I offhandedly mentioned to a friend that I thought her married brother was really cute. She revealed that his divorce (from a 10-year marriage) would soon be final. (It will be at the end of this month.) She then played matchmaker. He and I have been dating for three months. Things were going fabulously -- until a few nights ago. We were picking a movie to watch on his laptop, and I noticed one of his browser pages was opened to Match.com. He saw that I saw it but said nothing. The thought that he's continuing his search for romance hurts. I feel like I'm not good enough. I've gone from being comfortable seeing where this goes to wanting to have the "define the relationship" talk. Am I being irrational? Should I just try to relax? (Of course, he could've been on Match because he's canceling his membership or tying up loose ends.)
--Beside Myself
Sure, the guy could've been on Match to cancel his membership -- or to inflate his salary and height. He's just getting out of a 10-year marriage. This is the time for a man to play the field -- or, in Tennyson's words, "When sprung, a young man's fancy turns to ill-advised sex with a string of bar sluts."
Whoops, just as he was about to finish picking the lock on his ball and chain, up popped you. He likes you, he's having fun with you, but the timing is still the timing. Instead of expecting him to take himself off the market before he's even signed his divorce papers, consider that his comparison shopping is not only in his best interest but yours. If, after seeing who's out there, he comes back to you, it's because he wants you for all the things you are, as opposed to the one thing you're not: his almost-ex-wife.
Of course you want to nail down a good thing -- especially when you suspect it's been trolling the Internet for your replacement. But, having the "define the relationship" talk at this point would most likely define the relationship right out of existence. You can't make a man commit. What you can do is make the most out of whatever time you have together -- which takes accepting that things end and that you can't order up love without the risks: "I'll take the candle-lit dinners, regular sex, and somebody to snake the drain -- but no heartbreak, no pickles, and a Diet Coke with three ice cubes."
It's actually when you stop trying to hang on to a guy and you just try to have fun hanging out that he's more likely to want to stick around. Tell this guy you understand his situation and the timing, and just ask whether he's dating other women. He should get the sense that you aren't somebody he can put on hold indefinitely, and you should set up some sort of cutoff date in your own mind to ensure that he won't. Meanwhile, if he isn't exclusive to you, you should make yourself a little less available. Give him a chance to miss you. In time, maybe he'll be all yours -- or maybe he won't. If you need a guarantee, date a washing machine. You can tell people you met online -- on Sears.com: "I flirted with a Whirlpool first, but he had me at 30 percent off until midnight."
My girlfriend is cute, but I've never really been attracted to her or found her intellectually interesting. Perhaps it's unfair that I've stayed for so long (two and a half years), but there's much I love and admire about her. She's compassionate, ethical, good-humored, and patient, and she treats me like a king -- cooks extraordinary meals, gives me backrubs and rejuvenating skin care treatments. Is there hope for us?
--Pampered
There's much you love and admire about your girlfriend -- like the way she plucks those little stray hairs from between your brows. Just think where you'd be without her. Well, probably in a sexually and intellectually fulfilling relationship, but with much larger pores. Maybe you believe that if you like a woman as a person, everything will fall into place. She'll get interesting. Sexual attraction will come. Or, maybe that's what you tell yourself to keep those cucumber facials coming. You obviously have minimum standards for a girlfriend. Hold them up to women you meet, and ditch those who don't measure up -- before they spend two years waiting on Your Royal Highness. Unfortunately, the love you now have will be hard to replace. Unless, of course, you can score an appointment at the corner massage place, buy yourself dinner afterward, and, on your way home, stop off at the drugstore for some Biore face strips.
May 24, 2011My 27-year-old girlfriend has two kids (ages 10 and 5). She is financially stable and owns her own house. We began planning to get married, but then she said she didn't want any more children. She cites the financial burden, the time a baby would take from "us," how she'd be starting all over again, and not wanting to do that to her body again. I think she's being selfish, seeing me as good enough to help raise her two girls but not good enough to have a child with. I want a child who's genetically related to me, who I can raise and form from the start. I told her, if she won't have a baby, I won't take the next step and get married and purchase a house together. Am I in the wrong here, or is she?
--Feeling Used
It's always so cute when a man announces "WE'RE having a baby!" -- as if "WE" will be getting huge, bloated, and hormonal, and nuzzling the toilet bowl for nine months. And then there's the really fun part, when WE get strapped to a table, legs spread, and we're surrounded by strangers shouting "Push! Push!" (As if it's sheer laziness that keeps a person from squeezing a Mack truck out a carport-sized opening.)
