would ditch a pretty wench because she has to wear glasses.
Robert at September 9, 2010 1:57 AM
If you want to attract someone, just get contact lenses.
Lobster at September 9, 2010 2:38 AM
"I don't think any man would ditch a pretty wench because she has to wear glasses."
I would, if she wore them all the time and they made her look bad.
Also, it depends on the glasses. Subtle, thin-rimmed glasses well-fitted to the face are one thing, but what IS this trend that so many women are walking around with hideous thick-rimmed glasses. Take them off people, it's ugly, it's ugly, it's ugly. Is everyone too polite to say it?
Seriously, glasses are a turn-off. Am I the only guy who thinks that? If you only wear them in the evenings or whatever, fine, but if I saw your profile, then you came to the date with your specs on, I'd very possibly lose interest, especially if they're thick-rimmed or you didn't go to much effort to choose a pair that suits your face. Bring a friend along whose opinion you can trust on style/aesthetic matters and pick a pair that suits your face.
PS I wear contact lenses most the time, and a decent (i.e. expensive and very carefully chosen to suit my face) thin-rimmed/subtle pair now and then (e.g. in the mornings/evenings or when flying). For some reason a lot of women have complimented me in the glasses and said I look 'sexy' in them, though I'm not sure about that, I prefer wearing contacts.
Lobster at September 9, 2010 2:44 AM
"Wear the glasses. There are already enough things you can deceive him with. How you look with out make-up. A push-up bra."
Um, no, the two things a man is likely to spend looking at are a women's breasts, and her eyes.
"If glasses are enough to get him to leave then you really don't want to date him. Especially not if you are looking for more than just a fling."
And by the same logic, you should dress hideously ugly all day long every day, because if the way you dress is enough to turn him off then he's not worth it right? Wrong. If you don't care about your appearance, don't be surprised if you find your options more limited when dating.
It's difficult to emphasise this but THIS IS YOUR EYES people. No matter how hot your body is, there is nothing on your body that anyone is going to spend more time looking into / at, and a pair of glasses can, really, yes, really, turn someone from "hot to not" in seconds flat.
Lobster at September 9, 2010 2:50 AM
Lobster,
"Seriously, glasses are a turn-off. Am I the only guy who thinks that?"
Yeah, man. I think it's entirely possible that you may be. I'm a fan of the naughty librarian look.
Take care,
Jon
jonQPublic at September 9, 2010 5:32 AM
"Yeah, man. I think it's entirely possible that you may be. I'm a fan of the naughty librarian look."
Ew, I hate that look. I guess I do just find glasses (except maybe very thin-rimmed ones) a HUGE turnoff. I always assumed this was universal, but googling a bit, now I'm not so sure, lots of guys seem to say otherwise.
Lobster at September 9, 2010 8:12 AM
Some people need to wear glasses because contacts make their eyes tear up or whatever.
If the LW is in this category, scolding her about how contacts look better isn't going to help.
She'd be better off directing her energies to finding a guy who likes them, even though they are FEWER than guys who don't.
NicoleK at September 9, 2010 8:43 AM
Wear the glasses. I don't know any women who have had trouble getting dates because of them. (Some have had trouble for other reasons.) Some men love glasses. Some hate them. Most don't care all that much.
MonicaP at September 10, 2010 12:53 PM
Now glasses are a dealbreaker? I swear, you ALL deserve to be alone.
Rozita at September 10, 2010 7:06 PM
i'm w/rozita. glasses?! seriously,folks. i wore contacts for many years. as nicoleK pointed out, they CAN (and DID) tear up my eyes. i now wear glasses. gotta tell you - have seen (pun intended) no diminishing numbers in the pool of men attracted to me. as others have pointed out - it ain't exactly the eyes they is a-lookin' at! (i hear the sirens as the grammar police surround my computer) amy (as usual) is correct: post one pic of each look. no biggie. (GLASSES? you're going to get bent out over GLASSES?! lord, i'll be muttering about this for days...)
zelda at September 11, 2010 8:08 AM
Glasses are a non-issue for me, they're like jewelry, or a woman's hairstyle. They can be flattering or detracting depending on the style.
I don't think that a dating profile picture needs to be treated like an affidavit.
Jack at September 12, 2010 5:58 PM
You're not supposed to wear glasses in photos. Cameras don't do well dealing with the reflection from the lenses. And they make the picture look "dated" in a matter of months when the new styles come out. I hate contacts and my puppy chewed my current glasses and the pair from before that and now I am wearing a 7 year old pair till the new ones come in! Grrr.
Ferber at September 13, 2010 7:46 PM
Whatever happened to "Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses"? ("Reference books aren't taken out" -- a dig at women whose IQs exceed their shoe sizes -- came in a very close second for Most Hurtful Taunt of my adolescent years.)
I learned in my subsequent advertising career that if there is some overriding reason why one absolutely MUST sit for a professional photo in one's glasses, first pop out the lenses; this makes the grip's job of eliminating any reflections and distracting shadows immeasurably easier. Casual snapshots taken by friends and family are another story: their technical quality is usually so far south of awful that reflections and shadows really don't much matter.
I'm with Amy: include on your dating profile BOTH your professional headshot (sans the specs) AND one or more casual snapshots (WITH the specs). That way you put your most attractive foot forward without fundamental dishonesty.
Spikeygrrl at September 15, 2010 12:07 PM
GASP! Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses! Or is that, "Men don't passes at girls with fat asses."
Men don't make passes at girls who pass gases...?
Men don't make passes at girls who fish basses.
Patrick at September 17, 2010 2:07 PM
So many of your replies refer to overweight women as if they're totally unlovable and undatable. I'm built just like a sea cow. I've had dates. Even had sex. But committment is hard to find. Ok, impossible.
I'm going to kill myself tomorrow. Seriously. It's all planned out. There is no hope for fat women like me.
Susan at January 29, 2011 9:42 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2010/09/lens-crafty.html#comment-1832683">comment from SusanThere's no need for most women who are fat to be fat, if only they ignore the "science" the government puts out and go by the science, as detailed by Gary Taubes, among others, in "Why We Get Fat."
It's carbohydrates that cause the insulin secretion that puts on fat. Cut carbohydrates and you will likely drop weight like it's stones falling off a truck, as have so many people who read my blog and column, and have taken heed of the evidence Taubes' lays out.
There are men who are into fat women, but to give yourself the widest range of chances with men, it's best to lose weight to the point where you look like a woman whose first description by anyone would be that she's fat.
Amy Alkon at January 29, 2011 10:08 AM
I read it completely and get some interesting knowledge from this. Thanks for sharing this nice article.
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