Urine For Surprises!
On both of my dinner dates with this guy, he's excused himself to the bathroom and taken forever. Longer than any girl I know. Like, 10 minutes. Although I barely know him, he doesn't seem vain or like someone who'd be doing drugs. We're going out again, and I hate to be rude and pry, but I'm really starting to wonder.
--Mystified
It could be something intestinal. Protozoan sock hop? Parasite pride rally? He could've been calling his wife or his bookie or enjoying a mid-date masturbation break. Or, maybe he just needed a good cry. Saying nothing to him sets you up as an easy mark if he's a scammer, and as a pushover if he's just a garden-variety jerk. Saying something is less uncomfortable if you use humor. Next time he returns from a sabbatical in a stall, maybe ask "That time of the month again?" and see if he offers some sort of explanation or just asks to borrow a tampon.
If you keep dating him, put him on double secret probation and be prepared for the other shoe to drop (perhaps in a Larry Craig "wide stance"). A guy who takes a 10-minute bathroom break needn't lay out all the icky details, but one who isn't socially incompetent, devoid of empathy or too troubled to care will volunteer some hint that he wasn't snorting lines of powder off the toilet seat ("I picked up something in Guatemala, and it wasn't one of those brightly colored bags").
> "That time of the month again?"
LOL.
This is the kind of comment that my guy friends and I use with some regularity on each other.
It'd be pretty amusing for a woman to use it.
TJIC at July 12, 2011 8:15 PM
Definitely think breezy is the way to go here. If it is something medical and/or slightly embarrassing, he's probably thinking that you're thinking what you're thinking and is getting even more embarrassed. He knows you've noticed. Ask, but don't sound overly concerned or girlfriendy. Or mommyish.
NumberSix at July 12, 2011 8:52 PM
poor sucker could have kidney stones, those suck.
Kat at July 12, 2011 9:05 PM
Seriously... writing for advice after two dates because someone took a while in the bathroom? I think LW should dump the guy and find someone who is into drama queens.
Snoopy at July 12, 2011 11:32 PM
Exactly, Snoopy. I'd wonder, too, if my date were spending so long in the bathroom, but my first stop wouldn't be an advice columnist. I wonder if she did ask anyone she knows. Typically the "what do I do about this aspect of this guy I just started dating" letters come with some sort of consensus from the LW's friends.
NumberSix at July 13, 2011 12:11 AM
Could be worse. He could have brought his own two-liter bottle to the table with him.
Batman at July 13, 2011 2:55 AM
With Snoopy and NumberSix on this one. The poor chap could be nervous, have an irritable bowel, any number of other things. Maybe he just needs to relax. And she definitely does.
Old RPM Daddy at July 13, 2011 4:02 AM
It's very possible that he's taking medication and needs privacy to do it, like insulan, or has an irritiable bowel, or is just nervous so everything is taking longer...
He could also be in there giving himself a pep talk. I have actually seen this happen...lol...
The guy was on a date and super nervous so he excused himself to go to the restroom and gave himself a pep talk in the mirror. My then boyfriend was witness to this.
Give the guy a chance. I agree with Amy's advice... Make a joke about it and see where it goes.
Sabrina at July 13, 2011 5:00 AM
I hope she's not dating my brother! He's got hemmorhoids something fierce, and spends at least 15 minutes when he goes, no matter where he is! But yeah, LW, keep it light when you ask him, he's probably embarrassed enough as it is. Just don't make any PreperationH jokes!
Flynne at July 13, 2011 5:25 AM
or enjoying a mid-date masturbation break
Is that allowed? Why didn't anyone tell me?
I tend to agree with all of you that have said he might have a medical problem and be very embarrassed about it. Especially on early dates, the last thing you want to bring up is constipation/enlarged prostate/piles/whatever. Not exactly encouraging when it comes to the "would you like to get into my pants to check" line :)
An (ex) friend of mine had the smallest bladder known to man. He would go to the toilet about every half hour when we were out, and be gone for ten minutes every time. We used to joke about it, but I never did find out what the actual problem was before we lost contact. I know for sure he wasn't doing drugs or throwing up, he drank way less than me. He just took ages to pee.
Ltw at July 13, 2011 5:42 AM
And Amy
Urine For Surprises!
Comedy gold - I'm a sucker for puns! How long do you spend coming up with the title vs writing the column?
