Scold Rush
I try to be direct, but my girlfriend often sees this as meanness. For example, when we're out to dinner, she sometimes takes forever to order when the server is standing right there. I'll call her out on this -- tell her she was rude to keep the guy waiting. Personally, I think it's unhealthy in the long run to keep quiet about issues, but my girlfriend gets upset whenever I give her constructive criticism. How can I convince her that she's being too sensitive?
--Honest
There are times when directness is best. Like if you're an air traffic controller. What's important is not that you make the pilot feel supported in his life goals but that he brings the plane to a stop on the runway instead of in some lady's pool.
But, in many non-emergency situations, being direct -- like bluntly criticizing someone -- is about as effective as throwing somebody a fruit basket instead of a life preserver when they're drowning. The problem, as I explain in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," is that "criticizing people doesn't make them change; it makes them want to clobber you." Because of a lack of software updates to our body's ancient fight-or-flight system, we respond to a verbal attack with the same supercharged biochemical ammo we would if we were attacked by some sharp-fanged thing looking to turn our left eyeball into an after-dinner mint.
You are right, by the way; your restaurant table shouldn't start to seem like a bus stop for the waitstaff because your girlfriend's applying Bayes' theorem to whether she'd prefer the chicken to the pasta. But is your ultimate goal hammering her with how right you are or having a relationship? If it's a relationship you're after, you need to keep her fight-or-flight defensiveness from whirring into action by transforming accusations (like "You're rude!") into information (like reasons the term "waiting" shouldn't be taken literally). For example, you could say, "Hey, I know you love good food and don't want to make a bad choice at dinner. But I was thinking that when the server waits for a while at our table, he may feel we don't respect his time, and other customers may feel neglected and leave him a crappy tip."
By asking her to sympathize with the waiter instead of telling her what a jerk she's been, you help her stay cool enough in the head to consider potential solutions -- like doing a little online menu recon before hitting the restaurant. If you both start sending criticisms up for processing to the kindness and tact department, you could get in the habit of "accepting influence" from each other -- listening to each other and becoming better individually and together -- a practice marriage researcher John Gottman sees in the happiest, most stable relationships. Think of this as living the dream -- the one where your relationship is a safe place to expose the real you (as opposed to that dream where you're back in 10th grade standing naked in front of the school assembly just as your mom starts reading your diary over the PA).
Good advice, Amy.
I remember a while ago, I had stage managed and production of Moliere's "The Misanthrope," about a man who had had enough of all the servile and insincere flattery that we're disposed to give our friends, and makes up his mind to be totally honest.
It might seem like a noble ambition, but he seems to think that to be honest, one must also be outspoken and boorish. He makes no effort to present his views diplomatically, but just lets fly with the most blunt criticism.
I always found "The Misanthrope" to be the least funny of Moliere's plays and the central character, rather than being comical, becomes a bitter pill to swallow.
But you seem to have found the middle ground that so many, inexplicably, miss: you don't have to be rude to be honest, and it's entirely possible to present criticism in a way that encourages rather than puts people on the defensive.
Patrick at November 25, 2014 10:50 PM
Also, I'd suggest that if there's something about girlfriend (or boyfriend, or spouse) that you want them to change, you tell them about it once only. If they do change, great. If they don't, you should accept that it's part of who they are and either live with it or move on. If you keep nagging, you'll frustrate your partner and yourself, and possibly kill your relationship.
I speak from experience. Stuff like this is a big part of how my wife and I went from happily married to roomies-for-life (or until next year, when we sell the house and separate).
Rex Little at November 25, 2014 11:12 PM
Why does the LW feel the need to worry about the waiter/waitress being inconvenienced? Presumably he/she has dealt with procastinating patrons before, and is able to say "Shall I give you more time to decide?" if they feel the need to check in with other customers.
Amazed_476 at November 26, 2014 5:35 AM
what Amazed_ said. my husband does this sort of thing to me sometimes, and i've learned that it's more about his own people-pleasing anxiety than anything else. DOESN'T HAVE TO BE MINE. (not to mention, the waiter is going to be just fine. waiting won't kill him/her.) if LW and his GF can understand what's making the other tick and accept it, they can live with stuff like this. but if not, and we are hellbent on changing someone else, good luck.
Rachel Flax at November 26, 2014 9:56 AM
...about a man who had had enough of all the servile and insincere flattery that we're disposed to give our friends, and makes up his mind to be totally honest.
In his book My Life as an Experiment, A. J. Jacobs tries "Radical Honesty", the philosophy of this guy. Jacobs finds some positive elements to it but, overall, doesn't find it very appealing.
JD at November 26, 2014 11:46 AM
Great answer by Amy. Gottman is the GOSPEL.
I'd like to also suggest that Mr Direct & Honest can simply tell the waiter to go away and come back in a couple of minutes when she's ready. If the GF asks why, he can simply say he feels more comfortable without the waiter hovering there.
No need to criticize her. No need to criticize the waiter. Just a mild confession of his own feelings, which he can act on without involving or hindering her.
Phallusion at November 26, 2014 12:09 PM
Why does the LW feel the need to worry about the waiter/waitress being inconvenienced?
He doesn't. He's sick of waiting an extra 45 minutes to eat after having to have waited an extra 35 minutes to leave her place
lujlp at November 26, 2014 12:42 PM
While it's true that there are tactful, kind, diplomatic ways to express yourself, my experience is that other people's reactions can depend almost as much as what type of person they are as by what you say or how you say it. For instance, some people have little to no problem with being on the receiving end of constructive criticism, even when it's very direct, even blunt - while other people will get their knickers in a twist even if you sugar coat it.
Erica at November 27, 2014 10:14 PM
Why can't he say to the waiter, "We're not quite ready yet. Can you give us a few minutes?' She has time to think about her order and he is not keeping the waiter waiting. Win/win.
Jen at November 28, 2014 6:15 AM
Howard Stern has several great stories about his fathers need to not ever make the waiters wait. There alot of other hilarious stories about food and his father (like he only goes to the same places, needs to memorize the full menu, yells at his wife for being picky).
His fathers OCD about food comes from growing up during the depression. I recommend anyone near the stories if they ever get a chance.
Ppen at November 28, 2014 6:15 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2014/11/scold-rush.html#comment-5573230">comment from Jen"Why can't he say to the waiter, "We're not quite ready yet. Can you give us a few minutes?'"
Sigh...I got 26 emails from readers saying this.
I just wrote a book on manners. Trust me, this occurred to me immediately.
However, the problem is not about the individual issue but his behavior in general. Which is why I answered as I did.
Amy Alkon at November 28, 2014 10:38 AM
You can tell a lot about the character of people who are inconsiderate to those who have to put up with them. My ex used to send food back to the kitchen in restaurants just to prove that she had demanding standards and that's what important people did. I suspect she had a lot more spit added to her dish than others at the table.
ken at November 29, 2014 12:41 PM
@"... he seems to think that to be honest, one must also be outspoken and boorish"
I had a gf who liked to say, 'You have to be cruel to be kind'. And while she liked to claim she was really trying to help people with her frank 'honesty', she was frequently cruel to people, and it often seemed to me she enjoyed the 'cruel' part more than anything else. (Actually, she was just abusive.) I'm a little suspicious of whether LW isn't coming from a similar place.
Lobster at November 29, 2014 9:39 PM
Reading the letter, I wonder how the letter writer himself reacts to being corrected and to constructive criticism?
Janet C at December 7, 2014 3:12 PM
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