Dater Processing
I'm casually dating multiple people and stressing about what to do when a man wants to see me again but I already have a date. Do I lie and say I'm hanging with a friend? I'm looking to have a serious relationship, and it seems bad to have it based in dishonesty from the start.
--Busy Woman
Because we can all disseminate massive quantities of information about ourselves doesn't mean we should. In fact, if you took all the utterly inane revelations off Twitter, you could probably run the entire enterprise off an old PC in somebody's garage. Until you get serious with somebody, all he needs to know is that you "have other plans," not that you're "going out with Jason tonight, and he's a foot and a half taller than you and makes lots more money." Keeping mum about the details isn't dishonesty; it's tact. Anybody emotionally healthy and socially intelligent gets that you aren't going to be his one and only by the third date. The only information you do owe him is whether you might give him another shot -- or cause him to need one to eliminate painful urination, night sweats, and weeping sores.
Why did this woman write you? It doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong...unless she's actually led someone to believe that he's her steady.
She's allowed to "casual" as many boys as she wants without violating any particular ethical code.
Patrick at March 22, 2011 4:21 PM
Sounds like one of her less attractive/less popular 'friends' is trying to guilt her into giving up her perfectly fine, fun social life to me. Probably gave her the "you owe it to them to be honest" speech. I had one such who told me I should not dress up when going out with her because if I did, I was "deliberately trying to make her feel bad about herself".
Seriously, unless and until you tell a guy he is the one and only, you owe him your undivided attention during your date, and that is it. (and by that I mean don't be tweeting/texting/cell phone chatting instead of, you know, date stuff).
Kat at March 22, 2011 5:20 PM
I agree with Kat, one of her fugly freinds is envyous of her social life.
I'd love to date a woman like the LW. So many of the women I dated in high school and college felt that even one date meant you were in a monogomuas relationship until it was offically over - ofcourse I did grow up in Utah.
Funny thing about those women too was how often they'd dump the guy they were engaged to while he was off doing missionary work to marry a guy they'd known for less than six months.
Anyway, serially dating only one person at a time is a great way to gaurentee you wont get a serious relationship. If you wind up investing for to much emotionally and timewise in each and every guy you'll miss good opportunites and you'll feel too vested to let a bad relationship go.
lujlp at March 22, 2011 5:38 PM
unless she's actually led someone to believe that he's her steady.
I suspect that this is what's going on. Otherwise why does she need to be concerned? The only reason that there would be a conflict is if she's stated, or implied, that she's not dating anyone else.
pluto at March 22, 2011 5:42 PM
Back when I was single, I was surprised to hear that many of my guy friends would only casually date one woman at a time. That is, if they went on a date and liked her, they wouldn't go on dates with other people.
I'd always thought it was ok to date other people unless there was a specific agreement... I could see it being unspoken, ie, after you've gone on many dates and slept together, but if I'd just had coffee a couple times I didn't consider myself to be "dating".
Maybe she has some guy friends like that.
NicoleK at March 23, 2011 1:01 AM
Yep, "I'm busy" sounds like a perfectly adequate answer to me. Funny these days how anything less than full disclosure can be taken as dishonesty.
Old RPM Daddy at March 23, 2011 4:24 AM
When I was single and casual dating, I'd always say just that I "had plans" and if anyone asked for more info or if it was something I could reschedule to see them instead, I'd say it was with friends and ask how he'd feel if I broke our next date to reschedule with the friends. This usually ended that convo.
As for sleeping around with all these casual dates, I tended not to do that. For years I had a good friend with benefits which kept me sexually satisfied and I felt that this made me more able to judge men more correctly and not with the horny-goggles on.
When and if I decided I liked someone more and wanted the dating to progress, I'd stop seeing the other guys and sleeping with the friend with benefits and spend the time to see where it would go.
I think this worked well for me although sometimes felt like the sex was so great with the friend, I didn't try very hard to let any of the casual dating become more serious. And I did not want more than friendship and sex from the friend but it sometimes became too comfortable.
Thankfully, I moved on from him and found a great guy and got married.
it's just me at March 23, 2011 5:31 AM
"Why did this woman write you? It doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong...unless she's actually led someone to believe that he's her steady."
I would imagine she's encountered someone who thinks what she's doing (her sister, mother, aunt, friend, etc) is wrong and she's unconsciously trying to get someone to agree with her who is a professional so she'll feel better about being a complete slut*.
*Just kidding.
Razor at March 23, 2011 6:32 AM
She owes honest answers when asked, and is obligated to not mislead by omission once she determines or suspects the guy is operating under a false assumption about mutual exclusivity.
So if a guy asks, "Are you seeing other people besides me?" or some varian, she should say yes. She is not obligated to name who they are or anything, but a straight answer is called for.
Similarly, if a guy seems to think they are an exclusive item and his words or behavior suggests that, she needs to explain to him that is not the case, at least as far as she is concerned.
All that said, if I had to guess, the real issue she has is she wants to keep one or more of her dating paramours in the dark, for fear of losing that particular playmate. If so, not fair; people have a right to know what the terms of the relationship really are.
She would be well-advised to also make it clear somewhere along the way towards the bedroom that until a mutual understanding regarding exclusivity is expressly reached, no person she is dating should assume one, including the one she is then talking to.
All of that is how she would expect to be treated, I think, and thus that is what she owes others.
Spartee at March 23, 2011 6:34 AM
Assuming she means 'just dating', I think she should just be honest and say 'I'm dating multiple guys right now'. If she's e.g. sleeping with multiple of the partners she's dating, or she already knows that for some of them, she's not interested long-term, but is just using them to get wined and dined (or whatever), then I'd say it starts to border on dishonesty.
Lobster at March 23, 2011 8:03 AM
Hey, if two guys call...you have multiple ports, so to speak. Offer to berth a couple big ships at once.
BOTU at March 23, 2011 5:29 PM
I think the question (and answer) is a good one and warrants repetition from time to time. Too many people date one person and get serious too quickly - especially men who don't have a lot of options.
dr at March 24, 2011 11:40 AM
Me: Hey, want to go to that new place on Friday?
Her: No, I've already got a date. But I'm free on (Saturday, sunday, etc)
Me: I can do that, I'll call you then.
OH TEH DRAMA.
ErikZ at March 24, 2011 3:01 PM
LW should think about it this way: if her plans were to have her mustache waxed, would she feel obligated to provide full disclosure? Probably not. Indeed many people use the coy "I have other plans" line to achieve the exact opposite effect: making the person think they have another date when they are in fact getting their mustache waxed. If LW is actually going on multiple dates then she's a step ahead of the game.
Shannon at March 26, 2011 7:12 PM
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