My 40-something younger brother has been "friending" my hot female friends on Facebook, women I have befriended in real life whom he's never even met! I said nothing at first. Then, one of these women posted a photo of herself, and I commented on it in a flirtatious way. Up pops my brother, commenting on my comment in a way that killed her ability to respond to me and adding a personal message to me, "Hey, bro, call me when you're up." I was upset that he'd butted into my conversation with her, and I don't think her page is a place for him to leave messages to me. I asked him to remove his comment, and he was upset and insulted. Shouldn't etiquette standards apply online, too? If I'm having a face-to-face conversation with someone, it's considered rude to just walk up and butt in. And, isn't it a little creepy that my brother trolls my Facebook page and "friends" women he's never met?
--Invaded
Facebook brings a lot of people closer, like the hot women you've gone to the trouble of developing friendships with in real life and your brother, who's gone to the trouble of paying his electric bill and turning on his computer.
Hot women on the Internet -- those who don't take credit cards for their friendship -- can be pretty guarded. Luckily, your brother shares your last name, so instead of your hot friends seeing his friend request and thinking "Eek, who's this perv?" they probably think something like, "Oh, how adorable. Joe Blow has a little brother, Bo Blow." As unfair as it seems that your brother logged in to Facebook and sat there in his underwear helping himself to a salad bar of your female friends, you seem to have misunderstood something about the nature of Facebook conversations. "Facebook" is not the name of a romantic restaurant where you've booked a table for two. You're having these flirtatious exchanges at a "table" for, oh, 547 of a woman's closest friends -- along with any "friends" she might've made through those friends. This might explain why they call it "social networking" and not "social isolation."
No, your brother shouldn't turn some woman's Facebook page into the digital version of the write-on/wipe-off board your mom used to have by the kitchen phone. Because he got to this woman through you, this makes you look bad by association. So, you aren't wrong to want him to change his message-leaving behavior, and you can call dibs if there's one particular woman you're putting the moves on. But telling someone what to do, even when a demand is phrased as a request (to remove the comment, in this case), generally doesn't inspire him to say, "Right, I was a jerk. I'll change, pronto!" It makes him angry, hurt, and defensive. A more effective approach is telling him you feel bad about something he's doing, evoking his sympathy. That's probably your best bet for getting him to back off a bit from your Facebook harem, considering it's a little late to put your privacy settings on lockdown and way late to take the age-old approach to brotherly conflict resolution: "Maaaaa! Bo's stealing all my hotties -- just like he stole my firetruck 45 years ago!"
My boyfriend won't "friend" my friends or relatives on Facebook. He says he doesn't want to worry about censoring his posts or friends' comments. Well, I have a handful of friends, and now a brother and a cousin, who've told me that he never responded to their friend request, and I worry that they'll think he is rude or doesn't like them.
--Bothered
Your boyfriend probably prefers your brother remember him for the wonderful way he helped your granny and not for how he looks in that photo his friend likes to post -- the one where he's passed out on someone's bathroom floor with a bra draped across his chest and "Princess" written across his face with a Sharpie.
Although privacy is reportedly dead, it's his right to be one of those holdouts who refuses to be a 24-hour gas station of personal information. The problem comes in his ignoring your friends and family -- tossing their friend requests in the Internet landfill with all the personal messages from African warlords with $19 million in diamonds to share with a trustworthy total stranger. Tell your boyfriend you're afraid feelings are getting hurt, and suggest he message people back with something like, "Thanks, but I mainly use Facebook to stay in touch with a few old friends. Hope to see more of you in real life." It's gracious but boundary-maintaining, and if you break up, his lack of connectedness should provide a healthy barrier between him and explosive revelations about your new boyfriend, such as what he had for lunch.
I just started a new job. My boss and I were having a meeting, and he started asking me about my personal life -- whether I have a boyfriend, who I live with. No biggie. He then began grilling me as to why I don't have a boyfriend and whether I've ever had one. I started deflecting these prying questions back to him, and he told me that he lives only with his younger brother, so he understands me well. Weird, but whatever. Well, it turns out he actually has a wife and a 4-year-old daughter! This isn't my first experience with managerial prying, either. In a previous job, my married manager scheduled after-work "meetings" with me, delving into non-work topics. When I'd go to leave, he'd say, "Sit down! You have nowhere to be!" My exit statement every time? "Uh, well...I have to change my cat's litter." I'm definitely leaving this job. My last boss was an ethical kinda guy, and that's the kind of person I want to work for.
