Blocked Swan
A friend basically called dibs on a guy we were talking with at a bar, whispering to me right away that she found him really cute. I was bummed, but backed off. We all exchanged e-mails, and vowed to hang out when he's back in town. He e-mailed me, and we've been writing a lot, and have lots in common. I confessed this to my friend, and she seemed surprised and jealous. Now, he's coming back -- just to see me. Did I overstep friendship boundaries? Should I cancel?
--Guilt-ridden
The first one to remark on how glorious the sunset is doesn't get to take it home. The same goes for some cute guy at a bar. You've got to appreciate the male way of doing things. They'll get into a fistfight over a woman and then buy each other a beer; women get into a whispering game about a guy and then won't speak to each other for 20 years. When your friend remarked on this guy's looks, that was your cue to say, "Omigod! I'm into him, too!" Canceling now isn't the answer. It'll only make you resent your friend. If she truly is a friend, she'll want you to be happy. She did try to pull a sneaky on you, but she ultimately knows that admiration isn't the fast track to possession -- assuming her typical reply to "Cute dress!" isn't "Unzip me, and it's yours."
Shotgun!!
catspyjamas at February 22, 2011 6:07 PM
Even if the LW were to back off, it wouldn't make the Cute Guy like her friend. If anything, LW has learned that this woman was never really a friend in the first place.
Rozita at February 22, 2011 7:02 PM
Gals, the guy's vote is more important than your call of "dibs". In fact, the "dibs" is immaterial.
Spartee at February 22, 2011 7:38 PM
Right on, Spartee. It seems from the letter that Cute Guy didn't exchange the same information with the friend, which makes her jealousy a little crazy. I get it--no one wants to be rejected by a guy and then find out he's dating her friend. But Friend has no claim on him, especially since the LW's interest is not due to the friend having seen him first.
NumberSix at February 22, 2011 9:01 PM
Hey, you can share him! Don't be confined by convention.
When the pair of you spring the sandwich job (him in the middle), you will probably keep him interested for a good long time.
This could be the start of a beautiful relationship.
BOTU at February 22, 2011 9:24 PM
LW, you've done nothing wrong. If you had competed with her for his attention at the first meeting, that would be pretty rude - it's only fair to give a friend a fair go to bag someone they're attracted to - but you didn't, you backed off.
Now though, look, she had her chance, and he's decided he's interested in you. It's her job to deal with that.
But don't be too hard on her either unless she gets really bitchy with you. This stuff hurts, so it's ok to cut her some slack - but not to the point of feeling you should cancel. Your role here is feeling sympathetic, not guilty.
Ltw at February 22, 2011 10:23 PM
All good answers so far.
I think she is mistaking her friend's disappointment for jealousy when it is really just a mild blow to her friend's ego. She'll get over it and probably already has.
Also, without more information, it doesn't sound like her friend did anything more inappropriate than inadvertently let that 'blow to her ego' show on her face. If I'm wrong and her friend made a silly fuss over it, then my advice would change to the tune of, "get a better friend".
LW, nice job being sensitive to your friend's feelings. Points for that. Now don't blow it out of proportion and enjoy an evening out with a "cute guy" with which you have a lot in common.
Oh and, in keeping with the "wingman" spirit of this letter, give him some pussy.
whistleDick at February 23, 2011 1:58 AM
I am reminded of an incident at summer camp, many years ago, when I was a 17 year old junior counselor. There was a cute, nice and personable 12 year old boy who, unsurprisingly, drew the attention of the girl campers. One day, during free swim at the pool, two girls came up to me to demand that I referee their fight. One of them was leaving a the end of the two-week session, and the other was staying another two weeks, as was Cute Nice Boy. The girl who was leaving demanded to know shouldn't she have the right to "go out" with Cute Nice Boy (for values of "going out" that extend to hanging around the water fountain together, and sitting together on movie night) until she left, and then the other girl could have him?
I told them that he didn't have to "go out" with either of them, but if he did wish to attach himself to one of them, it was entirely up to him which he chose.
I then took Cute Nice Boy aside, and told him that he didn't have to "go out" with either of these girls if he didn't want to. The look of relief on his face was intense.
Male human beings are not objects, any more than female human beings are. You don't get to "claim" them with no input from them.
Dana at February 23, 2011 7:29 AM
When LW backed off, she probably became more alluring to Cute Guy than her friend.
