Louvre, Actually
I'm really into this beautiful, funny girl I've been dating for three weeks. I think she likes me, but my gut says she's pulling away a little. If this fizzles, I'll be heartbroken. She's leaving on a 10-day business trip to Europe in two days. Should I get her a gift or a card to let her know I'm really into her (and to not fall in love with any European dudes while she's away)?
--Worried
What kind of gift were you thinking of giving her -- the duct tape you'd use to strap her to a chair in your den? When somebody you're interested in seems to be backing away, it's natural to want to chase them. It's also the most counterproductive thing you could do. (You look desperate, and they look for doorways to hide in.) Your best bet is to remain present but be minimal about it, like by texting her on the morning she leaves, "Hey, have a safe trip and a great time." While she's away, keep seriously busy, both to stay okay in the head and so, when you do see her, you won't come off like you spent 10 days in your bunk bed drawing sparkly hearts in a notebook with her name on the cover. Upon her return, wait at least a few days, and then ask her out. Give her the space to miss you and she just might do that, and you just might find yourself showing her the American version of "if the gondola's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'."
When this situation has happened to me and some of my friends, we almost never hear back from those women again. It makes us wonder if they really went on a trip. Maybe they decided that it was over and determined that the city was large enough that we would never run into each other again.
At any rate, it does seem to appear that anytime you're a couple of months into a relationship and the other person has to go away for business or family issues, it's because they really want to just get away from you without officially breaking up. It would be nice if they just ended it instead of torturing us for two or three weeks with us wondering if they're even dead or alive.
Fayd at November 18, 2014 5:04 PM
Agree with Fayd - this has happened to me a few times before. It's the female equivalent of the email breakup.
Snoopy at November 18, 2014 5:26 PM
if they don't, they never were.
Rex Little at November 18, 2014 7:59 PM
It makes us wonder if they really went on a trip.
Or it could just be that traveling far away (and being cut off from everyone at home) makes you do some thinking and soul searching. Plus, you're already having doubts when you leave on the trip, and then find yourself able to spend 10 days away and not even missing them, breaking things off becomes really easy.
I've seen several of my friends (male and female) end things after vacations/business trips because the whole "not missing them" thing helped them justify the doubts they were already feeling.
sofar at November 19, 2014 7:30 AM
" . . . my gut says she's pulling away a little"
She is sensing your neediness. Trust your gut on this, and then follow Amy's advice.
. . . but my Magic 8 ball says it's almost certainly already too late. Don't lose the lesson LW.
railmeat at November 19, 2014 8:48 AM
listen to your brothers and sisters, and don't be needy, hoss. Guessing at this point the trip may well be over, because of the timing in theses sorts of posts...
In any case the tropes about holding on loosely, and chasing but not stalking and blah, blah blah... actually do hold some water.
If she comes back, and then nada... congratulations, you've been ghosted. It happens to everyone, and chances are you've maybe even thought about doing it.
IFF she did it so elaborately, it may well be that she actually thought you were a pretty decent guy, but not exactly her taste. Maybe not. Many women have this thing about trying to be nice when hurting you, so accept that as good as it could be.
OTOH, maybe she comes back and you pick right up.. THEN sista Amy's advice is golden.
In any case, don't give yourself, even in your head, too quickly... it will seem to her that you are too desperate, like a lost puppy. It's a bad look on you.
Remember it's a Tango, you can't dance if you cling too much.
If this all works out in a way you didn't intend, still look at it philosophically.
For 3 weeks you were really, REALLY happy. No-one can take those moments from you.
They will keep you warm later, when your life is older, sometimes colder. There was a moment you were fine, and that can happen again.
SwissArmyD at November 19, 2014 10:11 AM
and to not fall in love with any European dudes while she's away
Jealous much? If you are clingy, desperate and jealous, she probably is pulling back. 3 weeks of dating does not give you the right to even suggest the above. Hell, it barely gives you the right to ask if she needs a ride to the airport.
Take a deep breath, step back, and follow Amy's instructions. You need to cool your duals, man.
Kat at November 20, 2014 10:48 AM
Give her the space to miss you and she just might do that,
I agree with Amy's advice here. However, based on your feeling that she's pulling away, I'd say that "might" is likely quite slight.
If you're going to be heartbroken, better to have it happen now than after three months, when you've fallen for her even more.
She's probably not going to fall in love with any European guys on her trip but if she's beautiful (and sexy) than she'll have no shortage of guys hitting on her so, if she's into it, she could fuck a lot during those ten days.
JD at November 23, 2014 10:08 PM
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