A Vicious Recycle
I'm a 30-year-old single guy. Two friends from college got divorced six months ago after being married to each other for less than a year (no kids or anything). The truth is, I had a crush on the woman before they even met, and I'm fairly sure the feeling was mutual. I'd like to ask her out, but I'm certain this will bring condemnation from all our mutual "bros," though I was never close with her husband. Does that trump the rule that you shouldn't date a guy friend's ex? Or is she off-limits forever?
--Wary
It's natural to want to express your sympathy to a guy whose marriage just broke up: "Hey, man, so sorry to hear you two didn't make it. By the way, did she happen to mention me?"
Asking out a buddy's ex can seem like the dating version of poking your head over the booth divider at the diner and asking, "You gonna eat that?" It's especially unseemly to forage in the remains of a guy's relationship if he isn't exactly skipping away from it. But assuming the Jaws of Life aren't required to pry the guy out of the fetal position, a divorce is a breakup, not a "bent but still usable," meaning post-divorce, it's time for the ex-husband to release his ex-wife back into the wild.
People typically advise choosing the friend over the girl (sometimes because they think they'll sound like bad people for advising otherwise), but you should consider what matters more to you -- possibly having a crack at her or maintaining your social cred. If you do go out with her, do it discreetly at first: Go places where people won't know you, and avoid the temptation to Facebook or live-blog your entire evening. If, after a few dates, you're hitting it off, it's a good idea to give the guy a heads-up via email. He might still be mad. But at least you'd just be a jerk, not a sneaky jerk. If it turns out you and she have something lasting, in time, people should begin to think of your relationship as something "meant to be" -- while perhaps hiding the silver and the women when you come around.
I've seen this happen before: "I'm going to wait an appropriate amount of time after the divorce to try to start something up with her. Six months should be good enough."
Six months later: "What? She hooked up with one of my friends 5 1/2 months ago?"
Fayd at September 16, 2014 5:24 PM
He's 30, why does he want to date a freshly divorced woman with baggage even if she is a friend?
Less than a year and already divorced? Eh doesn't sound like a catch to me.
But I'm getting more cynical the older I get.
Ppen at September 17, 2014 4:12 AM
I´d go for it, maybe wait a week. I have a 30 yr old bestie, she got divorced from another friend just after I finished their v cool artiste wedding video - wow I got that in under the wire - then hooked up with another artist guy for a yr (too serious for her, I knew although I like them both)... and went right from him to a v handsome rich guy, they are blissfully touring Venice & Paris now. He´d been actively waiting in the wings. So I guess maybe it depends on your crowd and your self confidence level. Helps to be in the arts/media or maybe even mad science professions, flakey behavior is shrugged at.
zapf at September 17, 2014 9:02 AM
I had a crush on the woman before they even met, and I'm fairly sure the feeling was mutual.
"Fairly sure" based on what? Doesn't sound like he ever tried to date her in college, and she went on to marry someone else. Smells like wishful thinking.
I'm certain this will bring condemnation from all our mutual "bros," though I was never close with her husband. Does that trump the rule that you shouldn't date a guy friend's ex?
If what you're concerned about is the reaction of your mutual "bros", ask them. If they really think you should leave her alone, you probably should; no sense losing a bunch of friends over what could very well be a fantasy.
Rex Little at September 17, 2014 9:36 AM
There's also a question of duration. They were married less than a year. That's a flash in the pan. If they had been married for a significant stretch of time, and you had been in a mutual group of friends for that time, it would be more unseemly -- and generate significantly more social disapprobation -- to pursue his ex-wife. Immoral? No. But, overall, much dicier in terms of social capital and potential squick-factor-9 from those who know all three of you. But a marriage that short? Hardly worth fretting about.
David at September 17, 2014 11:37 AM
There's an old saying "Carpe Diem", it means "Seize the Day!"
I've come to see how this applies to life in general, when people keep talking about being "ready" (or not) for something or other. We weren't "ready" when the Japs bombed Pearl Harbor, but read the book and see how we finished that story.
Life has its own agenda, LW, and whether she's "ready" or not means little-- YOU are. She needs to rise to the opportunity, and you need to be able to explain this to her.
jefe at September 20, 2014 1:34 PM
She WAS married, which means she WAS off-limits. They are no longer together, so he gets no vote. Or am I sufficiently empathetic.
MarkD at September 21, 2014 8:29 AM
Married for a year, you have no idea how bad things are between her and her ex, for all you know she hates men like the plague right now.
Or, you could go after her, and find out for yourself why she is your friend's ex-wife.
By all means, feel free to play the rebound boyfriend. The worst that could happen is that all of your friends stop trusting you.
Kat at September 21, 2014 1:50 PM
I've been married to a (casual) friend's ex boyfriend for 26 years now. When we got together, our mutual friends all agreed we were a much better match than they were. Go for it!
Laura Hope at September 21, 2014 3:48 PM
You know all those 'bros' you think you have? If you had a girl and she dumped you, they'd all be hitting on her if she was hot.
ken at September 22, 2014 3:08 PM
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