My girlfriend is constantly late, which is annoying, but what's more annoying is that there's always an excuse: She had to do one more thing at work; traffic was horrible; her dog wouldn't pee, so she had to walk him longer; she couldn't get somebody off the phone. She always apologizes and is always late the next time. I don't take her lateness as a sign she doesn't care enough about me, but it doesn't exactly feel great, either.
--Waiting
She has to be at your place in 10 minutes? Well, that should be just enough time to retranslate the Gutenberg Bible, reorganize her closets, and then get that ship into that very tiny bottle.
It's hard for the punctual to understand how anyone can treat time like it's stretchy. (It's not as if an hour will ever go by more slowly because Time went out drinking with its friends Mass and Distance and woke up with a nasty hangover.) But the chronically late aren't necessarily the disrespectful, power-tripping jerks who those always sitting waiting for them in restaurants sometimes suspect them to be. Julie Morgenstern writes in "Time Management from the Inside Out" that if someone's late by varying amounts of time -- 20 minutes here, 12 there -- their lateness is probably "technical," involving errors like underestimating how long things take, rather than psychological (as in, "I'll show you who's queen!").
Morgenstern advises the chronically tardy to avoid the temptation to cram in "just one more thing" by viewing time as we do space -- seeing an hour as a finite container, which can only fit so many activities. Over a week, she suggests jotting down how long tasks actually take, including hidden time costs (such as travel time, cleanup time, interruption time, and dog bladder cooperativeness). And because life tends to have more snags than a bad girl's tights, she advises building in "cushion time" -- an extra 20 percent on top of the time you think a task will take.
Chronic inconsideration, even when it isn't intentional, chips away at a relationship. (The way to your heart is not through your girlfriend's last-minute to-do list.) Explain that you understand that her chronic lateness isn't an attack on you, but if there is "one more thing" she could squeeze in, perhaps it could be the thought of how you feel sitting all alone in a restaurant, keeping busy by searching for coded messages woven into the tablecloth.
Give her Morgenstern's book, and tell her it would mean a lot to you if, for the next three weeks, she'd make a serious effort to show up when she says she will. (Of course, three weeks is just a start, but that sounds less daunting than "Change your deeply ingrained habit right now!") Praise any efforts and improvements you see, and don't expect perfection. Just hope for a day when "the most unbelievable thing...!" is her on-time arrival -- as opposed to another eight-car pileup on her suburban cul-de-sac, making her even later than she already was, thanks to her dog's insisting on watching the rest of "Days Of Our Lives."
When I turned 50, my doctor prescribed me "male enhancement pills" (just so I could be more like the old me in bed). I recently started dating a woman I really like, and I'm wondering whether I'm wrong to let her think this is the real 53-year-old me.
--Supplemented
Getting to know each other doesn't require your confessing "I take medication to increase the blood flow to my penis" and her coming back with "I use wax to remove my big black mustache." Just be silently thankful that Mr. Happy stands up instead of fainting when the pressure's on.
Because more and more people are getting old without getting grandpa-like, I suspect that the stigma surrounding Daddy's Little Erection Helpers will eventually go the way of the embarrassment formerly associated with Internet dating. Quite frankly, taking a pill to manage your recalcitrant penis is rather like taking one to manage your allergies, except that nobody associates your nasal function with your manhood.
Once you're in a relationship, it is appropriate to share news of any medications you're taking. When you do, clear up a misconception many women have by explaining that the pill doesn't change your libido; it just helps with the hydraulics. The problem, if any, is in the side effects, such as "erections lasting more than four hours." A woman does appreciate a man who can stand firm, but maybe not all the way to the emergency room and then some.
My friend's girlfriend hits on me all the time. (We're all lesbians.) She always offers to get me a drink before she gets her girlfriend one, and she's taken to giving me quick shoulder rubs and stomach pokes. The other night was really bad. A bunch of us were seated around a big table, and after I said something that made her laugh, she slapped my thigh and left her hand there a long time and started rubbing it. She was drunk, but still. I moved my chair over and ignored her for the rest of the night. My friend seems oblivious, and I've contemplated telling her, but I suspect she'd be terribly embarrassed. So, what am I supposed to do, just not have a social life?
--Fondled
Going out with your friends shouldn't remind you of the last time you were body-searched at the airport, save for how the airport groperlady probably looked like she wanted to get it over with fast, not like she wanted to lick your tattoo.
You, like many people, get so caught up in being irritated at somebody's behavior that you forget that you never asked the person to stop. You did try other means of communication, but unless you've had success moving dishes to the sink with your thoughts and then getting whoever's dining with you to wash them, you should probably consider telepathy a bust. And sure, persistent pained looks could suggest that you are very much not up for a drink and a thigh rub -- or that you forgot to eat your Activia again.
