Flee Circus
I have a good relationship with my boyfriend of a year except for how he ignores me when he's stressed. The first time this happened, he disappeared for a week and didn't respond to texts or voicemails. He later explained he'd been swamped with work and apologized repeatedly. Last weekend, he again disappeared for a week. After I texted and left voicemails, he finally texted, "Work is big right now." He has told me he likes me because I don't complain or try to get his attention when he's busy. Actually, I'm a wreck when he disappears. My ex would also ignore me for weeks and then text like nothing had happened. Stupid me for staying around for two years, as it ultimately ended when he texted me that he couldn't talk to me anymore because he'd gotten married.
--Scared Of History Repeating Itself
When a guy you're dating ignores your texts and voicemails for weeks, you don't call him your boyfriend; you block his number so he can never call you again -- and long before his excuses go from "I got a little busy" to "I got a little married."
Men do seem to have more of a "fight-or-flight" response to stress, but the impulse to drop out is just a tendency, not a biological mandate. If a man cares about you, he will somehow manage to overcome his teensy-weensy feelings of discomfort to stay in touch with you, even through tough times in his life. Sure, now that messages are no longer delivered by the Pony Express, letting you know that he still cares can sometimes take some effort -- perhaps even tapping his finger eight times on a tiny wireless gadget and hitting "send." And yes, I did see your boyfriend's excuse above: "Work is big right now." Right. Besides being your "boyfriend," is he also known as "Barack Obama" and "The Leader of the Free World"?
History is repeating itself because you're repeating yourself. Like one of those robothings in "The Terminator," no matter what indignity a guy blasts you with, you drag what's left of you upright and go back for more: "Hey, just call me when you have some free time -- maybe between marriages." You probably even take it as a compliment when your boyfriend admires how you're all "I am victim, hear me roll over" when he ignores you. Beverly Engel, in her terrific book "The Nice Girl Syndrome," cautions that the motive for being "nice" in the face of cruel treatment is often guilt, shame, fear of confrontation, fear of rejection, and an intense fear of being alone.
Being so compliant is pretty counterproductive because men are into the thrill of the chase, not the thrill of a woman who's on them like a tick on a dog no matter what they do. To be treated with respect, you need to be the disappearing one; disappear from the dating scene until you develop the self-respect to express your needs like you have a right to have them. You'll be ready to date when you require only one person in your life to feel whole -- and it isn't some guy who does with your dignity what other people do with Quilted Northern.
Right on, Amy! LW, you've got to be the butterfly. Instead of YOU wondering where this guy is, let HIM wonder where you are! Go shopping, go out with friends, go to the animal shelter and volunteer, go anywhere except into panic mode when he's ignoring you. Ignore him back! What's good for the goose and all that, you know. Seriously, please treat yourself better than he is!
(Amy, I just posted that about the "thrill of the chase" to the other column without having read this one! Cosmic!)
Flynne at November 22, 2011 6:29 PM
There have been a few of these, "I didn't hear from him in a week" sort of letters. Some of the more ridiculous ones are with relationships a lot newer than this one.
I'll concede that a year of presumably rather serious dating puts the letter writer in the position of thinking that this guy should be as into her as she is into him. That's not true.
Some guys take a very long time to feel really connected to a woman in the way that a week seems like a long time to be out of contact. I'm one of them. I'm very slow to come around. A week without contacting someone I've been dating for a while seems like nothing.
You're probably in love with him and figure he feels the same way. Just because he isn't quite in love with you yet doesn't mean he won't be. He may be like me.
It took me between two and three years to really feel in love with the woman I eventually married. During those early years, we would sometimes go awhile without contact. We were both out doing things that interested us. We're no longer married, but are still close enough that we never go more than four or five days without talking for hours on the phone.
When you have someone that takes a long time to get to the point of love, it sticks.
The guy just isn't to the point of thinking about you all the time. Being really fucking annoying about a mere week without contact won't help.