--Creep Inc. Employee
We usually feel sorry for a man who has lost his wife and child. Of course, this is usually a tragically permanent event; they don't pop back into existence as soon as he gets home from taking a detailed ex-boyfriend history from his hot employee.
Some people would tell you to sprint to the nearest sexual harassment lawyer's office and sue your employers until they're living out of a dumpster. The truth is, these cases can be hard to win; your supervisor can retaliate in ways that are hard to prove; and having a claim on the record can make it hard for you to get another job. Also, after a single creepy line of questioning from your boss (even one that makes you suspect that -- eeuw! -- he wishes he could make sex biscuits with you), you aren't exactly ready to pick out an outfit to wear to court. Wayne State University law professor Kingsley Browne explains in "Biology at Work" that the "hostile environment" type of sexual harassment involves a work environment "permeated with sexuality." Browne told me via email: "The legal question is whether the harassment is sufficiently 'severe or pervasive,' and the way you show that something is pervasive is to show that there's a lot of it."
There's probably no need for things to get to that point. As for your approach, if you'd like a role model, think more Sigourney Weaver in "Alien" than Bambi in "Bambi." This doesn't mean you pull out your flamethrower every time some guy says, "Hey, nice dress." You just need to be firm and immediate in shutting down any situation that's uncomfortable for you, and you did a superb job of that the last time. You didn't go limp or hysterical; you coolly informed the guy that the closest he'd get to your personal life was a status update on your cat's turds. You might also consider whether you should dial back on how bubbly and open you are at the office and maybe err on the side of a vibe that says, "Talk to me about some boring work question!" And here's to finding a more admirable new boss -- one whose remarkable qualities don't include the ability to make his wife and child disappear without doing jail time.
Is it a no-no to just cut off communication to break up? I am 27 and was dating a 25-year-old guy for three months. This past month, he started texting way less, ignoring many of my texts, and making excuses not to hang out. Realizing he was taking the easy way out of dumping me, I blocked his number and email. If he was looking to ignore me until I went away, I figured I'd do the same. Help! It feels terrible ending things this way.
--Regretful
There are times a man can't help but disappear on a woman, like when he's kidnapped by revolutionaries who happened to stop off for Slurpees and hostages when he was at 7-Eleven. Otherwise, there's only one good explanation for his not telling you it's over: On the manliness scale, he's a little old lady's dishtowel. Where you go wrong is in letting his bad behavior shape your breakup behavior, effectively letting him shape who you are in a small way. Do the decent, adult thing. Call him and say something like, "I thought we should have a nicer ending than we did, so I just wanted to say thanks for the good times and wish you the best." You'll surely feel better ending things classy, and who knows, maybe he'll be inspired by your example -- at least enough for his next girlfriend to get the message when his mom calls to tell her it's over.
I've missed countless opportunities because I fail to speak up in the moment. A pretty girl smiles at me on the bus. Ten minutes later, I will wish I'd stayed on the bus and struck up a conversation. The same thing happens with business opportunities. At the critical moment I need to act, I go into a fog of some kind, weighing my options. Much later, I'll realize that gold was put in my lap, and I'll endure a lot of shame from not being present enough to recognize that. I'm all man when I have a girlfriend (which I don't now) and will do anything to make her feel secure. But because of my problem with seizing opportunity, I'm much lonelier than I need to be. I'm realizing that I'm an irretrievable mental defective.
--Hopeless
You've heard that 80 percent of success is just showing up? Well, the other 20 percent is not acting like you got glued to the toilet seat shortly afterward.
You diagnose yourself: "I'm an irretrievable mental defective." Um, no -- probably just a drama queen with risk aversion jets set a little high. Your freezing in the face of opportunity is probably due to an "approach-avoidance conflict," a type of inaction-producing psychological stress that occurs when an opportunity has both positive and negative aspects that make it simultaneously appealing and off-putting. For example, with the girl on the bus, there's a possible date versus a possible rejection. The closer (and more possible) the opportunity the larger the negative aspects loom. This leads to indecision and, in turn, inaction. When you have some distance (say, a few hours after you get off the pretty girl express bus), the positive aspects take center stage, and going for it seems the thing to do. Only then, this no longer takes a nervous "hello" across the bus aisle; you need one of those "missed connection" ads and $3,000 for a private detective.