Your fiancee was a teen mother way back before you'd get a reality series for that and has now spent over a third of her life being somebody's mommy. Not surprisingly, she isn't into having yet another human being to be responsible for for the next 20-plus years -- understanding all too well that "Hey, can we get a new person?!" isn't like getting another kitten (as in, what's one more once you've already got two shedding on the couch?).
Unfortunately, it seems you assumed there'd be some sort of kid pro quo here: You drive her kids to soccer and admire their crayonings, and she'd make you a kid of your own. You're right to expect some really big hugs for doing the stand-in dad thing, but just because she has the womanparts doesn't mean she owes it to you to fire up the assembly line and give you an heir. What you're calling selfishness on her part is actually a sign of emotional health -- not being so needy that she'd agree to be your baby vending machine, only to end up resentful and angry ("Here's your lunchbox, you little snot!").
You don't get a kid out of her by acting like one -- sniffling that you're "not good enough to have a child with" and announcing, "No baby, no marry, no housie!" Instead of trying to pout and guilt her into more motherhood, discuss this like adults to see whether there's any wiggle room here. (Don't get your hopes up.) As for your question about which one of you is in the wrong, you're probably just wrong for each other. Ultimately, this could be one of those unfortunate situations where love just isn't enough. Two people also have to want the same major things: Must love dogs. Must want kids. Need to be horsewhipped daily.
Should this relationship crash and burn, try to learn from it: If you really, really want to be something's dad, prudent family planning involves casually putting that out there as early as the first date. This isn't foolproof, but it beats the other kind of family planning: planning to swap out the wife's birth control pills for 30 days of Tic Tacs: "Gee, my Ortho-Novum tastes minty-fresh!"
Last week, my 25-year-old daughter's ex-boyfriend said hi to me in a bar, and one thing led to another, and we ended up in bed. I felt absolutely terrible about what happened, and then my daughter, out of the blue, announced that she's finally over him. In fact, she insisted she is. Is there any way I could keep seeing him, and if so, should I tell her?
--Don't Want To Lose My Daughter
A mother doesn't risk her relationship with her daughter for just anything. In your case, somebody has to say hi. (One wonders what you'd do for "Lovely weather we're having" or "Have a nice day.") If you care at all about your daughter, think hard about what creepy, narcissistic competitiveness led you to go home with her ex and how creepy you're still being, wondering how you might snag her okay to go back for seconds. Sure, your daughter said she's over the guy. And she could be -- more than anybody has ever been over anybody -- and still never get over hearing her mother say, "Oh, sweetie, I bumped into your ex...and then I ground into him for hours."
May 17, 2011I'm in a relationship that feels like it could last, but I'm afraid of ending up like my parents: constantly bickering over minutiae, snarling at each other from other rooms, and slamming doors. The thing is, my boyfriend and I are already starting to fight over the stupidest stuff!
--Worried
Before you know it, you're thinking, "What was it, a year ago, he was promising me the moon, and now he can't even bring home the right freaking pepper?!"
Being annoying is the human condition. But, the partner who will be most annoying is one you only find halfway hot -- somebody you have the hots for physically but whose character flaws and incompatibilities you ignore. You basically need to have a crush on a partner as a human being (have deep respect and even admiration for who he is and how he goes about life). Being human, he'll do things that would annoy a Buddhist monk who could relax for an afternoon in a tank of fire ants. If you have the hots for him all around, it's far less likely that the things you dream of doing to him in bed will involve strangling or blunt force trauma.
You should also make sure your partner isn't your second greatest love, after your love of being right. Approaching problems as "ours" rather than "mine vs. yours" takes what researcher John Gottman calls "deep friendship," where overwhelming positive feelings about each other and the relationship really suck the life out of any negative ones. The more relationship research I read, the more essential an overall positive sentiment seems. For example, researcher Shelly Gable found that the happiest relationships involve partners who make sacrifices for each other -- because they love and want to support their partner, and not as some sort of investment to avoid conflict or keep from losing them. So, in a good relationship, a guy goes to his girlfriend's poetry reading because it means a lot to her to have him there, and not because it means a lot to him to keep her from running off with some spoken-word slacker who doesn't wash between his toes.
Each time you snap at each other, you hack a little chunk out of your relationship. Before long, snapping becomes the culture of your relationship, and you become your snarly parents. It helps to make a pact that you won't act like you've forgotten you love each other. Of course, there will probably be times you slip and get nasty. What's important is not letting yourselves stay nasty. Not for a minute. Not even for 30 seconds.