Fraulein Gretel at February 23, 2011 8:58 AM
I wish I could relate to this problem, but I've only come close once in sixty years. From time to time, even my ego could use a boost.
MarkD at February 23, 2011 9:40 AM
I'm going to go against consensus on this one and say that LW should have backed off from the beginning. Yes, it sucks to miss out on an opportunity with a guy who thinks you're hot (because really that's the only opinion he's had time to formulate when you initially meet). But who do you care about more, a random stranger that you met in the bar or your friend? If you're a person with healthy self-esteem who regularly gets male attention, then the answer should be the latter.
That being said, if you're the friend in the situation then you should have the courtesy to back off once you realize that Hot Bar Guy is more into your friend. Again, someone with high self esteem will be able to do this graciously and chalk it up to him preferring brunettes over blondes rather than taking it personally and launching a cold war against your friend. And LW's friend may have no problem doing so-it sounds like she might just be surprised that LW and guy have been in contact without her knowledge.
Basically, both sides in this situation should be ready and willing to step aside and put their friendship before the guy. If you can't do this then it's probably not a very good friendship and you should limit your interactions to non man-hunting venues.
Shannon at February 23, 2011 1:58 PM
Reminds me of my prom night. My date spent most of it flirting with my best friend. She spent most of it flirting with my date. I could have gotten my panties in a wad, but she was a good friend, and he wasn't my boyfriend, so I put my ego away. They've been together 15 years now, and I'm still good friends with both of them. Casual dates are not worth wrecking friendships.
No lie: My ego was not happy. But putting it aside was worth it.
MonicaP at February 23, 2011 3:13 PM
Eh, screw the whole "dibs" BS. You're not twelve. If the guy likes you and you've hit it off and there's no previous relationship toes that you're stepping on, why on earth would you let someone else deny you that pleasure?
Razor at February 23, 2011 3:15 PM
"They'll get into a fistfight...and then buy each other a beer."
This is true sometimes, but I've also seen men sabotage each other in underhanded ways (over a woman), and some women NOT give a friend the silent treatment for 20 years (over a man, especially one they meet in a bar!). Lots of women are more mature and evolved than that.
ie at February 23, 2011 3:25 PM
Girls can be so weird! "Dibs"?! Ack!
Some women play very odd games and this is one of them-you are not aloud to like who I like...and I called it first!
This reminds me of something that happened to my favorite cousin. Her mom had a massive stroke and my cousin was working full time and coming home and being care-giver. The poor kid was exhausted all the time(she was 24)so her 2 friends dragged her away for a long weekend to just have some fun & help her relax. One of these girls had a serious bf and the other was engaged, my cousin wasnt seeing anyone being she was so busy. Well, she met a guy while they were away and spent part of one day with him and his friends with the 2 girls & then the last evening, she went to dinner with him alone, telling her friends she hoped they didn't mind but really wanted to get to know him a bit more.
Both girls got mad/jealous/whatever and barely spoke a word to her ever again. It was like, "hey, this was our idea and you can only have fun with us!"
Well, my cousin ended up marrying the guy and 11 years later they are very happy...and I am sure she doesn't miss those "friends."
Linny at February 24, 2011 7:21 AM
allowed-not aloud! lol-I should check my spelling!
linny at February 24, 2011 7:35 AM
I'd say it depends on the circumstances. It's one thing guys getting into a fistfight over a woman that they really only maybe thought of as one-night stand or 'fling' material anyway, and it's quite another if e.g. your best friend screwed around with someone you're in a serious long-term relationship with and wanted to marry.
My advice, if you are serious about him and feel he might be long-term material and that it might be mutual from his side, then explain that to your friend and keep seeing the guy. If it's not that serious, and you partly just like the guy because you perceive competition from your friend, then maybe let the guy go.
It also depends on what the guy feels. If he likes you more, then that pretty much decides the matter, if he isn't interested in her, but is serious about you, then it's stupid to break it up.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned about such etiquette but I once kept my distance from a very attractive young woman who all but tried to climb into my pants in a bar once, just because I knew my brother was interested in her, even though she clearly wasn't interested in him, and I really would've liked to get into her pants. Still, while she was attractive, I had no long-term interest in her, so I suppose it would've been different if I had actual feelings for her. (I also doubt she had long-term interest in me, I'm guessing it was my feigned disinterest in her that made her interested.) I'm not really one for all that "game-playing", glad it's behind me for now.
Lobster at February 24, 2011 2:15 PM
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