Having held in your feelings for so long, it's easy to explode and blurt out "You need to stop hitting on me!" or, referencing the woman she's publicly disrespecting, "Touch base with the fact you have a girlfriend instead of my inner thigh!" With either statement, you're accusing and criticizing her -- and rightfully so. The problem is, as psychotherapist Dr. Carl Alasko wisely points out in "Beyond Blame," criticizing a person leads to anger, denial, and defensiveness, not change.
To get Miss Wanderhands to listen instead of blowing up, remain calm and use passive language that focuses on the action you want changed and your feelings about it, for example, "This level of touchy-feeliness makes me very uncomfortable." This tells her "The petting zoo is closed" as opposed to "You're a bad person!" (which, by the way, she is). If she persists or makes some unwanted confession, you can be more direct: "Look, I'm not interested. Please stop." As for your friend, keep in mind that she may not be ready to see what's going on, as this would require her to take some sort of action she may not be ready to take. Until she becomes ready, her girlfriend will remain a kind and generous person, buying beer for a thirsty woman much in the way she might reach out to a homeless man: "Can I brush past your breast while getting you a sandwich?"
I'm a pretty green gal. I ride my bike to work, grow vegetables, compost, use reusable bags, containers and cloths, only eat sustainable foods. You get the picture. My boyfriend of six months is a wonderful, kind soul who recycles his cans, but that's the extent of his eco-friendliness. He seems a little overwhelmed and uninterested when I tell him how easy and important going green really is. How can I motivate him to change without seeming like a bossy solicitor banging on his door?
--Small Carbon Footprint
Like many people in the early stages of a relationship, you have some questions about your partner, like how you can get him to stop using so many squares of toilet paper. On a positive note, you don't mention anything about his following the Great Pacific Garbage Patch on Twitter to see whether any of the litter he tossed in the ocean made its way there. That said, if your immediate world will be a dark and horrible place if the man in your life refuses to rinse and reuse his aluminum foil, you may be with the wrong man. Otherwise, the question is, do you want to be in a relationship or a two-person political movement? If it's a relationship you want, forget trying to lecture him into changing (which tends to create rebels, not converts), and accept that you may be able to influence him. You do that simply by being who you are, doing what you do, and being passionate about it -- and all the better if you do all of that while wearing the hottest in hemp lingerie. Who knows, you two lovebirds could soon find yourselves enjoying the first few of a lifetime of romantic nights dining in the garden -- chewing on plants to avoid dirtying dishes and increasing your collective carbon footprint.
I've been with my boyfriend for two years. I do have trust issues, having been cheated on in past relationships. My boyfriend's best friend of six years, a beautiful and intelligent woman, passed away three months ago. Since then, he has visited her grave weekly and kept a photo of them together posted online. When she was alive, the two of them spoke daily about everything -- including intimate details and problems in our relationship. I made clear that their constant communication and boundary-crossing details were not okay with me, yet they continued. They claimed they were strictly platonic. However, since I'm a woman who has been fooled before, I can't help but suspect otherwise. I love my boyfriend and want to support him in his time of grief, but I don't feel that he sees how hard it is for me to see the man I love mourn this woman he loved and lost.
--Struggling
It can be unsettling when your man comes home with tear stains on his collar, smelling like a trip to the cemetery. But the guy's best friend died only three months ago, and he's visiting her grave once a week; it's not like he's up all night with the Ouija board, asking her for advice on your sex life.
It must've been a bummer to find that your man's best friend of six years wasn't just a placeholder in his life until he could find a girlfriend. And yes, friends confide in each other, share their lives, and give each other feedback. If there was certain information that you wanted to remain private -- if, say, he was revealing details that you felt should be between you two and the headboard -- you needed to come to some agreement about that together. But, you don't get to mandate that your boyfriend's friendship revolve around topics of conversation you don't find invasive, such as the weather, who's about to nuke whom, and celebrity parole violations.
As for why the dearly departed is still clinging to life in your boyfriend's online photos, it's probably for the same reason that I (like a surprising number of people) still have the phone numbers of several dead friends programmed into my phone. It feels good keeping them in my life, even in such a mundane way, and I refuse to have a hand in making them any more gone than they already are.
You have "trust issues" because you're "a woman who has been fooled before," not because you have videotape of your boyfriend and his friend making out in the coffee shop. Unless he's given you reason to believe he's unethical, your jealousy and suspicions arose out of your failure to take responsibility for what was done to you in the past. There are a few crafty sociopaths out there who can hide their true character, but chances are, you got cheated on because you didn't really want to look at who you were with, and that came back to bite you. Accepting that should help you be there for your boyfriend -- tempting as it is to take the jealous girlfriend thing to a whole new level by asking whether that tapping on the wall is his dead friend trying to arrange a time for some out-of-this-world sex.