If you do have "deep friendship," there's a good chance you'll vault yourselves out of the feel-bad situation with what Gottman calls "the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples" -- "the repair attempt." This is something you say or do, maybe even something silly like making a face you know will crack your partner up, that defuses the tension and keeps the argument from getting out of hand. This is essential, since Gottman has found that a couple's success in preventing negativity from escalating when they argue is one of the primary factors in whether a marriage lasts -- and not in the sense that your parents' has: "Please help us celebrate our 30 years -- of nonstop screaming, door slamming, and vicious putdowns. Dinner and character assassination, followed by dancing."
My girlfriend of three months seems to relish treating me like her narcissistic psycho ex-boyfriend treated her -- constantly pulling away and basically putting her on an emotional rollercoaster. She brings up her ex in almost every conversation, although I've asked her not to. I keep telling her mature love is about putting out what you wish to receive, and she agrees. Should I stay with her while she struggles to overcome her past?
--Mistreated
"Mature love"? At best, that sounds like a porn mag put out by the AARP or some old man's pickup line: "Something tells me you aren't wearing any Depends." The last person who should be pontificating about "mature love" is a guy who thinks he can lecture somebody into providing it. Even better, your student is a woman who treats your relationship like the revenge phase of her last one. (Her narcissistic psycho ex is gone, but you'll do.) If you want a project, buy macaroni and glue. If you're really after "mature love," you need a woman who's capable of sharing it with you. This starts with recognizing that "mature love" doesn't only involve "putting out what you wish to receive" but putting out what you don't -- and then running inside and bolting the door so it can't get back in.
May 10, 2011I've been married for 10 years. I'm 43, well-educated, financially well-off, and fit. My husband and I are wonderful friends, and I love him dearly. However, for reasons he won't tell me, he decided eight years ago that he was no longer interested in sex. He says it's "too much work." He refuses to discuss it further. Also, for work reasons, we live apart. So, I have taken lovers. My husband doesn't like this, but I pay all his expenses so he can live his dream life, so he doesn't complain much. Four years ago, I moved to be with a man I got involved with, but the relationship felt more like a bridge than a destination, so I went back to my husband. Now, I love a man who wants to marry me, but I fear that ALL relationships degrade into roommate situations. I do fantasize that there's one perfect soulmate for me, and with him, I'll be able to commit. For now, I guess staying married helps me keep up appearances that I'm stable and normal while I hold on to the fairy tale that marriage is a forever relationship.
--Compartmentalizing
I must have missed that fairy tale -- the one where the couple get married and go off to live happily ever after in the house with the white picket fence and the 2.5 boyfriends.
Two years into your marriage, your husband took early retirement from sex, deeming it "too much work." Well, sure, it takes some elbow grease, but it isn't exactly picking lettuce in the hot sun for $3 an hour. Although he refuses to even discuss this any further, you keep him on staff -- as your Vice President of The Illusion of Safety and Security.
Keeping him on your payroll allows you to play both sides of the street -- married and taken and single and available. Single and available allows you your flingy fun. Still being married allows you to stay in himbo limbo -- avoiding anything more emotionally risky or stressful than retreating to your couch to wait for your mythical soulmate to fall into your life like a meteorite. The truth is, there are probably various men who are compatible with you in important ways, but there is no such thing as a soulmate -- no one perfect partner whose mere presence in your life will dry up all your problems like a big tube of Clearasil.
No matter how compatible two people are, things will never be as hot long term as they were at the start, but they're the unhottest for those who think a great relationship will just happen to them. Those are the people who wait until the urge strikes to hug or kiss their partner. Bad idea. Just do it -- several times daily. And make a pact that you'll keep having sex regularly -- even when one of you doesn't totally feel like it. Sex researcher Rosemary Basson found that arousal is "triggerable"; just start making out, and you'll get turned on and get into it. Ultimately, you have to fill a marriage with loving and sexual acts, and love and sex should continue -- assuming you're with somebody whose idea of sex in marriage isn't sending his spouse out to bars to score it off somebody else.
My girlfriend of four years is a wonderful person I still love. And, yes, I messed up and feel terrible about it. She wanted to get married and have children, and I realized I didn't. She not only dumped me, she's calling me horrible (and untrue) things, like a liar and a fake -- weeks after telling me what a great person I am and how deeply she loves me.
