Pouring Him A Scold One
I recently texted a girl I used to date about a year ago. I was going to be in her town, so I wrote something to the effect of "Hey, cutie...will be in your neighborhood Saturday. Want to get together for a drink?" I didn't realize she had a new boyfriend, whom she was with when I texted. He saw the text and flipped out, as did she, calling me and accusing me of almost breaking up her relationship. I apologized, but she kept going on about it and made me feel really guilty. In retrospect, I'd like to know what I did that was so wrong.
--Space Invader
It's not like you said, "Hey, cutie, let's get freaky...and if this is being read by a boyfriend, I'm just her grandma, and Freaky is my cat we need to pick up from the vet."
The fact that her current boyfriend went all apey over your friendly drinks invitation isn't reason to treat you like you waited till Game 7 of the World Series and sexted her on the Jumbotron. As for your apology, when a woman starts shrieking at you, it's tempting to say you're sorry first and then figure out what, if anything, you did wrong. But think about it: What could possibly be your error here? Failure to install the latest OS on your crystal ball? Ignoring that "check engine" light in your third eye?
If your text did "almost" break up her relationship, that's on her -- for making her personal electronic device a public one and for lacking the verbal chops to put an entirely clean message from you into perspective. As for putting her little explosion into perspective, think of it the way you would a conversation with the wild-eyed guy at the bus stop who claims he's getting messages from the aliens in his dental work. (I'm guessing your response wouldn't be running home to clear your lawn so they can use it as a landing pad.) Perhaps just view this incident as a cautionary tale -- a reminder that your next girlfriend should have not only the capacity for reason but an interest in using her brain as more than a sort of highway rest area for her hair.
It seems that both this girl and her new boyfriend get off on drama and are therefore well-suited for each other. Her calling you and freaking out was probably part of their foreplay that evening.
sofar at September 23, 2014 4:47 PM
The problem I see is that "Hey, cutie" opening in the text. Remove that part, and it's a simple request for what seems like a platonic get-together. Starting with a compliment like that might indicate that you have other plans in mind after you're done drinking.
Fayd at September 23, 2014 5:10 PM
I totally agree that the woman overreacted and should be more discreet with her phone. But I'm with Fayd on the "hey, cutie" thing. That's kind of a weird way to start an email to someone you once dated casually but haven't seen for a year.
Gail at September 23, 2014 7:11 PM
He was looking to hook up, cutie is better than half a dozen more degrading things he could have called her, which given how much she like drama she would have liked more than cutie
lujlp at September 23, 2014 7:32 PM
If the BF flipped out, that should have been a red flag to the girl. Guys that flip out over stupid shit like that have an issue, and it ain't last week's funny papers. That she went with it says a lot about her too. LW should be happy he dodged a bullet.
Flynne at September 24, 2014 4:19 AM
Yeah, as Miss Alkon pointed out, and others mentioned, how did the new boyfriend know what the old boyfriend texted? And when the new boyfriend flipped out, do we really know what form the flippage took? Did he throw a tantrum? Did he laugh at her?
We do know the old girlfriend flipped out. Was that the first time she ever did that? If flipping out was part of her personality (and I don't know if it was), I wonder why LW felt he had to text her in the first place. So many questions.
Guys that flip out over stupid shit like that have an issue, and it ain't last week's funny papers.
Flynne, you sure can turn a phrase!
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at September 24, 2014 5:07 AM
Do we even know that LW's ex even has a new boyfriend? Or was this just some manipulation by a conniving shrew?
As others have hinted (if there really is a new boyfriend), those two deserve each other, if he's going to go all Chernobyl and she's going to validate it.
I have less of a problem with "Hey, cutie." (Although if anyone starts calling me that, I will give them the brief history of pain with the back of my hand.) To me, it actually shows a bit of maturity on his part if he can joke with a girl he used to casually date like this.
I side with Amy. His comment was harmless. Had she been dating a less insecure guy, he would have simply asked who that was. He might make a joke like, "'Cutie?' Should I be worried? I'll break his legs!"
But he went off the deep end, and she let him get away with it. As I said, they deserve each other. They can go milk a telephone pole.
Patrick at September 24, 2014 6:25 AM
As the new BF I would have told her to text back "My BF says we can hook up if he gets to have sex with you first"
lujlp at September 24, 2014 7:06 AM
He may have been looking to hook up, and I don't fault him for trying. But after a year of no contact, it's only reasonable to assume that she's likely got someone else in the picture by this point, or at least, that she no longer has interest in the LW. (Moreover, she may no longer be a "cutie." A lot can change in a year.) It would make more sense to simply suggest a drink and see where it goes.
FWIW, if someone I dated a few times but hadn't seen for a year called me "cutie," he'd have damaged his chances of hooking up with me because I would think he was being awfully presumptuous (and because the word makes me gag). I wouldn't get angry, but I'd be more likely to avoid the drink than if he'd left out the cutesy nickname.
I'd be curious as to why they stopped dating each other. That could make a difference in how presumptuous "cutie" is.
Gail at September 24, 2014 9:37 AM
LW, now do you remember why you broke up with her?
Cousin Dave at September 24, 2014 11:23 AM
Cousin Dave, I got the idea that he left town before he started something serious with her.
Fayd at September 24, 2014 11:38 AM
I don't usually think like this, but my gut reaction is that the LW was looking for a hookup. It's the Hey Cutie that gives me that feeling. That doesn't change the fact that the girl overreacted. Why would her relationship be in jeopardy just because some guy tries to hook up with her, especially if her response is NO?
Drama. Ack.
Laurie at September 24, 2014 1:46 PM
Nothing wrong with angling for a hookup.
@"I apologized, but she kept going on about it"
She sounds like a b-tch. She probably kept going on about it because by apologizing for nothing, she probably perceived weakness.
Lobster at September 24, 2014 5:17 PM
I apologized, but she kept going on about it
*click* *beeeeeeep* *delete contact information*
Tho I will admit surprise that she still had the same cell #.
I R A Darth Aggie at September 24, 2014 6:48 PM
Or maybe her new boyfriend was wondering why an old flame was texting looking for a hook-up. I know if one of my husbands old girlfriends texted him with a "Hey Cutie" type opening line I might get a bit crazy too. The boyfriend freaked because the LW has probably seen her naked and he got jealous. She kept going on and on to prove to the new man that she was 'upset and offended' by her Ex's insinuated hook-up lingo.
perkygoth at September 26, 2014 11:53 AM
My gut feeling is that she is freaking out because her boyfriend is freaking out about some guy wanting to hook up with her. It's raising all sorts of red flags. Has the old "friend" really been out of touch with her for a whole year or has the girlfriend been keeping some guy a secret.
This puts up red flags that she is In an abusive relationship because first of all if she wasn't it would have been unusual for him to even know what her phone said. This "got her in trouble" with the boyfriend and she is feeling defensive and getting angry with the one that has "triggered" the problem.
I suspect that the female needs to get the hell out of the relationship but he is controlling all of her contacts and she is already in deep.
She is either a drama queen or scared half to death.
Jen at September 26, 2014 10:00 PM
If she were in an abusive relationship and scared half to death she wouldnt be constantly texting this guy to tell him to leave her alone
lujlp at September 28, 2014 12:50 PM
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