Whoa Is Me
Last year, after I split up with my girlfriend, the law firm I worked for went belly up. I haven't been on a date all year. Friends try to set me up, and I keep giving excuses for why I can't go, but the truth is, I've totally lost my nerve. I'd like to change that. Money isn't the issue. I work here and there and still have severance pay left. But despite interviewing heavily, I have yet to land a full-time gig and feel kind of like a failure, and I don't want to discuss that on dates.
--Romantic Stage Fright
You lost your girlfriend and were thinking, "At least I have my job." Then you lost your job and were thinking, "At least I have my confidence." Whatever happens, don't say, "At least I have my penis."
After a series of big setbacks, it's understandable that you'd feel most comfortable hiding under the bed. Unfortunately, you won't get a whole lot of dates there unless you have a tiny tea set and are sexually attracted to mice. You likewise are unlikely to find your lost nerve under there, perhaps hiding out from creditors. But, like many people, where you go wrong is in thinking that you need to find your nerve to take action. You don't. You just need to decide that being afraid to do something isn't a good enough reason to avoid doing it.
Of course, you'll do better on dates if you don't arrive feeling like a cow patty in nice shoes. The good news is, you can give yourself a boost pretty easily -- without standing in an open field during a storm and hoping to get struck by a bolt of confidence. A growing body of research finds that "walking the walk" (in your case, just making the body movements of the large and in charge) is actually transformative. For example, social psychologist Dana Carney had both men and women pose for just two minutes like fat-cat executives -- feet on desk, hands behind head. These simple acts raised their testosterone (the dominance hormone) and made them more willing to take risks (a sign of confidence), and they reported feeling more, well, "Wolf of Wall Street" than "Chihuahua of Skid Row."
In other words, when you have a date, you need to get to the place early and do a little bathroom-stall yoga. Ridiculous as it seems, a little powerbroker-cise should help you feel and act like your peer group is great white sharks instead of small brown smudges. And though your inclination is probably to shove all your negative thoughts about your job loss in some mental drawer, research by clinical psychologist James J. Gross finds that this tends to backfire, making you feel worse. Instead, try "cognitive reappraisal" -- reframing your job loss so it works better for your mojo. This would just take emphasizing to yourself what you already know -- that you're jobless because of others' bad business decisions and a tough economy, not because your lawyering skills rival those of a plastic fern.
When you're on the date, don't worry about selling yourself. We tend to believe we can talk people into liking us, but we're actually more likely to listen them into it. And by listen, I mean listening from the gut, not just nodding your head while trying to remember whether you left a load of underwear in your apartment building's washing machine.
Obviously, the easiest way for you to feel better is to start working again, which would give you a sense of purpose. The thing is, you don't have to wait for somebody to hire you. Consider donating at least a few hours a week to provide free legal counsel to people in need. I explain in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck" that we can happy ourselves up for, oh, a few weeks or a month by chasing happiness -- buying a new car or a new set of boobs -- but happiness with staying power comes from pursuing meaning, like by making the world a better place because you're in it.
Making the world a better place has the side benefit of making it a better place for you to go on dates. Women look for men to show signs of generosity, and pro bono lawyering stories are way better than hoping she notices that you left a 24.6 percent tip. And ultimately, dates and job interviewers alike should find the natural excitement that comes out of "I'm helping an elderly widow save her home!" far sexier than your current conversation starter: "I like wearing a paper bag over my head and crying myself to sleep; what are your hobbies?"
Good advice. If you wear a mask for long enough it sinks in and becomes your face. A bit creepy sounding but quite true.
Another factor is major setbacks can help you reassess your life. Most people with high net worth (millionaires and billionaires) had horrible setbacks when they were young. They then picked themselves back up and took over the world. While at the same time people who never had a setback just kept puttering along in the middle of the pack. Is this setback the world's way of waking you up?
Ben at September 30, 2014 4:47 PM
I was doing this after my horrible bypass operation, and knew I needed to get back into society. It didn't help, I still just wanted to finish dying.
My folks wanted me to get professional help, and I did-- I booked a session with a professional psychic! It was a bargain compared to the alternatives.
jefe at September 30, 2014 8:20 PM
Romantic, you might also find it useful to do document review work. You can call it contract work, and since it's usually for big firms, you'll be able to say you're working on (insert impressive something here - merger/ antitrust/ corruption investigation/ intellectual property). That could check off the "job" box for first date conversation.
I've done contract work in D.C. The best part was working with great people from all over the world, and hearing about where they've been and what life- and career-paths they've taken. Hearing what some of my colleagues escaped by leaving their home countries also helped me see my original expectation that being a licensed attorney would make solid employment prospects inevitable.
And then there's the flirting, joking, story telling, bonding through gallows humor, and the surprises that come with working with people over long hours in close quarters. I've made good friends with good people with whom I have shared drinks, work opportunities, and other leads.
The worst part is mind-numbingly boring work, lower pay than one would like ($30/ hr in D.C., but lower the further south you go - one South Carolina job offered $8.75/ hr), and variable working conditions.
The worse the working conditions, the better the war stories:
http://abovethelaw.com/2013/08/contract-attorney-problems-i-hope-law-school-taught-you-how-to-hold-in-your-pee/
If you don't want to do pro bono work (or even if you do), check out your local Rotary International. It's a well regarded locally effective international service organization, and it was started by an attorney.
