My boyfriend of eight years and I love each other to death and are very happy. Still, I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me that some people think we aren't in a "real" relationship because we aren't married and live separately. Is there a way to get them to respect the validity of our relationship without walking down the aisle?
--Unwed
Being married does allow for some convenient social shorthand. "Meet my husband" is easier than "If I eat a bad clam and end up puking my guts out at 3 a.m., this is the man who'll be holding my hair back."
You can either rebel against convention or be accepted by the masses. Expecting to have it both ways is like running off to the jungle to live with revolutionaries and then demanding your tent be equipped with a microwave and a panini-maker.
Is it possible that in some small way, you buy into the thinking of your detractors? Like one of those Louis Vuitton handbags that cost as much as a Ford Fiesta, a husband is a status symbol for women -- one that women have been psychologically primed to want. Because women always have a high potential cost from any sex act -- pregnancy and a mouth to feed -- we evolved to look for reliable signals that a man will commit. The most reliable are what evolutionary psychologists call "costly signals" -- those so pricey that only a man who truly loves a woman would be willing to shell out for. A diamond engagement ring is one of these, as is a man signing a contract to spend the rest of his life with one woman when it's in his genetic interest (and lots of fun!) to pursue a more McDonald's-like dream: "Billions and billions, um, serviced."
This isn't to say your unaccredited love lacks value. In fact, a marriage license is like a dog license. If you don't get your dog a license, it doesn't mean he isn't real or worthy of a head scratch. But where unmarried partnerships do fall short is in the legal protections department. Rights that come with marriage -- like the right to be by your partner's bedside in the hospital -- will, for the coupled but unwed, require filling out documents to get. You can have a lawyer draw these up, but my boyfriend of 11 years and I used Nolo's WillMaker Plus 2014 software, which, for about $40, has the essentials -- a will, a living will, and power of attorney for health care and for finances (designating somebody to, say, pay your mortgage if you get clocked over the head and are too comatose to do it yourself).
Unfortunately, WillMaker Plus is PC-only, but the health care directive and power of attorney only ask for names and contact info of the people you're designating, so if you have a Mac, you could fill this out on a friend's PC without worrying about identity theft. As for the will, Nolo's editor suggested putting in only the most general details about your accounts and attaching a letter with the specifics.
In other words, with a little paperwork, it really is possible to not have your wedding cake and eat it, too -- that is, if you can come to accept that your relationship's approval ratings will never match those of that married woman you see in the supermarket aisle screaming her husband into a small pile of ash.
My girlfriend is really insecure and gets furious that I meet my ex-girlfriend for lunch a few times a year. This ex and I broke up years ago, but I'd never cheat anyway, and I've explained that I have zero romantic interest in her. Still, she's a good friend and part of my life. How can I make my girlfriend understand?
--Badgered
Some people read poetry; your girlfriend lives it: "How do I love thee? You'll soon find out -- after I attach this car battery to your nipples and interrogate you about your lunch." Although your girlfriend's the one coming at you with the clamps, the truly unreasonable person in this relationship is you -- dating an insecure person and then expecting her to act otherwise. Sure, you could encourage her to build her self-esteem, but until she hits bottom -- like in a breakup -- she probably has no incentive to change. You need to either accept the trade-offs -- the hassle, the not being trusted -- or leave and get into a relationship where, as the saying goes, "love means never having to say 'I'm sorry the shackle attaching you to the basement wall is a little tight.'"
I've been going to the same primary care doctor for a few years. I'm very attracted to him, and I believe he's attracted to me, too. There's always been a dynamic between us. I thought it was his "bedside manner," but when I asked others, they didn't have the same experience with him. I know he isn't married. Also, I am very healthy and only see him annually for "well checks." Do you have any advice on whether I should do anything?
--Patiently Waiting
It's okay for your doctor to ask you, "Can I give you a breast exam?" -- but not if he adds, "...later tonight, in my Jacuzzi?"
There are all sorts of places a doctor can go to meet women -- bars, parties, bowling alleys, grocery stores, and hostage standoffs -- but he can lose his license for dating those he picks up in his reception area. Not only do the American and Canadian medical associations deem current patients off-limits but a former patient can also be a no-go if it seems the sexual relationship started through an exploitation of trust, knowledge, or emotions from the doctor-patient relationship. Because rules can vary from place to place, it's wise to check with your state or provincial medical board to see whether they have stricter standards. For example, Colorado's Medical Practice Act imposes a six-month waiting period before your doctor is allowed to see you in a dress that doesn't tie in the back and expose your butt crack.
