"What kind of man sends his girlfriend a postcard from his sex vacation with his fling?"

BOTU. Wish you were here so we could make it a threesome!

The LW and her BF appear to be having a contest to see who can be the worst pushover.

So 6 to 9 months ago you broke up, and he did some stuff that was none of your business. Why the break up to begin with? And who's decision was it?

3 to 6 months ago you got back together after a three month hiatus and your relationship "grew stronger." WTF does that mean?
And you "demanded"(FYI guys love demands, keep that up) he "clear things up." Just a quick aside here lady, if you have to tell a guy to stop seeing a fling once you get back together, you arent back together.

I'd like to take this moment to tell the ladies something. If you are in a relationship for a while, say 6 months and on, and you break up for more then a month; if you get back together you arent in a 6 month and one relationship - you are in a NEW relationship, meaning you need to have a NEW discusion on the status of said relationship and whether or not you are seeing other people

Two weeks into your new "relationship" ago he went on a vacation with his (supposedly) former fuck buddy. Now here is where I have some real questions. And where my preceding note comes in - they are in a two week old relationship. And how many people in a two week old relationship get to dictate where, with whom, and the sex arrangment of a new lovers travel plans?
Was this a trip he had planned before or after your break up?
Why didnt you go with him?
Did he go with his fling? By this I mean did they plan this trip while they were seeing each other or did she just plan a trip which coincided with her's?
Did he have sex with her while there?

And finally I get the feeling that this is more about you not being at the wedding to show off that y0u got him back and he is yours, then the fact that someone you hardly know doesnt want you at her wedding possbly getting into it with a freind if hers just becuase your ex(and he was an ex) fucked her friend.

Now I do have a couple of follow up questions which might change my mind.
1.How long were you together before you broke up?
2.When did he get invited to the wedding?
3.How close in days, and on what side of the break up did the wedding invite come in?
4.IS the bride closer freinds with your boyfreind or his fling
5.Is the fling part of the wedding party?

And Amy, it never occured to me to ask, but do you tell the LW's when their letters go up so they can see the comments?

I mean, I'm sure not everyone who writes you bothers to look at your website and knows that you do.

Honestly, I have no advice for LW. I did cringe when reading the letter though.

Messed up.

This is like a sentence that's become overly long and complicated. It's better to scrap it and start over (with someone else). Maybe someone in Switzerland.

He's obviously been counting on her Swiss neutrality.

Wow. That letter ended up in a totally different place than "My boyfriend lives in Germany, and I'm in Switzerland."

So Werner goes on vacation with a woman he saw while you were broken up, and he sent you a postcard to let you know he isn't such a bad guy for going on a vacation with a woman he saw while you were broken up. LW, it's only natural that you're...feeling humiliated by this wedding situation.

Wasn't going to be my first guess.

With all the grappling for doormat space you and Werner are doing here, are you sure the wedding is the hill you want to die on?

"What kind of man sends his girlfriend a postcard from his sex vacation with his fling?"

BOTU. Wish you were here so we could make it a threesome!

It wouldn't be so damned funny if it wasn't true. You almost owe me for a new laptop.

You even got the tone right.

I found another letter in the box!

Dear Amy,

This guy got dumped by his long distance girlfriend and we started dating. We hit it off really well and were even making long term plans together. We had mutual friends and lived close together.

Well, that b**** came back into his life and they started seeing each other again, since they have a history. I hadn't (yet) demanded exclusivity and so I really didn't have much I could say, though I was upset.

Well, they started dating and he told me that she was putting a lot of pressure on him to be exclusive. I said I understood and he needed to make a decision. I also wanted to know what was going to happen to our expensive vacation plans which were not refundable. None of my other friends had the money or the time to switch things at the last minute. He assured me that I wouldn't go alone because he wanted to see how things developed with her. After all, she broke up with him once already. I was reassured.

We had a good vacation, though I was miffed that he sent that b**** a post card. He should have been there with me!

Then she threw a temper tantrum and he stopped seeing me. I was devastated and I discussed the matter with my friend who was getting married. She told me she was bad news too and told the guy that while he was invited, that man stealing tramp wasn't.

Now he's talking about not showing. That woman is trying to edge out all his other relationships.

So, should I have an intervention?

A similar letter was asked on Dear Margo last week. Here's the link.

http://www.wowowow.com/dear-margo/dear-margo-the-answer-is-not-geography/

LW #2

Definitely looks like the same LW wrote to Margo. Her advice is somewhat different, but she also got a somewhat different question. That letter makes LW sound much more mature and rational than she comes off here (no mentions of screaming or being more concerned about the wedding than everything else that's wrong). I usually love Margo, but it looks like she didn't properly correspond with the LW, thus she didn't get the real information. Good for Amy for digging.

I'm also betting Margo got a thanks from her, since Margo didn't point out LW's own spinelessness (which she usually does).

I find that Dear Margo puts up a lot of questions that I've read somewhere else. Her responders get nasty if you point it out. This is why I find Amy a far superior advice columnist.

