My male neighbor came over to have dinner with me and my kids. After I put the kids to bed, we started watching a movie and ended up in the bedroom. I've taught my kids to always knock, but right in the middle of a naked foreplay session, my 10-year-old son walked in on us. I'm a divorced single mother and am entitled to a healthy sex life, but what do I say to my kid? Should I have the sex talk with him now? I don't think I should apologize. I've taught my son that you apologize when you've done something wrong, and I don't want him interpreting sex as wrong.
--Caught
According to Random House, "What Your Fifth Grader Needs to Know" is stuff like long division and where Spain is on the map, not the fact that your neighbor has a birthmark in the shape of Lebanon -- well below the equator. (That's in the as-of-yet unpublished "What Your Fifth Grader Doesn't Need to Know.")
Freudian analysts, sans evidence, predicted a laundry list of awful outcomes for children who witness their parents getting it on -- including mania, depression, character disorders, learning disturbances, delinquency, and even asthma. Dr. Paul Okami actually investigated -- following 200 kids for 18 years in a UCLA study -- and found that "no empirical evidence links such experiences with subsequent psychological harm." Unfortunately, nobody seems to have studied whether there's a difference in seeing Mommy and Daddy and seeing Mommy doing the neighbor. If the naked people are the kid's parents, they can at least launch into the old "When two people love each other very much..." That doesn't quite fly with "When there's a reasonably attractive semi-stranger next door, and Mommy hasn't gotten her rocks off in the longest time..."
Your kid's already had his stability rocked by divorce; the last thing he needs is to be wondering who this guy is to you and having any dreams of his parents getting back together crushed in such an upsetting and even threatening way. Sure, you're divorced, not dead, but first and foremost, you're somebody's mommy -- somebody who shouldn't be under the impression he'll soon be recording a new voicemail message: "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. I think she's making a sex tape with the UPS man." So, yes, an apology is in order -- not for having sex, but for turning your bedroom into a peep show for your 10-year-old. But, wait -- he should've knocked! Right. How unbelievable, a 10-year-old failing to follow directions.
Because kids mature at different rates, child-rearing experts suggest waiting for a kid to show he's ready to hear about sex, which he'll indicate by asking questions. Monitor your son for changes in mood or behavior and ask if there's anything on his mind about what he saw. If so, be truthful -- say that men and women sometimes do stuff to make each other feel good and that's what you two were doing. In the future, always use protection -- a latex condom and a day-planner (to schedule your romps when the kids have a sleepover at Granny's). You'll be doing your part to prevent both accidental pregnancies and updated song lyrics: "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, but you'll never believe what I saw her doing to the Easter Bunny."
I went on four dates with this woman -- each ending in no more than a hug and a kiss on her cheek. She seemed to have fun, yet stopped returning my calls. This isn't the first time something seemingly good fizzled on me.
--Flummoxed
The woman you go out with four times and only kiss on the cheek and hug goodbye is the woman you call Mom. There's an epidemic of men who need to get the message you do: "Testicles! They're not just for decoration anymore!" It isn't entirely men's fault. Feminist academia pushed a message that caught on wide -- that men should feel ashamed for being male and that male sexuality is basically rape lite. This led some men to hold off on making moves on a woman, thinking it was the nice, polite thing to do. Some other men realized it's also a great way to spin acting wimpy as a form of respect. Now, it's possible this woman just wasn't that into you, but maybe she might've been -- a few dates back -- but found you about as sexually aggressive as a couch cushion. If things are going well on a first date, state your intentions by trying to kiss the woman. She can say no, and you should respect that, but by trying, you've told her something important: that your interest goes beyond financing her appletinis and sitting by your phone waiting for her to never call you again.
November 24, 2010I'm a 23-year-old law student with a boyfriend who attends grad school 16 hours away. We're both swamped at school, so we visit once a month. I've only been with one other guy, but I hate the dating scene. Still, maybe I need to date around to make sure he's the right person. Then again, since you date to find someone you love, why would you leave someone you love so you can date? I'm pretty sure he'll propose when we both graduate, and he's theoretically everything I want, but it frustrates me that he has grand plans and never follows through. Also, he's willing to move thousands of miles to be with me; I can't say I'd do the same. I do love him, but I once read that once you doubt the love, you've stopped loving that person forever.
--Hung Jury
Doubt gets a bad rap. Doubting love doesn't mean you've stopped loving, but that you've started thinking. Sheep doubt nothing. Chances are you'll get further in life by questioning things than by living like something that ends up dinner and a sweater.