You need to practice opportunity-spotting and preplan what you'll do when it knocks so you won't respond like a bratty preteen girl: "Go away! Nobody's home. I hate you!" Recognizing opportunity takes knowing your goals. Articulate them, and then identify five opportunities a day and seize at least two of them. This requires simply taking action despite your indecision. Assuming you aren't weighing the opportunity to blow through a bunch of stop signs, what are the likely damages? Step back and do a little cost-benefit analysis. If, say, you'd talked to the girl on the bus, worst-case scenario, she might've glared back at you, giving you an ouchie in the ego for what, 10 minutes? Doing nothing leaves you with lasting regret, shame, and self-loathing. Doing nothing repeatedly should help you get a headstart on becoming a bitter old man, thanks to all the years you've invested standing near the ladder of success yet never once having a woman in a bikini shinny down and hand you a mai tai.
Why does my girlfriend say she loves me more than I love her? There's no anger behind it; she says it teasingly. But it's making me uncomfortable and a little annoyed. I'm beginning to wonder whether I love her enough. I mean, I thought I did.
--Bugged
"I love you more than you love me!" is just the thing to say to a boyfriend -- if you want him to take you in his arms so he can look over your shoulder for your replacement. The problem with the subtext -- "You know, you could probably do better" -- is the "principle of least interest," sociologist Willard Waller's 1938 theory that the relationship partner who is less emotionally invested calls the shots. Even if that less committed partner isn't an exploitative creep, he's likely to get his way in ways he wouldn't in a more equal partnership, and Waller felt this didn't bode well for the relationship. Current research supports this. Social psychologist Susan Sprecher, for example, found that unequally involved partners were less satisfied with their relationship and more likely to break up.
If you aren't already eyeing the door, ask your girlfriend whether there's a problem -- maybe something she needs that she isn't getting from you. If she's just playfully needling you, tell her you need her to stop. It's okay, in a relationship, to ask that a phrase or two be a no-go zone. This "I love you more than you love me!" business, for example, is a cousin of the lose-lose question, "Do I look fat in this dress?" There is a right response to that question, and it isn't "Yes, come to think of it," "No!" or "No, you look like a cow landing with the world's largest parachute"; it's hiring somebody to be there to clock you with a tire iron before you can answer.
I broke up with a boyfriend a few years ago because I wasn't getting what I wanted from him. I'd give him subtle cues, and when he didn't respond in the ways I was hoping for, I blamed him for being thickheaded. I've ended many a relationship because of this. The dudes didn't have a chance. I now see that we can skip years of frustration by getting clear with our partners about what we need from them. Understanding this now, you'd think it would be simple for me to follow through. Yet, I'm continually surprised at how strong my "have him guess!" impulse can be. Letting a man in on my feelings actually takes a lot of courage and stretches me like nothing else.
--Communicative
It isn't hard for a boyfriend to make a woman happy instead of pissed off for days. He just needs the right answer to "Hey, honey, guess what it means when I put my hair in a ponytail and walk out of the room!"
A guy gets to the point where he can't be sure whether he's in a relationship or a really, really long game of charades. (Either way, it helps if there are occasional breaks for angry sex.) Although men and women are psychologically similar in many ways, studies by social psychologist Judith A. Hall and others find that women are more accurate in sussing out the meaning of nonverbal cues. The problem is, we humans all have a tendency to assume others' minds work just like our own. So, you conclude that a guy is withholding and mean when he seems to ignore what you think should be obvious -- that your left nostril flaring is code for "Tell me you love me right this second!" (Not to be mistaken for the flaring right nostril's "Take out the trash or I'll kill myself!")
To your credit, you took a hard look at yourself and admitted that you were wrong. As for why you're having difficulty putting what you now understand into practice, Yale psychology professor Alan E. Kazdin explained on my radio show, "Knowing doesn't control doing." Doing actually takes doing -- in your case, repeatedly pushing yourself to express your feelings, despite how uncomfortably vulnerable it makes you feel. Repeating behavior over time actually rewires the brain and, in Kazdin's words, "locks" the new behaviors in. Eventually, healthier behavior should come more naturally to you -- like recognizing, without animus, that the way to get your boyfriend to admire your sexy new haircut is by telling him you've gotten one, not by glaring out at him from under the subtly different slant of your bangs. (As every woman needs to understand, his not noticing your new do doesn't mean he's stopped loving you; it means you haven't shaved your head.)
I am online dating and assume people will Google me before we meet. Two years ago, I briefly got involved with a crazy woman. When I realized how nuts she was, I broke up with her. She started an Internet campaign against me, posting horrible things about me online. These are obvious lies and clearly seem to be the rantings of a crazy person, but most are nearly impossible to get taken down. Should I casually mention these in an online chat with potential dates? ("Oh, by the way, if you read anything terrible about me online, it's written by a crazy person.")
