The Sorrow And The Pretty
Do men in troubled relationships often seek someone to give them a nudge to get out? I often attract these men, some of whom I suspect just want a backup relationship before splitting with the wife. I happen to be interested in the current man confiding in me about his angry, obsessive wife. I won't tell him to leave on my account, but I hate to see such a great man putting up with her.
--Catalyst
You've gotta give a guy points for an original spin on a tired pickup line: "If I said you have a beautiful body, would you let me sob on your shoulder about my mean wife?"
As a listener, you provide considerable cost savings over the guy with the gray beard, the monocle, and the couch, and it can't hurt that crying on your shoulder comes with a front row seat to your jigglies. Your presence can also provide a helpful thumb on the "I'm outta here!" side of the scale for a man who lacks a Ouija Board, a Magic 8-Ball, or the guts to make a decision. And while it is possible that some of these men fall for you, it's also possible that any "I love you! I want you! I have to have you!" a man blurts out is just a bad translation of "Eeek! I'll be alone, and you're cute and nice to me. You'll do."
It is a bit odd that, the way some women collect Hello Kitty, you collect "Hello, I'm teetering on an angry divorce." Are you maybe insecure about getting involved with a guy when all you have to offer is you? With a man in a troubled marriage, you start with a competitive advantage -- how endearingly sane and reasonable you seem compared to Mrs. Satan. And a man in crisis requires conversational triage -- attending to those bleeding out first. (No need to lay your feelings on the line; you can focus on his problems and bond over how you're the listening postess with the mostest.)
As for the latest man crying out to you from the Trail of Tear-Streaked Kleenex, consider the obvious: A man confiding in you about his "angry, obsessive wife" is a man who is NOT AVAILABLE. Maybe it's time you retired from running the Unhappily Married Man Rescue and take a run at the unencumbered. (At the very least, strictly limit the ear-time you give to other women's leftovers that aren't quite left.) You should find that a man has much more to give when he isn't panicking that his wife will take half of everything he owns, including his man parts she's got squirreled away in a drawer somewhere.
So true.
I used to be phone friends with a man that I shared a hobby with.
The conversations gradually turned to what a head case his wife was. Somehow he had gotten the idea that I was everything his wife wasn't.
I tried politely to disuade him that I was anything special. Finally it got so bad, that I said enough. He was using me to try and blugeon his wife into "improving"
This kind of behavior is tacky and classless. You NEVER should say negative things about a current or former spouse to a friend of the opposite sex.
Men don't want to be alone. I don't blame them for looking for a backup plan, but get some class. The most critical thing a woman should hear from a man about his wife, or former wife is "We don't see eye to eye on many subjects."
END of conversation,on the spouse topic because you just know, the NEXT woman he is going to be whining about is YOU.
Isab at December 18, 2012 2:19 PM
I happen to be interested in the current man confiding in me about his angry, obsessive wife. I won't tell him to leave on my account, but I hate to see such a great man putting up with her.
His wife certainly may be angry and obsessive but she also may not be. You're assuming that what this guy is telling you is true. If he thinks his wife is wonderful (or at least not angry and obsessive), he's not likely going to tell you that's how he feels about her when he's trying to get into your pants.
JD at December 18, 2012 5:12 PM
He's using you to cheat, whether he's touched you or not. And you encourage him. Know what they call women who encourage married men? Whores!
wtf at December 18, 2012 5:51 PM
"Know what they call women who encourage married men?"
Second wives, in many cases.
Spartee at December 18, 2012 8:02 PM
did it occur to anyone that a guy who insults his wife to some stranger (ok, everyone vents) and is willing to cheat on her with you as an excuse to - well, probably just cheat - get out of his marriage is quite possibly not actually a "great guy"? guess how my cousin's 3rd wife got to be wife #3? guess how #2 got to be #2? how you get them is how you will lose them. if he cheats on her, he will cheat on you. and she probably wasn't bitchy and mean when he met her, either.
me at December 18, 2012 11:20 PM
Perhaps his wife is "angry and obsessive" because she's married to a asshole who runs around with inappropriate female friends and talks a bunch of shit about her to anyone who will listen.
Ahw at December 19, 2012 6:48 AM
This...(at least with current wife)
"The most critical thing a woman should hear from a man about his wife, or former wife is 'We don't see eye to eye on many subjects.'"
AND
This...
"Perhaps his wife is "angry and obsessive" because she's married to a asshole who runs around with inappropriate female friends and talks a bunch of shit about her to anyone who will listen."
Made me laugh a little but still VERY true!
CC at December 19, 2012 8:18 AM
Paragraph two of Amy's response is the key. I would say almost all men want a vine to cling to before they jump off the tree. Some of the other responses make it sound like intentional manipulation, but most of the time I've seen, it isn't. An unhappily married guy will want to talk to someone. While they should mostly be talking it out with good, male friends, a woman's perspective can be a good thing. It is also not unusual for a man to fall for a woman he can talk to. (From what I've seen, it is even more common for a woman to fall for a guy she can talk to.) All I'm saying is that he might very well be a good guy. If he hasn't talked to any male friends, then he is either playing you or engaged in very wishful thinking. If he doesn't have male friends, run away.