Although I disagree with Amy and Flynne's diagnosis about what is going on, I don't disagree with their advice. He's not shitting on your self-respect, but you should get more of a life anyway.
whistleDick at November 22, 2011 7:13 PM
He's not shitting on your self-respect
Largely because he probably can't find it. It's hard to tell from the letter if BF is manipulative ("He told me he likes me because..." could go either way), but I do think it's more likely that he just wants a girlfriend-in-a-box: around when he wants her, safely stored in the cupboard when he doesn't. Which is completely fine, as long as he's up front about it. Cutting off all contact for a week at a time with no explanation as to why he needs to is cowardly. If you need to be by yourself for a while, dude, just say so. It'll also help to find a woman who accepts that for a better reason than she's afraid you'll leave her if she complains.
LW, I want you to read this sentence until the warning bell goes off in your head:
My ex would also ignore me for weeks and then text like nothing had happened.
While you're doing that, I'll ask you to ponder why your boyfriend should be aware of how you feel and change if you never fucking say you have a problem. It's not a good relationship if you're "a wreck" when he goes off the grid and you're too afraid to be alone to speak up. Dealbreakers, honey. We all have them, so decide what yours are and then actually act like you're serious about them. Same goes to you, LW's Boyfriend.
NumberSix at November 22, 2011 9:02 PM
as it ultimately ended when he texted me that he couldn't talk to me anymore because he'd gotten married.
Wtf? Just when I think I'll never be surprised again by people's behaviour. Is that really a thing people do? You went out for two years and the breakup is a text saying "Got married on the weekend. Seeya! Thanks for everything! xox"? (I'm imagining here of course).
Other than that - what NumberSix said. After a year, you should be at least talking about moving in together or something, not wondering if you'll ever hear from him again after a week of no reply. Tell him it's not acceptable. If he's too much of a wuss to at least call you and say hi - if he's too busy he could do it while he's in the bathroom for crying out loud, even that would be better than this - then dump him. How hard is it to find five minutes for your supposed partner?
Ltw at November 22, 2011 9:32 PM
I think LW doesn't really have a boyfriend. She has a guy she sees from time to time, probably when he's horny, and she's exaggerated this into boyfriend status. The fact that her past "boyfriend" TEXTED that he "couldn't talk to her anymore" because he got married is indicative of how deluded she is regarding these relationships. She so badly wants them to be more than they are that she pretends. It's highly unlikely that she could have been regularly dating the last guy and have no idea that he was close to marrying someone else.
Amy's advice to her is spot on. She needs to develop some self-respect and find a guy who genuinely wants to be with her.
LS at November 23, 2011 5:22 AM
LW, here's a test you can try. Next time he disappears, don't call him, text him or contact him in any way. See how long it takes him to contact YOU. This will show you how long he can go without WANTING to contact you.
It's a test I've used a few times in the past, and sometimes, the results have been embarrassing. But, in the long run, it's saved me a lot of wasted time and energy.
sofar at November 23, 2011 7:37 AM
I like Amy's advice.
LS and sofar touched on this additional point... I have a friend who does this sh*t all the time: She decides that the guy she's sleeping with is her boyfriend. Then, of course she gets her heart broken when she finds out he's dating someone else, or married, or about to get married, or tells her he needs "space" won't talk to her any more. This has happened at least 5 or 6 times in the near-decade I've known her. You'd think that at almost 40 she'd have figured it out by now- but, no.
ahw at November 23, 2011 8:47 AM
"You'll be ready to date when you require only one person in your life to feel whole..."
Can we just pass a law that requires girls to tattoo this on their forehead when they turn 15? Seriously.
Nikky at November 23, 2011 9:06 AM
This particular guy was a douche, but I can't fault him for being upfront about the fact that he drops out of communicating because I do it too, and I'm a girl.
It's not to be manipulative. It's never out of anger. I just go through periods where I need to hibernate.
One of my dearest friends, a guy, does it too. He calls it "going poof."
It's a great way to tell who your real friends are. The ones who are happy to hear from you after they graciously accepted your need to "go poof" are the only ones you need in your life. These are the people we come back to most quickly--and as a matter of fact, J and I never "go poof" completely from each other anymore because we know we don't have to fear judgement.
deathbysnoosnoo at November 23, 2011 10:04 AM
I don't think he's a douche. He's being honest. He's just clearly not that into her, or he wouldn't totally disappear - no texts even. I mean, he tells her the reason he likes her is that she "doesn't complain or try to get his attention." That's not what any woman wants to hear is her finest attribute in the eyes of her "boyfriend".