Ltw at July 13, 2011 5:45 AM
There are possible reasons. Maybe he was nervous and the food didn't sit well with him. Maybe, as Sabrina suggested, he's diabetic and needs to inject insulin. If the guy is getting up towards my age, he could have prostate problems. He could have a touch of OCD and took a long time to clean up. Or maybe he was just reading the sports pages.
In my opinion, two dates is too soon to start getting nosy about it. With some of the above, it's going to be highly embarrassing. If the guy is a drug user, or if he's still carrying on with his supposed ex, you'll see other signs of it soon enough.
Cousin Dave at July 13, 2011 7:21 AM
There are lots of perfectly reasonable explanations for this. None of these explanations are any of your business at this point in your relationship.
You seem to like this guy and enjoy having him treat you to an evening out. Have some empathy, be a lady, and don't say a goddamn thing.
I'm glad that the ladies I've been dating lately have a lot more grace and manners than this one. Let the man take a shit in peace. Jesus.
whistleDick at July 13, 2011 7:42 AM
"or enjoying a mid-date masturbation break
Is that allowed? Why didn't anyone tell me?"
HAHAHA! Love it!
Not everyone has a hidden agenda, but in this case I think LW is right to question it, although her potential love interest might not appreciate it being broadcast over the internet.
If it is something medical, I think she should have the right to know about it. It could totally change the ballgame. Sad, but true. Not everyone is attracted to catheters, or lifelong medical bills. If he can't take meds orally, something is seriously wrong.
If it's another reason, like a phone call, unless his grammy just got out of a double bypass surgery or his stocks in the oil market just crashed, it's just plain rude, and he should show her enough respect to forward to voice mail; this is not a good start if this is the case.
However, are we talking an actual ten minutes, or is this a case of "feeling" like it took forever? Hubby calls it "woman" time.
Also, ten minutes isn't all that long, especially if the bathroom is at the other end of a large restaurant, on another floor, or there's a line up.
Angel at July 13, 2011 8:59 AM
Am I the only one who thinks it's a little early to start inquiring into the gentleman's elimination habits? Within the past six months I have spent some time on a medication that gave me, to be delicate, intestinal issues. Led to having to excuse myself abruptly 5 times in a half hour, forty-five minutes, one memorable night -- one memorable night when I was at a party. Dealing with it was bad enough; having to explain it to people would have been damned embarrassing.
She's been on two dates with the man, for cryin' out loud. They're little more than strangers. His potty habits are none of her business.
Dana at July 13, 2011 9:24 AM
ah, the memories! guy from my church came over to help draw signs for the upcoming kiddies carnival. he was a really good artist (and no, to those inquiring minds out there, i never got to see his etchings). he excused himself to use the bathroom... and ... 20 minutes later, reappeared. i had thought he had died in there, but i did occasionally hear the toiletpaper roller twirl. he, however, DID make an excuse. that was the first and last time (THANKFULLY) i ever heard the phrase "endless wipe". LW - give it a few more dates before you inquire ever-so-casually. you may find out more than you need to know!
zeldafreddy at July 13, 2011 10:01 AM
Does he read newspapers? A guy gets in there, reading a New Yorker or New York Review of Books, and 10-15 minutes blows by before you know it.
Age is not mentioned here. They say when you get older, a good bowel movement is more enjoyable than a sexual ejaculation. I have already had a few senior moments, when traveling.
He may be making phone calls to his wife. Cell phones have changed everything. So he goes to the bathroom, coos the love-talk, then back to the date.
Ask this guy is he into a three-way deal with you and a girlfriend, one that will take all night. Say that he has to turn his cell phone off, when the three of you begin romping. BTW, guys really love it when one girl deliver a rim job, and the other delivers a blow job.
After that evening, note his behavior, and report back to us. More clues may be revealed. I bet he never calls his wife again--and you have a guy in your life for a good long run.
BOTU at July 13, 2011 10:07 AM
Could be worse. He could have brought his own two-liter bottle to the table with him.
Well played, Batman!
Jen Wading at July 13, 2011 10:23 AM
Ah, the Endless Wipe (TM). All too familiar with that.
I know, TMI, but it's just to point out it's not unique.
WayneB at July 13, 2011 11:11 AM
Maybe he's on Facebook...or checking his Match.com profile for someone better...or uploading the panty shot he took underneath the table with his shoe camera to his porn site.
