Between A Walk And A Hard Place
I've had a seven-year crush on an acquaintance despite how, whenever I see him, he barely remembers he's met me before. I'm now eight months into a relationship with a wonderful man. While at a bar with him, I ran into my crush. He was all over me and emailed later to ask me on a hike. On one hand, it's just a hike. On the other hand, I'm terrified to risk losing what I have.
--Conflicted
Sure he wants to go on a hike -- a hike your skirt up over your head. It's tempting to have your shot at the one who got away. That one's usually more sparkly and exciting than the one who holds your hair back after a few-too-many at a party lands you on the roadside, giving what's left of the grapes back to nature. The question is, who really wants to go on this hiking date, you or your ego? You determine that by laying out the qualities you find essential in a man and seeing whether your boyfriend has them. Also consider that a relationship takes more than finding somebody with a blast of bar charisma; it's a "culture" two people create by being together. If your relationship is really good, you're gambling a lot. Much as you want to believe your crush has finally "seen" you, maybe he has just seen that you're taken and wants to engage in a little poaching -- the kind where the thing you bag in the woods gets to ride back in the truck cab instead of roped to the hood.
No no no, LW! Do NOT go on this hike. If you do, your crush won't be seeing the real you, he'll be seeing "Easy Lay!" Don't risk what you've got with the "wonderful man". Your crush only wants you because he sees you with someone else. This is so cliche, but only because it's so true: "It's not the kill, it's the thrill of the chase." Stay with the wonderful man, and let the crush chase someone else, who he'll discard once he's got her. Listen to your gut. With a guy like your crush, it's much better to be the butterfly. If he wants you bad enough, and he's willing to work to get you, he will. He hasn't up until now, though. I wouldn't expect that to change.
Flynne at November 22, 2011 6:22 PM
It could be that the guy you've had a crush on always liked you as well and just isn't good at showing it. Perhaps he loosened up while at the bar.
Examine why you've had this long time crush. Is it simply his looks, or is he a really interesting guy? There's nothing wrong with a hike to find out.
You're not married. Bang 'em both. Who cares? You're an adult.
whistleDick at November 22, 2011 6:46 PM
LW, go on the "hike", and given what you've said here, the "wonderful man" will no longer trust you.
Is that what you want?
Radwaste at November 22, 2011 6:47 PM
Amy: "poaching -- the kind where the thing you bag in the woods gets to ride back in the truck cab instead of roped to the hood."
Good God, could you be any more brilliant?
Mary at November 22, 2011 8:24 PM
Examine why you've had this long time crush.
Definitely. I think it's odd there's nothing about why she's had this crush on a guy that never seems to remember her, unless it's for just that reason. While I think it's really unlikely the crush has always had a thing for her, too, she needs to look at why she started liking him and why she still likes him now. Is it just habit? Had she forgotten all about him until he showed up, or was she constantly thinking about him? Was the crush excited to see her before he saw she was with her boyfriend? How did the boyfriend react to the crush being "all over" her at the bar? Does he know anything about the crush?
If you're unsure on those, LW, then it may be best to do without both men for a while until you've sorted yourself out.
NumberSix at November 22, 2011 9:10 PM
I have a hard time with the part where he never remembers her. Seems like if he were interested, he'd remember.
KrisL at November 22, 2011 10:09 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2011/11/between-a-walk.html#comment-2789000">comment from MaryAmy: "poaching -- the kind where the thing you bag in the woods gets to ride back in the truck cab instead of roped to the hood." Good God, could you be any more brilliant?
Awww, thank you, Mary! I loved writing that!
And a brief note - for those of you who like my writing, I'm signing with a new lit agent, and need to sell as many copies of I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman's battle to beat some manners into impolite society before January as possible. (Also, it's funny and people seem to like it!)
Amy Alkon at November 22, 2011 11:25 PM
"I have a hard time with the part where he never remembers her. Seems like if he were interested, he'd remember."
Well, was he in a relationship with someone else all or most of this time? Maybe he didn't remember her because she just wasn't on his radar of potential romantic interests.
That said, there are a lot of people who seem to only want what they can't have, so I agree that it may simply be because she has a boyfriend now.