You say this guy's "theoretically" everything you want, which is super if you're looking to live theoretically ever after. Of course, theoretically is pretty much how you've been living. You're both swamped at school and see each other once a month. If you've been in school throughout your three years together, you've had, what, 36 dates? If so, more than anything, what you have together is a lack of information.
Because most people change a great deal between 20 and 30, pledging to spend the rest of your life with somebody at 23 is like asking a 6-year-old what she wants to be when she grows up, and holding her to it. (You try finding tooth fairy jobs in the classifieds.) Your 20s should be your "Who am I?" years. Until you get that answered reasonably well, you shouldn't be moving ahead in any serious way to "Who am I with?" -- not even if you find dating only somewhat more enjoyable than having all your toes pulled off with white-hot pliers.
Dating to find somebody you love is what you do after you've dated enough to get a handle on all the stuff you hate. Falling in love is easy; staying in love takes some doing, especially the 320,000th time you find yourself hearing those "grand plans." Only when you take stock of somebody's worst qualities, and decide you can live with them, are you ready to commit. Get married without doing that, and maybe you aren't really saying "I do," but "You'll do."
At this point, a wiser approach would be a more Amish one -- and no, I don't mean tossing all your lightbulbs, donning a bonnet and churning butter. They have this practice called "Rumspringa" -- a "running around" period for Amish teens to dabble in modern culture: smoke, drink, date, and wear zippers. Experiencing what's out there helps them make an informed decision -- whether to stay modern or go back and live Amish. You, likewise, might propose a period of time where you both date around so you can get a better sense of whether you're with him because you've been with him or whether you're actually choosing him over a bunch of others. If you keep seeing him, avoid pledging to be together forever until you're reasonably sure you'll still want to be together at 27 -- tempting as it is to respond to "Will you marry me?" with something a little more romantic than "Um, uhhh...look! A UFO!"
I need about three nights a week to myself or I feel smothered. Last night, my sweet new boyfriend wanted to hang out for the fifth night in a row. I told him I needed some down-time, and he said okay, but sounded hurt.
--Independent Woman
For many people, love is finding somebody, then doing whatever they can to see that they never leave that person's side. That did work for Romeo and Juliet. Then again, they were fictional. And dead. Explain to your boyfriend that you need down-time because you need down-time; you've always been that way, and it has nothing to do with him. Set aside certain nights as date nights so he won't be standing there staring up at the tower wondering when you'll let down your hair. We all know that endless togetherness can start to feel rather, well, endless; we just hate to admit it. Help him see that what's truly romantic is having the chance to miss each other, and he just might be the guy who inspires you to blurt out, "You had me at 'Goodbye, see ya in a coupla days.'"
November 16, 2010I've been dating a great guy for three years. I occasionally get invited to work functions, and I'd like to take him, but I can't trust him to act appropriately (not grope me in front of my co-workers, make inappropriate small talk, etc.). The thought of bringing him makes me so anxious that I go by myself. Recently, we went to two concerts he wanted to see, and I kept having to pry his hands off my breasts in the middle of a crowd. It was humiliating. Last week, he tried to grope me in line at the ice cream store in front of a bunch of families. I'm starting to think he has a social anxiety disorder. Asking him to be a supportive partner and accompany me to the occasional work event doesn't seem like that big of a burden, especially since I entertain his friends and go see bands I don't like for him. I don't want to sound like a prig, but I'm advancing in my career, and I should soon be attending more work-related events. Am I being unreasonable?
--Groped
Some social conventions are such a bore, like the expectation that when your boss extends his hand, your boyfriend will reach out and shake it, not grab both of your breasts and cop a feel.
Usually, when they talk about a guy having manners from another time, they mean he's polite like they were back in the '50s, not when the Neanderthals were running around. It's normal to sometimes have to make excuses for your partner, but excuses like "He's actually a vegetarian," not "Believe it or not, he was raised by a pack of wild animals after his parents died in a freak canoeing accident."
Wildly inappropriate PDA is generally a sign that you're 14 and lack boundaries or a way for a highly insecure partner to mark his territory. It can also be a way of hiding shyness by overcompensating. Whatever it is, it sure isn't loving behavior. It's bad enough that he embarrasses you at concerts and the ice cream store, but office parties are not parties; they're work meetings with alcohol and land mines. When you bring your boyfriend, he should do his best to support you, and not in the way a Wonderbra would.