"Two weeks into your new "relationship" ago he went on a vacation with his (supposedly) former fuck buddy. Now here is where I have some real questions. And where my preceding note comes in - they are in a two week old relationship. And how many people in a two week old relationship get to dictate where, with whom, and the sex arrangment of a new lovers travel plans?"

I disagree with this. It's not a two week old relationship. The relationship contains the entirety of what's happened between two people, it hasn't become a blank slate because there was a breakup in the middle. Whatever they decided on exclusivity when they got back together, it's not the same as a couple who have dated only two weeks. There is much more water under this couple's bridge.

Not saying its a blank slate Lizze, ofcourse you are going to know every thing you already know.

My point is they werent in a relationship for almost three months just because they got back together doesnt mean they are back together at who ever long they were when they split.

If they decided together to reinstate the rules of their old relationship that is one thing, if she just assumed they would and never discussed it shes got a problem justifying how she felt the (sex/no sex - we dont know if he did or not) vacation

LookI'mnot saying the guy is a peach but if it was an RSVP wedding for a REALLY good freind, and he replied durring the breakup and it was an expensive vacation package I'd be doing the same thing.

That he had to be told to tell the fling he was back in couplehood is a bad sign - assuming its true

Yup. Good or bad, the old relationship will influence the new.

But that doesn't mean that the GF immediately resumes all her old authority in the relationship. No matter who broke it off, that's a pretty big signal that the relationship is on shakey ground and immediately throwing one's weight around like you're a fiance isn't always a winner...as she found out.

Vacations are expensive, preplanned, and frequently nonrefundable. Giving up one's shot (particularly if/when a child's schedule is also involved) is a huge thing to request from a guy who was, up until two weeks ago, your past.

That being said: the guy was dishonest if he actually said he'd 'clear things up' with the 'fling' and continued dating her IF it was pretty explicit that they were supposed to be exclusive.

This sounds like one of those 'rough patches' where a couple is once again trying to integrate but isn't sure about the relationship. A quick dip in the dating pool to make sure they are really happy with 'The One'. Guys do it; girls do it. Doesn't make it right but it doesn't make it evil.

If that's the case, she can feel soothed by the fact that even after this so called orgy vacation, he came back to her.

The LW should probably just ditch him, unless she can figure out some way to vault herself to the top of the list of people he wants to please.

Trying to please everyone will give him boatloads of misery throughout his life, so she should just shake her head, pity him a little, and move on.

I guess Rachel is still not getting over Ross's actions when they were on a break.

I can totally understand why a bride or groom would not invite certain people to a wedding for the sake of preventing drama.

That said, anyone decent would simply and politely decline an exclusive invitation.

And who the hell goes on trips with non-family single members of the opposite sex when they are in a relationship with someone else? Answer: cheating assholes. (This is about as big a red flag as you can get that a relationship is and/or will be a total fail.)

Wow. How much cruelty and neglect does this woman need to receive before she wakes up to the fact that she's better off without him?

I hope your email response to her, Amy, was a bit more direct.

The both of them need to start over. With SOMEONE ELSE.

And, of course, they both need to grow backbones where there wishbones are.

agreed

Please, oh PLEASE break up with this guy! He not only degraded you by keeping the sex vacation with his little strumpet, but he then rubbed your nose in it with the postcard! That's cold!

What a lowlife he is.

I like flydye's alternative letter. There are always two sides to every story. It doesn't sound to me like German guy has done anything THAT bad.

Had a fling while broken up? Nothing wrong with that.

Kept vacation plans with said fling? A little sketchy, but the alternative might have meant a significant financial loss, plus it's kind of shitty to back out on plans.

Sent postcard? Well, it shows he's was thinking of her.

LW didn't get invited to wedding? Not his fault.

German's going anyway? Well, do you really expect him to miss his best friend's wedding on behalf of his on-and-off girlfriend.

Maybe German is actually an unethical, two-timing scumbag and that's not adequately conveyed in this letter, but I'm personally not really seeing it. It seems to me like he's just trying to make the best of an awkward situation, and handling it fairly well, all things considered. Unless he is actually cheating with the other woman than I don't think LW has cause for complaint, and needs to suck it up.

Unless she was willing to reimburse him for the expense of the vacation what was he supposed to do? Throw a few grand down the toilet on the chance that his two week old relationship with a woman he had been seperated from for a few months was going to work?

Now I'm willing to bet the guy was a douche and had sex with the fling again, but we dont know that.
We dont know the circumstances that led to their break up, all we know is that lady is pissed because her boyfreind is a jackass and she's too spinless to address her on again off again lovers spinlessness.

But quite frankly if I had sunk a few hundered to a few grand into a vacation I wouldnt eat the cost for someone I just got involved in, whether it be a new relationship or a renewed relationship. Not at two weeks in. Given the fact he sent a post card it suggests the vacation was more than just a long weekend.