In addition, making the choice to go through the pain and expense of a divorce, to be alone is evidently very difficult. Most men seem much more comfortable, if there is that vine. I've had several good friends get divorced, and start a relationship at around the same time. I'm pretty confident that they at least knew their new partner was interested before leaving/getting thrown out. I don't know that I've seen a guy initiate a divorce without a potential partner; I've only seen women do that. But here's the thing - a decent guy will be willing to keep his pants on until he is out of the house. Yeah, passion might move a couple past that point prematurely, but that should be his intent.
SlowMindThinking at December 19, 2012 10:39 AM
@SlowMindThinking You raise some valid points, and I have a lot of sympathy for men in bad marriages.
Some of them undoubtedly consult female friends to try and reassure themselves that all women are not raging bitches, and if they make the leap, it is not going to be out of the frying pan, and into the fire.
At the same time, a man needs to be VERY careful that any discussion of what he wife does, or says remains focused on the behavior, in as hypothetical a manner as possible, and does not become a personal attack on his wife for her looks, her grooming, her fitness, her weight, or any other attribute that is going to leave him sounding like a whiney asshole.
I only know one man who got a divorce without a potential fall back companion. His wife was cheating on him, They were young, had been married for a short time, and the cheating hurt his pride a great deal. He told me, if he had waited to cool down, he would probably not have gotten the divorce, as there was a baby involved.
Isab at December 19, 2012 11:31 AM
How's come there's even any discussion of the men's back-stories? Their behavior may be "bad", but I don't think that's the main point here. LW has a pattern of getting involved with married men, let us not forget. IMO that's bad behavior too, and she tries to rationalize it as sympathy for the men. Is she holding herself accountable? Methinks not.
Then again, maybe there's a simpler answer. Give her single man with a job, house, car, relative sanity and stability, etc., "BORING!" she says. But a married man with baggage, "Hmmm, interesting!" Chicks just loves the drama!
bkmale at December 19, 2012 12:28 PM
Perhaps his wife is "angry and obsessive" because she's married to a asshole who runs around with inappropriate female friends and talks a bunch of shit about her to anyone who will listen.
I was the second wife of this guy. I was young and stupid, and believed every word he said.
He's now trash-talking me to wife #3.
Lesson Learned? If he's trashing his wife, he'll do the same to you eventually. These guys live to play the females in their lives against each other.
Kat at December 20, 2012 3:13 PM
Have sex with the hubbie a few times to figure out if he is really worth getting involved with. If he is a good lay, and his wife is still a both, then he deserves better than his wife, for sure, and that could be you!
Peter Priapus at December 20, 2012 10:23 PM
I'm sure he's a great guy and his wife is a raving lunatic, especially since that's the one side of the story you get to hear from him. Just because someone tells you something doesn't make it true. How do you know what kind of a person he is at home? How well do you know his wife? How well do you know him, period? He's likely only giving you part of the story - the part that makes him look like "such a great man" - and omitting those parts that won't paint the picture of the long-suffering, patient husband he's portraying to you. It sounds to me like he's a first class manipulator so, LW, don't flatter yourself into thinking you're the only shoulder he's crying on. I'd be willing to bet that he gets quite a bit of mileage off of that ploy. I would suggest cutting off contact with not only this current married man but all men, married or not, until you do some work on yourself and understand your own value, otherwise you will constantly fall prey to this type of person.
SKP at December 21, 2012 1:54 PM
I heard about a woman who was bragging in the ladies room that she made her husband sit down to pee at home. Another woman, who overheard this, said to herself, "I can take that man away from her." And she did.
Ken_in_SC (@Ken_in_SC) at December 23, 2012 4:08 PM
My point is that not all raving lunatic wives are imaginary.
Ken_in_SC (@Ken_in_SC) at December 23, 2012 4:16 PM
Who wants to be the rebound for a recently divorced guy? Too much drama and heartbreak. I know two women suffering through this right now, and both started the relationship while the dude was in the "poor me with the evil wife" phase. In one case, the wife attempted suicide and the kids hate step-mommy (who is barely older than they are). In the other case, the proposal came after many years of shacking up. The guy is still buying cars and tons of other stuff for the ex, and he barely contributes to the household expenses with the new chick. (She's even covered his child support.) In both cases, the women have always wanted children of their own. And in both cases the guy says, "No way, or I'm leaving!" The first chick aborted a baby she very much wanted to keep hubby from walking out.
Why set your sights so low? I don't get it. Work on your self-esteem, and find a guy who wants you rather than a gullible chick who's "anybody but the current wife."
O/T - I wish there was a 'Like' button for some of these comments.
KimberBlue at December 28, 2012 3:36 PM
Anyone who talks trash about someone they are married to has no class. If they truly are married to a monster they should divorce. My ex made his first wife monster, I was very young and I believed him. When we divorced, funny enough his stories stayed the same but the name changed. There are crazy spouses and I have seen some couples where there were crazy husbands and some with crazy wives, still they need to either work on their marriage or they need to get out and work on themselves and find out why they were with a person like that.
What this man is doing is being emotionally unfaithful, he is taking emotional energy from his marriage and using it to get a new woman.
RUN! Run screaming into the night and stop taking his calls.
Worthita at December 30, 2012 9:09 PM
"Who wants to be the rebound for a recently divorced guy?"
This is totally anecdotal, but I have two good friends (one male, one female) who are both now happily together with current partners (for at least five years in each case) that each met while one of the two was going through a divorce with their respective previous partner (if that sentence makes sense). So I don't judge without knowing details, it can work.
Lobster at January 4, 2013 8:55 AM
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