You get the relationship you put up with. Three years in, you have no idea why your boyfriend acts like he just broke out of the monkey house. Maybe it's a social anxiety disorder, maybe it's itchy hair follicles, or maybe he's trying to sabotage you because he's jealous of your success. The first or second time he got all Mr. Gropeypants was your cue to let him know where his hands go when he's with you in public. What stopped you then, and what's stopping you now? Fear of confrontation? Fear of losing him? Lockjaw? Speaking up might've had you well on your way to a solution years ago -- or to a boyfriend who not only knows better than to French you under the mistletoe at the company Christmas party but gets that dry humping you under it is a big no-go, too.
I've been on about 20 dates with girls I met online, and 15 of them were much heavier than they were in their photos. I'm getting a little tired of this. Is there some acceptable way to ask a woman how much she weighs before you meet up?
--Narrowing 'Em Down
There's that saying, "The camera adds 10 pounds." Well, the Internet often subtracts 50. (Not to worry, all that weight will be back in place before you can say "Starbucks at 3?") But, sorry, you cannot ask a woman how much she weighs -- or even poke around in that direction: "So...what's the most candy you've ever eaten at one sitting? And, are you sitting on any candy right now?"
Internet dating has its pluses -- instant access to loads of potential partners -- and its plus-sized minuses: those big surprises you've encountered on three out of four dates. Just think of them as a price you have to pay for the easy access -- a sort of high technology fee. In the future, assume everyone's lying and be pleasantly surprised when someone isn't. To keep your emotional costs down, try to get women to meet you as soon as possible for a quick drink instead of carrying on at length by phone and e-mail. This should help keep you from getting attached while spending weeks learning everything about them and then finding yourself on a date unable to ask the one thing you're really dying to know: "So...when was your picture taken? And of whom?"
November 9, 2010I fear I've already turned off the new guy I'm dating because of a ritual I can't seem to give up. I sleep with a stuffed bunny. I'm in my mid-30s, but I've had it since childhood, and I just find sleeping with it comforting. For the first month of dating this guy, I didn't bring it to bed. But now that I'm feeling more relaxed with him, I grab for it after we've finished our intimate stuff. He seems rather unimpressed, to say the least. The other night, he said something like "Now, how old are you again?" Is this something I need to stop doing, or something that somebody who cares about me should just accept?
--Can't Let Go Of Floppy
Back when they couldn't show sex in movies, they'd let you know it'd happened by showing a couple having drinks and kissing, then cut to one of them in bed smoking a cigarette -- not sucking a thumb and cuddling a bunny.
The guy you're dating has an image of you in his mind -- probably as a sophisticated, sexy, sensual adult woman. Surprise, surprise, after doing unspeakable things with you in bed, he finds it unsettling to see you spooning Floppy, and maybe worries for a moment that he just committed a crime. He might feel different if you just had the bunny on the shelf as a souvenir of your childhood. For a lot of guys, that's no big deal. There are even some who'd be okay with the bunny in the bed -- like the mid-level manager who attends Comic-Con in a Klingon suit and goes to sleep afterward in Spider-Man footsie pajamas.
In psychology, a stuffed animal is a "transitional object" -- a thing that helps a child work through his or her separation from Mommy. (It seems you and Mommy are running a few decades behind -- something you and a therapist might give a look-see.) Like your current guy, a lot of guys will be turned off when, after sex, you turn away from them to make sleepies with your bunny. To give yourself the widest selection of dating partners, you'll need a new bedtime ritual. My suggestion? Put Flops on a shelf and fall asleep thinking happy thoughts about how you're making room for a very special new friend -- one who might be missing fur on his head, but not because the neighbors' dog used him as a chew-toy when you were 5.
I'm online dating again, but I'm now a vegetarian and gluten intolerant. Should I mention this in my profile, or just break the news gently on our first date? I think I can accept a man who eats meat. (I'd say my desire to find a great guy is greater than my fear of the occasional bloody steak on the barbeque.) But, is it reasonable to request a man who only eats meat once or twice a day, four times a week, max?
--Animal Lover3>
Why did the Tofurkey cross the road? Of course, to beg somebody to eat it. And, of course, they had to call that vegan dessert "Soy Delicious," yet nobody has to sell steak by calling it "Steak Delicious." Not surprisingly, there are a lot of animal lovers out there who especially love animals with a side of potatoes. Can you sit across from one while he tears into a nice, juicy piece of cow, and are you really looking forward to that long, slow, hamburger-flavored kiss goodnight?