--Mud
There's a good chance your girlfriend spent a substantial part of your four years together waiting for you to pop the question, and not the one that goes "So, did you get all of your stuff out of my place?" Not every woman wants The Royal Wedding and a bunch of babies, but a whole lot do, especially when they're bumping up against 30, and that shouldn't be exotic cultural knowledge for any guy. It would've been nice if you'd been speedier in figuring out that you weren't up for the husband thing. But, assuming you didn't promise you'd marry her while crossing your fingers behind your back, it isn't like you committed some sort of relationship fraud. Ultimately, it was up to your girlfriend to let you know that the stakes were marriage or bust. You can regret hurting her, but maybe take solace in no longer being with a woman who loves you so deeply and thinks so highly of you that she wants nothing less than to spend the rest of her life with you, you lying fake.
May 3, 2011My boyfriend of 10 months asked me for my idea of a romantic evening, and I said I think it's really romantic to make dinner together. He asked for specifics, and I ended up pretty much describing what my last boyfriend and I used to do: have wine and cheese, burn this particular incense I love, listen to "This American Life," then make dinner together. This is now what my boyfriend does to "surprise" me. He has downloaded tons of "This American Life" episodes and even burns the same incense my ex and I used to! I'm certain I sound like a total creep, but it really isn't romantic to have your significant other surprise you by doing exactly what he was told.
--The Ingrate
With a guy who follows directions as closely as your boyfriend, you must be a little disappointed that, when he asked what you find romantic, you didn't toss off, "Oh, a man who builds a 500-foot obelisk to my beauty." ("Honey, your obelisk is ready!")
You're irritated that he didn't work harder; he just went, "Great, now I have my list." But, he wasn't the only uncreative one. You didn't bother unlocking the old imagination cabinet. You rattled off details, down to the brand of incense, as if they were random enjoyments that came to mind, not the foreplay report from your last relationship. And come on, what did you expect, the guy to ask, "Hey, baby, tell me what you find romantic," and then say, "Cool! I'll do something else!"?
Maybe he reconstituted what you told him because he isn't very creative or maybe because he's a guy. Men are often a little unsure of themselves in the romance-crafting department. It just isn't the lifelong pursuit for them that it is for so many women, like the woman on an author panel I moderated who opened her book with the line "I was born to be a bride." Books about men's lives tend to start more like "We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold" or "I am a sick man. ... I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased."
Let's be honest: How many combos are there for romantic dinners? Should he have changed wine and cheese to wine and little canned wieners? Instead of incense, should he have seen if Raid had come out with a bug spray called "That Special Evening"? Be grateful for what you have -- a boyfriend who wants to please you. To help him succeed, tell him that what you really find romantic are surprises, and then suggest doing as my friend and her girlfriend do: Take turns planning and surprising each other on date night. The non-planning partner need only show up at the appointed time and follow any prearranged directions, like "wear a parachute" or "bring a sharpened machete."
Should you find yourself a little more surprised than you were hoping for ("Wow...a puppet theater to act out our relationship issues!"), see that you don't squelch his newfound romantic creativity. Heavily praise what you'd like more of, and be prepared to put on your game face for anything short of a picnic dinner of chocolate-covered crickets and toasts to your love with rainwater from the Japanese reactor.
How do I find a nice guy? I'm 26, educated and attractive, and I can spell. I'm a figure skater, so most of the guys I interact with are under 18 or gay. I'm really not into the bar scene, either.
--Circling The Rink
You say you're looking for a "nice guy," then you narrow that down: He can't be gay, 16, or wearing more Lycra, sequins, and tassels than you are. When I emailed you to further narrow what you're seeking, you said, "I don't know exactly...nice, intelligent, educated...not a jerk/boor." Well, that winnows it. Shockingly, you aren't looking for a guy who's evil, uneducated, unethical, and crass.
Refining what you want beyond generic good qualities takes getting a good sense of who you are and what you value. But, if you're like a lot of women, you'll also need to date the wrong guys to pare down who's right for you. This requires leaving the ice rink. Go places. Throw parties. Smile, flirt, be friendly. Maybe even in bars. No, you don't have to join "the bar scene." Just stop by for happy hour and flirt with some guy who's having a beer with his business partner. He may not be "nice, intelligent, educated," but when he stands up, odds are 26,879,000,000-to-1 that you'll find he's wearing businessman pants, not electric-blue shimmery tights with fishnet side panels.