This is one of those moments where she has to decide if she can live without knowing the "what if?" It's totally ok if she can't. She's not married. But she needs to accept that she may well lose the guy she's with.
Then again, she may spend an afternoon with her crush and realize he's not all that, which could make her appreciate her current boyfriend even more. It could benefit her relationship to stop romantizing this other guy.
LS at November 23, 2011 8:24 AM
Amy: Sorry for offtopic, but regarding your book and Amazon store. Have your book on Nook. Loved it. I'm one of those evil people who prefer to buy my books either my Nook or my Kindle. I see several book titles in your mall I would like to buy. Is there a way to purchase the e-version that would give you credit?
Meloni at November 23, 2011 12:04 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2011/11/between-a-walk.html#comment-2790337">comment from MeloniThank you, thank you, Meloni! If you just go through the "Search Amazon" link in Amy's Mall (or through anything I link), I'll get credit. So appreciate that.
And I'm so happy you loved my book. I'm working so hard on the next one, and when I hear people appreciate the last one, it really jazzes me, and helps me get through those days when I only get one paragraph done -- or not even! (It's not done till it's done, even if it takes a ridiculous amount of time.)
Amy Alkon at November 23, 2011 12:29 PM
You snooze, you lose(him). Make him want you by not going. If/when things with Mr. Wonderful-at-8-Months don't work out, maybe you can have explosive sex with Hike Guy later.
Rachel Flax at November 23, 2011 7:57 PM
You're in a relationship of 8 months. Going on a non-innocent hike with a guy you had a huge crush on, that's not quite cheating but might as well be. What are you going to tell your 8-month 'wonderful' man? Gee honey, I love you but dang, I had a crush on this guy for 7 years, see, and just want to go on a hike with him? Or do you just plan to lie and keep it a secret? How little respect you must have for him.
Lobster at November 24, 2011 5:52 AM
A good starting point in any situation like this is to apply the golden rule. If you wouldn't like it if your man of eight months went on "just a hike" with a woman he's had a long-term crush on -- and I presume you wouldn't -- then you shouldn't go on "just a hike" with this guy.
Jim at November 25, 2011 11:48 AM
To LW:
Go on the hike and have sex with your crush.
Either you like it and forget that other guy, or you don't like it and will forget about the crush.
If you don't go, you'd be forever unsure if you did the right thing and will have doubts committing to a serious relationship.
Mere Mortal at November 25, 2011 2:07 PM
To LW:
Go on the hike and have sex with your crush.
The venereal disease and unwanted pregnancy will provide you with a test to see just how "wonderful" your man now is, and since you've never experienced either, you'll learn something about the differences between fantasy and reality, too.
Radwaste at November 25, 2011 4:27 PM
To LW:
Go on the hike and have sex with your crush.
The first one to use this line told you how to get over it, the second how long it's going to take to get over it.
Me, I'd go with the second.
Ariel at November 28, 2011 12:29 PM
The first key piece of information I read is that this guy didn't remember you when you saw him. He either was "just not into you" or had spent one too many hours reviewing his copy of The Game (http://www.amazon.com/Game-Penetrating-Secret-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738). Either way, he doesn't seem worth sweating over.
However, sometimes the fantasy gets the best of us. It sounds like you might get stuck replaying all of the "what-if" scenarios in your head while you're with your great new guy. I think it's possible to see the tool, er, guy you crushed on for what he is by spending a little more time with him... just not in a private and secluded place alone. Assuming you have mutual friends, what about setting up a group outing? Then you're at a safe distance, and your buddies can help you get some perspective on the situation. As Amy said, you should have a clear idea of what qualities you want in a mate and the type of relationship you want before this outing so you can decide what is really best for you.
Also, you *can* choose what is *not* best for you (such as in a passionate love affair, or leaving Mr. Right for Mr. Right Now), so long as you are willing to take responsibility for your decision and accept the consequences. Some of us have to learn the hard way.
redqueenblack at November 29, 2011 3:31 PM
What kind of broad takes seven YEARS to get a man's attention? Does she think batting her eyelashes and flipping her hair come across as "obvious" hints? A real woman will invite him to lunch and leave you in the dust.
Jege at November 30, 2011 12:09 AM
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