You do say you "think" you can accept a man who eats meat, but that's about wanting to widen your dating pool. Two sentences later, you're narrowing it back down, suggesting that a meat-muncher should feel free to make you sick, disgusted, and morally outraged, but only "once or twice a day, four times a week, max." Come on. If all you can stomach is a man who eats a diet fit for a sheep, say so in your profile. But, whatever you do, omit mention of specific dietary issues like gluten intolerance, or you'll sound picky and annoying. And, quite frankly, nobody needs to know the intricacies of your bile duct or your small intestine before the first date.
As for news to break "gently" on the first date, that would be stuff like "I have five months to live," not "I can't eat wheat." Don't worry -- nobody's going to force-feed you a cookie. Just order your tofu patty "no bun," and move on to finding out what you and your date have in common -- beyond being the sort of people who not only stop and smell the flowers, but enjoy grazing on them afterward.
November 2, 2010I got laid off when my company relocated. I was unemployed for 10 months while I tried unsuccessfully to find a job. During this time, my wife resented that she was working and I was "off." She'd criticize the housework I did, saying I never dusted or swept well enough. She also complained that all her friends are going on vacations and cruises, and not us. I reminded her that, in this economy, many people who are financially strapped take "staycations." She said that doesn't make her feel better, and that she took more cruises and trips before she got married. I finally found a temporary but very stressful managerial job, and she now complains that I don't have as much time for her. Is there hope for us?
--Can't Win
In this economy, a lot of people are going without -- without meat, without medical care, without Princess Cruises with open bars and 24-hour karaoke.
There you are, pounding the pavement looking for work for 10 months, and in case that isn't emasculating enough, by the way, you're also dusting wrong. Sure, being human, your wife might think, "Damn, I haven't been on a cruise-ship shuffleboard court in over a year!" Being a loving partner entails not letting her every thought leap out of her mouth in the form of words -- especially if you don't exactly have a history of quitting your job to smoke pot and study patterns in the wallpaper.
Acting all lovey dovey comes easy on the Lido deck, where the big question is "More Dom, darling?" To see how much love you actually have, raise glasses of tap water to an improved economy while sitting in your candle-lit living room (candle-lit till you cobble together the deposit to get the lights turned back on). Because women evolved to go for providers, having a partner who's out of a job can push a woman's buttons. So, it is possible your wife loves you, and it's just her fear and anxiety talking. Fear: "What if I never see another ice sculpture?!" Anxiety: "Hey! I went on more cruises before we were married!" And then there's you, the voice of restraint, in that you don't snap back, "Feel free to up the number again after we're divorced!"
I suggest doing what therapist Nathaniel Branden calls "an experiment in intimacy." Spend 12 hours together in a hotel room: no books, TV, phone calls, naps, or walks outside. Except for bathroom breaks, you remain together at all times. You can sit in silence if you want, but you're free to talk about anything, provided it's personal (no talk of work, kids' schoolwork, redecorating, etc.). Branden's premise is that when all avenues of escape are closed off, couples experience real breakthroughs in communication. He says that only three times in 20 years did couples break up after the 12-hour session.
Now, you two might end up Branden's breakup number 4. Or, maybe your wife will decide that she has much to be grateful for -- you, for starters, and all you're doing to ensure that you're only taking "staycations," not foreclosurecations. (That's when you permanently vacate your home and take up residence in a parking lot in your as-of-yet unrepo'd car.) You can have a lovely view of the ocean -- whenever you sneak through the framed picture aisle at Walmart on your way to the john.
I'm a 35-year-old straight man in really good shape. I'm online dating, and want to post a picture of myself shirtless. A female co-worker says no way; women will be totally turned off. Really?
--Best Side Forward
Take your cue from women's magazines, which are wildly lacking in shots of men with greased pecs chopping wood and other popular gay calendar outtakes. While men are turned on by photos of the scantily clad opposite sex, that's just not what works for women. In fact, for most women, a man who shows off his body seems girly, and sends the message that he's vain: "I usually take my mirror on dates, but maybe I can make room for you!"
Because women seeking men generally prioritize success over looks, that's what you should be flexing, with subtlety, in your profile. It is a plus if you have the V-shaped body women favor -- broad shoulders tapering to a narrow waist -- but that'll come across just fine in a T-shirt and jeans. If you post a shirtless photo, your shirtlessness should seem incidental, like someone just happened to have a camera at beach volleyball...not like your shirt just happened to be off when you stepped in front of your hand which just happened to be holding your camera.