What he's saying is that he likes that she's convenient when he wants his needs met, and it's expecially great that she doesn't complain about being used.
LS at November 23, 2011 10:12 AM
When I got engaged, I notified several women that I would not be seeing them anymore and why. One of them left crying and screaming messages on my answering machine for two weeks. Another wrote me a particularly nasty letter about how she was never attracted to me anyway. Another one sent me a sarcastic letter criticizing my future wife, whom she had not met. I had made no promises or commitments to any of them. A guy has no way of knowing what women really think.
ken in sc at November 23, 2011 3:06 PM
@deathbysnoosnoo - i think your outlook on this is a bit lazy/selfish -- why can't you (and folks like this) be bothered to communicate your need to go hibernate (or go "poof") to those close to you? Not saying your need to hibernate is wrong; I experience it too. the attitude that it is a good filter for your "real friends" is super lazy; it's really neat that it works for you, but what do you think that says to your loved ones? maybe people who do this (like the LW's boyfriend) could consider someone else's feelings besides their own convenience.
Rachel Flax at November 23, 2011 7:49 PM
Amy was correct and attempting to boost her diplomatically, which is admirable. She empowered the girl to stand up for herself, because it really doesn't matter who the guy is, that should be the end result. I can't help but wonder, if Amy's mind went to several avenues where my female brain first took me. Seeing the girl in person and physically 'shaking' it out of her, or just laughing and revealing in all the guys that are interested in girls with their own minds and lives. I happen to have more male tendency to be like the guy in this letter. But I have courtesy and respect, so if someone is continually contacting me I do respond with intentional delay that is much less than a week, yet I am totally annoyed and pretty much turned off. Especially complusive texting, which know a lot of men and women who are. I find this entire letter incredibly depressing because I feel like the girl will never get a clue, yet its really as simple as Amy indicates. There is no need for this behavior if you have something else to do.
Abroad at November 24, 2011 2:35 AM
Could he have depression? He might be afraid to tell you, and that can make you shut yourself out 'socially'. Or he's a serious workaholic.
Lobster at November 24, 2011 5:54 AM
She's trying to be the cool laid-bsck gf, someone has told her guys don't like clingy girls so shes trying to prove she isnt
NicoleK at November 24, 2011 11:06 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2011/11/flee-circus.html#comment-2795160">comment from NicoleKI'm with NicoleK on this.
Amy Alkon at November 24, 2011 11:45 PM
She's trying to be the cool laid-bsck gf, someone has told her guys don't like clingy girls so shes trying to prove she isnt
I can't believe how many women fall for this. Men could tell them: "I really like the fact that you don't mind that I beat you with an electrical cord when I'm not locking you in the closet for three days without food. You're not like those other girls who bitch and moan about that stuff" and they would make every effort to be that girl.
MonicaP at November 25, 2011 9:18 AM
Stupid me for staying around for two years, as it ultimately ended when he texted me that he couldn't talk to me anymore because he'd gotten married.
I'm not sure I'd say "stupid" you but I think "clueless" you would apply.
As for the current guy, if it bothers you that much when he disappears for a week at at time, tell him that you'd appreciate a simple "I don't feel like communicating for a while" message. If he's not okay with that, then you should start looking for another guy.
Jim at November 25, 2011 11:41 AM
Amy really? This from the person that wants everyone to get the fuck away when on a deadline? Pretty sure you said that anyone your not paying to deal with you needs to go away at crunch time.
It could be very possible that he's just a dick when hes stressed. He knows he's a dick when stressed. So instead of being a dick to her he goes and hides.
vlad at November 30, 2011 7:40 AM
My fiance's ex used to disappear for a week or two at a time when he got stressed before she found out he was trying to hide his bipolar manic episodes from her. After a while, he couldn't hid it any longer.
Chris at December 1, 2011 11:06 AM
What are they teaching women these days?
Men are the simplest creatures on Earth - save the single-celled organisms in muddy ditch water - so why the difficulty understanding male behavior?
IF he likes/loves you, he MAKES TIME for you. Period.
Otherwise, you're just a Drinking Buddy - with boobs.
bbonw3 at January 2, 2012 12:34 PM
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