Good luck!
Michelle at September 30, 2014 9:02 PM
What are you looking for a girlfriend for? Why is that your priority? Why does everyone feel incomplete if they're currently without a girlfriend?
Take the advice that Amy is offering regarding gaining confidence, especially the advice about doing volunteer work. However, aim it toward getting a new job. You don't need a girlfriend.
Girlfriends come out of the woodwork when everything else is going right.
whistleDick at September 30, 2014 11:16 PM
Yeah, I'm not sure now is a good girlfriend time. I'd focus on getting back on my feet, first.
NicoleK at October 1, 2014 5:18 AM
I agree that the LW needs to work on himself some more. But low-pressure dating could be part of that. Start with lunch dates -- they are inexpensive, inherently time-limited, and there's no "will she / won't she go home with me", because you've both got to get back to work.
Now is a good time to take the opportunity to do all the things you always wanted to do but couldn't do while you were in your past relationship. Want to travel to South America? Buy a motorcycle? Join a band? Do it now. Getting involved in some of these activities will help you get out of your own head.
Oh, and don't fall head over heels with the first girl you meet just because she's female.
Cousin Dave at October 1, 2014 7:51 AM
I'm a little hesitant to concur with this. While your advice for regaining confidence sounds spot on, being unemployed is a big turn-off for a first date. I concur with Whistledick and Nicole. Find a job first, then focus on getting a girlfriend.
But in his defense, he doesn't say he's actually looking for a girlfriend; he's being set up by well-meaning friends (which brings to mind a certain group of well-meaning friends who made it their business to set me up...despite the fact that my relationship was making me perfectly happy). Also, he is working while he's looking for a permanent gig. It sounds like he's doing his very best on the job front.
Patrick at October 1, 2014 8:10 AM
he is working while he's looking for a permanent gig. It sounds like he's doing his very best on the job front.
Well, maybe. "Working here and there" could mean 40 hours a week, or 4. And "still have severance pay left" suggests that the severance pay is being used up, however slowly. Refraining from dating will help put off the evil day when it's gone.
Rex Little at October 1, 2014 11:21 AM
What Whistledick said.
If you don't got the money keep your broke ass home!
Also, there is a reason you're hesitant to discuss your job on a date. Girls, as a rule, love kindness but love money more. Provides for all them babies they'll want you to have in the near future.
wtf at October 1, 2014 3:53 PM
There's a reason the name ain't BROKE....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0SyUgw98tE
wtf at October 1, 2014 3:56 PM
I was someone who was in that same position. While un-employed I found it hard to date and impossible to get second dates. That made me feel worse. Job some how always came up -- and when I didn't just come out and admit I was not employee'ed the seemed to sense I was hiding some and dig in.
I would skip the dating at this point...tell your friends you are focused on finding a job.
I had it worse since I was at out at the worst of it... I tried volunteering at places and was told they have more than enough volunteers...they needed money or resources.
The other thing I found frustrating was I had time to do stuff but didn't feel like I could afford it. I mean I wanted to travel but felt like I might need that money to eat later...I had did get close. I was under $2000 with no money coming in when I finally got hired.
The Former Banker at October 2, 2014 12:14 AM
Banker, I got licensed just as the bottom fell out of the legal market, and I got the same response to my offers to do pro bono work where I live. It was sobering to realize my offer of free legal work was about as valuable as yet another tee shirt donated to a thrift store.
I had to move to another city to make enough money to make it worth going to work, and to build a network that could help me get more work. I loved working there, but being far away from home and my sweetie really highlighted how intimacy is such a stress reliever - the touch/dopamine, and the opportunity to be unguarded.
Amy's advice is spot on, whether the confidence issue is around dating or other concerns (I've walked into the restroom at work and found women doing warrior pose).
I am experiencing and have seen how long it can take to regroup and reroute a legal career. And I wonder if this isn't the best time to start a relationship with someone who doesn't "love" you for your money.
If this guy's friends are trying to fix him up, would it be undignified to have them mention, in an offhanded way, that he was laid off? Along with that he's a great guy and they think the two of them would really hit it off?
Michelle at October 2, 2014 7:46 AM
@Michelle
I also ended up moving to another city...and it sucks...oh well...that is where a job offer came from.
I think the idea of the friend discreetly letting them know he has been laid off is a good idea. That type of behavior would have avoided one of my bad experiences. I took a night class and a guy in there set me up with a friend of his. The date was going really great...she asked me something and I responded and she was like "Wait a minute -- that implies you don't have a job!" And things crashed down from there.
The Former Banker at October 2, 2014 1:31 PM
Banker, what an awkward position to be in. On the up side, you got out of that while the getting was good.
Her response seems to me to be not well thought out (and rude). To size up a date for a long term future, I think looking at one's overall employment/ life track record would be more telling.
Michelle at October 2, 2014 9:51 PM
That's right - I don't have a job.
I have cash and investments and property. What, you're so poor you have to work for someone else?!
Loser. Waiter, bring me another drink and a rich babe, pronto!
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at October 4, 2014 10:40 AM
"What is best in life?"
To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women!
Prioritize, Jack. You value a job, so get one, don't let your strength and energy be split until you have one.
Once you do, the old magic will come back, and you can concentrate on finding a mate.
EOL.
SwissArmyD at October 7, 2014 2:37 PM
Leave a comment