When I got a boyfriend six months ago, I became a lot less available to my best friend. I knew she was disappointed, but she took it in stride and even claimed to understand. I'm bagging a lot of guilt now because I call her the most when I'm having trouble with my boyfriend.
--Bad Friend
It isn't like you've stopped sharing your life with her -- not if you count all those times your butt dialed her number and left a muffled five-minute message on her voicemail.
Assuming your friend isn't just a doormat, she's been a good friend by not getting all miffy that you've been preoccupied. Your friendship probably can't take up as much of your lifespace as it did before, but you can recommit to it by making time for her regularly with phone, Skype, and coffee dates. You might also try an idea from "Friendfluence" author Carlin Flora -- celebrating the success of a long-term friendship as you would a romantic relationship and treating your friend to dinner and reminiscing about how you met and the great times you've had. (Think of it as your "friendiversary.") This should help you avoid undervaluing your friendship, which is important, in case what was proudly perky on you takes a downturn into something a little more National Geographic. That's when you can really count on your female friends to stand by you -- and if they're less affected by gravity, to stand by you in public as often as possible.
I got involved with my co-host on my Web show -- a woman in an "open relationship" with her live-in boyfriend of two years. Things were light and fun between us until we developed actual feelings for each other and he got jealous and she became guilty and torn. Two weeks ago, after we had an amazing date, she texted to say she was "falling apart" and quitting our show. She's since made our friendship conditional on our not being involved anymore and my not questioning her quitting or discussing what happened. I either abide by these rules or "watch (her) walk away." I said she was being emotionally manipulative, and she got really angry. She knows I care about her and want her in my life, but it seems unfair that I have to constantly worry about saying the wrong thing and having her cut and run.
--Eggshells
Some people in open relationships can come off a little smug about how cool, modern, and progressive they are -- that is, until they write that first check to the private detective to make sure you and their girlfriend are only getting your freak on, not holding hands.
Monogamy might not be "natural," but neither is watching your partner run around on you and being all "no problemo!" about it. A couple who decide to have an open relationship may tell themselves they can intellectualize their way around jealousy (and insecurity, possessiveness, and other such fun) without really working through how, exactly, they'll manage that. This guy, for example, maybe got so excited about "having his cake" that he neglected to consider what would happen if his girlfriend really, really liked her cake.
These two had a responsibility to anybody they got involved with to do their open relationship homework and figure out that they could only manage "happily ever afternoon," not "after." It would be nice if she took responsibility now for failing to take responsibility then, maybe with an "I'm really sorry" and a "We probably shouldn't see each other," but she prefers to extend her history of denial with the notion that you can be "friends." Oh, and P.S., feel free to ask her anything, as long as it's about nothing more emotionally sensitive than the time.
As for whether you should stick around and meet her terms, well, with friends like her, who needs bar fights? Also, it's hard to stop wanting somebody when you don't stop seeing them, at least for a while. It seems your time would be better spent pursuing a woman who doesn't already have a boyfriend. You and she can try the sort of open relationship you're looking for now -- one sans conversational restrictions -- as opposed to the sort that, for a good many people, works out like the hen becoming BFFs with the coyote. (Eventually, somebody's going to end up a pile of feathers.)
You advised a guy who "choked" when talking to girls to focus on saying things he finds interesting and fun. Well, I often can't think of anything smart or funny to say until the woman's gone. I saw the cutest redhead at the supermarket, and not wanting to let the moment pass me by, I blurted out, "Are you an actress?" She smiled politely and replied, "No." To which I responded, "Do you get that question a lot?" To which she replied, "Yes, I do." I had nothing after that. Smooth. Very smooth. After she left, I thought of a million witty things I could have said.
--Witless
My boyfriend hit on me by talking about a "kernel panic" (some kind of computer panic attack that fills your screen with scary code) -- a subject of slightly less interest to me than the projected weather for tomorrow in Hammerfest, Norway. But because he's very much my type, I didn't care what he was saying, just that he was sticking around saying it and, I hoped, working up to asking for my number.
Most women know whether they're attracted to you before you open your mouth. If a woman's into you at all, you don't need to perform like there's a two-drink minimum next to the kale; you just need to ask something that keeps her there and allows you to regroup. "Are you an actress?" is less than ideal, as it comes off as a version of "You're HOT." She'll want you to think she's hot. But women tend to downgrade men who hit on them by remarking on their looks. Ask about something she's wearing or carrying or something in the environment. If she seems responsive, keep talking. If she's giving you one-word answers, it's a sign either that she isn't attracted to you or that you forgot to point to the cider when you asked, "Those jugs yours?"