If she had been the one to make plans and her had been the one demanding she cancell and demanding she 'clear things up' we'd be calling him abusive and controling

I am not buying the spinelessness 'pleaser' profile. Not over this letter.

He was BROKEN UP. He had, despite what the LW said, a RELATIONSHIP. I don't make week long plans with a girl I just dipped my wick into a time or two. I do that with people whom I am considering long term prospects. This woman, however briefly, meant something to him.

So...LW sashays back into his life and demands he be a dick to this other woman. Because that is exactly what it would be: a rude move to someone else. If he was truly spineless, he'd slink over to her side and say 'yes dear'. After all, she's the one he's supposedly having sex with now. One would think a 'pleaser' would bend over backwards for his current sex toy.

He can't be an abusive a-hole and a spineless wimp at the same time. Pick one.

He had a tough choice: Be an a-hole to a woman whom he planned something expensive with who was also a mutual friend with his best friend as well as disappoint his kid on his vacation; or be an a-hole to a woman who broke up with him/wasn't good enough for him the first time and lives 300 km away at least and whom he sees every other weekend.

No matter what happened, he was going to be a 'douche' to someone. He made his choice, and now is trying to fix the damage. The vacation was to close one chapter of his life and settle his debts.

Of course, this belief is predicated on the wild assumption that a guy isn't allowed to be a dick to a lot of other people simply because he is in a two week old relationship.

flyde brings up an interesting point noone else has considered, the kid. It is entirely possible that the kid went on the vacation as well.

I suppose thats part of the problem disceting these types of situations, even with all the info we have, the info we dont is far more extensive

I can only imagine ho ward Amy has to work pulling info out of people

You read the Margo letter, more than likley the same person, you'd assume all the sex with the fling occurded after they got back together

Look, homie's problem was he was trying to have his cake and eat it too.

You can't promise a relationship to two women, on account of there's only one of you and physics has things to say about that sort of thing.

And they don't like you just switching back and forth either.

Dude needs to get his shit together before he tries this relationship thing again.

And both women are guilty of wearing the rose-colored glasses of eternal relationship optimism. They both need a reality check or two as well.

People need to grow the fuck up.

Ouch! You pegged it Amy, in your classic, no nonsense style! I love you! ;}

Shannon: Kept vacation plans with said fling? A little sketchy, but the alternative might have meant a significant financial loss, plus it's kind of shitty to back out on plans.

Sorry, I can't agree with this. Even if he wasn't with someone else, if you plan on taking a vacation with someone, and you break up before then, you cut your losses and go.

That isn't just "a little sketchy." That's a "dealbreaker."

Shannon: Sent postcard? Well, it shows he's was thinking of her.

Yeah, like a joke I heard about a guy whose wife likes to talk during sex...and one night she called him from Philadelphia.

The only reservations I had about Amy's advice is that it might have been too soft. But I know from experience, she's generally more direct in private correspondence. So, I sure she was more direct in her emails.

The chronic-pleaser is definitely a tragic flaw. Warren G. Harding, who was basically a good guy (if you overlook the fact that he was a Klansman), had the same problem. His father pegged him when he said that it was lucky he wasn't born a girl, as he would be in the "family way" all the time. "You can't say NO!"

And because of his poker-playing, liquor guzzling (during prohibition) buddies, he would be remembered as having perhaps the worst administration in history...although Grant gives him a run for the money.

Lizzie-

That would have been a great postcard. I congratulate you.

Women rarely have a sense of humor. You send a postcard like, "Please send money, the call girls are expensive in Hamburg," and they get bent out of shape.

Seriously, women are far too possessive. The "don't ask, don't tell" rule is a must in all relationships that are expected to last.

Relationships and marriages should not be prisons. LW needs to calm down and count herself lucky she has such an obviously attractive mate.

. The "don't ask, don't tell" rule is a must in all relationships that are expected to last.

As long as that applies equally to her. If these two get married and have kids, I'm sure "If you don't ask me if this kid is yours, I won't tell" will go over well.

Our relationship grew stronger for a couple weeks, and then I learned he was going on vacation with her.

So... they were back together for a couple weeks, and THEN he told her about his vacation plans? Or maybe she was just assuming they were exclusive again, when we was thinking they weren't yet and therefore the vacay wouldn't be a problem?

Either way, if you have to "scream" at a guy to give him the "courage" to break up with another woman, it does not bode well.

"The guy has to stay in Germany because he has shared custody of his son, and this woman will have to give up a job she loves, with great salary and potential for advancement, to be with him. This is very serious, and he's pathologically a pleaser. "

As we say in the South: "That ain't gonna work."

This guy needs to learn how to get what he wants without buying into the "relationship or nothing...and relationship means blah blah blah" bullshit that the culture tries to sell you on.

Margo is officially a joke now. LW deserves what she gets just for wasting your time, Amy.

Never does it cease to amaze me...the amount of unmitigated crap people will willingly swallow to maintain any sort of quasi-emotional connection.