Even if your doctor does have the hots for you, he probably has an even stronger desire to avoid downscaling to "driving" a shopping cart, collecting cans, and living beside a dumpster. So, the first move, if any, must be yours -- putting an unambiguous end to the medical portion of your relationship. Do this in writing, adding something like, "You're an excellent doctor, but I would like to see a doctor closer to my house." It doesn't matter whether that's true. It just has to get the message across -- without impugning his skills -- that you're formally outta there. At the end, add, "I would, however, be interested in seeing you socially."
That little addition might not seem like much, but as linguist Steven Pinker notes about a remarkable feature of human psychology, even the slightest veiling of what we really mean will allow people to pretend it meant something innocuous. The deniability "doesn't have to be plausible, only possible," Pinker explains in a paper. So, if Dr. McDreamy doesn't want the romantic relationship you do, he can pretend you're just suggesting it would be nice to bump into him at a gallery opening or something, not bump into him between your sheets. But before you do anything, you should accept that you may have misread the signals, and he may not be interested. Either way, you'll need a new doctor, whom you can search for online -- ideally, on your health plan site, not Match.com.
I'm a single guy living in an apartment down the hall from two single girls. I find one very attractive, but the one I'm not interested in is clearly interested in me. She flirts with me overtly and keeps saying she and I should go for a drink. What I'd really like is to get something going with the other roommate.
--Double Trouble
Unfortunately, dropping in on the girls down the hall isn't like visiting a frozen-yogurt shop: "I'm not crazy about the sample you offered; may I try the other flavor?"
You've heard of The Bro Code -- unwritten rules for how guys are supposed to look after their buds? There's a female version; call it The Bra Code: Sistas before mistas, besties before testes. A girl will not date the guy her friend -- especially her friend she lives with -- has set her sights on. Worse yet, there's a good chance that asking you out was something the hot one helped the other one plot. You can, of course, ask the hot one out, but unless the not-so-hot one falls desperately in love with some other guy, the hot one is unlikely to join you in anything sexier than an elevator ride to the lobby.
What you can take out of this is a reminder not to get too laser-focused on one particular girl. You should always be scanning the horizon for possibilities and have a few on deck so when one falls through, you can just shift over to the next. This should keep you from clinging desperately to lost causes, like by pretending you have an identical twin brother and trying to date both the hot and not-so-hot roommate at once. (No, you can't just feign a stomachache and run back in wearing a different hat.)
I'm a woman sharing a house with several roommates. We're all in our mid-20s. This one male roommate and I sometimes cook meals together, and we share a bathroom (since we're both cleaner than the other roommates) and deep-clean the kitchen together. I've always been attracted to him, but he spends three nights a week with a girl he calls his "booty call." Last week, we were home alone together, had some wine...and ended up having sex. We haven't spoken much since, and he's still seeing this same woman just as much. He's moving out next week and relocating out of state for work in two months, but I can't help wondering whether a relationship is possible. Should I just say goodbye and avoid embarrassing myself or take a more active approach? I can't tell whether my feelings are sincere or whether I'm just sad because the other roommates are not as clean or as interested in cooking.
--Confused
It's so rare to find a roommate who cleans the kitchen, I can understand why you wanted to sleep with him.
Don't read too much into finally getting it on with Mr. Clean. There's a reason a guy seizes the opportunity to have sex with a woman, and it's typically the one British mountain climber George Mallory reportedly gave when asked why he wanted to tackle Everest: "Because it's there."
Sometimes sex can kick-start a relationship, but in this case, it merely seems to have kick-continued the sex he's been having three times a week with somebody else. Also, a guy who is interested in a relationship with you acts the part -- asks you out (or at least lingers expectantly, fidgeting with cleaning products); he doesn't ask for his security deposit back so he can move to another state.
Taking "a more active approach" will not change this. In fact, for a woman, it's often a very counterproductive approach. Forget the idea that you "should" be able to pursue a man the same way a man would pursue you. As I explain with some frequency, men evolved to pursue women and tend to devalue women who chase them. This is a deep-seated thing, embedded in our psychology and driving our behavior over millions of years of human history, down to our bitsiest bits. (The sperm chase the egg. The egg does not chase the sperm.)
In other words, you found a lost cause, hopped aboard, and are now riding it like a pony. You are not alone in this. We humans have a powerful aversion to loss. When it starts to look like we've made a bad bet, we engage in the "sunk cost fallacy" -- continuing to invest (and even stepping up our investment) based on how much time, energy, resources, or emotion we've already invested. Of course, the rational approach would be basing any further investment on whether it's likely to pay off in the future. Acknowledging this will free you up to meet a guy who does want you -- perhaps some lonely cleaning products heir scouring the world for a woman who'll put a sparkle in his eye while he puts a sparkle in her glassware. As for you and your scrub-buddy roommate, it's like that scene with Rick and Ilsa at the end of "Casablanca": "We'll always have Clorox."