--Disparaged Guy
A person should get to know you a little before she learns you're a 300-year-old incubus who poisoned our groundwater and killed your neighbors' dog and made it look like a suicide.
Since ranting crazies tend to sound, as the saying goes, a few balloons short of a parade, a prospective partner's big worry is likely to be that sick drama is relationship-as-usual for you. The best way to dispel this fear is by letting someone see who you are before seeing who the Internet says you are. Wait until after the first date to reveal your last name. (If questioned, plead online dating prudence.) Create a new email address you use for online dating only so no one can use your regular one to Google your identity. And then, on your date, you could casually mention the nutty former ex -- ideally in a way that suggests the experience was very much out of character for you. Assuming you come off solid and balanced, this should help dispel any suspicions that your ex is nuts because you drove her there or that you have some scary tendencies yourself. Although women these days tend to be pleasantly surprised by chivalry, they are always looking to weed out the sort of man who'll end their evening with a considerate offer like "Can I walk you to my trunk?"
I've been separated from my husband for two years. (Our divorce isn't yet final.) A terrific man sought me out when he was breaking up with his girlfriend, but then he got back together with her and said we could only be friends. We still get together at times, and he told me, "I'm just not ready to give up my girlfriend, although I may feel different when your divorce is final." I've tried moving on, but whenever I get to a good place, he calls and is interested again! I normally wouldn't allow this behavior, but I enjoy his company so much!
--Crushing
The fact that a man calls for you to come running isn't necessarily reason to do it, unless you're a golden retriever and he's got a dirty tennis ball to throw you.
Assuming you live in North America and not a culture where marriage is a big tent filled with lots of wives, a man's involvement with another woman should immediately disqualify him from consideration. Accepting continued contact with a downgrade to "only friends" works if you can shift the man into the friends-only slot, but it seems you can't, and it seems that's just how this man likes it. You're now his ego's girlfriend and his backup entertainment when his girlfriend's getting her nails done.
Okay, so technically you're not yet available, but that's just a matter of paperwork; you aren't romantically attached to another person. What's keeping you stuck on this man is a psychological fishhook called "intermittent reinforcement." When rewards for our behavior (like affection or attention we're shown) come regularly and predictably, we relax and take them for granted. But the stuff that sods the ground for an obsession is random, unpredictable reinforcement -- a guy you can't have who occasionally surprises you by throwing you a bone of hope: telling you that he isn't ready to give up his girlfriend but "may feel different when your divorce is final." Sure, and the moon may grow a mustache and start orbiting your dentist's office.
So, no, you aren't stuck on him because it's so darn enjoyable being with him. It's because he's turned you into a lab rat frantically pushing a bar for a hit of rat chow that only sometimes comes. The way to kick the habit is to recognize this, detach, and have the self-discipline to stay detached. Send him a message that it's over and not to contact you again, and then do everything in your power to keep that from happening: Mail your phone to a stranger in China, and hole up in an out-of-the-way motel. Of course, you could just change your number and not answer your door, but going to at least a little more effort might help reinforce that you have a new policy: No matter how handsome, amusing, and compelling a man seems, you will chase him only if he also happens to be sprinting away with your purse.
I am 18 and took a baking course at a cooking school, where I met this dreamy 19-year-old guy. We both constantly found lame excuses to be around each other, so I was fairly positive our attraction went both ways. I get that men need to show their interest by asking you out, so I flirted and flirted and waited and waited for him to ask me out, but he never did. Now the course is over, and I'm wondering what I did wrong and whether I missed out on the love of my life!
--Confused
Perhaps he was hoping he could get a girlfriend the way a dog gets food scraps: just wait for a woman to fall on the kitchen floor and then carry her off in his teeth. He may now be hitting himself upside the head with a wire whisk for showing all the mojo of garnish. This also may have been a situational crush -- one that he couldn't follow through on outside the test kitchen due to his having a girlfriend or even a boyfriend. Or maybe he's just being 19. At 24, with a little more experience, he might do more than make like a kid staring into the bakery window. Sadly, all that matters now is what he didn't do. But you did the right thing by not making up for a guy's inability to squeak out a request for a date. Keep on flirting, and stop fretting that you may have "missed out on the love of (your) life!" Sure, you may have -- if you've always dreamed of a day when you'd spot a white horse galloping toward you in the distance and, as it drew closer, see that there's no prince, only a bag of frozen vegetables duct-taped to the saddle.