These are all possibilities, but I don't think she has much right to ask at this point. Just don't wear skirts.
lovelysoul at July 13, 2011 12:16 PM
Seriously, I do know of a guy who is so addicted to posting his Facebook status that he even does it during dates. He dated my gf, who got so sick of having him take photos and update his status while he was with her that she broke it off. So, he may be in the bathroom posting, "It's going well! We just shared the shrimp appetizer!"
lovelysoul at July 13, 2011 12:22 PM
Maybe checking his fantasy baseball scores?
Amy, is today Urine Day?
snakeman99 at July 13, 2011 2:39 PM
He's probably just curled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position. Nothing to worry about.
CrAsH at July 13, 2011 2:43 PM
Masturbation break—love it.
My bet is 1) on the insulin, and 2) that the LW is a bitch, and that 3) if they stayed together, the masturbation break would become much more common.
Razor at July 13, 2011 2:58 PM
My husband takes forever in the bathroom. I hate it when he uses the facilities at a restaurant, because I know it means I'll be sitting alone at the table for quite a while. I've never timed it, and I'm sure it seems like longer than is actually is, but 10 minutes would be a good bet.
He has IBS. Not the kind of thing a person can control, and not the kind of info one usually drops by the second date.
If this is the only thing the LW finds odd about this guy, I think she should let it go. What one does in the bathroom is none of anyone else's business, and that goes double for someone with whom he's gone out all of twice.
Beth at July 13, 2011 3:02 PM
"Let the man take a shit in peace. Jesus."
Too funny. That's exactly what I was thinking! My s.o. takes longer than that every morning. I don't understand what she's so worried about.
LL at July 13, 2011 3:50 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2011/07/urine-for-surpr.html#comment-2353576">comment from snakeman99Amy, is today Urine Day?
I couldn't resist putting those two together!
Anyone who lived in NYC in the 80s and 90s probably remembers 1900PEEE ads ("The extra 'e' is for extra pee!"). I think they ran on Manhattan Cable.
Amy Alkon at July 13, 2011 4:01 PM
Let's say he really is shooting up heroin in there. Do you really think he's going to cheerfully volunteer the information? There are a myriad of potential reasons why someone might take a few extra minutes in the bathroom, and the majority of them are a) embarrassing and b) none of your business.
Besides, it was only twice--could have been a fluke. Maybe there was a long line and only one working toilet on both occasions, or he happened to eat burritos for lunch both days. Seriously, don't say anything. It's rude and will only make him self-conscious and/or you look psycho.
Shannon at July 13, 2011 4:26 PM
My daughter did this every time we went to a restaurant for over 20 years. It was finally revealed that she was intolerant to high fructose corn syrup. It caused unpredictable diarrhea in her. Knowing that, she can now live a normal life.
ken in sc at July 13, 2011 6:51 PM
Maybe, as Sabrina suggested, he's diabetic and needs to inject insulin.
I'm not diabetic. But if I ever am, I'm pretty certain I'd get a kick out of injecting at the table in a restaurant, just to see the looks on people's faces (I've never thought about it, but I really love that idea). The type of girls I like would probably find it funny too. And yet I go to the public bathroom for number twos when I'm staying in a hotel with someone. You never know what people will be embarrassed by.
Ltw at July 14, 2011 1:21 AM
@Ltw, I went out years ago with a guy wth type 1 diabetes, I remember once we were at lunch and he pulled out his injection kit there was a boy (probably around 9 or 10) that was staring, it was pretty uncomfortable for me ( I was young!)
JK at July 14, 2011 7:37 AM
Um....... ask him to leave his iPhone on the table..... methinks he is texting whilst peeing :)
Bluejean Baby at July 15, 2011 7:23 PM
He may have IBS. Which is is way too much information to supply you with on a second date so I'd understand why he'd keep quiet. But if you keep seeing him, start bringing a book on your dates. At least then you have something more interesting to think about while he's...busy. And who knows, if it works out with him, this might be the weirdest thing he does.
Lia at July 19, 2011 2:14 PM
It probably IS too personal to ask at 2 dates in (I'd suspect IBS) but I can imagine that 10 minutes is a long, looooong time to sit alone at a table in a restaurant. A long time to wonder wtf he is up to. (I think I'd start taking a knitting project..)
Anne de Vries at July 22, 2011 3:41 AM
Leave a comment