I'm a single woman who's just started online dating after ending a five-year relationship. I'm wondering when to mention that I only want casual dating/friends with benefits -- nothing serious. I don't want guys thinking I'm seeking one-night stands (I'm definitely not), but I also don't want to lead on guys who want something long-term.
--Newbie
A woman seeking regular commitment-free sex is a bit like a man just looking for somebody to join him for scrapbooking and a cuddle. Each might be telling the truth, but their target audience will find it hard to believe. In other words, it's best to avoid putting "not looking for anything serious" in your online dating profile. Some men will take it at face value, but many will see it as either a red flag (fake profile, a trap, etc.) or a "go for it!" flag to send their best penis selfie.
Also, your profile is just supposed to be a thumbnail of you. You don't owe anyone your five-year plan. You could, however, ask to have a phone conversation before meeting and casually mention your recent relationship history. On the phone, you become a person a guy can ask questions of rather than just a picture with a profile. You can clarify what you're looking for and, assuming you don't come off sketchy or psycho on the phone, quell a guy's fear that "nothing serious" really means "I need a fling because the recently paroled felon I'm cheating on my husband with is boring."
I've been dating a girl I really like for six weeks. She pays her rent with a 9-to-5 job but studied painting at art school and wants to make it her career. Unfortunately, I don't like her paintings at all. They are abstract and don't look like they take much craft, and they just don't aesthetically appeal to me. (Maybe I'm missing something...who knows.) I haven't told her my real feelings. But as we get more serious and as she talks about her aspirations, I'm finding it more and more uncomfortable to keep playing along. I worry that we won't have a future because of this.
--Philistine
There are questions you long to ask her about her work, such as, "What did you do in art school, spend four years playing Angry Birds on your phone?"
Abstract art is an easy target for ridicule. The thing is, somebody who went to art school most likely had to learn formal principles and show they could draw figuratively before they could venture into abstraction. But to the untrained eye, an abstract work can look like somebody made a big mess with some paint and then stuck a mythical title on it -- "Androcles And The Lion, No. 4." You can't help but wonder, "Sorry, but is that the lion's paw on the left, or did somebody at the gallery opening trip and let their appetizer go flying?"
Because your girlfriend's artwork is more than a weekend hobby, your disliking it probably is a big deal. A painting is basically a striptease of the artist's self on a piece of canvas, reflecting who they are, what they see and feel, and what they want to say. Also, it's hard enough to try to earn a living as an artist without sharing a bed with one of your detractors. (Imagine Edvard Munch's girlfriend seeing "The Scream" and nagging him, "Come on, Eddie, 'The Smile' would be so much nicer.") And even if you can hide your true feelings for a while, there's a good chance they'll poke their little heads out during an argument, a la "Wanna vastly improve your work? Incorporate gasoline and a lit match."
For a relationship to work, it isn't enough to have the hotsies for somebody. You need to have a crush on them as a human being. Fortunately, you may be able to get to this, even if her paintings don't speak to you (save for saying "I'm ugly"). Admit that you don't know much about art, and ask her to tell you about her work: the thinking behind it, her painting process (color, form, why she includes certain elements), and what she's trying to say or evoke. You might find that you respect where she's coming from and believe in her on that level, which could mean that the two of you can make a go of it. If so, keep in mind all the ways she's just like any other girlfriend, and be prepared to fake a seizure when she asks the artist's version of that classic lose-lose question: "Do I look untalented while painting in this dress that makes me look fat?"
Last month, I hit it off with a girl on an online dating site. The problem is, my written banter is much better than what I can achieve on a first date. I do poorly when just staring across a table at somebody. I'm worried she'll be disappointed when she sees how bad I am at being witty on the spot, so I've been reluctant to ask her out.
--Stalling
Maybe as a preliminary step, you could make plans to go to the same Starbucks but hide behind your laptops and email each other. We need to start calling online dating sites "online meeting sites" so people will stop thinking they can get to know somebody while spending a month sitting miles away and staring deep into their computer screen. They typically end up filling in the blanks with who they want the person to be and believe they're getting attached to them when maybe what they're most attached to is how witty they feel while leaning on a thesaurus the size of Rhode Island.
Sure, it's tough sitting across a table from a near stranger with "SAY SOMETHING ALREADY!" ringing in your head. So don't sit on the first date. Do something. Go somewhere you can pluck subjects of conversation out of the atmosphere: a street fair, a flea market. Play pool; go bowling. And lighten up on feeling that you need to be funny. You'll ultimately be funnier and more likely to get a second date if you approach the first date as if your goal is getting to know a woman instead of getting her to book you for your own Comedy Central special.